Unvaccinated Can’t Believe Unvaccinated Are Being Blamed For Unvaccinated Making Up Majority Of Hospital Cases

THE 300,000 people in the country who remain unvaccinated are struggling to understand how anyone could come to the conclusion that they should shoulder any of the blame for unvaccinated people making up the majority of ICU cases, WWN has learned. Fully agreeing that having a HSE seemingly made entirely out of wet tissue and… … Continue reading “Unvaccinated Can’t Believe Unvaccinated Are Being Blamed For Unvaccinated Making Up Majority Of Hospital Cases”

Shatner Sent To Work In Amazon Factory Until He Pays Back Cost Of Space Flight

AFTER the overwhelming and euphoric adrenaline rush slowly receded from his body, Captain Kirk aka William Shatner aka The Oldest Man In Space was brought crashing back down to earth by the small print in the contract he signed with Blue Origin billionaire Jeff Bezos. “What are you, 90 years old? You going for a… … Continue reading “Shatner Sent To Work In Amazon Factory Until He Pays Back Cost Of Space Flight”

EU Ask Brits For One Day, Just One Day Without This Bullshit

DOZENS of EU diplomats have taken up smoking and many more are said to have lapsed into alcoholism, as the British Brexit negotiators continues to hammer thorn after thorn into their side with no end in sight. “I never smoked in my life but I’m up to two packs a day now” puffed one German… … Continue reading “EU Ask Brits For One Day, Just One Day Without This Bullshit”

Now That Superman Is Bisexual: A Full Run Down Of How His Superpowers Come In Handy In The Bedroom

WHILE some people are struggling to absorb the news that in a new run of DC Comics, Superman Jon Kent, the son of Clark Kent is to come out as bisexual, others are just wondering what this means for Superman administered orgasms. For some it is a stretch too far for their imagination to accept… … Continue reading “Now That Superman Is Bisexual: A Full Run Down Of How His Superpowers Come In Handy In The Bedroom”

Owen Keegan’s Guide To Dublin City

OFTEN making the news for ill-judged comments an envious Leo Varadkar wish he said privately in the Fine Gael WhatsApp, Owen Keegan is to Dubliners what his lookalike and ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ villain Judge Doom, was to the residents of Toontown. Taking Keegan’s recent sarcastic comments to the UCD Students Union that students should… … Continue reading “Owen Keegan’s Guide To Dublin City”

“Unfortunately Our 1st World Vaccine Programme Is No Match For Our 4th World Health Service”

LAMENTING the fact Ireland possessing the world’s only 4th World health service is jeopardising an end to restrictions on the 22nd of October, the Taoiseach urged the 90% of the population that is vaccinated to blame those not vaccinated for decades of ineptitude and shameless neglect of the health service by politicians. “There is a… … Continue reading ““Unfortunately Our 1st World Vaccine Programme Is No Match For Our 4th World Health Service””

Jeff Bezos Still A Wanker, Agrees World

ALTHOUGH the world has admitted that the footage of 90-year-old Star Trek actor William Shatner floating in zero-gravity on board the Blue Origin space flight yesterday was touching, Amazon boss Jeff Bezos ‘needn’t think’ that he’s off the hook for a raft of arsehole behaviour over the last number of years. Thousands tuned in to… … Continue reading “Jeff Bezos Still A Wanker, Agrees World”

EU Starting To See IRA’s Point

WHILE nobody in the EU has come forward and condoned the Irish Republican Army’s campaign of bloody terror in Northern Ireland, leaks have suggested that many are starting to ‘see where they were coming from’, WWN can report. The memos come as the EU enters yet another crunch round of negotiations in the bitter Brexit… … Continue reading “EU Starting To See IRA’s Point”

International Community Asked To Intervene As Mullets Become More Acceptable

APPEALS have been made to political figures, leading NGOs and intergovernmental groups after it emerged more and more young people are blissfully rejecting societal pressure not to grow hideous mullets. “What’s more is that some are visibly proud of the rancid heap of shite they call a hairdo,” confirmed the newly incorporated Concerned Citizens Against… … Continue reading “International Community Asked To Intervene As Mullets Become More Acceptable”

Africa’s Covid Cases Increase By 10,000% Seconds After Matt Hancock Appointed To UN Role

THE UK’s former health secretary, fired not for presiding over a response to Covid-19 so disastrous it would make a Death Eater envious but for carrying out an affair on the job, has secured a top UN position charged with helping Africa’s economic recovery from the global pandemic. “Oh flip it, I’ve done it again,”… … Continue reading “Africa’s Covid Cases Increase By 10,000% Seconds After Matt Hancock Appointed To UN Role”

Sally Rooney: Why Do So Many People Dislike This Young & Successful Woman?

IRISH novelist Sally Rooney has hit the headlines for refusing to allow an Israeli company with ties to the IDF handle the translation of her newest book Beautiful World, Where Are You for the Hebrew-speaking market. But while some are now jumping on the anti-Rooney bandwagon due to spurious accusations of antisemitism, many Irish people… … Continue reading “Sally Rooney: Why Do So Many People Dislike This Young & Successful Woman?”

Orgies On The Bus With Half Price Fares: What Free Contraception & Transport Fare Reductions Means For Young People

IF you were a fan of the government blatantly trying to woo young voters away from left wing opposition parties then boy was this the budget for you! Free contraception for 17-25 year old women, a 50% reduction in transport fares, a 50 cent hike in minimum wage, changes to the USC, Paschal, Micheál, Leo… … Continue reading “Orgies On The Bus With Half Price Fares: What Free Contraception & Transport Fare Reductions Means For Young People”

On A HSE Waiting List For Surgery? Here’s Some Home Surgery Hacks

WAITING LISTS remain a huge issue in the health service and those awaiting surgery of the minor/major variety face serious delays amid a critical lack of access to healthcare. Marketing and PR companies hired by the government with funds that probably could have been better spent going towards reducing waiting lists have been given the… … Continue reading “On A HSE Waiting List For Surgery? Here’s Some Home Surgery Hacks”

ISS Pelted By Rocks During Dublin Fly By

CREW members of the International Space Station have been advised to ‘keep the windows up and not hang around’ when flying over Dublin, following a spate of upper-atmospheric anti social behaviour, WWN can report. Damage to the side of the orbiting craft has been put down to rocks, used batteries and eggs that have been… … Continue reading “ISS Pelted By Rocks During Dublin Fly By”

Human Carbon Tax Metres Will Check Individual Arse Emissions

CARBON emission metres installed in a person’s backside are set to get the go ahead next year to help monitor human’s individual output and tax them according to how much methane they produce, WWN has learned. The flatulence metres are expected to cost each Irish citizen €300 with a bi-monthly bill ranging anywhere from 100… … Continue reading “Human Carbon Tax Metres Will Check Individual Arse Emissions”

Live: Budget 2022 Updates

IT’S here; the most exciting day of the year. Like Easter, Christmas, magic mushroom season and the Late Late Toy Show all rolled into one, WWN will be updating the budget as it happens below. Just refresh for new updates: – Donohoe begins Budget 2022 by quoting Lil Wayne’s ‘Money on My Mind’: “Money money… … Continue reading “Live: Budget 2022 Updates”

UK Government Continue To Complain About Taste Of Shit Sandwich They Said Would Be Best Sandwich In The World

BREXIT MINISTER David Frost has insisted the EU change all the ingredients to the shit sandwich prepared, toasted and partially eaten by the UK government, despite the fact the UK had previously said they believed a sandwich made from faeces would be the greatest sandwich ever constructed by a human. “Even if we wanted to… … Continue reading “UK Government Continue To Complain About Taste Of Shit Sandwich They Said Would Be Best Sandwich In The World”

UK Government Continue To Complain About Taste Of Shit Sandwich They Said Would Be Best Sandwich In The World

BREXIT MINISTER David Frost has insisted the EU change all the ingredients to the shit sandwich prepared, toasted and partially eaten by the UK government, despite the fact the UK had previously said they believed a sandwich made from faeces would be the greatest sandwich ever constructed by a human. “Even if we wanted to… … Continue reading “UK Government Continue To Complain About Taste Of Shit Sandwich They Said Would Be Best Sandwich In The World”

87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating

THE LONG DRAWN out nature with which SUSI grant payments are delivered can cause endless worry and financial pressure for students but the much maligned process has at least one success story following a payment delivered to a student just 67 years after they graduated, WWN can report. “Aw it’s just a big weight off,… … Continue reading “87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating”

87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating

THE LONG DRAWN out nature with which SUSI grant payments are delivered can cause endless worry and financial pressure for students but the much maligned process has at least one success story following a payment delivered to a student just 67 years after they graduated, WWN can report. “Aw it’s just a big weight off,… … Continue reading “87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating”

87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating

THE LONG DRAWN out nature with which SUSI grant payments are delivered can cause endless worry and financial pressure for students but the much maligned process has at least one success story following a payment delivered to a student just 67 years after they graduated, WWN can report. “Aw it’s just a big weight off,… … Continue reading “87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating”

87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating

THE LONG DRAWN out nature with which SUSI grant payments are delivered can cause endless worry and financial pressure for students but the much maligned process has at least one success story following a payment delivered to a student just 67 years after they graduated, WWN can report. “Aw it’s just a big weight off,… … Continue reading “87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating”

87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating

THE LONG DRAWN out nature with which SUSI grant payments are delivered can cause endless worry and financial pressure for students but the much maligned process has at least one success story following a payment delivered to a student just 67 years after they graduated, WWN can report. “Aw it’s just a big weight off,… … Continue reading “87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating”

87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating

THE LONG DRAWN out nature with which SUSI grant payments are delivered can cause endless worry and financial pressure for students but the much maligned process has at least one success story following a payment delivered to a student just 67 years after they graduated, WWN can report. “Aw it’s just a big weight off,… … Continue reading “87-Year-Old Student Finally Paid SUSI Grant 62 Years After Graduating”

Dog That Regularly Eats Poo Refuses Dearest Grain-Free Food On Market

A WATERFORD couple has released details of the dietary intake of their new puppy, noting that the little dog is eating less than he should of the specially-recommended Royal Doggi grain-free Alaskan Salmon flavoured puppy food, but is easily meeting his recommended daily allowance of cigarette butts and grass. In fact Tyson, now nearly 6… … Continue reading “Dog That Regularly Eats Poo Refuses Dearest Grain-Free Food On Market”

Dog That Regularly Eats Poo Refuses Dearest Grain-Free Food On Market

A WATERFORD couple has released details of the dietary intake of their new puppy, noting that the little dog is eating less than he should of the specially-recommended Royal Doggi grain-free Alaskan Salmon flavoured puppy food, but is easily meeting his recommended daily allowance of cigarette butts and grass. In fact Tyson, now nearly 6… … Continue reading “Dog That Regularly Eats Poo Refuses Dearest Grain-Free Food On Market”

Dog That Regularly Eats Poo Refuses Dearest Grain-Free Food On Market

A WATERFORD couple has released details of the dietary intake of their new puppy, noting that the little dog is eating less than he should of the specially-recommended Royal Doggi grain-free Alaskan Salmon flavoured puppy food, but is easily meeting his recommended daily allowance of cigarette butts and grass. In fact Tyson, now nearly 6… … Continue reading “Dog That Regularly Eats Poo Refuses Dearest Grain-Free Food On Market”

Dog That Regularly Eats Poo Refuses Dearest Grain-Free Food On Market

A WATERFORD couple has released details of the dietary intake of their new puppy, noting that the little dog is eating less than he should of the specially-recommended Royal Doggi grain-free Alaskan Salmon flavoured puppy food, but is easily meeting his recommended daily allowance of cigarette butts and grass. In fact Tyson, now nearly 6… … Continue reading “Dog That Regularly Eats Poo Refuses Dearest Grain-Free Food On Market”

Saudi Owners Give Steve Bruce 6 Games To Save His Head

DESPITE ongoing rumours, Steve Bruce has been given assurances by Newcastle’s new owners that he will be given six games to save his head, as they confirmed this isn’t just something they say to people they’re going to execute to make sure they don’t run away. “Mohammed bin Salmon, who is not affiliated with the… … Continue reading “Saudi Owners Give Steve Bruce 6 Games To Save His Head”

Saudi Owners Give Steve Bruce 6 Games To Save His Head

DESPITE ongoing rumours, Steve Bruce has been given assurances by Newcastle’s new owners that he will be given six games to save his head, as they confirmed this isn’t just something they say to people they’re going to execute to make sure they don’t run away. “Mohammed bin Salmon, who is not affiliated with the… … Continue reading “Saudi Owners Give Steve Bruce 6 Games To Save His Head”

Saudi Owners Give Steve Bruce 6 Games To Save His Head

DESPITE ongoing rumours, Steve Bruce has been given assurances by Newcastle’s new owners that he will be given six games to save his head, as they confirmed this isn’t just something they say to people they’re going to execute to make sure they don’t run away. “Mohammed bin Salmon, who is not affiliated with the… … Continue reading “Saudi Owners Give Steve Bruce 6 Games To Save His Head”

Investigating Ireland’s Fear & Mistrust Of Northern Reg Cars

THE REPUBLIC of Ireland is known as being the land of a ‘thousand welcomes’, but it seems that this jovial and inviting approach to strangers stops when it comes to anyone driving a car with a Northern Ireland licence plate, a new report has shown. The report shows that while Irish people will turn a… … Continue reading “Investigating Ireland’s Fear & Mistrust Of Northern Reg Cars”

Investigating Ireland’s Fear & Mistrust Of Northern Reg Cars

THE REPUBLIC of Ireland is known as being the land of a ‘thousand welcomes’, but it seems that this jovial and inviting approach to strangers stops when it comes to anyone driving a car with a Northern Ireland licence plate, a new report has shown. The report shows that while Irish people will turn a… … Continue reading “Investigating Ireland’s Fear & Mistrust Of Northern Reg Cars”

Royal Mint Unveils Commemorative Prince Andrew Evading Sexual Abuse Charges Coin

TO commemorate the UK Metropolitan Police ending its investigation into the alleged sexual assault of Virginia Giuffre by British Royal Prince Andrew, the Royal Mint of England has announced a new range of collectable coins to celebrate the fact, WWN reports. The £3 coin features the original image of Prince Andrew beside his accuser with… … Continue reading “Royal Mint Unveils Commemorative Prince Andrew Evading Sexual Abuse Charges Coin”

Full State Funeral To Be Given To Ireland’s 12.5% Corporation Tax Rate

THE slow, painful and undignified death of Ireland’s 12.5% corporation tax rate has occurred with the Taoiseach Micheál Martin confirming it will be given a full State funeral. The coffin carrying the deceased tax rate will be carried in a modified seafaring hearse, starting it’s journey in Silicon docks, briefly detouring via Apple in Cork… … Continue reading “Full State Funeral To Be Given To Ireland’s 12.5% Corporation Tax Rate”

“I Fucking Told You All!” States Jamie Spears As Britney Opens Portal To Evil Dimension

THERE was complete radio silence from the hashtag Free Britney crowd this week as the newly-emancipated singer completed the incantation to open the rift between our world and that of the Shapeless Ones, doubtlessly dooming us all. As the entire west coast of America slowly began to be consumed by the inky death issuing forward… … Continue reading ““I Fucking Told You All!” States Jamie Spears As Britney Opens Portal To Evil Dimension”

Hey Everyone This Guy Isn’t Vaccinated, Get Him!

SOURCES in Waterford City have pinpointed the whereabouts of one Michael Rotchford living at 189 Saint Oteri’s Place who has openly admitted to not taking the vaccine, despite apparently showing no signs of being some kind of anti-vaxx conspiracy theory nutjob, WWN has learned. Rotchford, who says he’s going down the ‘organic anti-body approach’ as… … Continue reading “Hey Everyone This Guy Isn’t Vaccinated, Get Him!”

Jack & Jill Scoop €275k Each Following Hill Negligence Decision

A BROTHER and sister have claimed a combined €550,000 compensation payment after a judge ruled that the hill they climbed to retrieve water from was faulty, resulting in their catastrophic tumble. The children, whose surnames have been withheld from the press due to their age, are said to be happy with their settlement, which will… … Continue reading “Jack & Jill Scoop €275k Each Following Hill Negligence Decision”

Awesome! Place Man Got Mugged, Beaten Up, Beaten Up Again Named Among Coolest Neighbourhoods In The World

LOCAL Dublin 8 man David Kellans was in a celebratory mood this morning after learning his locality landed the no.15 spot on TimeOut magazine’s annual Coolest Neighbourhoods In The World list. “This is great honestly, the more lists Dublin 8 ends up on the more tourists will come and they’re easier targets then myself for… … Continue reading “Awesome! Place Man Got Mugged, Beaten Up, Beaten Up Again Named Among Coolest Neighbourhoods In The World”

Green Party Changes Name To Yellow Party

MINISTER for Transport Eamon Ryan has confirmed that his party is to change its name to the Yellow Party after supporters and party members deemed ‘green’ would be a wholeheartedly inaccurate description of their evolving political ideals. Speaking from his mouth earlier, the now Yellow Party leader admitted forming a coalition government with Fianna Fáil… … Continue reading “Green Party Changes Name To Yellow Party”

Food Banks Ideal To Help Students Save Money To Give To Landlords

THE government has urged college campuses around the country to organise charity-driven food banks on a weekly basis, to ensure that cash-strapped students never have to miss a rent payment. The statement comes after University College Cork announced that their food bank had been ‘cleaned out’ in less than an hour with many students left… … Continue reading “Food Banks Ideal To Help Students Save Money To Give To Landlords”

Johnson Delivers Tory Conference Speech With Universal Credit Recipient Suspended From Ceiling In Cage

DESPITE failing to mention Northern Ireland at all during his 45 minute speech at the Tory Party conference, British PM Boris Johnson delighted his party faithful with a vacuous oration that was aided by the presence of a Universal Credit recipient suspended from the ceiling in a cage. “What an odious little creature,” Johnson said… … Continue reading “Johnson Delivers Tory Conference Speech With Universal Credit Recipient Suspended From Ceiling In Cage”

Hospital ICU Currently Being Run By Donkey Walking Around Circle Chasing Carrot

STAFF shortages in the nation’s ICU units may have been solved by an innovative contraption currently under trial in St. Vincent’s University Hospital in Dublin, where a tethered farm animal following a carrot on a stick is ‘pretty much running the show’. Conditions at St. Vincent’s have reached such a critical stage that staff were… … Continue reading “Hospital ICU Currently Being Run By Donkey Walking Around Circle Chasing Carrot”

Sinn Féin Build Shrine To Housing Crisis After Reaching 10-Point Lead In Opinion Poll

SINN FÉIN have finished construction of a massive shrine to the housing crisis after the party carved out a 10-point lead in the latest opinion poll. The construction represents the only building the party’s local councillors haven’t voted against in recent years, and is seen as a tribute to just one of 151 ongoing crises… … Continue reading “Sinn Féin Build Shrine To Housing Crisis After Reaching 10-Point Lead In Opinion Poll”

FAI Exploring Possibility Entire Squad Had Covid Twice During Luxembourg Match

ON FOOT of the revelation that Irish international Callum Robinson has once again failed to get a shot on target despite testing positive for Covid-19 on two separate occasions, the FAI investigative unit is to look into the possibility the Irish team that took to the field and lost 1-0 to Luxembourg in March were… … Continue reading “FAI Exploring Possibility Entire Squad Had Covid Twice During Luxembourg Match”

Unlimited Snack Boxes, All Ireland Final Tickets, Coppers Gold Cards; Inside Gardaí On The Take

WITH THE National Bureau of Criminal Investigation (NBCI) raiding the homes of three serving members of the gardaí over connections to criminal gangs, WWN goes deep undercover and chats with several members of the force who are ‘on the take’. “People might think an unlimited supply of snack boxes might be a strange request, but… … Continue reading “Unlimited Snack Boxes, All Ireland Final Tickets, Coppers Gold Cards; Inside Gardaí On The Take”

Irish Power Stations Advised To Take Batteries Out, Roll Around In Hand To Get Another Few Weeks Out Of Them

ROLLING blackouts may be prevented this winter if Ireland’s power stations stick to some tried-and-trusted methods of wringing as much juice out of their batteries as they can, WWN can report. The news came from an energy think-tank in Leinster House, who stated that a ‘remote control’ approach to the nation’s power problems could help… … Continue reading “Irish Power Stations Advised To Take Batteries Out, Roll Around In Hand To Get Another Few Weeks Out Of Them”

Livid Tom Cruise Banging On Outside Of Russian Spacecraft

BANGING angrily on the outside of the Russian spacecraft carrying the crew which beat out the Mission Impossible actor to become the first filmmakers to make a movie in space, a livid Tom Cruise has demanded he is immediately given a part in their space-set movie. “Show me the movie!” screamed Cruise, maintaining his remarkable… … Continue reading “Livid Tom Cruise Banging On Outside Of Russian Spacecraft”

GAA Players Calling For Scrapping Of Dressing Room Restrictions Not Hardy Enough: Report

GAA club teams calling for an end to Covid dressing room restrictions may have outed themselves as a ‘bunch of big girls blouses that are afraid of a little rain’, a new report has shown. Despite the fact that many of the teams may have shared a minibus to the match in the first place,… … Continue reading “GAA Players Calling For Scrapping Of Dressing Room Restrictions Not Hardy Enough: Report”

Zuckerberg “We Don’t Put Money Before Safety” Post Removed By Facebook Fact Checkers

TIRELESSLY working around the clock in one of the most demanding jobs in the world, independent fact checkers used by Facebook have been forced to remove a post from Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg who countered claims by whistleblower Frances Haugen. “We don’t put money before safety,” Zuckerberg said in a status which has seen his… … Continue reading “Zuckerberg “We Don’t Put Money Before Safety” Post Removed By Facebook Fact Checkers”