Electric Picnic Organisers Add Zappone To Line Up In Bid To Ensure Festival Can Go Ahead

EXHALING in relief, Electric Picnic festival organisers are celebrating a foolproof line up addition which ensures the event can go ahead without fear of any repercussions. “Thank God for that, we can tear up all the careful planning that goes with ensuring an outdoor event is as safe as possible now we’ve got our headliner,”… … Continue reading “Electric Picnic Organisers Add Zappone To Line Up In Bid To Ensure Festival Can Go Ahead”

A Levy On Disposable Coffee Cups; Has The Government Just Solved Climate Change?

WITH just a handful of large corporations generating the vast majority of Co2 emissions and waste around the world, and water sapping data centres soon to make up 30% of Ireland’s electricity grid the Irish government have hatched a plan that may solve plastic waste, climate change and pollution. “You have to pay more your… … Continue reading “A Levy On Disposable Coffee Cups; Has The Government Just Solved Climate Change?”

Dublin Apartment Wins Olympic Gold For Best Dive

THERE was more Olympic triumph for Ireland in Japan this morning, after a bedsit on Dublin’s North Circular Road was declared the winner by a panel of judges in the debut of the ‘Best Dive’ event. Factors in the decision to grant gold to the apartment, listed as being for a single person but with… … Continue reading “Dublin Apartment Wins Olympic Gold For Best Dive”

Lukashenko Enjoying This Whole ‘Do What You Want With No Consequences’ Thing

THE BRAZEN and horrific murder of Belarusian dissident Vitaly Shishov, found hanging in a park in Kiev has given Belarusian dictator Alexander Lukashenko absolutely no pause for thought as he loses no sleep over fears of international condemnation. The bald, barrel-bodied baboon-brained bastard has admitted his recent streak of doing what he wants with no… … Continue reading “Lukashenko Enjoying This Whole ‘Do What You Want With No Consequences’ Thing”

Restaurant Association Backs Plans For Double Decker Tables To Make Up For Lost Business

THE RESTAURANT Association of Ireland is keeping the pressure on the government to lift existing restrictions and have taken efforts one step further with a practical solution which is set to revolutionise the pandemic dining experience. “The government must back our ‘piling tables on top of one another double decker style’ initiative or face the… … Continue reading “Restaurant Association Backs Plans For Double Decker Tables To Make Up For Lost Business”

Cuomo Crushes Harassment Allegations With Rousing ‘Bada-Bing’ Speech

NEW York governor Andrew Cuomo has been cleared of any wrongdoing this morning, after he brushed away the allegations of sexual misconduct against himself with the New Yorkiest, bada-bingiest speech that has ever been delivered. Believed by many to be Cuomo’s ‘I have a dream’ moment, the 63-year-old dismissed calls to resign from President Biden… … Continue reading “Cuomo Crushes Harassment Allegations With Rousing ‘Bada-Bing’ Speech”

“If You Motherfuckers Want To Swing At The Queen, You Better Not Miss”

BREAKING her silence following outrage over an outdoor event she organised for 50 people at a 5-star hotel last month which broke Fáilte Ireland’s guidelines, Katherine Zappone has vowed to defend her good name, WWN reports. “If you motherfuckers want to take a swing at the queen, you better not miss,” an irate Zappone told… … Continue reading ““If You Motherfuckers Want To Swing At The Queen, You Better Not Miss””

Are Dublin In Decline? We Investigate

AFTER winning an eleventh Leinster title in a row amid the continuing absence of several All-Ireland winning stars, WWN Sports, alongside its panel of esteemed experts, ask if the Dublin men’s senior footballers are in decline after a less than stellar Leinster final performance. “You know what they say, ’11-in-a-row is a piece of piss’… … Continue reading “Are Dublin In Decline? We Investigate”

How I Spend My Money: Special Envoy For Irish Government On 15k Plus Travel Expenses

WELCOME to How I Spend My Money, a totally original series on WWN that looks at what people in Ireland really do with their hard earned cash. This week we chat to Catherine, who has recently been appointed as a specially made up special envoy for a special UN position by the Irish government: I’m… … Continue reading “How I Spend My Money: Special Envoy For Irish Government On 15k Plus Travel Expenses”

Remaining Restrictions Almost A Sign Government Not Bothered With Women, Young People, The Arts

AS the organisers of Electric Picnic continue to insist that the festival will go ahead this year in September despite no clear messaging from the government about music gigs, many have started to think that the government may not be the friend to the arts that it makes out to be, WWN can report. “40,000… … Continue reading “Remaining Restrictions Almost A Sign Government Not Bothered With Women, Young People, The Arts”

Donegal Appeals For Better Transport Network, We Think

DONEGAL continued to cement its reputation as a massive pain in the hole for the rest of the nation this week, with what translators are describing as ‘some sort of plea to not be cut off from the rest of the country’, WWN can report. “It’s like the worst mix of culchie and nordie you… … Continue reading “Donegal Appeals For Better Transport Network, We Think”

Nation Urges Gardaí To Go Easy On The Weed Busts, Cheers

IRELAND has made renewed appeals to its national police force An Garda Síochána today to lay off the weed busts a bit following yet another growhouse raid this week, WWN has learned. Likening the drug raids to using a sieve to empty a large lake during the rain, the nation’s users admitted that if gardaí… … Continue reading “Nation Urges Gardaí To Go Easy On The Weed Busts, Cheers”

Kane Unveils New Haircut After Failing To Turn Up To Spurs Training Again

IN THE LATEST petulant act part of an attempt to force a move to Man City Harry Kane has unveiled a new hairdo and is believed to be using a dialect coach to perfect his Mancunian accent, WWN can reveal. Failing to report for training appears to be just the tip of the iceberg for… … Continue reading “Kane Unveils New Haircut After Failing To Turn Up To Spurs Training Again”

Irish Olympian Seeks Asylum Over Indoor Dining Discrimination Back Home

INSPIRED by Belarusian sprinter Krystsina Tsimanouskaya’s attempt to gain asylum after her coaches allegedly tried to force her onto a plane back to Belarus against her will, an Irish athlete is seeking the protection of a welcoming nation from tyrannical rule back home. “It’s like Nazi Germany back home,” relayed Ireland’s premier Mental Gymnastics athlete… … Continue reading “Irish Olympian Seeks Asylum Over Indoor Dining Discrimination Back Home”

Outrage As Skateboarder Charged €100 For Beating In Temple Bar

THE SKATEBOARDING community in Dublin staged a demonstration outside tourist hotspot Temple Bar yesterday evening after a video emerged of a brawl involving two teens with staff, with the video showing at least one teen being assaulted and dragged inside where he was allegedly then charged €100 for the beating. Notorious for its overly expensive… … Continue reading “Outrage As Skateboarder Charged €100 For Beating In Temple Bar”

Sexual Tension Between Tokyo Olympics Mascots Off The Charts

TOKYO OLYMPIC officials have been urged to speak to official Olympic and Paralympic mascots and tell them to ‘dial it back’ as the bristling sexual tension displayed by Miraitowa and Someity reaches boiling point. “Yeah… those are definitely fucking,” remarked a distracted NBC commentator, lost in the flirtatious back forth of the two mascots when… … Continue reading “Sexual Tension Between Tokyo Olympics Mascots Off The Charts”

RTÉ Sport Presenters In Line For Bonus If They Don’t Mention Michelle Smith Once During Olympics Coverage

FEARING a Beetlejuice scenario in which controversial 3-time Olympic gold medal winner Michelle Smith de Bruin could manifest in front of their eyes and make everything extremely awkward, RTÉ remain steadfast in their effort to limit mentions of the former swimmer to zero. “Once you remind yourself a million times ‘don’t say Michelle Smith de… … Continue reading “RTÉ Sport Presenters In Line For Bonus If They Don’t Mention Michelle Smith Once During Olympics Coverage”

Signs You’re Overdue A Ride

BEING single in the era of Covid isn’t exactly a pool party at the Playboy mansion, is it? Many people are long overdue the ride, and it’s important to monitor when you approach peak ‘I’d ride anything with a pulse’ status as the nation slowly but surely gets back to socialising. Beware of the telltale… … Continue reading “Signs You’re Overdue A Ride”

Turns Out 9-Year-Old You Was Right: Girls Are Gross

A NEW study has shown that young boys may have the right idea when it comes to the opposite sex, girls (and subsequently women) are weird, gross, and should be avoided at all costs. “Children are very intuitive at that age – it’s a very base, primal instinct that helped us as cave people to… … Continue reading “Turns Out 9-Year-Old You Was Right: Girls Are Gross”

Jay Z Takes Gold In Freestyle Event At Olympics

A VETERAN of the newly introduced 60 second freestyle rapping event, Jay Z has taken home the gold and is set to compete in the marathon freestyle event later this week which takes over 26 hours. Performed in an emptied out 50 metre Olympic swimming pool, the event is judged by IOC-appointed XXL magazine judges… … Continue reading “Jay Z Takes Gold In Freestyle Event At Olympics”

Lad Who Complained About Closed Pubs Now Giving Pubs Bad Reviews Over Covid Certs

A DUBLIN man who has spent the last 15 months ‘fighting for pubs’ has resorted to tarnishing local bars and restaurants for opting to observe public health guidance by enforcing a Covid certificate via a coordinated campaign of online abuse and fake reviews as well as booking fake appointments ensuring owners lose out on business,… … Continue reading “Lad Who Complained About Closed Pubs Now Giving Pubs Bad Reviews Over Covid Certs”

“Cork Wins Olympic Gold Medal,” Cork Corrects Nation

QUICKLY responding to well-wishers across Ireland after rowers Paul O’Donovan and Fintan McCarthy were crowned Olympic champions in Tokyo this morning after winning the men’s lightweight double sculls final, Corkonians have pointed out it was actually in fact Cork who won the medal, thanks. “C’mere till I tell ya, kid, Cork won that medal as… … Continue reading ““Cork Wins Olympic Gold Medal,” Cork Corrects Nation”

Meet The Taxidermist Who Specialises In Labradors With Coin Slots In Their Foreheads

WE’RE all very familiar with charity boxes shaped like dogs, locked in a rictus pant outside a newsagents, acting as a collection point for guide dogs or rescue animals, but did you know that each of those boxes is an actual Labrador carcass? And that each one is made by Waterford taxidermist Cathal McBroder? “It… … Continue reading “Meet The Taxidermist Who Specialises In Labradors With Coin Slots In Their Foreheads”

Oh Great, Dad Has Opinions About Simone Biles

ATTEMPTING to flee the kitchen and head for their bedrooms before his words met their ears, the O’Malley family can regretfully confirm dad Niall has some opinions on Simone Biles and her withdrawal from the Olympics. “I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. He hasn’t watched the gymnastics mind, and certainly didn’t know… … Continue reading “Oh Great, Dad Has Opinions About Simone Biles”

Equality Win: Government Give Zappone First ‘Jobs For The Girls’ Position

EQUALITY campaigners are today very reluctantly celebrating the first foray by the three-party coalition government into the realm of little seen ‘jobs for the girls’ appointments that stink to high heaven. “Finally an end to the closed off ‘jobs for the boys’ clique that has denied women with connections to people in power the same… … Continue reading “Equality Win: Government Give Zappone First ‘Jobs For The Girls’ Position”

CAB Seize Haughey Olympic Silver Medal

A MOMENTOUS first Olympic swimming medal for Hong Kong and a proud day for the communities of Hong Kong and Ireland took an unseemly turn as officers from the Irish Criminal Assets Bureau swooped in on the Tokyo medal ceremony to confiscate the silver medal won by Siobhan Haughey, the grand-niece of disgraced former Taoiseach… … Continue reading “CAB Seize Haughey Olympic Silver Medal”

Bronze Winning Rowers Secure Lifetime Supply Of Late Late Show Appearances

IN A stunning comeback Aifric Keogh, Eimear Lambe, Fiona Murtagh and Emily Hegarty battled back to win an Olympic bronze medal in Tokyo, but more important than Olympic glory is the now guaranteed prize of unlimited supply of Late Late Show appearances. The celebrations across the nation and the outpouring of emotion at the rowers’… … Continue reading “Bronze Winning Rowers Secure Lifetime Supply Of Late Late Show Appearances”

Exclusive Extract From Prince Harry’s Explosive Tell-All Memoir

IT’S the most hotly anticipated publishing event since Kerry Katona’s ‘How To Sing Like Me Volume 1’ book hit the shelves and WWN has got the much sought after first exclusive extract from Prince Harry’s memoir. In the opening pages, the former Royal explains his motivation for writing a tell-all memoir which you can read… … Continue reading “Exclusive Extract From Prince Harry’s Explosive Tell-All Memoir”

“Using Kangaroo Pouches To Transport Vaccines A Mistake” Admits Australian PM

AUSSIE PM Scott Morrison has admitted fault in the federal government’s vaccine strategy which remains a stuttering, poorly planned mess. “They’re not for taming, they don’t follow directions well and they absolutely won’t accept when they’ve fucked up,” Morrisson said of the kangaroos and not of his own administration. Morrison’s inability to speedily rollout a… … Continue reading ““Using Kangaroo Pouches To Transport Vaccines A Mistake” Admits Australian PM”

Woman Married To Grump For 40 Years Also Claiming To Be Victim Of ‘Romance Fraud’

AS GARDAÍ arrest a man and woman suspected of carrying out a €28,000 ‘romance fraud’, news of the alleged crime is helping other victims to come forward and share their story. ‘Romance fraud’ is a confidence trick scam in which a criminal feigns romantic intentions towards a victim, gains their affection, and then uses that… … Continue reading “Woman Married To Grump For 40 Years Also Claiming To Be Victim Of ‘Romance Fraud’”

5 Ways Rooney’s Week Could Get Worse

EMBROILED in a late night drinking session turned photoshoot with women rumoured to be ensnaring him in an extortion plot, and now fresh from injuring one of the key players he’s manages at Derby, Wayne Rooney is having an awful week and it’s only Tuesday. WWN tempt fate on the United legend’s behalf by musing… … Continue reading “5 Ways Rooney’s Week Could Get Worse”

Local Man Diagnosed With Long Hangover

A COUNTY Tipperary man has been diagnosed with what doctors have since coined as ‘long hangover’ after going on the absolute tear three weeks ago leaving him permanently ‘dyin’ at his home, WWN can report. Farmer Niall Roche (46) reportedly went ‘out on the piss’ for his birthday on the 8th of July with some… … Continue reading “Local Man Diagnosed With Long Hangover”

Common Misconceptions Tourists Have About Ireland

AS IRELAND gets to grips with the flow of international travel once more, there will be a substantial increase in the number of foreign tourists seeking to enjoy all the wonders Ireland has to offer. In an attempt to ensure incoming tourists have as good a time as possible, WWN would like to clear up… … Continue reading “Common Misconceptions Tourists Have About Ireland”

Pat Hickey In Tears Watching All Those Unused Seats At Olympics

THE SITE of empty seats and zero demand for tickets has proven too much for one Tokyo Olympics viewer, WWN understands. Running the numbers in his head, local Olympics fan Pat Hickey was beside himself at how a crowd-less games would affect the bottom line as well as the lucrative ticket resellers market often fueled… … Continue reading “Pat Hickey In Tears Watching All Those Unused Seats At Olympics”

BREAKING: Attractive Rich People Riding Again

NEWS SITES and Instagram gossip accounts have been driven to the verge of orgasmic climax over the news that two attractive rich people are once again having sex with one another. Pushing various news stories about climate devastation, famine, vaccine inequality and war from the front pages, leading publications have confirmed that Jennifer Lopez, a… … Continue reading “BREAKING: Attractive Rich People Riding Again”

Dept Of Health Throw In 5 Last Minute Indoor Dining Rules To Keep Restaurants Guessing

IN A bid to keep restaurateurs ‘on their feet’ the Department of Health issued last minute updates to indoor dining measures at around midnight last night in a sure sign this has all been well thought out and planned in advance with no impending chaos. And as businesses cater for their first indoor lunch settings… … Continue reading “Dept Of Health Throw In 5 Last Minute Indoor Dining Rules To Keep Restaurants Guessing”

Neighbour’s Car Alarm Barely Noticeable After Fourth Hour, Study Shows

UP to 5,000 people who took part in an extensive working-from-home survey have noted that they are now able to get their work done without the distraction of neighbourhood sounds such as alarms or arguments, which they say ‘blend into the background’ after a fairly short period of time. “I barely hear it these days”… … Continue reading “Neighbour’s Car Alarm Barely Noticeable After Fourth Hour, Study Shows”

Ireland Claim First Gold Of Olympics In The Road Bowls Event

THERE WERE scenes of unbridled joy as octogenarian Tommy Flaherty secured Ireland’s first gold of the Olympics in the road bowls event in Tokyo today. Narrowly beating out the host nation’s representative in the final, 73-year-old Shinji Kato, Flaherty fulfilled a lifelong ambition after his 16th Olympic games. “Ah sure he’s an impish little fucker… … Continue reading “Ireland Claim First Gold Of Olympics In The Road Bowls Event”

Davy Stockbrokers Punished For Bond Scandal With Massive Pay Day

SENDING A clear signal that no misdeed will go unpunished, many of the so-called Davy 16 will directly benefit from the €440 million sale of the firm to Bank of Ireland, an entity in which the State has significant shareholdings in. “Personally, I thank my lucky stars I didn’t have to resign in disgrace and… … Continue reading “Davy Stockbrokers Punished For Bond Scandal With Massive Pay Day”

Government Housing Plan Delayed As Investment Funds Haven’t Finished Writing It Yet

THE GOVERNMENT has confirmed that its housing strategy for the coming decade ‘Housing For All’ has been delayed and will not be published next week as planned due to investment funds still working on the document’s final wording and loopholes. “We’re as eager and impatient to find out what we have planned as well, but… … Continue reading “Government Housing Plan Delayed As Investment Funds Haven’t Finished Writing It Yet”

Horror As Giant Coronavirus Wreaks Havoc On Olympics Opening Ceremony

“THIS IS what we were afraid of, this is what we warned but none of you fools would listen,” screamed Japanese virologists as they fled the Tokyo 2020 Olympic stadium as a giant pulsating coronavirus particle climbed the facade of the stadium, roaring into the night sky in an ominous fashion. Organisers desperate for the… … Continue reading “Horror As Giant Coronavirus Wreaks Havoc On Olympics Opening Ceremony”

Tramore No Swim Warning In Place After High Levels Of Dubs Found In Water

WATERFORD County Council are advising people not to swim in the sea in Tramore due to dangerously high levels of Dubs in the water, WWN has learned. The public has been urged not to enter the water on the beach for the next three days until new samples are taken, and the threat has subsided…. … Continue reading “Tramore No Swim Warning In Place After High Levels Of Dubs Found In Water”

Tory Government Actively Trying To Kill Them Gives English People Chance To Experience What It Was Like Being Catholic In N. Ireland

FOLLOWING on from news stories including how their PM Boris Johnson was perfectly okay with the elderly dying, ‘Freedom Day’ lifting of restrictions seemingly designed to kill off the vulnerable, and tests and food running out, the English people are finally getting to sample what it was like to be a targeted Catholic in Northern… … Continue reading “Tory Government Actively Trying To Kill Them Gives English People Chance To Experience What It Was Like Being Catholic In N. Ireland”

HSE Turn Attention To Shutting Down Soup Runs For Homeless As Nothing More Important Going On

TWO infamous Dublin based soup runs that shamefully feed those in need for free face closure by the HSE, who have no other pressing engagements currently it seems. “Aw stop, sure this is last thing I want to be enforcing as part of the environmental health section, regs which are normally limited to businesses, but… … Continue reading “HSE Turn Attention To Shutting Down Soup Runs For Homeless As Nothing More Important Going On”

“Don’t Suffer In Silence, Report Hate Crimes” Say Gardaí Who Cancelled Thousands of 999 Calls

SETTING up an online system for members of the public to report hate crimes, an organisation recently in the news for cancelling 999 calls or not following them up have told people they needn’t ‘suffer in silence’. Speaking at the launch of the dedicated reporting system senior Gardaí confirmed it will be the usual case… … Continue reading ““Don’t Suffer In Silence, Report Hate Crimes” Say Gardaí Who Cancelled Thousands of 999 Calls”

Sunburned? Try These Simple Homemade Remedies

SUNBURN is no fun. Most of us know that unmistakably intense pain and irritable itchiness, but you don’t have to suffer through it. WWN has collated a number of simple homemade remedies passed down through the generations which are designed to help us Irish, a people paler than the translucent fish that live in dark… … Continue reading “Sunburned? Try These Simple Homemade Remedies”

Australia Apologises For Vaccinating People Slower Than Dirt Poor Countries

THE Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has issued a formal apology for the painfully hesitant rollout of Covid-19 vaccinations in his country, describing the scheme as ‘unforgivably Indian’ in its slowness. “We’re a fairly wealthy nation with a predominantly white, English-speaking population. There’s no reason for us to be administering doses slower than some of… … Continue reading “Australia Apologises For Vaccinating People Slower Than Dirt Poor Countries”

“Nobody Watches Women’s Beach Handball For The Sport” Olympic Committee Explain

THE International Olympic Committee has defended a decision by the European Handball Federation to impose a fine on the Norwegian Women’s team for not wearing the regulatory outfit of crop tops and miniscule bikini bottoms, arguing that the draw of the sport ‘ain’t got nothing to do with beaches, or handball’. The Norwegian women’s team… … Continue reading ““Nobody Watches Women’s Beach Handball For The Sport” Olympic Committee Explain”

Boss Can’t Believe Retail Worker Looking For Day Off To Attend Own Funeral

“YOU’RE really putting me in an awkward position here, we’re already short two for the afternoon ‘cus Jack and Ellen are selfishly off getting their vaccines,” snarled retail business owner Alan Fannon down the phone to a former employee recently deceased from Covid complications. “C’mon, you owe me one, remember when you rang me from… … Continue reading “Boss Can’t Believe Retail Worker Looking For Day Off To Attend Own Funeral”

Supervised Injection Centre To Disguise Itself As Hotel In Bid To Get Planning Permission

FOUR years after legislation was passed to allow for the introduction of safe injection centres, Ireland remains without a single dedicated facility amid a flurry of ‘concerned objections’ from businesses and residents prompting one enterprising group to hatch a plan. “Yeah it’s funny when we applied to build a facility designed to make sure people… … Continue reading “Supervised Injection Centre To Disguise Itself As Hotel In Bid To Get Planning Permission”