Harry & Meghan Put Frogmore Cottage Up On Airbnb

IN A BID to begin generating revenue streams now they have formally left the Royal Family, Harry and Meghan, now based in Canada have decided to list their English residence of Frogmore Cottage up on popular holiday rental site Airbnb. “It’s either this or get shift work in the local Pizza Express, but I’m not… … Continue reading “Harry & Meghan Put Frogmore Cottage Up On Airbnb”

Davos Billionaires Unveil Statue Of Beloved Friend Jeffrey Epstein

AFTER spending much of the week pretending to give a shit about what Greta Thunberg had to say about the environment, emotional billionaires in attendance at Davos turned their focus to honouring friend, fixer and epic orgy organiser Jeffrey Epstein as the annual knees up drew to a close. “Now that the laughable charade of… … Continue reading “Davos Billionaires Unveil Statue Of Beloved Friend Jeffrey Epstein”

Embarrassment As Doomsday Scientists Realise They Never Put Clock Back In Autumn

DREAD and panic have been put on hold at the Bulletin Of Atomic Scientists, after there was confusion over whether or not the Doomsday Clock was adhering properly to the ‘Spring Forward, Fall Back’ rule of daylight savings time. Long regarded as a warning to the world since its inception in 1947, the Doomsday Clock… … Continue reading “Embarrassment As Doomsday Scientists Realise They Never Put Clock Back In Autumn”

Seanad Seat For Travelling Community To Have Wall Around It

A NEW report issued by the Seanad has called for a designated place to be reserved for members of the travelling community, suggesting that a nice secure wall be built around it for the group’s ‘own protection’, and more importantly, to ‘make them feel more at home’. “We should probably restrict access to the Seanad… … Continue reading “Seanad Seat For Travelling Community To Have Wall Around It”

Peter Casey’s Family Haven’t The Heart To Tell Him They’re Voting For Someone Else

AVOIDING making direct eye contact with him, answering his phone calls and changing the topic of conversation to anything that isn’t yet another hapless, embarrassing bid to get money off the taxpayer, Peter Casey’s family are struggling with how to tell him, if at all, that he’s the last person they’d ever vote for. A… … Continue reading “Peter Casey’s Family Haven’t The Heart To Tell Him They’re Voting For Someone Else”

Clothes Don’t Fit Anymore? Here’s How You Can Put All The Weight Back On

JANUARY is drawing to a close, and all your hard work, determination and early-morning effort has paid off; you’ve shed those unwanted pounds, and you’re feeling great! There’s just one problem… none of your clothes fit anymore, and with January’s paycheck earmarked for clearing the Christmas credit card, you’re in quite a pickle! You obviously… … Continue reading “Clothes Don’t Fit Anymore? Here’s How You Can Put All The Weight Back On”

Football Clubs Urged To Take In Vulnerable & Lost Man United Fans

HAVING seen fans depart Old Trafford during the hilariously harrowing scenes of Manchester United’s 2-0 loss to Burnley last night, football fans of clubs that didn’t spend over £800 million pounds on absolute dross have been asked to open their hearts and doors to lost Manchester United fans. Representatives from football charities the British Have… … Continue reading “Football Clubs Urged To Take In Vulnerable & Lost Man United Fans”

Wolves Spend 90 Minutes Debating Over Best Way To Kill Sheep

IRISH TV viewing audiences were left disturbed after stumbling upon Virgin Media One at 9.30pm last night to discover the channel was airing a spirited debate between two wolves during which they discussed the best way to stalk, maim, kill and cull their most beloved prey; sheep. “Would it not be more advantageous to fatten… … Continue reading “Wolves Spend 90 Minutes Debating Over Best Way To Kill Sheep”

The Leaders Debate: As It Happened

The full blow by blow account of the bruising encounter between the Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil leaders as it happened: Things about to kick off, Virgin Media adopting a US politics style ‘head-to-head’ debate here, however, the confetti canons and cheerleaders are a bit much. Pat Kenny is wearing a Tom Ford suit tonight,… … Continue reading “The Leaders Debate: As It Happened”

Voter Registration Deadline: You Missed It You Stupid Bollox

WITH the General election looming in just a few short weeks, prospective voters who want to get on the register have until… ah, shite! It was today, and you missed it, didn’t you? Are you serious? Really? You just let the day come and go without doing one simple thing? As we were saying, February… … Continue reading “Voter Registration Deadline: You Missed It You Stupid Bollox”

“We Only Hack People, Not Phones”

CHUCKLING with the sort of sociopathic remove required to be a member of the ruling family of a country that murders journalists and commits war crimes in Yemen, Mohammed bin Salman has sought to clear up accusations that Saudi Arabia orchestrated the hacking of Amazon billionaire and Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos’s phone. “Oh you… … Continue reading ““We Only Hack People, Not Phones””

How Political Parties Plan On Solving The Housing Crisis

POSSIBLY the central issue at the forefront of the minds of a big section of the electorate, which is reflected by the fact political parties are all claiming to have the magic solution. But just what are Ireland’s political parties saying and promising when it comes to housing? WWN has collected all the parties’ big… … Continue reading “How Political Parties Plan On Solving The Housing Crisis”

Here’s A Scary Flu Story To Keep Your Anxiety Levels Nice And High

DESPITE being more likely to be killed by a falling piano while walking down the street, WWN has decided to jump on board with the rest of the global media to bring you this highly clickable pandemic story to scare the absolute shit out of your already hyper-clenched arse. Ignoring the fact that only 9… … Continue reading “Here’s A Scary Flu Story To Keep Your Anxiety Levels Nice And High”

How I Spend My Money: A 34-Year-Old Drug Dealer Making 300k Per Year

WELCOME to How I Spend My Money, a totally original series on WWN that looks at what people in Ireland really do with their hard earned cash. This week we chat to 34-year-old narcotics salesman Pajo Hollihan who lives in a local Waterford council estate and employs dozens of young people in the area, including… … Continue reading “How I Spend My Money: A 34-Year-Old Drug Dealer Making 300k Per Year”

Did You Spot These ‘Star Wars: Rise Of Skywalker’ Cameos?

AT this stage, many of you will have seen the indie sleeper hit Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker, and had a right old time with its crazy story about a person from a sandy region becoming the saviour of the whole world before the age of 30. But did you spot all the cameos… … Continue reading “Did You Spot These ‘Star Wars: Rise Of Skywalker’ Cameos?”

Coronas Virus Must Be Stopped Confirm Irish Music Fans

A RELIEVED community of ardent Irish music fans admitted they had all but lost hope of someone acting to prevent the Coronas from continuing to spread their harmful aurally transmitted virus on the airwaves until the Chinese government stepped up to the plate. “I’m not even going to question how it is the Chinese ever… … Continue reading “Coronas Virus Must Be Stopped Confirm Irish Music Fans”

Country Gets First Good Laugh Of Year After Labour Asks To Join Leaders Debate

ALTHOUGH the upcoming General Election has brought out some of the ugliest inter-party fighting that the country has ever seen and the nation remains numbed by the scale of the homelessness and health service crises, there was a moment of levity earlier today as the Labour party insisted that they too should be invited onto… … Continue reading “Country Gets First Good Laugh Of Year After Labour Asks To Join Leaders Debate”

Harry Bids Fond Farewell To His Dad, And Prince Charles

AS Harry bids a fond farewell to his native home in search of a better life fending for himself in the wild beauty of the plains of Canada, he has rounded up all of his family members and Prince Charles for one last hurrah. Harry, who will spend his life eating Walrus meat and wearing… … Continue reading “Harry Bids Fond Farewell To His Dad, And Prince Charles”

Man Crushed To Death By Mountain Of Election Leaflets Posted Through Letter Box

PARAMEDICS were called to a Dublin man’s house after he was left trapped under and ultimately crushed by a deluge of election campaign leaflets fired through his letter box following the first weekend of 2020 general election campaigning. Declan Brohan (59) had been looking forward to the arrival of candidates at his door as it… … Continue reading “Man Crushed To Death By Mountain Of Election Leaflets Posted Through Letter Box”

“100%” Local Woman Replies To Everything

DESPITE learning a vast array of words and phrases in her 26 years on the planet, Dublin woman Charlotte Hogan continues to reply to just about every single question with “100%”, a condition scientists believe is becoming more widespread among younger generations. “Charlotte seems to have developed a one-for-all answer to just about any question… … Continue reading ““100%” Local Woman Replies To Everything”

The Only Ways Liverpool Could Lose The League Now

LIVERPOOL’S long wait for a title is almost over, with even the most pessimistic of football fans conceding it is nigh on impossible that the Merseysiders could let their commanding lead slip. And yet, the history books of the beautiful game are littered with examples of unbelievable twists and turns, both cruel and euphoric. Just… … Continue reading “The Only Ways Liverpool Could Lose The League Now”

Fine Gael Divert Homeless Budget To Election Campaign

A PANIC-stricken Fine Gael have held an emergency budget meeting to divert as much public funding as possible to their general election campaign, following a shocking poll that shows them trailing behind Fianna Fáil by several points. “Pull as much cash as you can away from housing services, fuck it we need it more” cried… … Continue reading “Fine Gael Divert Homeless Budget To Election Campaign”

Today’s Election Lies, Promises & Cock-Ups

YOUR ONE STOP SHOP for all the twists and turns from today’s campaign trail: As the drug gang violence continues to spill out onto the streets politicians have denied this is a ‘hot button election issue’ as “most of the communities terrorised by the gangs don’t bother voting”. Fine Gael went on to ask the… … Continue reading “Today’s Election Lies, Promises & Cock-Ups”

Netflix Confirm ‘Narcos: Ireland’ Filming Underway

THE STREAMING giant Netflix has named Ireland as the location for the next few series of the popular ‘Narcos’ series, stating the country was the obvious choice after recent drug-related headlines. Netflix is sticking close to the winning formula of a filming in a narco-state terrorised by brazen criminals, enabled by inept political leadership from… … Continue reading “Netflix Confirm ‘Narcos: Ireland’ Filming Underway”

Coroner Accidentally Burned Jeffrey Epstein’s Body & Dumped It In Ocean

WHAT is being labeled as a ‘simple’ administration error that ‘could have happened to any one of the bodies’ being stored in the New York City coroner’s office, the body belonging to billionaire sex trafficker and friend to the famous and the powerful, Jeffrey Epstein, has been mistakenly destroyed via burning before being dumped in… … Continue reading “Coroner Accidentally Burned Jeffrey Epstein’s Body & Dumped It In Ocean”

Concerned Coke User Hopes Latest Violent Murders Don’t Affect Supply

AFTER news that a 17-year-old child was murdered and had his body dismembered as gangland violence reached a barbaric low of incomprehensible sub-human savagery, one concerned local cocaine user expressed hope that horrific murders don’t disrupt his regular weekly supply. “Ah it’s only a bit a coke,” confirmed semi-regular, only when I’m out out cocaine… … Continue reading “Concerned Coke User Hopes Latest Violent Murders Don’t Affect Supply”

Sinn Féin To Begin Spouting Racism In Bid To Get On RTÉ Debate

STRATEGISTS at Sinn Féin headquarters have devised a foolproof plan to ensure their party receives the same amount of airplay on RTÉ over the course of the 2020 General Election by dropping snippets of extreme racism, misogyny, right-wing nonsense and outright lies into their rhetoric from now on. Party leader Mary Lou McDonald is not… … Continue reading “Sinn Féin To Begin Spouting Racism In Bid To Get On RTÉ Debate”

Putin Calls Meeting To Tell Russian Government They’ve All Resigned

ANNOUNCING his intention to live forever and rule over Russia well into the 25th century, President Vladimir Putin has confirmed that he called a meeting yesterday with Russian PM Dmitri Medvedev and his government to inform them that they had voluntarily resigned. “We can confirm that we resigned willingly as part of a constitutional shake… … Continue reading “Putin Calls Meeting To Tell Russian Government They’ve All Resigned”

Today’s Election Campaign Catch Up

THROUGHOUT the 2020 general election campaign WWN’s vast team of roving reporters will bring all you the latest from around the country as politicians try to sell their uninspired and poorly thought out short-term vision for Ireland: Unveiling their ‘A Future To Look Forward To’ slogan Fine Gael outlined their intention to focus on Ireland’s… … Continue reading “Today’s Election Campaign Catch Up”

Netflix Greenlights ‘The Two Popes 2: Pope Harder’

WITH hundreds of viewers and two Academy Awards nominations in the bag, it seems people can’t get enough of Netflix’s “The Two Popes” and well, they’re in luck, because the streaming service has just OK’d a sequel provisionally titled ‘The Two Popes: Pope Harder’. Detailing the story of the transition of Popeness from Pope Benedict… … Continue reading “Netflix Greenlights ‘The Two Popes 2: Pope Harder’”

Local Man Sharing Instagram Posts To Facebook Just For The Viewable Likes

STRUNG out on his daily hit of digitally infused dopamine, local man and wannabe influencer Jack Maher has been forced to resort to cross sharing his Instagram posts to Facebook, due to the social network hiding the number of likes from followers. Despite migrating to Instagram because ‘he was sick of all the old whingers… … Continue reading “Local Man Sharing Instagram Posts To Facebook Just For The Viewable Likes”

Dublin Commuters Advised To Factor Gangland Activity Into Daily Travel

AA ROADWATCH has added a new ‘crimewatch’ section to its traffic monitoring services, in a bid to cut down on hefty waiting times for commuters around Dublin city centre due to gangland murders and the like. The measures are being taken following complaints about substantial traffic jams caused by gangland shootings, CAB raids, shoot-outs and… … Continue reading “Dublin Commuters Advised To Factor Gangland Activity Into Daily Travel”

Take Our Quiz & We’ll Match You With Your Perfect Election Candidate

ELECTION 2020 campaigning is well and truly underway and like a large portion of the public you may be struggling to keep track of all the upstanding members of the public putting themselves forward, vying for your vote. Not sure if your vote should go to the man on the poster on the lamp post… … Continue reading “Take Our Quiz & We’ll Match You With Your Perfect Election Candidate”

Middle Class Couple To Vote Fine Gael Just To Keep The Poor In Their Place

ON FOOT of the announcement of a general election on the 8th of February one middle class couple is carefully weighing up their voting options. Stating that issues such as housing, health and growing inequality are so deeply important to them, Dublin couple Sophie and Liam Creeland (both 39) have concluded voting Fine Gael is… … Continue reading “Middle Class Couple To Vote Fine Gael Just To Keep The Poor In Their Place”

Subtle Signs Your Boyfriend May Be A ‘Joe’

WITH the romantic Netflix hit ‘You’ leaving women swooning over the epic tale of a man willing to go to all manner of lengths for the women he loves, more and more people are looking at their boyfriends, staring on with a mix of wonder, worry and hope; what if I’m not going out with… … Continue reading “Subtle Signs Your Boyfriend May Be A ‘Joe’”

Trudeau To Focus On Canadian Plane Deaths Right After He Sorts Harry And Meghan Out

CANADIAN Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has put the issue of an airplane carrying 57 Canadian citizens being shot out of the sky by an Iranian missile ‘out of his mind’ for the moment, as he assembles a task-force to decide how to properly guarantee the security of Meghan Markle and The Artist Formerly Known As… … Continue reading “Trudeau To Focus On Canadian Plane Deaths Right After He Sorts Harry And Meghan Out”

Harvey Weinstein Nominated For Best Actor In His Role As Crippled Old Pervert

AMERICAN film producer and now actor Harvey Weinstein joins Jonathan Pryce, Antonio Banderas, Leonardo DiCaprio, Adam Driver and Joaquin Phoenix as a Best Actor Oscar nominee for his role as a crippled old pervert, WWN can confirm. Tipped to win the Oscar for best actor for his ongoing performance at a New York court, Weinstein… … Continue reading “Harvey Weinstein Nominated For Best Actor In His Role As Crippled Old Pervert”

Putin Not Arsed Interfering In Irish Election

RUSSIA’S benevolent leader Vladimir Putin has expressed his disinterest in interfering in the upcoming Irish election, despite his obvious interest in destabilising the West. Senior KGB agents, unrivaled in the field of sowing the seeds of discontent in democracies, had recently presented Putin with a 24 inch thick dossier on Ireland with endless recommendations for… … Continue reading “Putin Not Arsed Interfering In Irish Election”

Here’s All The Things Gwyneth Paltrow Is Telling You To Put Up Your Vagina Today

GWYNETH PALTROW, part-time actress and full-time spreader of reckless homeopathic ‘remedies’ which could put people’s health at risk has taken a break from selling candles that smell like her vagina to return to her true passion in life; telling women what they should shove up their own vaginas. Not to be discouraged by the fact… … Continue reading “Here’s All The Things Gwyneth Paltrow Is Telling You To Put Up Your Vagina Today”

Northern Ireland Update: Everyone Mad At Everything

NORTHERN Ireland has finally welcomed back the NI Executive following a three year hiatus, with politicians and citizens on both sides of the political divide agreeing to smother their true feelings with a blanket knitted from pure solid anger, WWN can confirm. Both Sinn Féin’s Michelle O’Neill and the DUP’s Arlene Foster, the new executive’s… … Continue reading “Northern Ireland Update: Everyone Mad At Everything”

Confusion As Britain Complains About Foreigner Leaving Country

AS BRITAIN continues to treat Harry Windsor and Meaghan Markle’s decision to step away from their positions in the Royal Family like it is a pivotal scene in a disaster movie, the British people have expressed profound confusion over their dismay at a foreigner actually leaving the country. Having spent much of the recent past… … Continue reading “Confusion As Britain Complains About Foreigner Leaving Country”

Leo Varadkar’s Guide To The 2020 Election

REMAINING coy on the exact date for this year’s general election, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar spoke to WWN and helpfully divulged some details which will be of use to the electorate ahead of what experts are calling ‘surely the most disappointing array of politicians’ on record: – Unhappy with the current state of public services? The… … Continue reading “Leo Varadkar’s Guide To The 2020 Election”

Local Brendan Delighted To Finally Have Storm With His Name

IT’S been an emotional morning for 33-year-old Waterford native Brendan Whelan, who is finally out standing in the torrential rain and gale force winds of a storm with his actual name on it. “Storm Brendan, a great day for the parish” roared Whelan, leaning at a 45 degree angle into the high winds of the… … Continue reading “Local Brendan Delighted To Finally Have Storm With His Name”

“Come On Emma, You’re Better Than This” Woman Tells Self Before Watching Love Island For 2 Months

NERVOUSLY TAPPING her leg with the TV remote, clearly in the throes of some mental anguish, local woman Emma Kennedy is currently urging herself not to throw away the next two months of her life by getting addicted to watching Love Island all over again. “You know you’re better than this Emma, don’t become a… … Continue reading ““Come On Emma, You’re Better Than This” Woman Tells Self Before Watching Love Island For 2 Months”

Local Man Settles In For Night Of Pampering & Self-Care With The Lads

SHUNNING the excesses of heavy drinking and late nights with little sleep, The Lads™ (Ian, Chunky, Matt the Head, Liam and Scanno) have convened in the sitting room for an evening of eye masks, dressing gowns and high levels of self care and pampering. “Jesus, lads, we need to do this more regularly,” shared Dermot… … Continue reading “Local Man Settles In For Night Of Pampering & Self-Care With The Lads”

New Research Reveals Jesus Was Short, Fat Man With Stubby Little Toes

SINCE pictorial depictions of Christ Our Saviour began, there has been consistent, recurring physical features which have echoed down the centuries, defining his image in the mind of every worshipper however, this is all set to change thanks to some new research carried out by religious scholars. Recently unearthed first hand accounts of Jesus reveal… … Continue reading “New Research Reveals Jesus Was Short, Fat Man With Stubby Little Toes”

Harry & Meghan: What’s Really Going On

NOT informing the Queen in advance? Bitter Palace rows. The Daily Mail claiming the number ‘666’ is visible on the scalp of Meghan Markle? With the intrigue, rumours and wild speculation at its peak, WWN gets to the bottom of the only issue worth occupying the world’s interest at this fairly quiet lull in news… … Continue reading “Harry & Meghan: What’s Really Going On”

Man’s Sudden Death Linked To Friend Taking Lucky Cigarette 23 Years Ago

STATE pathologist Dr. Theresa Murphy has confirmed that the accidental removal of an upside down cigarette from a pack of 20 Benson & Hedges over 23 years ago was responsible for the death of Waterford man, David Cowman, WWN can reveal. Cowman, (44), was found dead at his home last month from unknown circumstances, baffling… … Continue reading “Man’s Sudden Death Linked To Friend Taking Lucky Cigarette 23 Years Ago”

FAI Cutbacks To See Return Of ‘Jumpers For Goalposts’

STRICT cost-cutting measures, including the reduction of players per team to 9 each, are to be put into place by the FAI in a bid to tackle the €60 million-ish of debt that the association has racked up due to the ineptitude of nobody in particular. “Look, who knows where all this debt came from?”… … Continue reading “FAI Cutbacks To See Return Of ‘Jumpers For Goalposts’”