DUP Considering Possibility That They’re A Shower Of Horrible Bastards

DUP leader Arlene Foster has stated that during her party’s ongoing Brexit-based discussions, they entertained the notion that they may actually be a giant pack of wretched bastards. As they battle to find a way to accept the fact that the Conservative Government is about to catapult them under the nearest available bus, the Unionist… … Continue reading “DUP Considering Possibility That They’re A Shower Of Horrible Bastards”

Local Woman To Become Next Suzanne Jackson After Posting Picture Of Lip Gloss On Instagram

A NEW BEAUTY empire was launched today after local woman Jessica Phelan (22) posted a picture of just her hand holding some lip gloss with the caption ‘can’t live without this. So good and stays on really well.’ on Instagram. While Phelan avoided direct comparisons to SoSueMe head honcho Suzanne Jackson, whose company recently recorded… … Continue reading “Local Woman To Become Next Suzanne Jackson After Posting Picture Of Lip Gloss On Instagram”

Fears Beef Shortage Leaving Vegans With Less Things To Bitch About

FEARS are growing among the vegan community that the current beef crisis may leave them with a lack of opportunities to feel morally superior to everyone else, WWN reports. With blockades at meat processing plants across the country showing no signs of abating, retailers and restaurateurs have warned of widespread beef shortages until the crisis… … Continue reading “Fears Beef Shortage Leaving Vegans With Less Things To Bitch About”

The New Galway Busker Rules Explained

GALWAY City Council has come under fire this week over new busking bylaws which will see street performers regulated like they’re part of some kind of uniformed society that caters for and listens to all aspects of the local community, WWN has learned. Hellbent on creating free flowing movement throughout the city centre, the Council will now dictate when and how buskers… … Continue reading “The New Galway Busker Rules Explained”

Student Going Through Sinn Féin Phase

UCD student Trevor O’Brien is to spend the coming months learning off and adopting the key political ideology of Sinn Féin, in what many people presume is just a phase that every student goes through at some point. “It used to be Labour in my day, but students are wise to them now. I was… … Continue reading “Student Going Through Sinn Féin Phase”

Child Rescued From Bedroom After Becoming Trapped By Used Cereal Bowls

EMERGENCY services were called to a county Waterford home this morning after a child became trapped by thousands of cereal bowls in her own bedroom, WWN can confirm. The alarm was raised at 8:25am by the child’s mother who told 999 that her 8-year-old was getting ready for school, but couldn’t open her door due to the amount of used cereal bowls… … Continue reading “Child Rescued From Bedroom After Becoming Trapped By Used Cereal Bowls”

This Man Unfollowed Gemma O’Doherty And Her Posts Simply Vanished Overnight

AFTER months of endless bickering with right-wing supporters under various Gemma O’Doherty social media posts, Waterford man Conor Whealan has claimed to have found an end all solution to avoiding the former human being’s ongoing tirade. “I unfollowed her and she simply went away,” the astonished 27-year-old explained his ingenious move. “Who’d have thought that something so simple as unfollowing someone… … Continue reading “This Man Unfollowed Gemma O’Doherty And Her Posts Simply Vanished Overnight”

Government To Ban All Single-Use Plastic Paddies

CLIMATE action minister Richard Bruton is to introduce a ‘radical’ suite of solutions to the ongoing battle against singe-use plastics, including the banning of plastic plates, plastic cutlery, plastic cups, and plastic paddies who proudly wear their Easter Lilies for one night of the year before spending the other 364 being openly critical about Sinn… … Continue reading “Government To Ban All Single-Use Plastic Paddies”

Show Off Reading Book On Park Bench

IN WHAT IS being described as a flagrant and brazen attempt to show off, one Dublin based man has been spotted in full view of the public looking all intellectual while reading a book on a park bench, much to the disgust of passersby. His fingers loudly caressing the edge of a page before nonchalantly… … Continue reading “Show Off Reading Book On Park Bench”

Five-In-A-Row For Ah Who Fucking Cares

THERE were jubilant scenes at Croke Park on Saturday evening following Dublin’s thrilling All-Ireland victory against ah who are we kidding, nobody gave a fuck then and nobody gives a fuck now. Claiming an historic fifth consecutive All-Ireland victory, the Dubs… actually, no, now that we read that first paragraph again, there weren’t any ‘jubilant… … Continue reading “Five-In-A-Row For Ah Who Fucking Cares”

Nail-biting Finish To Nail-biting Final

IT was all-out cuticle-cutting war at the Nail-biting World Cup this week, with the final leaving many spectators cursing themselves for having bitten all their nails away already, leaving them with nothing to do but sit back in awe at the sheer nail-biting nail-biting going on before their eyes. Here’s how it all went down:… … Continue reading “Nail-biting Finish To Nail-biting Final”

BREAKING: Reports Of An Active Vaper On The Rampage In US School

A TEXAS high school is said to be on lockdown this morning after a disgruntled student entered the building and reportedly began bellowing several plumes of flavoured vapor in the general direction of fellow students, WWN can confirm. CCTV footage showed children ducking for cover under tables as a Caucasian male, believed to be in his mid… … Continue reading “BREAKING: Reports Of An Active Vaper On The Rampage In US School”

Local Man Obsessed With Fact That Refugee Has iPhone

OUGHTERARD man Gearoid Conleth has strengthened his stance against housing asylum seekers in a local disused hotel, due to the fact that some of the ‘so-called refugees’ have ‘mobile phones and everything’. Conleth, who is certainly not in any way racist, claims that opening a Direct Provision Centre in the former Connemara Gateway Hotel would only lead to… … Continue reading “Local Man Obsessed With Fact That Refugee Has iPhone”

Latest Poll Suggests The North Would Not Like To Be Blown Up Again, Thanks

A NEW poll taken in Northern Ireland has shown that the majority of people living in the North and in surrounding border counties are okay with not being shot, blown up, burned or otherwise harmed, and show no desire to invite any such hassles upon themselves. The results come at the worst possible time for… … Continue reading “Latest Poll Suggests The North Would Not Like To Be Blown Up Again, Thanks”

Court Rules It’s Illegal For Johnson To Be That Big Of A Twat

SCOTTISH JUDGES have ruled that British prime minister Boris Johnson’s recent conduct, which has included lying to parliament, the public and the Queen as well as declaring he would break the law by ignoring rulings by a parliament he has lost control of, has breached the legal ceiling of acceptable levels of being a twat…. … Continue reading “Court Rules It’s Illegal For Johnson To Be That Big Of A Twat”

Brolly To Shout Analysis Into Croke Park From Megaphone

AS THE REALITY of being axed from RTÉ’s All-Ireland football final replay coverage sets in, experts on the experts of the game suggest Joe Brolly will take to standing outside Croke Park with a megaphone shouting pithy one-liners, analogies and controversial talking points into the stadium during the build up, half-time and full-time. “Don’t think… … Continue reading “Brolly To Shout Analysis Into Croke Park From Megaphone”

Vaccinations: Now We’ve Got Your Attention, Is Anyone Watching Succession?

THE continuing debate over whether or not you should vaccinate your kids is a sure-fire way to attract interest on social media, to the extent that Minister For Health Simon Harris has stated that social media companies should ban accounts that spread anti-vaccination propaganda… but forget all that, has anyone been watching HBO’s hit show… … Continue reading “Vaccinations: Now We’ve Got Your Attention, Is Anyone Watching Succession?”

Hogan Burns Compromising Photos Of Enemies As Promised

“YEAH, I’m destroying them as we speak… relax, you made the right decision,” a calculating Phil Hogan told an unknown voice at the other end of the phone, while caressing an official document confirming his new promotion, “the one with the gimp mask too, yes, and the ball gag one, they’re all gone, I’ll do you all… … Continue reading “Hogan Burns Compromising Photos Of Enemies As Promised”

iPhone 11 Review: It’s A Fucking Phone, Sit Down

ALL eyes were on Apple yesterday, when… Christ. Jesus Christ. How many times can we write this same article over and over again. It’s a phone. It’s a God damned phone. It’s the same fucking phone they revealed last year, and the year before, and the year before… for ten years, the same thing. A… … Continue reading “iPhone 11 Review: It’s A Fucking Phone, Sit Down”

John Bolton Moves On In New Role As Rootinest Tootinest Cowboy In Whole West

FORMER National Security Advisor John Bolton has opened up about his new job following his departure from the White House this week, and claims that he’s ‘very excited’ about the opportunity to head into the west and blast rustlers, critters and varmints. Although mystery looms over whether Bolton was fired by President Trump or quit… … Continue reading “John Bolton Moves On In New Role As Rootinest Tootinest Cowboy In Whole West”

The Beef Disputes Explained By A Lad In Work Who Was Half Listening To The Radio

NOT WANTING to misrepresent a complex situation regarding an industry he has little to no knowledge of, one lad in work has confirmed he’s got this whole beef dispute situation nailed down after drifting in and out of listening to the radio on the way into the office this morning. Thomas, a co-worker of middling… … Continue reading “The Beef Disputes Explained By A Lad In Work Who Was Half Listening To The Radio”

Here’s Our Unpaid, Overworked Intern With An Article About The Gender Pay Gap

IT’S NEVER been more important to advocate for parity of pay among the sexes. It’s 2019 after all. We here of the trailblazing feminist-first Gash publication know the importance of pursuing this issue more than anyone. For example; how the underrepresented are often placated with empty gestures such as a token, one-off article proclaiming the… … Continue reading “Here’s Our Unpaid, Overworked Intern With An Article About The Gender Pay Gap”

Win! Dublin Gets Another Much Needed Soulless Hotel To Be Overcharged In

JUST WHEN you were worried Dublin wasn’t becoming a soulless vacuum quickly enough; one dominated by hotels, offices, identikit pubs and cafes, comes the news that yet another hotel will be built in place of that place you enjoyed socialising in. There were scenes of joy as developers, planning authorities and investment funds announced that… … Continue reading “Win! Dublin Gets Another Much Needed Soulless Hotel To Be Overcharged In”

Varadkar ‘Insufferable’ After Athena Remark Receives Praise

THE ALREADY insufferable Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has furthered strayed into the ‘can barely look at him without steam coming out of my ears’ category for many voters after basking in the afterglow of praise for his subtle yet barbed remarks to British PM Boris Johnson regarding the ancient Greek goddess Athena. “Everyone loves me now,”… … Continue reading “Varadkar ‘Insufferable’ After Athena Remark Receives Praise”

Meet The White Man Behind Serena Williams’s Success

SHE’S one of tennis’s greatest ever superstars; of that, there is no question. But what many people won’t know, is the true identity of the man behind Serena Williams’s success, a man that WWN caught up with at the weekend. 58-year-old Herbert ‘Herb’ Brainerd may not seem like the kind of guy who would kickstart… … Continue reading “Meet The White Man Behind Serena Williams’s Success”

Dose From School Springs 30th Birthday Invite Out Of Fucking Nowhere

LOCAL insufferable, Michael Fenning, has suddenly and inexplicably invited dozens for former school mates to his thirtieth birthday via a mass-invite on popular social media network Facebook, despite having spoken to none of them since the debs. The incident is the latest in a spate of bizarre invitations to parties and the like from doses… … Continue reading “Dose From School Springs 30th Birthday Invite Out Of Fucking Nowhere”

Psst, We Don’t Want To Get Your Hopes Up But We Think Coldplay Are Gone For Good

WITHOUT wanting to inadvertently instigate a Beetlejuice type situation whereby mentioning their name three times summons them into arriving fully formed at your side, if our sources are to be believed English pillow-soft rockers Coldplay have ‘fucked off for good’. Music fans are urged not to jinx the good news by searching on Google to… … Continue reading “Psst, We Don’t Want To Get Your Hopes Up But We Think Coldplay Are Gone For Good”

Johnson Presented With ‘Irish History For Complete Fucking Morons’ During Dublin Visit

BORIS JOHNSON’S brief visit to Dublin was dominated by his inability to form coherent sentences regarding the border and no deal Brexit, but after Taoiseach Leo Varadkar thoughtfully presented him with a copy of Irish History For Complete Fucking Morons, it is hoped he may reconsider his current lack of any plan. The introductory book,… … Continue reading “Johnson Presented With ‘Irish History For Complete Fucking Morons’ During Dublin Visit”

Colombian Coffee Capsule Crop Threatened By Drought

IN COLOMBIA, the coffee capsule harvest threatens to be almost completely destroyed this year due to a severe drought. Farmers have confirmed that the poor growth of the popular capsules have seen them form only miserable, sub-standard aluminum caps. In Ireland, consumers now have to prepare themselves for the arrival of very small coffee capsules… … Continue reading “Colombian Coffee Capsule Crop Threatened By Drought”

4 Disaster Movies The Government Is Watching To Prepare For A Hard Brexit

AS IT becomes ever more apparent that Boris Johnson’s government is in such disarray that it can’t be counted on to muster the brain cells required to see sense and try to avoid a hard Brexit, the Irish government has steadily increased its level of preparedness for such a regretful outcome. However, no matter how… … Continue reading “4 Disaster Movies The Government Is Watching To Prepare For A Hard Brexit”

Parents Threaten To Make Kid Watch Ireland Game If He Doesn’t Behave

WATERFORD schoolkid Brendan Biron is under orders to be on his best behaviour today, under threat of the gravest punishment of all; being forced to sit through a Republic Of Ireland Euro qualifier. Biron, 9, had been ‘acting the pup’ all day, until his father Jeremy and his mum Eileen told him in no uncertain terms… … Continue reading “Parents Threaten To Make Kid Watch Ireland Game If He Doesn’t Behave”

Bankrupt, Recently Dumped Man With Only Days To Live Glad He’s Having Better Week Than Boris Johnson

A TERMINALLY ill man whose wife left him for his own brother has spoken of how he counts his blessings for the fact that, at the very least, he’s not having as cataclysmically awful a week as British prime minister Boris Johnson. “I could sit here and feel sorry myself but look at that useless… … Continue reading “Bankrupt, Recently Dumped Man With Only Days To Live Glad He’s Having Better Week Than Boris Johnson”

Met Éireann Issue Red Balloon Over Sewer Warning

THE WARNING, issued by Met Éireann comes into affect in Derry and other locations across the island of Ireland from the 6th of September and is set to last for weeks. While the meteorological service rarely issues non-weather based warnings it is believed bright red balloons are associated with torrential rains and can lead to… … Continue reading “Met Éireann Issue Red Balloon Over Sewer Warning”

Devil All Good For Landlord Souls, Cheers

THE purchasing department for Hell has issued a firm warning that it has met its quota for landlord souls for 2019, and will no longer be accepting offers of souls from Irish property owners wishing to enter the rental market. In a statement stamped by the lord Beelzebub himself, Hell has firmly told those wishing… … Continue reading “Devil All Good For Landlord Souls, Cheers”

“You’re Not Fucking Banksy” Council Tells Rogue Graffiti Artists

GRAFFITI artists, who insist on defacing buildings with visually striking murals that draws attention to neglected areas or reinvigorates towns and villages, have been told by local councils to ‘cut it the fuck out’ unless they’re Banksy. Banksy, long understood to be so good at graffitiing that his work is impervious to being painted over,… … Continue reading ““You’re Not Fucking Banksy” Council Tells Rogue Graffiti Artists”

Buzz Aldrin Admits To Cracking One Out On The Moon

THE mystery surrounding a curious, gel-like substance on the surface of the moon has been solved, after veteran astronaut Buzz Aldrin came forward to admit that ‘hey, the moon is a boring place and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do’. Chinese astronomers had been baffled by the substance, found on the dark side… … Continue reading “Buzz Aldrin Admits To Cracking One Out On The Moon”

Man Pretending To Enjoy Alcohol To Fit In Like Some Insecure Teenager

ONE LOCAL adult male has failed to shake off the insecurity which governs his fear of being judged and singled out when it comes to alcohol consumption and therefore has decided to continue ‘loving’ the substance along with his friends on nights out, WWN can reveal. “Ah fuckin’ love the pints so I do,” confrimed… … Continue reading “Man Pretending To Enjoy Alcohol To Fit In Like Some Insecure Teenager”

LIVE UPDATES: The Slow Disintegration Of The United Kingdom

THIS IS the only place to find all essential updates on the continued and neverending political chaos the United Kingdom is gripped in as part of the world’s only case of self-imposed Stockholm Syndrome. Need to know the ‘when’, ‘how’, ‘why’ and ‘seriously, what the fuck?’ of the slow disintegration of the United Kingdom? Then… … Continue reading “LIVE UPDATES: The Slow Disintegration Of The United Kingdom”

Johnson Stands On Fifth Rake Of Day

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson is on high alert for a sixth smack in the face from a rake that he has trodden on, having already received five heavy blows to the mush already today. Johnson received his first garden implement to the face earlier this morning, as he stepped out of bed freshly rested… … Continue reading “Johnson Stands On Fifth Rake Of Day”

McDonald & O’Neill Spotted Wearing Matching Mink Coats Following €1.6mn Party Donation

POLITICAL RIVALS north and south of the border have expressed significant envy at news of a mystery donor leaving Sinn Féin €1.65 million in his will. Pledging to invest the money in campaigning on the island of Ireland, Michelle O’Neill and Mary Lou McDonald stated that their party would not fall foul of the allure… … Continue reading “McDonald & O’Neill Spotted Wearing Matching Mink Coats Following €1.6mn Party Donation”

Majority Of British Public To Be Treated For PTSD Post Brexit

EXPERTS have claimed that therapy to treat the entire population of Britain for post traumatic stress syndrome following Brexit is to cost the Exchequer hundreds of billions of pounds, WWN can confirm. Such was the stress brought on by three years of financial limbo, scaremongering media headlines and general chaos, the majority of British citizens will have to be treated… … Continue reading “Majority Of British Public To Be Treated For PTSD Post Brexit”

Revealed: The Founding Fathers Thoughts On Lightweight Magazine-Fed Gas-Operated Semi-Automatic Rifles

GEORGE Washington, Alexander Hamilton, Benjamin Franklin; just three of the ‘founding fathers’ of America, who wrote the very document which shaped the United States into the nation it is today. And, if new research has shown, three men who loved nothing more than the smell of a warm assault rifle, fresh from a delivery of… … Continue reading “Revealed: The Founding Fathers Thoughts On Lightweight Magazine-Fed Gas-Operated Semi-Automatic Rifles”

Trump To Spend Day Watching ‘Twister’

EAGER not to sound like a fucking idiot when talking about the category 5 hurricane currently bearing down on the east coast of the US, President Donald Trump has ordered a screening of the 1996 action thriller Twister in the Oval Office for himself and his ‘storm team’. With winds approaching 200mph Hurricane Dorian has already… … Continue reading “Trump To Spend Day Watching ‘Twister’”

Johnson Calls In Plumber To Fix Backstop

ARRIVING at number ten carrying only a toolbox and a Wavin pipe, London plumber Mark Willington was ushered in by officials at the prime minister’s residence early this morning, unaware he was now the country’s last only hope. The 34-year-old tradesman was reportedly contacted by Boris Johnson late last night in the hopes of solving Brexit’s biggest hurdle,… … Continue reading “Johnson Calls In Plumber To Fix Backstop”

Man Who Took His Tent Home From Festival Expecting Nobel Prize

AN ELECTRIC PICNIC festival goer has admitted to being ‘devastated’ and ‘shocked’ at the news that his herculean effort in not leaving behind his tent in a heap will not see him receive some sort of Nobel Prize, WWN can confirm. Like a considerable portion of festival goers who now pack up and take their… … Continue reading “Man Who Took His Tent Home From Festival Expecting Nobel Prize”

Everywhere Mike Pence Should Visit On His Next Trip To Ireland

US VICE-PRESIDENT and homophobe-in-chief is set to visit Ireland in early September, and will no doubt receive a disappointingly warm welcome from Irish politicians. However, politicians are hardly known as the type of people to show a visiting dignitary a good time so WWN has taken it upon itself to list a few hot spots… … Continue reading “Everywhere Mike Pence Should Visit On His Next Trip To Ireland”