Narcissists Storm Instagram Offices Over Lost Likes

HURLING lip filler kits, protein shakes, large gin glasses and kettle bells through the windows of Instagram offices in San Franciso a large crowd of narcissistic app users demanded an end to a trial which has seen Instagram hide the number of likes photos get from people scrolling through feeds. “Hey assholes,” shouted one muscular… … Continue reading “Narcissists Storm Instagram Offices Over Lost Likes”

HSE Just 30 More Rushed Overhauls Away From Not Being Fixed

WITH the announcement by minister for health Simon Harris of plans for 6 regional health areas within the HSE, Ireland is tantalisingly close to being just 30 rushed overhauls away from the health service not being in any better shape. “This is definetly going to work…probably,” an exhausted looking Simon Harris said, hoping the public and… … Continue reading “HSE Just 30 More Rushed Overhauls Away From Not Being Fixed”

Irish Water Protester Thinking Of Getting The Band Back Together

ACTING on new measures by Irish Water to impose excessive usage charges on households that waste water, local man Ian Casey began searching through his phone’s contact list for his old protester pals who he hasn’t seen or talked to for the past 5 years. “Dan is married now with kids and Jamie seems to have emigrated… … Continue reading “Irish Water Protester Thinking Of Getting The Band Back Together”

We Went To Analyse Johnson’s Policies But We Realised He Didn’t Have Any So We Took The Day Off, Got Ice Cream & Everything

CASTING aside his larger than life personality, his Eton-honed quirks, his Oxford-perfected bluster, his train wreck of a personal life, his black hole of a track record – Boris Johnson is running for PM and deserves to have his ideas and policies appraised. It is incumbent on journalists and media outlets to appraise his plans… … Continue reading “We Went To Analyse Johnson’s Policies But We Realised He Didn’t Have Any So We Took The Day Off, Got Ice Cream & Everything”

10 Ways You Didn’t Know Brexit Would Affect Ireland

THE NEGATIVES of Brexit for Ireland have been widely discussed on TV, online and in print, but Britain leaving the EU is such a seismic event for Ireland and its economy that you may not be fully aware of some lesser known knock on effects WWN has compiled 10 ways you didn’t know Brexit would… … Continue reading “10 Ways You Didn’t Know Brexit Would Affect Ireland”

Drinking In Wetherspoons: A Guide

IF IT’S one thing the Irish love, it’s drink. If it’s two things, it’s cheap drink. Throw in cheap food, and you’ve a business model that’s just crazy enough to succeed in the demanding Irish drinking market! With more and more Wetherspoons outlets starting to pop up around Ireland, it may seem like traditional Irish… … Continue reading “Drinking In Wetherspoons: A Guide”

FaceApp Definitely Not Scanning Your Face & Selling Data Onto Third Parties

AN APP which uses peoples’ photos to artificially age them has proven to be the continued source of great enjoyment for users as well as a source of data harvesting, potential identify theft and general misuse for the application’s operators. Like most apps FaceApp has extensive terms and conditions no one reads and could therefore… … Continue reading “FaceApp Definitely Not Scanning Your Face & Selling Data Onto Third Parties”

How Exclusion Zones Around Hospitals Would Work

WITH PERSISTENT talk of proposed exclusion zones being implemented in an effort to reduce the abuse endured by women attending hospitals that provide abortion services, WWN looks at how such zones would work. While there are a number of proposals being considered, the department of health has whittled down the number of options available to… … Continue reading “How Exclusion Zones Around Hospitals Would Work”

Moon To Pull Handbrake Turn Tonight

ASTRONOMY Ireland has confirmed it is setting up dozens of telecopes at its headquarters in Blanchardstown to watch the moon make its first handbrake turn over Irish skies tonight, WWN can confirm. Tonight’s 180 is expected to wow stargazers at about 10.30pm and will last 34 minutes as Earth’s only satellite skids across the Summer evening sky. “Expect… … Continue reading “Moon To Pull Handbrake Turn Tonight”

Putin Takes Rare Day Off From Destabilising The West

RECLINING in a hot tub and wearing shades, Russian leader Vladimir Putin took a well earned break from further sowing the seeds of discontent and divisiveness throughout Western democracies and finally administered some ‘self care’ by taking a well earned day off. “This…is the life,” Putin said to himself, basking in afterglow of his latest… … Continue reading “Putin Takes Rare Day Off From Destabilising The West”

Local Man Has No Regrets About Buying €400 Dyson Fan

WHEN quizzed about the four hundred euro he spent on a Dyson Hot and Cool fan heater last summer, local man Eric Cinnerton has stated that it was ‘money well spent’, adding that he doesn’t regret the seemingly extravagant purchase of an item which does a job a much cheaper product could easily replicate. Although… … Continue reading “Local Man Has No Regrets About Buying €400 Dyson Fan”

Get A Load Of This Cunt

IN A series of tweets which will invigorate his supporters who respond positively to his universal message of hating people who aren’t white, notorious thunder-cunt Donald Trump has again dragged American politics and its discourse to depths where only oddly translucent blob fish in the Mariana Trench have dared to plunge before. “Get a load… … Continue reading “Get A Load Of This Cunt”

WWN Guide To Being Silenced By The Media

TIRED of nobody listening to your righteous fury on your podcast, newsletter, YouTube channel or soapbox? Need to bump up your audience figures so that you can really get your message out there and make some money from it? Then you need to get silenced by the media, and quick! Here’s a few pointers: 1)… … Continue reading “WWN Guide To Being Silenced By The Media”

Much Easier Laughing At Other Countries Than Facing Up To Own Problems, Admits Nation

THE NATION has sheepishly admitted to itself that it is much easier to just laugh at the Brits and the Yanks making utter fools of themselves rather than looking oneself in the mirror and confronting our own shortcomings head on. The confession could have been motivated by Irish people confronting any number of recent news… … Continue reading “Much Easier Laughing At Other Countries Than Facing Up To Own Problems, Admits Nation”

WWN’s Recap Of This Weekend’s Sport

WWN Sport is here to bring unparalleled insight, opinion and coverage of all the big sporting events from the past 48 hours. A thrilling and action packed weekend is recapped below: Ireland have won the cricket World Cup*. Yeeeow, gwan the boys in green!!! After an epic 5-sets, Novak Djokovic emerged the victor against Roger… … Continue reading “WWN’s Recap Of This Weekend’s Sport”

Pregnant Woman Hopes It’s A Boy Because ‘They Have It Easier’

A LOCAL Dublin woman has surprised herself with the number of times she has sincerely stated she hopes the child currently growing inside her is a boy “because, let’s be honest, women have an awful fucking time of it”. Rachel O’Hara (29) wearily shared the throwaway observation with her friends who nodded and acknowledged O’Hara’s… … Continue reading “Pregnant Woman Hopes It’s A Boy Because ‘They Have It Easier’”

Tennis Match Interrupts Filming Of Kate Middleton

THE BBC has come under sustained criticism for frequently cutting from their live coverage of Kate Middleton simply existing to instead showing a meritless game of tennis between two random men. Viewers were left frustrated after the two men insisted on hitting a few balls around a tennis court for 4 hours and 57 minutes,… … Continue reading “Tennis Match Interrupts Filming Of Kate Middleton”

China Even Surprised At The Shit It’s Getting Away With

THE CHINESE government has expressed genuine surprise at the ease with which it pretty much does whatever it pleases, to whomever with absolutely no repercussions or significant political outcry. “Oh, cool, we guess you’re okay with Muslims in concentration camps as long as we keep the cheap electronics coming your way. We hear you loud… … Continue reading “China Even Surprised At The Shit It’s Getting Away With”

Government To Lure More Multinationals With ‘Rules Don’t Apply To You Here’ Strategy

MINDFUL of the impending hit the economy will take in the event of a Hard Brexit and in the certainty that they haven’t planned well for this at all, the Irish government is set double down on its seductive ‘the rule don’t apply to you here’ strategy with big multinational companies. With Fine Gael trumpeting… … Continue reading “Government To Lure More Multinationals With ‘Rules Don’t Apply To You Here’ Strategy”

Local Man Doesn’t Need To Read Planning Permission To Know He Objects To It

IT’S a condition that effects 7 in 10 Irish people living in urban areas and a stunning 11 out of 10 adults living in rural Ireland; today, we’ll be taking a look at Plannophobia, the incurable and irrational need to object to planning permission notices without provocation or cause. “I first started objecting to PP… … Continue reading “Local Man Doesn’t Need To Read Planning Permission To Know He Objects To It”

Here’s The Trivial Shit The Media Wants You To Be Outraged About Today

EVERYDAY the media tries it best to keep you up to date on the truly important news occurring around the world. Elsewhere, the media also works incredibly hard to distract you into becoming bogged down in utterly trivial shit, hooking you with ‘news items’ that have been crafted to either play on your emotions or… … Continue reading “Here’s The Trivial Shit The Media Wants You To Be Outraged About Today”

Local Mother Not Shy In Reminding You She Was Married With Kids At Your Age

ONE LOCAL mother has wasted no time in breaking out her favourite and most easily recalled observation when politely reminding you that at your current age, she was married with kids, WWN can report. What prompted the observation’s 4,208th outing in recent years is unclear, however, your mother followed it up with “I’m only saying,… … Continue reading “Local Mother Not Shy In Reminding You She Was Married With Kids At Your Age”

Tesco Snack Assortment Amusement Park Opens In County Laois

FOLLOWING on from the success of Ireland’s Tayto Park in County Meath, supermarket retail giant Tesco has today opened a 2,000 acre amusement park based on their ever popular snack assortment pack. Bringing you all the thrills and spills associated with a low budget variety of savoury snack choices, the latest crisp themed entertainment village features all of the most popular… … Continue reading “Tesco Snack Assortment Amusement Park Opens In County Laois”

Unionist Just One More Pallet Away From Defeating Catholics

A LOCAL ardent Unionist is revealed to have built such an impressive bonfire that he is just one more pallet away from defeating the scourge that is Catholicism in Northern Ireland and being awarded a Blue Peter badge by the Queen herself. WWN caught up with an excitable Malcolm Crozier (24) as he put the… … Continue reading “Unionist Just One More Pallet Away From Defeating Catholics”

DUP Awarded For Services To A United Ireland

THE DEMOCRATIC Unionist Party has been recognised for its singular and lasting contribution to securing a United Ireland at an emotional ceremony in Derry earlier today, WWN can reveal. On a stage filled with prominent Republican dignitaries such as lads in Celtic jerseys, DUP leader Arlene Foster accepted the award on behalf of her party… … Continue reading “DUP Awarded For Services To A United Ireland”

Court Rules Trump Can’t Block Critics On Twitter So Here’s 38 Insults To Send To Him

A US federal court of appeal has ruled that US Donald Trump cannot block his vocal critics on Twitter as it would impeded their First Amendment right to free speech on matters of public concern. The thin-oranged-skinned Republican will now have to unblock 7 of his critics who were part of the successful legal challenge… … Continue reading “Court Rules Trump Can’t Block Critics On Twitter So Here’s 38 Insults To Send To Him”

Court Rules Trump Can’t Block Critics On Twitter So Here’s 38 Insults To Send Him

A US federal court of appeal has ruled that US Donald Trump cannot block his vocal critics on Twitter as it would impeded their First Amendment right to free speech on matters of public concern. The thin-oranged-skinned Republican will now have to unblock 7 of his critics who were part of the successful legal challenge… … Continue reading “Court Rules Trump Can’t Block Critics On Twitter So Here’s 38 Insults To Send Him”

Behind The Scenes Of New Horror Movie ‘Dublin’

WWN recently visited the Dublin location for horror powerhouse A24’s new production, currently filming under the working title ‘Dublin’ with a cast made up largely of unknowns. Although the makers of horror hits such as ‘Hereditary’ and ‘Midsommar’ were tight-lipped about the exact details of ‘Dublin’, we were able to ascertain that the bulk of… … Continue reading “Behind The Scenes Of New Horror Movie ‘Dublin’”

Fishermen Almost As Ungrateful As Farmers, Report Finds

ALTHOUGH the country has long been familiar with what an ungrateful and discontented bunch of moaning bastards farmers are, there has been mild shock at the release of a report confirming that fishermen ‘aren’t much better’. Fishermen, rapidly gaining a name for themselves as ‘the farmers of the sea’ have been in the news in recent… … Continue reading “Fishermen Almost As Ungrateful As Farmers, Report Finds”

Protesters With Baby Coffins Planning ‘Fuck All’ For Tuam Grave Site

AN ANTI-ABORTION group who held a demonstration outside the National Maternity Hospital have confirmed they are planning ‘fuck all’ protests for Mother and Baby homes sites across the country. The Our Lady of Lourdes Protectors group, who staged a demonstration with three white child-size coffins, defended their decision to protest while pregnant women of all ages and medical… … Continue reading “Protesters With Baby Coffins Planning ‘Fuck All’ For Tuam Grave Site”

DUP Under Threat Of Being Aborted By Gay Marriage

DESPITE a House of Commons vote putting the legalisation of same-sex marriage and abortion in Northern Ireland a near certainty if power-sharing isn’t restored by October 21st, the DUP are taking the news surprisingly well. “This is all that gay cake’s fault,” fumed Arlene Foster, leader of a party that set Northern Ireland on this… … Continue reading “DUP Under Threat Of Being Aborted By Gay Marriage”

Britain Rocks Itself To Sleep Muttering ‘It’s Just A Dream, It’s Just A Dream’

FURTHER exposure to Boris Johnson has left the British public rocking itself to sleep, its chattering jaw working overtime repeating the phrase ‘it’s just a dream, it’s just a dream’. Curled up in the foetal position and wincing at recalling anything that emanated from Johnson’s mouth during his TV debate with Jeremy Hunt, a large… … Continue reading “Britain Rocks Itself To Sleep Muttering ‘It’s Just A Dream, It’s Just A Dream’”

Larry Murphy At Home Watching Old Larry Murphy Documentaries

REMINISCING on a time when people were actually worried about his whereabouts and current activities, convicted kidnapper, rapist and attempted murderer Larry Murphy sat back in his favourite chair, sparked up a cigarette, and pressed play on an old TV3 documentary detailing his crimes. Pausing on old footage of himself entering an Amsterdam apartment in 2012, Murphy… … Continue reading “Larry Murphy At Home Watching Old Larry Murphy Documentaries”

Bloodied Phil Hogan Reappointed To EU After Sacrificing Irish Calf In Parliament

GREETED with a huge round of applause from his EU Commission peers, a bloodied Phil Hogan brandished a large kitchen knife in the air after slaughtering an Irish born calf on the parliament floor, in a move to symbolise cutting ties with Irish farmers and his reappointment as EU Commissioner for another five years. “Irish beef is dead, viva la South… … Continue reading “Bloodied Phil Hogan Reappointed To EU After Sacrificing Irish Calf In Parliament”

Loyalists Make Switch To Carbon Free Bonfires

LOYALISTS in Northern Ireland have pledged to make this year’s Orange Order celebrations a little more green, with the introduction of carbon-saving measures over the entire 12th of July festivities. “Each bonfire we burn every year contains about 10,000 pallets, contributing tonnes of CO2 to the atmosphere,” explained lodge leader Sammy Sammison, spearheading this year’s… … Continue reading “Loyalists Make Switch To Carbon Free Bonfires”

Everyone’s Insurance Increases By €200 After Man Sneezes

DISMISSIVELY SHRUGGING their shoulders, the Irish insurance industry pointed to a picture of a man from rural Clare sneezing as justification for collectively hiking the price of insurance. Car insurance, home contents, health insurance, liability insurance, insurance insurance, no matter the coverage or policy we’re all set to pay more in a completely unavoidable price… … Continue reading “Everyone’s Insurance Increases By €200 After Man Sneezes”

Smug Conspiracy Theorist Knew About Jeffrey Epstein For Years

“Ha – I fucking told you all ten years ago,” Jerry Lawrance gloated in an early morning group text to all 345 contacts in his phone book, followed by a link to the arrest of Jeffrey Epstein yesterday, “Clinton, Trump, Prince Andrew; they’re all in on it, man, this goes all the way to the top of the pyramid… … Continue reading “Smug Conspiracy Theorist Knew About Jeffrey Epstein For Years”

Lazy Bastard Insists Back Garden Is “Biodiversity Friendly”

WATERFORD man and renowned layabout Declan Haskey has doubled down on his claim that his overgrown, weed-filled back garden is actually the perfect habitat for hundreds of thousands of insects, and as such is a wonderful help to the decimated pollinator population in the area. Haskey, 34, hasn’t bothered tending to the 40 feet by 20 feet… … Continue reading “Lazy Bastard Insists Back Garden Is “Biodiversity Friendly””

Leaked: Details From Fine Gael’s ‘Swing-gate’ Report

AFTER the embarrassing PR disaster that was Fine Gael TD Maria Bailey’s ‘Swing gate’ saga, Fine Gael endeavoured to launch an internal report into the exact nature of the TD’s claims and how the party itself has managed such issues. Wanting to be seen to be taking action, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar paraded the report’s launch… … Continue reading “Leaked: Details From Fine Gael’s ‘Swing-gate’ Report”

GP Prescribing Benzos Like He’s On Commission

“Oh, you’re feeling a little bit down after your gerbil died; here’s a prescription for some benzos that should keep you in a nice, vegetative state for the next few years,” Dr. Kevin Hoggan told his 5th such patient this week as we entered his surgery. Speaking to WWN, the general practitioner admitted to not knowing off hand… … Continue reading “GP Prescribing Benzos Like He’s On Commission”

Media Make Vague Promises To Keep In Touch With Women’s Football

“YEAH, I had so much fun too. Let’s keep in touch. You’re number? No, I’ve totally got it already somehwere. Mine? It’s like 017-something, there’s like a 5 or 2 in there as well. Oh shit, is that the time? I gotta go!” Waving a fond farewell at a Paris airport, the sports media made… … Continue reading “Media Make Vague Promises To Keep In Touch With Women’s Football”

Stranger Things Recap: Season 3 Episode 1

NETFLIX’S 80s-set hit show is back with a bang in its third season and WWN is here with a recap the first episode. Everything fans love about Stranger Things is still in place; including Eleven’s nose bleeds, a manic Winona Ryder, David Harbour’s sexy sheriff Dad Bod, the good-natured hijinks from the gang of teenagers… … Continue reading “Stranger Things Recap: Season 3 Episode 1”

Irish Border Issue Steadfastly Refuses To Fuck Off

BREXITEERS have angrily expressed their frustration with the Northern Irish border, which has yet to ‘do the right thing’ and ‘fuck away off’, WWN can confirm. Heading into early July, historically a calm and reasonable time period in Northern Ireland, the issue with the border remains the foremost sticking point in the UK’s plans to be… … Continue reading “Irish Border Issue Steadfastly Refuses To Fuck Off”

Worrying Trend Of Electing Women To Positions Of Power Continues

GROUPS of well-meaning men have gathered in comment sections throughout Europe to question the wisdom in nominating and electing yet more women to positions of genuine power as the worrying trend shows no signs of abating. “Hey, I’m all for electing them to symbolic roles with no power but these ones are serious jobs, and… … Continue reading “Worrying Trend Of Electing Women To Positions Of Power Continues”

Wimax Lad To Sort Out Broadband Plan With Catchy Jingle

THE government have moved to ease fears surrounding the escalating costs and controversies surrounding the National Broadband Plan, by hiring the bald dude off the old WiMAX ads to write a catchy jingle explaining everything. The move comes as a crushing blow to WiMAX themselves, who had intended to use iconic singer JJ Thompson as… … Continue reading “Wimax Lad To Sort Out Broadband Plan With Catchy Jingle”

Court Hears How Grandchild Was Forced To Keep Quiet About €5

TIME is running out in the case of an 8-year-old Waterford child who was found in possession of a €5 note, with the prosecution team still unable to prove a credible link between the child, the money, and the child’s grandmother. Now entering its third week, solicitors acting for little Harriet McKenner’s parents Marie and Derek have attempted… … Continue reading “Court Hears How Grandchild Was Forced To Keep Quiet About €5”

People ‘Working From Home’ Doing Fuck All Work, Report Reveals

A REPORT has sent shockwaves through the business community after it revealed that the average employee granted permission to work from home does anywhere between ‘absolutely fuck all’ and ‘not a tap’ during the traditional working day hours of 9am to 5pm. Covert study of workers who work from home occasionally or everyday has produced… … Continue reading “People ‘Working From Home’ Doing Fuck All Work, Report Reveals”

Rest Of World Removes 4th Of July From Calendars

IN A BID to save themselves the indignity of being exposed to over the top, odious and misguided displays of pseudo patriotism, the rest of world has come together to remove the 4th of July from their calendars. While in America the current White House administration will oversee a gaudy and lurid celebration of their… … Continue reading “Rest Of World Removes 4th Of July From Calendars”

New Rent Only Apartment Complex Named ‘Worthless Peasants’

TAKING a leaf out of the book of a luxurious Dublin ‘co-living’ development in Dun Laoghaire named ‘The Orphanage’ so-called because it sits on the site of a former orphanage, another new development has decided to wear its disdain for and disconnect from the people who live in the buildings they build by calling their… … Continue reading “New Rent Only Apartment Complex Named ‘Worthless Peasants’”