Liverpool Fan To Spend Day Compiling Dossier On How Everyone Is Against Them

SPEAKING at a ferocious rate of knots and looking like they haven’t slept in days, one local Liverpool fan is putting the final touches to his 12,000 page dossier which suggests were it not for a plot against his club they would be 40 points clear at the top of the table. “The ref blew… … Continue reading “Liverpool Fan To Spend Day Compiling Dossier On How Everyone Is Against Them”

“Stick Your Claps Up Your Hole And Get Us Some Fucking Help” Nurses Plead

FRONTLINE health workers across the country have today kindly asked the government, HSE, anyone at all, to stick their claps up their holes and actually get them some proper fucking help, stat! “We appreciate all the praise, the contributions, free take aways, claps, all that stuff; but we’re stretched beyond capacity here due to poor… … Continue reading ““Stick Your Claps Up Your Hole And Get Us Some Fucking Help” Nurses Plead”

“Stick Your Claps Up Your Hole And Get Us Some Fucking Help” Nurses Plead

FRONTLINE health workers across the country have today kindly asked the government, HSE, anyone at all, to stick their claps up their holes and actually get them some proper fucking help, stat! “We appreciate all the praise, the contributions, free take aways, claps, all that stuff; but we’re stretched beyond capacity here due to poor… … Continue reading ““Stick Your Claps Up Your Hole And Get Us Some Fucking Help” Nurses Plead”

“Stick Your Claps Up Your Hole And Get Us Some Fucking Help” Nurses Plead

FRONTLINE health workers across the country have today kindly asked the government, HSE, anyone at all, to stick their claps up their holes and actually get them some proper fucking help, stat! “We appreciate all the praise, the contributions, free take aways, claps, all that stuff; but we’re stretched beyond capacity here due to poor… … Continue reading ““Stick Your Claps Up Your Hole And Get Us Some Fucking Help” Nurses Plead”

Liverpool Fan To Spend Day Compiling Dossier On How Everyone Is Against Them

SPEAKING at a ferocious rate of knots and looking like they haven’t slept in days, one local Liverpool fan is putting the final touches to his 12,000 page dossier which suggests were it not for a plot against his club they would be 40 points clear at the top of the table. “The ref blew… … Continue reading “Liverpool Fan To Spend Day Compiling Dossier On How Everyone Is Against Them”

Varadkar Crushes Bone China Teacup Upon Hearing Sinn Féin Poll-Topping News

A NEW opinion poll which showed Sinn Féin as the number one political party in Ireland has caused Tánaiste Leo Varadkar to become so angry he almost kicked one of the peacocks on his grounds to death, WWN can reveal. “Get me the spin team, tell them I want an article about how the mutant… … Continue reading “Varadkar Crushes Bone China Teacup Upon Hearing Sinn Féin Poll-Topping News”

Phil Hogan Offers To Cover Justice Minister’s Maternity Leave

FORMER EU Agriculture and Rural Development Commissioner Phil Hogan has quickly stepped in to offer his services following news Justice Minister Helen McEntee is to take something called ‘maternity leave’, which is apparently time off work in lieu of giving birth to a baby human, WWN has learned. Skulking around outside Leinster House, Mr. Hogan,… … Continue reading “Phil Hogan Offers To Cover Justice Minister’s Maternity Leave”

Navalny Arrested For Refusing To Die

AS THE plane transporting Alexei Navalny back to Russia touched down in Moscow, authorities, absolutely not at the direction of Vladimir Putin, arrested the Putin critic, charging him with one count of ‘failure to die from poisoning as instructed’. Charged with a number of other crimes ranging from being ‘critically well’ and ‘still breathing’ Navalny’s… … Continue reading “Navalny Arrested For Refusing To Die”

Council Confirms Homeless Allowed To Sleep At White Water Rafting Facility When Not In Use

A CONTROVERSIAL new white-water rafting facility is to allow the city’s homeless community to sleep there when not in use, allocating one raft to each homeless person wishing to avail of the new scheme, Dublin City Council (DCC) confirmed. The €22.8 million construction, soon to be €50 million, has come under fire by politicians and… … Continue reading “Council Confirms Homeless Allowed To Sleep At White Water Rafting Facility When Not In Use”

11 Pictures Of Fun Activities That, Honestly, Will Just Piss You Off

FRUSTRATED by the fact there’s fuck all to do? Well then, whatever you do don’t look at these fun things to do that frankly will just piss you off to look at. Sake! And normally you’d be saying bowling’s shite. Shit music. Can’t hear anyone. Wall to wall doses. Fuck, you’d miss it all the… … Continue reading “11 Pictures Of Fun Activities That, Honestly, Will Just Piss You Off”

DUP Happy To Starve Everyone To Death If It Means Remaining In United Kingdom

THE DUP party spent the day sharing their anger at the sight of empty shelves in supermarkets until someone pointed out that maybe championing Brexit and setting up a sea border in the Irish sea may have something to do with the current crisis. “A sea border? No, I don’t think so. You need your… … Continue reading “DUP Happy To Starve Everyone To Death If It Means Remaining In United Kingdom”

Johnson Offers 100k To Any Footballer That Goes In Studs-Up On Marcus Rashford

“ONE would think, amid all the by-clauses and backdoors and amendments and constitutional rewrites and donkey-and-cart era bylaws and exemptions sewn into the British legal system, that a Prime Minister would have found it easier than this to hobble or otherwise kill a mere sportsman” sighed PM Boris Johnson today, pinning a picture of Marcus… … Continue reading “Johnson Offers 100k To Any Footballer That Goes In Studs-Up On Marcus Rashford”

Angelus Bongs Sounding A Little More Nervous Today

TV VIEWERS have expressed concern for Ireland’s favourite binge worthy TV show The Angelus, after many reported that the iconic bongs sounded a little ‘off’ in recent days, ever since the details of the Mother and Baby Homes report was first leaked to the media. “Can you hear sweat? Is that possible?” confirmed RTÉ’s chief… … Continue reading “Angelus Bongs Sounding A Little More Nervous Today”

Media Running Out Of Ways To Say ‘Health System Fucked’

LEAFING through dog eared copies of thesauruses reporters are struggling to remember how many times they have used ‘catastrophic’, ‘cataclysmic’, ‘grim’, ‘decimated’, ‘disaster’ and ‘the bit in Titanic when the ship snaps in half’ to describe the recent deterioration in the capacity of the health service to treat an explosion in the number of Covid-19… … Continue reading “Media Running Out Of Ways To Say ‘Health System Fucked’”

“I Haven’t Slept In Four Days And I’m This Close To Busting This Thing Wide Open”, States Don Jr

DONALD Trump Jr has turned down his family’s pleas to have a lie-down, and has instead entered his 98th hour of streaming his emotional takedown of the Democratic party and their followers on the few social media platforms that are left available to the Trump family. “Big tech? More like Big Brother, perpetrating an Orwellian… … Continue reading ““I Haven’t Slept In Four Days And I’m This Close To Busting This Thing Wide Open”, States Don Jr”

Sports Exemption Not Extended To Pointless Frivolities Like Women’s Sport

RUGBY fans rejoice; the Six Nations championship is set to go ahead this year with added measures in place to ensure a safe, Covid-free environment, while the Women’s Championship has been postponed following a risk assessment that ascertained that nobody really cared enough. “It wasn’t worth our while holding a tournament that would expose the… … Continue reading “Sports Exemption Not Extended To Pointless Frivolities Like Women’s Sport”

“OK, Apology Made, Move Along Folks”

AS survivors still trawl through the Mother & Baby Homes report that was handed to government in October 2020 and only given to survivors after it was first leaked to the media, the Taoiseach confirmed that with an apology made, there is no need to dwell on any aspect of the report now labeled ‘a… … Continue reading ““OK, Apology Made, Move Along Folks””

Close Contact Health Workers Called Back To Work In Sure Sign That Everything Is Fine

IN SCENES which will undoubtedly be described as ‘normal’ by the Minister of Health and not nearly as dangerous as trying to have a go at charging your phone in the bath, frontline health workers who have been listed as close contacts to someone who tested positive with Covid-19 are returning to work in a… … Continue reading “Close Contact Health Workers Called Back To Work In Sure Sign That Everything Is Fine”

Local Conspiracy Nut Kinda Disappointed His Twitter Account Wasn’t Suspended

WATERFORD’S foremost Qanon advocate and long-time conspiracy headcase Ian Rafferty is today wondering what somebody has to do to get kicked off Twitter these days, after years of venomous tweeting proved not enough to warrant an expulsion from the platform in the last couple of days. With some 70,000 alt-right members, white supremacists and Qanon… … Continue reading “Local Conspiracy Nut Kinda Disappointed His Twitter Account Wasn’t Suspended”

All The Excuses That Can Get You To The Top Of The Vaccine Queue

AS THE initial rollout of the Covid-19 vaccination is criticsed for its slow pace, and young and health people face the prospect of not receiving a jab until the end of the year at the earliest if the current pace is maintained, many are considering ways in which they can skip the lengthy queue. OK,… … Continue reading “All The Excuses That Can Get You To The Top Of The Vaccine Queue”

Church ‘Sorry’ But Not ‘Pay Compensation Sorry’

THE CATHOLIC church has ‘apologised unreservedly’ for its very small, barely significant part in setting up and running Mother and Baby Homes for 70 plus years which proved to be a bottomless pit of immense cruelty and inhumanity which they gleefully threw 56,000 women. Experts with previous experience of church apologies in Ireland have confirmed… … Continue reading “Church ‘Sorry’ But Not ‘Pay Compensation Sorry’”

Society Feeling Pretty Stupid For Blaming Church And State

A SHEEPISH Irish nation woke with the unrelenting feeling of existential dread this morning after realising it, and not the Church and State, played the leading role in the decades of abuse, slavery and neglect of thousands of mother and babies, as detailed by a recent state commissioned report. Previously pinning the vast majority of… … Continue reading “Society Feeling Pretty Stupid For Blaming Church And State”

Gardaí Given New Powers To Call People Wearing Masks Below Nose ‘Fucking Eejits’

IN ADDITION to being able to issue on the spot fines of €100 for people breaching Covid laws, Gardaí have been given new powers which allow them to give the mother of all bollockings to eejits who, a year into a pandemic, still haven’t mastered the art of wearing a face mask above the nose…. … Continue reading “Gardaí Given New Powers To Call People Wearing Masks Below Nose ‘Fucking Eejits’”

Local Man Isn’t Watching Any ‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Without Samantha

“No Kim Cattrall? What’s the point” sighed Waterford man Eamon Whelan at the news that HBO MAX were bringing back most of the original Sex And The City cast for a reunion show, not that he watched the original of course. “Not that I watched the original, of course” he stressed again, to make sure… … Continue reading “Local Man Isn’t Watching Any ‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Without Samantha”

“Leaker Of Report Will Be Held To Account” Says Leaker Who Was Not Held To Account

AS THE survivors of the mother and baby homes digest the immense cruelty meted out by the person who leaked parts of the mother and baby homes report to the media, a member of government well known for leaking confidential documents and receiving no punishment has assured survivors whoever leaked the report would definitely be… … Continue reading ““Leaker Of Report Will Be Held To Account” Says Leaker Who Was Not Held To Account”

Signs That You’re An Old Soul

DO you feel like you’re far more psychologically advanced and emotionally stable than your peers and could never put your finger on just why you are so great and superior to others? You could be what cosmic researchers now called an ‘Old Soul’! Only a handful of the world are made up of these incredibly… … Continue reading “Signs That You’re An Old Soul”

“Shame No One Warned Us Opening Everything Over Xmas Was A Bad Idea”

UNDER pressure Minister for Health When There’s Good PR Stephen Donnelly has confirmed it is beyond tragic that no one, not a single person in NPHET, the wider healthcare system, international experts or the dog on the street ever mentioned risk of exponential growth in Covid cases if the government opened up in person dining… … Continue reading ““Shame No One Warned Us Opening Everything Over Xmas Was A Bad Idea””

Deranged Trump Found Scrawling Tweets On Wall Of Oval Office

AS HOUSE Democrats in America keep themselves busy by introducing articles of impeachment for the outgoing president, a shivering and sweating Donald Trump is still struggling with social media withdrawals having been banned from Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitch and Bebo. Finishing his latest offline tweet posted via big black sharpie on the Oval Office… … Continue reading “Deranged Trump Found Scrawling Tweets On Wall Of Oval Office”

Things To Get Offended About

SOMEONE WITHIN government or the civil service leaking details of the Mother & Baby Homes report to newspapers. The Sunday Independent publishing it. Meaning this is how survivors first learned details from the report including that 9,000 children died in mother and baby homes. The human trafficking of children by the church. For profit. The… … Continue reading “Things To Get Offended About”

“Don’t Watch ‘Tenet’, Biggest Load Of Shite,” Warns Local Man

IMPARTING his warning with a serious tone befitting someone alerting people to an impending tsunami hitting a nearby shoreline, local man Dave Clerkin is trying to dissuade as many people as possible from sitting down to watch Christopher Nolan blockbuster ‘Tenet’ which Clerkin has taken to labeling ‘a big heap of absolute bollocks’. “Biggest load… … Continue reading ““Don’t Watch ‘Tenet’, Biggest Load Of Shite,” Warns Local Man”

Prick Friend Who Never Engages Online Still Viewing All Your Stories

DESPITE not posting or liking anything in his 12 years on social media, that skulking prick from school continually views every single one of your Facebook and Instagram stories, watching you and everything you post, harvesting the visuals of your life for some unknown purpose, WWN has learned. Still with the same profile picture from… … Continue reading “Prick Friend Who Never Engages Online Still Viewing All Your Stories”

Protesters Outside RTÉ Turn Attention To Mother & Baby Homes Report [UPDATED]

A PLATOON of protesters from the Irish League of Concerned Citizens are today determining how best to direct their anger at the Catholic Church, ahead of the release of what is looking like an incredibly damning report into Mother & Baby homes in Ireland. “Alright lads, placards down, we need new slogans by the close… … Continue reading “Protesters Outside RTÉ Turn Attention To Mother & Baby Homes Report [UPDATED]”

Protestors Outside RTÉ Turn Attention To Mother & Baby Homes Report [UPDATED]

A PLATOON of protestors from the Irish League of Concerned Citizens are today determining how best to direct their anger at the Catholic Church, ahead of the release of what is looking like an incredibly damning report into Mother & Baby homes in Ireland. “Alright lads, placards down, we need new slogans by the close… … Continue reading “Protestors Outside RTÉ Turn Attention To Mother & Baby Homes Report [UPDATED]”

Homeschooling: How To Make It Easier By Just Doing Your Kid’s Work For Them

WITH the dreaded news that schools will remain closed until at least the end of January (which many are taking to mean the end of February, when accounting for the Irish government), many parents are stressing about having to incorporate ‘distance learning’ into their already stressed out days. But fear not! Based on the experience… … Continue reading “Homeschooling: How To Make It Easier By Just Doing Your Kid’s Work For Them”

Confused Spanish Urged Not To Snort Snow

SPANISH officials launched a nationwide campaign today urging people to not attempt to snort the white substance landing on the ground as it is in fact snow, and not copious amounts of cocaine as initially thought. Thousands of Spaniards flooded hospitals with what doctors are calling ‘brain freeze symptoms’ after ingesting large quantities of frozen… … Continue reading “Confused Spanish Urged Not To Snort Snow”

HSE Doesn’t Want To Cause Panic But Does Anyone Know How To Work A Ventilator

HSE management has started a house-by-house recruitment process to find retired nurses, doctors, vets, St. Johns ambulance people, people who learned CPR as part of the Gaisce awards at school, and anyone who has watched 14 or more episodes of Casualty, in a bid to plug the gaps in the health service as Covid-19 continues… … Continue reading “HSE Doesn’t Want To Cause Panic But Does Anyone Know How To Work A Ventilator”

Man Gets Job With Delivery Company Just So He Can Deliver Package To Self He Ordered Months Ago

SICK of having to wait weeks for orders to never arrive despite receiving 20 separate text and email update about how ‘your package will be delivered today’, one local man has taken an unconventional approach to resolving the problem. 35-year-old Waterford man Fintan Folan has left behind a successful career in finance to become a… … Continue reading “Man Gets Job With Delivery Company Just So He Can Deliver Package To Self He Ordered Months Ago”

Man Admits He Wasted His 20s Defending The Matrix

A MAN in his early forties has today finally admitted that the Matrix trilogy from the late nineties/early 2000s is on the whole a great big pile of absolute shite, with the high points of the first movie diluted by the dreck of the second and third; something he spent ten years denying because ‘it… … Continue reading “Man Admits He Wasted His 20s Defending The Matrix”

Government Limits Alcohol Sales To 29th Of February Only, Between 9am-10am

THE IRISH government has announced it will limit the sales of alcohol from 9am to 10am on the morning of the 29th of February in the hopes of curbing house parties, public drinking and general craic across the nation. Under the new laws, alcohol, responsible for just about every Covid infection across the planet, can… … Continue reading “Government Limits Alcohol Sales To 29th Of February Only, Between 9am-10am”

Norma Foley Confirms Possibility Schools Would Remain Open During Nuclear Apocalypse

WHILE the Minister for Education ended days of silence and uncertainty to confirm a government u-turn on forcing Leaving Cert students and their teachers into schools three days a week amid an out of control pandemic, Norma Foley maintained schools would reopen in the case of a catastrophic nuclear war. Speaking from within the confines… … Continue reading “Norma Foley Confirms Possibility Schools Would Remain Open During Nuclear Apocalypse”

Donáil O’Truimpaigh Wants To Add You As A Friend

THOUSANDS of Republicans in America have received a strange friend request on Facebook from someone called Donáil O’Truimpaigh, mere hours after the social media platform blocked the similarly-sounding Donald Trump for a violation of their rules. O’Truimpaigh, who claims to be interested in fair politics, Fox News, golf and KFC, also has his address listed… … Continue reading “Donáil O’Truimpaigh Wants To Add You As A Friend”

Covid Numbers Even Starting To Concern Hardy Bastards

IRELAND’S coronavirus crisis has reached the point where even the hardest of chaws are having second thoughts about walking into a supermarket without a mask, a worrying new report has shown. Whereas tough nuts and hard bastards saw ‘no problems’ with flaunting regulations during the 2020 phase of the pandemic, worryingly high new daily figures… … Continue reading “Covid Numbers Even Starting To Concern Hardy Bastards”

Kim Kardashian Asks For Publicity At This Difficult Time

AS RUMOURS continue to swirl about the fate of her relationship with Kanye West, reality TV royalty Kim Kardashian and her team have urged the press to respect her right to maximum publicity at this difficult time. “It is at this difficult time Kim asks for wall to wall coverage and for her privacy to… … Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Asks For Publicity At This Difficult Time”

World Growing Concerned About Milk Bottles & Junk Mail Piling Up Outside North Korea

“SOMEONE should knock in, see if they’re okay” mused a spokesperson from the East Asia Neighbourhood Watch community on the group’s WhatsApp this morning, referring to the fact that nobody had seen or heard from anyone from North Korea for quite some time. “I think they’re okay”, remarked China. “Sure we only saw them, when… … Continue reading “World Growing Concerned About Milk Bottles & Junk Mail Piling Up Outside North Korea”

The Government’s Guide To How This Is All Your Fault, Actually

WITH the health service overwhelmed and on the verge of collapse as Covid-19 spreads out of control across the country, the Irish government is keen to stress that this is actually all your fault when you really think about it. In a bid to explain this very reasonable point in a clear and concise manner,… … Continue reading “The Government’s Guide To How This Is All Your Fault, Actually”

Twitter Bans Inciter Of Domestic Terrorists For 12 Hours

IN A clear sign that American democracy remains in rude health social media company Twitter has banned Donald Trump from its website for 12 hours. Believed to be harshest punishment available to the US judiciary system for a white or orange person, the ban came after a large mob stormed Capitol Hill in Washington DC,… … Continue reading “Twitter Bans Inciter Of Domestic Terrorists For 12 Hours”

Isn’t It Time We Had A ‘Nollaig Na Fir’?

LOCAL MAN Richard Browne has marked this year’s Nollaig na mBan celebrations by asking if it’s not a little bit sexist for Irish women to have a day to themselves. “I thought it was sexist to single out a particular gender for special treatment, huh? Yeah, got ya! You didn’t think about that, did ya?,”… … Continue reading “Isn’t It Time We Had A ‘Nollaig Na Fir’?”

Lad Driving Around In New 21 Reg Has Some Cheek

THERE were heartwarming scenes as a close knit Waterford community came together in moving scenes to highlight the brass neck of Dermot Havers of No.59 after he drove home in a brand new car. “And with everything that’s going on,” confirmed neighbour Jackie Stones, empathically tutting in the direction of Havers as he stood in… … Continue reading “Lad Driving Around In New 21 Reg Has Some Cheek”

Parents Of Influencer Tell Their Friends He Died Overseas

WHEN Waterford couple Caroline and William McIntyre are asked how their son Eric is getting on since he moved up to Dublin last year, they adopt a solemn tone and say that he succumbed to a mystery illness while traveling and passed away, rather than reveal the truth that their son is a would-be TikTok… … Continue reading “Parents Of Influencer Tell Their Friends He Died Overseas”

No Pressure, But BT Young Scientists Project Better Have Pandemic Ended By End Of Day

AS the BT Young Scientist & Technology Exhibition goes online for the very first time today growing numbers of the public have joined the virtual exhibition to plead with the young teenagers to fill the void left by the country’s politicians in a bid to end the ongoing pandemic. “Not gonna lie, if any of… … Continue reading “No Pressure, But BT Young Scientists Project Better Have Pandemic Ended By End Of Day”