Politicians On €100k Plus Argue About Who Is More Out Of Touch With Ordinary People

POLITICS nerds and supporters of political parties have been delighting in the trading of insults and barbs as Fianna Fáil leader and Taoiseach Micheál Martin and Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald accused one another of being out of touch. “Brilliant, this will really land with voters, so relatable,” experts remarked as two politicians who… … Continue reading “Politicians On €100k Plus Argue About Who Is More Out Of Touch With Ordinary People”

Prince Andrew Demands Trial By Combat

PROFESSIONAL son of the Queen, Andrew, has withdrawn his request of trial by jury in the civil case brought against him by Jeffrey Epstein victim Virginia Giuffre for alleged sexual abuse and amended his application to state his preference for ‘trial by combat’. “Andrew will not be representing himself in combat obviously, he can’t. Nerves… … Continue reading “Prince Andrew Demands Trial By Combat”

FIFA To Donate Footballs To Drowning Refugees

HEAD OF FIFA Gianni Infantino has profusely apologised for suggesting that staging a World Cup every two years, instead of every fours years, could be the key to ending the horror of refugees drowning at sea and has pledged to provide them with some footballs. “We can probably only manage 20 footballs, we’re not made… … Continue reading “FIFA To Donate Footballs To Drowning Refugees”

Russia Welcome To Invade If They Guarantee Functioning Child Mental Health Services

THE IRISH public, initially weary of Russia performing naval drills off the southwest of the country have become open to the idea of a full on invasion provided an invading force can meet one simple demand. “We’ll hold the door open for you if you can improve upon the 17th century era mental health service… … Continue reading “Russia Welcome To Invade If They Guarantee Functioning Child Mental Health Services”

Office Workers Eased Back In With News Of Parking Prices Increase In Dublin

IN A BID to help returning office workers adjust to the fact that the world only exists to chip away at their resolve and happiness, Dublin City Council has confirm that the majority of on street parking is to rise by 10%. “Two hours stuck in traffic and now I’ll be paying through the nose,… … Continue reading “Office Workers Eased Back In With News Of Parking Prices Increase In Dublin”

Man Will Set Up Squarespace Website If It Means Ad Will Stop Following Him Around Internet

HAUNTED by the spectre of an advert for website building and hosting company Squarespace stalking his every internet move, from site to site, video to video, one local has committed to buying a domain and building a website he has no use for if it’ll mean he never has to see the ad again. “I… … Continue reading “Man Will Set Up Squarespace Website If It Means Ad Will Stop Following Him Around Internet”

Local Man Not Seeing Appreciation In Value From Millennium 50ps That He’d Hoped For

DUBLIN father-of-four Brian Penderton has admitted that his long-term investment in a collection of Millennium 50p coins may not sustain him in a lavish lifestyle for the rest of his days as he had once assumed they would, WWN can report. Like many, Penderton was caught up in the Millennium 50p craze of the late… … Continue reading “Local Man Not Seeing Appreciation In Value From Millennium 50ps That He’d Hoped For”

World Asked How Much Do They Like Ukraine, Really

‘UKRAINE – could you find it on a map?’, ‘did you ever holiday in Ukraine, do you have fond childhood memories of the place?’ and ‘how many Ukrainians do you know on a personal basis?’ are just some of the questions being asked in a survey aimed at gauging the world’s interest in saving the… … Continue reading “World Asked How Much Do They Like Ukraine, Really”

“Just Take It We Have Mass Graves In Every Country” Vatican Responds To Latest Child Pit

FEDUP with being called out every time a new mass grave full of dead children is discovered in the back yard of one of its institutions, the Vatican has released a one for all statement going forward, WWN reports. “Just take it we have mass graves in every country that we wormed our way in… … Continue reading ““Just Take It We Have Mass Graves In Every Country” Vatican Responds To Latest Child Pit”

Snow White Granted Seven Restraining Orders By High Court

A GERMAN High Court has granted a woman seven restraining orders against a group of village miners after years of legal battles, WWN has learned. The young woman, going by the name of Snow White, thanked the court and her legal team for the over-due verdict, stating she can now get on with her life… … Continue reading “Snow White Granted Seven Restraining Orders By High Court”

Biden Going To Need Extra Strong Fisherman’s Friends To Navigate Russian Conflict

US President Joe Biden has boxed off an hour this afternoon to sit down by himself in the Oval Office and loudly suck an entire pound of hard candies as he contemplates his next move when it comes to Russia’s continuing aggression against Ukraine. Biden, who every day sets a new record for being the… … Continue reading “Biden Going To Need Extra Strong Fisherman’s Friends To Navigate Russian Conflict”

Actor Somehow Lands Lead Role In Play He’s Writing, Directing & Producing

WELL WISHERS were out in force on local actor Damien Doverand’s Instagram page as the actor revealed he had secured his ‘dream role’ in a play he has written, which he will also direct and produce. “Amazing news, Damien, best of luck!” wrote one of Doverand’s friends, responding to the news that he will take… … Continue reading “Actor Somehow Lands Lead Role In Play He’s Writing, Directing & Producing”

NASA Admit James Webb Telescope Just A Really Cool Way To Get Screensavers

THE most powerful telescope ever created by mankind has reached its final destination some 1 million miles away from Earth, with NASA scientists announcing that they’re already seeing some ‘absolutely bitching’ images that will totally look rad as a background for your desktop. The ‘James Webb’ telescope is said to be able to detect and… … Continue reading “NASA Admit James Webb Telescope Just A Really Cool Way To Get Screensavers”

“Don’t Worry, We’re Only Practicing To Bomb Shannon Airport In The Event Of A War”

RUSSIA’S Ambassador to Ireland Yury Filatov has played down concerns over their military exercises off the coast of Ireland, stating that the activity is a “non story” and are part of a regular practice plan to disable American airbases like Shannon, WWN has learned. “Seriously, don’t worry, we’re only practicing to bomb Shannon airport in… … Continue reading ““Don’t Worry, We’re Only Practicing To Bomb Shannon Airport In The Event Of A War””

Man Will Miss Annoyingly Chatty Checkout Worker When She’s Replaced By Self-Service Till

DESPITE being hit with a wave of anxiety every time he realises retail assistant Orna Collins will be the one to scan through his grocery items, local man Denis Pearson admits he will miss the unbearably chatty woman when the supermarket adds a few more self-service tills and finally dispenses with her. “I only go… … Continue reading “Man Will Miss Annoyingly Chatty Checkout Worker When She’s Replaced By Self-Service Till”

Lynx & Prozac Team Up To Release New Antidepressant Deodorant

WITH the ever-increasing diagnosis of young men with anxiety and depression, two of the world’s leading brands have got together to launch the world’s first antidepressant deodorant called, Lynx Happy. “Many male patients regularly forget to take their daily medication, but most young men never forget to spray lashings of chemicals onto the most absorbent… … Continue reading “Lynx & Prozac Team Up To Release New Antidepressant Deodorant”

One Twin Went Vegan, The Other Ate Meat. This Is What Happened.

IDENTICAL twins Peadar and Jimpie Lacey from county Offaly took part in a scientific study to finally settle whether a vegan diet is healthier than eating meat. This is what happened to them over a 6-month period when Peadar ate strictly vegan food, while Jimpie continued to eat meat and dairy products. “I noticed I… … Continue reading “One Twin Went Vegan, The Other Ate Meat. This Is What Happened.”

Local Man Hoping There’s One More Variant Left In This Thing

FOLLOWING the easing of basically all the covid restrictions that were preventing him from returning to his workplace, 33-year-old Fran O’Meara is placing all his hopes on one more twist in the pandemic that would allow him to stay at home for another few months. O’Meara was one of thousands of WFH employees in Ireland… … Continue reading “Local Man Hoping There’s One More Variant Left In This Thing”

Shit, Does This Mean Local Man Will Have To Take The Missus Out For Valentine’s Day?

LOCAL MAN Stephen Barnes has demanded the government rethink its hastened reopening of the economy and dropping of restrictions which would see restaurants return to regular hours. “I had it all worked out. With restaurants last bookings being 6pm, the missus would have 100% bought by bullshit excuse that they were all booked,” Barnes, an… … Continue reading “Shit, Does This Mean Local Man Will Have To Take The Missus Out For Valentine’s Day?”

RTÉ Advised That Not Every Celebrity’s Kid Is Owed A Job

THE national broadcaster’s habit of handing out high-profile gigs to the offspring of the Irish celebrity pool has been criticised in a new report titled ‘1,789 reasons why the country aren’t going to pay another cent in licence fees’. Singling out no-one in particular, the report shows that Ireland has reached the peak of how… … Continue reading “RTÉ Advised That Not Every Celebrity’s Kid Is Owed A Job”

“Sodom & Gomorrah Will Look Like Teddy Bears Picnic Compared To Double March Bank Holiday” Experts Warn

AS THE REALITY of a restriction-hampered Ireland, largely locked down and shuttered for the past two years finally being let loose dawns on everyone, experts have warned that the country is at risk of a ‘Pissupageddon’. “A double bank holiday, the first proper Paddy’s Day in three years, single people who’ve been dryer than the… … Continue reading ““Sodom & Gomorrah Will Look Like Teddy Bears Picnic Compared To Double March Bank Holiday” Experts Warn”

Fears Grow For Man On Dry January As 8pm Closing Time To Be Scrapped

ABSTAINING for exactly three weeks now, local man Karl Rogers fears the government’s announcement on restrictions later this afternoon may jeopardise the last remaining ten days of his proposed Dry January, WWN has learned. “I’m contemplating a full media blackout and turning off my phone until Jan is over,” Rogers told WWN, speaking through his… … Continue reading “Fears Grow For Man On Dry January As 8pm Closing Time To Be Scrapped”

Taoiseach Expected To Announce End Of Restrictions With Double Airhorn Blasts

THE initial draft of the Taoiseach’s address to the nation surrounding the easing of Covid restrictions begins with the words ‘oh shit it’s about to go down’, according to a document leaked to the press today. Micheál Martin is expected to appear during the Six-One news today following the go-ahead from NPHET to re-open the… … Continue reading “Taoiseach Expected To Announce End Of Restrictions With Double Airhorn Blasts”

Government Hoping €1k Pandemic Bonus Shuts Healthcare Workers Up For At Least A Decade

THERE IS considerable expectation within government and the HSE tonight that a one-off tax-free payment of €1,000 should be enough to stop nurses and doctors harping on about longstanding systemic issues with the health service for at least a decade. “The hope is that when a healthcare worker pipes up about the reduced ability for… … Continue reading “Government Hoping €1k Pandemic Bonus Shuts Healthcare Workers Up For At Least A Decade”

Is It Possible To Do A Number 2 Without Doing A Number 1? We Investigate

A SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE premise that has plagued the great scientific minds from Curie to Einstein to whoever Elon Musk pays to write his cringe inducing tweets. But despite the level of interest, there has been no large scale study into whether it is possible to ‘drop the kids off at the pool’ without adding a… … Continue reading “Is It Possible To Do A Number 2 Without Doing A Number 1? We Investigate”

Larry Mullen Jr Opens Up About 50 Years Of Having Bono’s Arse In His Face

U2 DRUMMER Larry Mullen broke down yesterday in an interview where he outlined just what it has been like to sit in the shadow of frontman Bono’s arse since the band’s inception in 1976. “The lads are blinded by the spotlights. I’m shadowed by Bono’s arse,” said Mullen, speaking during a rare Bono-less interview where he… … Continue reading “Larry Mullen Jr Opens Up About 50 Years Of Having Bono’s Arse In His Face”

Not Watching Dancing With The Stars: Here’s How

HAD YOU settled down on the couch for the evening in the hopes of ‘accidentally’ stumbling upon RTÉ’s ‘Dancing With The Stars’ in a bid to provide yourself with 60 plus minutes of nonstop complaining and declaring you’ll never pay the licence fee again? There is another way, a different path. It turns out, according… … Continue reading “Not Watching Dancing With The Stars: Here’s How”

Latest Government Tender Comes Down To Lowest Bidder Or Lad This TD Played Rugby With

THE COVETED job of building the government’s new National Particle Acceleration & Waste Water Treatment Facility is moving on towards a nail-biting final stage, with the last two contractors being a company that has a history of completing similar projects on time and under budget throughout Europe over the last 20 years, and a good… … Continue reading “Latest Government Tender Comes Down To Lowest Bidder Or Lad This TD Played Rugby With”

Student Stabbing Pencil Case With Compass Awarded BT Young Scientist Prize

FOR OUTSTANDING contributions to innovation and research in the field of absentmindedly stabbing his pencil with a compass out of sheer boredom, 13-year-old Kevin Malally is walking home with the BT Young Scientist Award 2022. “Kevin has really shown us that there is still new and refreshing ways to poke holes in your pencil case… … Continue reading “Student Stabbing Pencil Case With Compass Awarded BT Young Scientist Prize”

“Aside From Attending Events When He Knew He Had Covid & Lying On His Visa Form, Novak Is The Victim”

AUSTRALIA’s Immigration Minister Alex Hawke has cancelled Novak Djokovic’s visa, sparking a fresh flood of controversy, laughter and memes. However, someone who is not laughing is diehard as-of-last-week Djokovic fan David Singley, who has never seen someone so thoroughly mistreated as he has the Serbian tennis great. “Look if you completely discount the fact he… … Continue reading ““Aside From Attending Events When He Knew He Had Covid & Lying On His Visa Form, Novak Is The Victim””

Brennans Release New Extra Long Slice Pan

IN A BID to satisfy the needs of the average Irish family the makers of Brennans bread have teamed up with leading bread technologists to produce an extra long edition of the staple slice pan. Coming in at aproximetly 500 slices, the extra long slice pan should cover all the bread needs of families for… … Continue reading “Brennans Release New Extra Long Slice Pan”

Men Asked To Take Day Off From The Hot Takes On Women’s Safety

THE VAST majority of men have been asked to keep their best ‘not all men’ opinions to themselves, it has been revealed. “No, I don’t want to get into lengthy debates about what I ‘could’ and ‘should’ do to be safe, can I just be angry, fearful and utterly devastated in peace, thank you,” confirmed… … Continue reading “Men Asked To Take Day Off From The Hot Takes On Women’s Safety”

We Catch Up With Gardaí Investigating Varadkar Leak

ACCUSED of allegedly leaking confidential documents relating to draft contracts between the HSE and GPs to a ‘not really a mate at all mate’, Leo Varadkar remains the focus of a garda investigation which has lasted well over a year. Public suspicion and speculation remains high due to the long drawn out nature of the… … Continue reading “We Catch Up With Gardaí Investigating Varadkar Leak”

Incredibly Patient Neighbour Has Another Parcel For You

WATERFORD man Allen Goodran has once again courteously acted as a postal depot for his neighbours the Manlon family, receiving yet another parcel for them before texting them to let them know it had arrived and subsequently completing the delivery when they arrived home. Goodran, who works from home while his neighbours have long since… … Continue reading “Incredibly Patient Neighbour Has Another Parcel For You”

Police Use Tear Gas To Disperse Crowd Of Women Outside Jason Momoa’s House

THE HOME of newly single Hollywood star Jason Momoa resembles the heavily militarised US diplomatic greenzone as police continue to struggle in their attempts to keep desperate single women from scaling the walls of his home. Some 106 officers have been pushing back thousands of women from attempting to enter the Aquaman stars home. Armed… … Continue reading “Police Use Tear Gas To Disperse Crowd Of Women Outside Jason Momoa’s House”

Handy Tips When Saving For A Mortgage

SO YOU’VE started on the road which you hope will end with you becoming a homeowner/saddled with debt for 30 years. But did you know that many first time buyers fail to identify simple and effective ways to save for that all important deposit? WWN’s financial expert Freddie Knobbs has those vital tips that could… … Continue reading “Handy Tips When Saving For A Mortgage”

Bringing A Car In From The North: FAQs

THINKING about buying a used car? You probably weren’t impressed with the news that since the beginning of the pandemic second-hand auto prices in Ireland have risen by over 50%, way in excess of the price inflation in the US or the UK. So why pay more for a car in rip-off Ireland when you… … Continue reading “Bringing A Car In From The North: FAQs”

Was The Irish Government Lockdown Party More Craic Than Downing St Party? We Investigate

BORIS JOHNSON may or may not have attended a rollicking get together with civil servants in his back garden and Simon Coveney may or may not have attended am impromptu champagne gathering in the Department of Foreign Affairs, but the real question remains which get together was better craic? “Outdoors in the No.10 garden, socially… … Continue reading “Was The Irish Government Lockdown Party More Craic Than Downing St Party? We Investigate”

How Governments Around The World Are Convincing Unvaccinated To Get The Jab

LOCAL authorities, regional governments and states continue in their attempts to persuade those unwilling or reluctant to get a Covid-19 vaccine to do so. Most recently the Canadian province of Quebec announced it will charge a health tax to residents who are not vaccinated. But what other high profile moves have been made around the… … Continue reading “How Governments Around The World Are Convincing Unvaccinated To Get The Jab”

Poll: Would You Trust Ireland With A Nuclear Power Station?

AS the growing energy crisis threatens rolling blackouts and a dependency on energy sourced from overseas (much of it derived from nuclear sources to begin with), the contentious question over whether or not Ireland should adopt nuclear power as its main source of energy has cropped up again. So what do you say? Surely a… … Continue reading “Poll: Would You Trust Ireland With A Nuclear Power Station?”

Relief As Omicron Only Resulting In Run Of The Mill HSE Chaos

THUS FAR huge numbers of Covid-19 cases attributed to the Omicron variant has not resulted in the HSE being overwhelmed by the virus with health service thankfully just subjected to the normal chaos and breakdown it frequently enters. “Oh no relax, that mentally fragile nurse who’s crying and begging for help isn’t doing it due… … Continue reading “Relief As Omicron Only Resulting In Run Of The Mill HSE Chaos”

Footage Of Straw-Haired Buffoon Quaffing Pints At Rule-Breaking Party Could Be Anyone, Explains Johnson

ANOTHER day, another revelation that the Tory party breached Covid restrictions set by themselves by attending a boozed-up shindig with little or no social distancing but this time, Prime Minister Boris Johnson isn’t having any of it. “Look, how many times must we do this. You say there was a party, when there was clearly… … Continue reading “Footage Of Straw-Haired Buffoon Quaffing Pints At Rule-Breaking Party Could Be Anyone, Explains Johnson”

DUP No Longer Biggest Dinosaurs In UK

THE discovery of the largest Ichthyosaur fossil in UK history has been welcomed by the Democratic Unionist Party, who have kindly handed over the award of ‘biggest dinosaur in the Commonwealth’ to the 33ft behemoth. The fearsome fossil was discovered at the Rutland Water Reserve in the English midlands, and is estimated to be about… … Continue reading “DUP No Longer Biggest Dinosaurs In UK”

Local Woman Wins Covid Certificate For Life After Becoming Ireland’s 1 Millionth Case

FLANKED by clapping HSE staff as she made her way down the hall of her local health centre, Ireland’s one millionth Covid case was beaming with excitement as she was funneled into a special ceremony marking the country’s latest milestone. Presented with a specially framed platinum Covid certificate, Michelle Woods thanked everyone in attendance, stating… … Continue reading “Local Woman Wins Covid Certificate For Life After Becoming Ireland’s 1 Millionth Case”

Norma Foley’s Guide To Keeping Students Warm In Class In Sub Zero Temperatures

FRESH from suggesting teachers should open windows ‘at a lower level’ if their classrooms are cold, Minister for Education Norma Foley has offered more nuggets of wisdom in the fight against Covid in Covid-free Irish schools. While failing to realise that there’s no ‘if’ to being cold in an Irish classroom, even when temperatures outside… … Continue reading “Norma Foley’s Guide To Keeping Students Warm In Class In Sub Zero Temperatures”

25-Year-Old Feels Like A Withered Old Hag Watching ‘Euphoria’

SETTLING IN to watch the season two opener of the Zendaya-starring HBO hit show about teenagers doing the sex, drugs and mental disintegration dance, Róisín Dollins is fully aware she’s an ancient basic bitch of a hag who is nowhere near cool enough to consume the show. “What if some teenagers passed by the window… … Continue reading “25-Year-Old Feels Like A Withered Old Hag Watching ‘Euphoria’”

David Cameron Sends First Pig Heart Transplant Patient His Well Wishes

A US man who received the world’s first pig heart transplant has thanked former British Prime Minister David Cameron for his well wishes but urged him that there is no need for all the flowers. Speaking from his recovery room at the University of Maryland Medical Centre, 57-year-old David Bennett said he was overwhelmed at… … Continue reading “David Cameron Sends First Pig Heart Transplant Patient His Well Wishes”

Topping Polls Not Giving Sinn Féin The Same Buzz It Used To

SINN Féin has left the majority of a celebratory ‘poll topping’ cake in the Dáil canteen for anyone who wants a slice, as most members of the party are sick of celebratory ‘poll topping’ cakes after the last 18 months. The cake had been bought to mark the party’s 10-point lead in a recent poll,… … Continue reading “Topping Polls Not Giving Sinn Féin The Same Buzz It Used To”