Sun Taking The Absolute Fucking Piss At This Stage

A TEAM of scientists has confirmed that the sun seems to be taking the absolute fucking piss with its latest spell of clement weather and have asked the general public to not pay it any attention, WWN can confirm. Spitefully making its appearance for the past few weeks during a nationwide lockdown to curb the… … Continue reading “Sun Taking The Absolute Fucking Piss At This Stage”

Man Suffocates After Bag Full Of Bags Under His Kitchen Sink Explode

THE family of Mossey Burns are said to be in a state of shock today after the father of children was found suffocated to death in his kitchen after a freak accident caused by a bag full of bags under the sink. An alarm was raised at approximately 21:30 last night by a concerned neighbour who… … Continue reading “Man Suffocates After Bag Full Of Bags Under His Kitchen Sink Explode”

Spoiled Millennials Get Ready For Second Recession Of Their Lifetime

THE pampered and spoiled snowflake generation of Ireland is stocking up on avocados and poetry recitals ahead of their next bitterly tough recession, during which they’re expected to do nothing except bitch and whine, WWN can report. Defined as anyone born between 1980 and 1994, but actually used as an insult for anyone under the… … Continue reading “Spoiled Millennials Get Ready For Second Recession Of Their Lifetime”

Number Of Drunk Idiots In A&E Falls To 250 Year Low

SCIENTISTS are investigating a possible side effect of Coronavirus infection spread after startling data from Irish A&E departments show a stark drop in the number of avoidable drink-fueled injuries, minor complaints and non-life threatening illnesses, WWN can report. Casualty departments across Ireland are showing almost zero waiting lists for the first time in nearly 250… … Continue reading “Number Of Drunk Idiots In A&E Falls To 250 Year Low”

Local Family Trying To Outdo Everyone With Their Remote Social Distancing Pics

RESEARCHING for hours to find the most accessible, but remotest place in their vicinity, the Ryan family set out on their mission to outdo just about every other family on social media with their extreme version of social distancing. “Make sure to bring all the phone chargers; we don’t want to be in the middle… … Continue reading “Local Family Trying To Outdo Everyone With Their Remote Social Distancing Pics”

Local Kid Can’t Believe Parents Call That A Day’s ‘Work’

A FRANKLY astonished 8-year-old Irish child is questioning everything he thought he knew about his parents after witnessing their half-arsed attempts at looking busy as they continue to ‘work’ from home. “Mum’s words-per-minute typing is fucking awful, she’s going at a snail’s pace and only using her index fingers, and himself? He’s been on the… … Continue reading “Local Kid Can’t Believe Parents Call That A Day’s ‘Work’”

Tearful Trump Reassures Nation Wealthiest Businesses Will Be Bailed Out

“THEY tried to make me waste all the money on people, healthcare workers and medical supplies, but I fought for what’s important; executive pay, bonuses and wealthy businesses,” President Trump tearfully confirmed to reporters after a historic $2 trillion stimulus package was passed by the US Senate. Trump spent long portions of the latest media… … Continue reading “Tearful Trump Reassures Nation Wealthiest Businesses Will Be Bailed Out”

Here’s What’s In The Government’s Covid-19 Booklet

IN the coming days, a Coronavirus booklet issued by the government will be delivered to every house in the country, marking the first mass-mail operation launched by the state since the Iodine tablets of 2002, and the vials of Holy Water distributed when Playboy first went on sale in the mid-90s. Contained within the booklet… … Continue reading “Here’s What’s In The Government’s Covid-19 Booklet”

Local Mother Doesn’t Know What Day Of The Week She Has

A COUNTY Waterford woman has broken her silence today after spending almost a minute debating with herself as to what day of the week it is, forcing her to expel words of a similar nature to her closest family members. Janet Regan, a 44-year-old mother of two who up until now has been in reasonably… … Continue reading “Local Mother Doesn’t Know What Day Of The Week She Has”

Nation Knows Things Are Bad But They’re Not ‘Fine Gael/Fianna Fáil Coalition’ Bad

THE IRISH people, never more unified against a common foe except for when the Brits couldn’t take the hint circa 1916, have insisted that while we’re all in this fight against the Covid-19 pandemic together, the once in a century threat isn’t grave enough to warrant a Fine Gael/Fianna Fáil coalition so hold your horses…. … Continue reading “Nation Knows Things Are Bad But They’re Not ‘Fine Gael/Fianna Fáil Coalition’ Bad”

‘Coughing Prank’ Teenager Has iPhone Surgically Removed From His Hole

THE extraction of an iPhone X from deep within the rectum of a Waterford teenager who had been using it to film himself purposefully coughing on passers-by has been hailed as a ‘miracle’ by the nation, who simply cannot believe that anyone would go to the trouble of trying to remove it. Derek Lears, 17,… … Continue reading “‘Coughing Prank’ Teenager Has iPhone Surgically Removed From His Hole”

How To Isolate Yourself From Your Parent’s Shit Memes

WITH no sign of the Coronavirus lockdown coming to an end, the majority of the nation has stated that there’s ‘only so much more of this shit’ they can take when it comes to the waves of nonsense takes, witch doctor cures and ‘hilarious’ memes that their parents and elderly relatives share on WhatsApp. A… … Continue reading “How To Isolate Yourself From Your Parent’s Shit Memes”

World Glad Rich Famous People Being Tested Before Frontline Health Workers

“THANK GOD, that’s one comfort during these sorrowful times,” exhaled the world, breathing a gargantuan sigh of relief as it read of the latest rich celebrity or business person being tested or diagnosed with Covid-19, at a time and in a country where frontline workers are not even being provided with tests. “Every day I… … Continue reading “World Glad Rich Famous People Being Tested Before Frontline Health Workers”

Russia Reports Huge Spike In Coronavirus Deaths Among Journalists

“FUCKERS just dropped dead” shrugged a spokesperson for the Russian government today, at a press conference outlining how 376 anti-Putin journalists, scholars and critics managed to contract Coronavirus and die within the space of 2 hours. The 376 deaths bring Russia’s total up to 377, with the state having previously recorded just one death out… … Continue reading “Russia Reports Huge Spike In Coronavirus Deaths Among Journalists”

Ireland Becomes Socialist Republic Overnight

WITH PRIVATE hospitals being taken into public ownership, increased welfare supports for the vast majority of the nation and a ban on evictions and the implementation of a rent freeze, Irish people are still trying to comprehend how they woke up today to find themselves in an idyllic socialist republic the leaders of the 1916… … Continue reading “Ireland Becomes Socialist Republic Overnight”

Man Makes Sure To Set Up Laptop In Front Of Bookcase Ahead Of Skype Meeting

WATERFORD self-isolater Derek Smithlan is ‘all set’ for his work-from-home Skype meeting with the rest of his team, having spent the morning making sure that his laptop faces a backdrop that looks like he’s a well-read man with loads of books. Having felt great shame earlier in the week during a Skype call with his… … Continue reading “Man Makes Sure To Set Up Laptop In Front Of Bookcase Ahead Of Skype Meeting”

Irish Drugs Cartel Announce Heroin Stimulus Package Amid Covid-19 Crisis

FOLLOWING the announcement that all restrictions due to the covid-19 crisis are to continue until the 19th of April, the Kinahan drugs cartel have made an announcement of their own. The corporation, which runs the majority of the nation’s drug supply, has launched a 12 tonne heroin stimulus package over the next year which should… … Continue reading “Irish Drugs Cartel Announce Heroin Stimulus Package Amid Covid-19 Crisis”

Eerie! Nostradamus Predicted People Making Up Nostradamus Predictions

A PREVIOUSLY undiscovered Nostradamus quatrain has detailed the rise of fake Nostradamus predictions which he said would mislead people into thinking that the 16th century seer foresaw events like the Coronavirus and toilet roll shortages, WWN can confirm. Michel de Nostredame, aka Nostradamus or Nostra to his mates, penned Les Prophéties, a collection of 942… … Continue reading “Eerie! Nostradamus Predicted People Making Up Nostradamus Predictions”

WHO Confirm You Picked Wrong Year To Quit Drinking

ALTHOUGH agreeing that your declaration that 2020 was ‘your year’ was a noble one, the World Health Organisation has stated that the current Coronavirus crisis has probably put the clamps on your plans to remain drug and alcohol free, as well as any notion that you might ‘run the marathon’ as well. Hundreds of thousands… … Continue reading “WHO Confirm You Picked Wrong Year To Quit Drinking”

No, Martin! Now’s Not The Time To Be Texting Your Ex-Fucking-Girlfriend!

THE suffocating blanket of dread placed over just about everyone during this Covid-19 pandemic has lead many people to reassess their careers, lives, how they treat loved ones and material things they laughably once considered important. However, Martin, it’s now not the time, actually it’s just about the most selfish and self-serving time to use… … Continue reading “No, Martin! Now’s Not The Time To Be Texting Your Ex-Fucking-Girlfriend!”

How To Make A Happy Meal Your Kids Will Think Came Straight From McDonalds!

CORONAVIRUS claimed its biggest casualty of this crisis so far yesterday, with the closure of McDonalds restaurants around the country for the foreseeable future. With access to mass-produced chicken & beef-based fried foods now curtailed, parents find themselves facing into self-isolation with their children for an undetermined amount of time without even their usual ‘be… … Continue reading “How To Make A Happy Meal Your Kids Will Think Came Straight From McDonalds!”

Group Of Adults Meeting Up Can’t Believe Group Of Teenagers Meeting Up

WHILE the vast majority of people have been doing their level best to adhere to the government’s advice on social distancing and only making essential journeys, certain groups have been on the end of intense criticism for their reckless and juvenile behaviour. Scarcely believing their eyes, eight members of the Dunmore Running Club gathered together… … Continue reading “Group Of Adults Meeting Up Can’t Believe Group Of Teenagers Meeting Up”

Personal Grooming In The Age Of Covid-19: How To Avoid Looking Like A Heap Of Shit

WITH EVERYWHERE in effective lockdown, barbers, hair stylists, nail technicians, brow threaders, waxers and tanning salons are no longer part of people’s everyday existence. If you’ve run out of tan, foundation, hair dye and every other item/service essential to your beauty and grooming regime, and the local supermarket is no help the days, weeks and… … Continue reading “Personal Grooming In The Age Of Covid-19: How To Avoid Looking Like A Heap Of Shit”

Signs You May Have Gone Mad While Self-Isolating

EVERYONE is doing their bit to retreat from their daily routines, minimising contact with other people and in cases of developing symptoms or coming into contact with someone who has; self-isolating. This can be a boring, stressful and anxious time or as it now been coined ‘borstresious’ time. If you are concerned that you’re going… … Continue reading “Signs You May Have Gone Mad While Self-Isolating”

Mother’s Day Extended Into Three Week Wine And Netflix ‘Mother’s Season’

SPECIAL laws have been put into place by the government to extend ‘Mother’s Day’ into a month-long event, much like the Queen’s Jubilee or Shark Week, WWN can confirm. With the current Coronavirus lockdown grounding families across the country, families have been ordered to pamper and praise their mammies on a daily basis until further… … Continue reading “Mother’s Day Extended Into Three Week Wine And Netflix ‘Mother’s Season’”

Weinstein To Be Streamed 24/7 While Suffering From Covid-19 To Boost Morale

WITH many people across the world in a constant state of fear and anxiety, a New York judge has ruled that footage of convicted rapist Harvey Weinstein suffering from the covid-19 virus will be streamed live in the hopes of lifting peoples spirits. Judge Taylor Woods granted the rights for a production team to film… … Continue reading “Weinstein To Be Streamed 24/7 While Suffering From Covid-19 To Boost Morale”

Teresa Mannion Attached To Megaphone With Responsibility For Enforcing Self-Isolation

AS AUTHORITIES note that large swathes of the country seem to be struggling with the idea of social distancing and self-isolation or outright ignoring the concepts, Ireland has released its most potent weapon against unnecessary journeys. Strapped atop of a vehicle, megaphone glued to hand and charged with roaming the streets to plead for complete… … Continue reading “Teresa Mannion Attached To Megaphone With Responsibility For Enforcing Self-Isolation”

Sky Sports Secure Rights To ‘Competitive Wanking Tournament’

BEREFT of traditional sport due to the cancellation of life as we know it, Sky Sports have secured a broadcasting deal that will be music to sports lovers’ ears the world over. The exclusive rights to the international online ‘competitive wanking tournament’ has set the company back €200 million but could become the most watched… … Continue reading “Sky Sports Secure Rights To ‘Competitive Wanking Tournament’”

“Keep Calm & Carry On” Johnson Tells Room Full Of Corpses

EVOKING the daring-do of the great generation that survived World War II, but won’t survive him, Britain’s PM Boris Johnson delivered an impassioned speech to a room of corpses which contracted and subsequently died from Covid-19. “Keep calm and carry on, ” Johnson bellowed, delighted with how the markets have ‘rallied’ and the pound has… … Continue reading ““Keep Calm & Carry On” Johnson Tells Room Full Of Corpses”

Dublin Canals Run Clear Amid Covid Lockdown Revealing Beautiful Shopping Trolleys, Handguns

MIRRORING incredible scenes in Venice, where tourist-free canals produced fantastic displays of marine life swimming freely in the now clear waters below, Dublin followed suit with some beautiful sights of its own. Vintage Quinnsworth shopping trolleys, bikes, discarded handguns and a treasure trove of relics from times gone by are now visible in the once… … Continue reading “Dublin Canals Run Clear Amid Covid Lockdown Revealing Beautiful Shopping Trolleys, Handguns”

“No Shifting Anyone”; Government’s New Emergency Covid-19 Laws In Full

THE swapping of spits, mouth jousting and gymnastic contortion of tongues have been temporarily outlawed in Ireland as part of a raft of emergency Coronavirus laws aimed at, among other things, reducing the spread and flattening the curve. Aside from much needed things like a temporary rent freeze and ban on evictions, the removal of… … Continue reading ““No Shifting Anyone”; Government’s New Emergency Covid-19 Laws In Full”

Finally! First Chinese Kids Return To Work In Apple Factories

THOSE searching for good news in these uncertain times should get a bit of relief from the news coming out of China today, almost all of tech giant Apple’s Chinese workforce has returned to productivity, including however many kids that are on the payroll. Most factories in China were forced to either shut down or… … Continue reading “Finally! First Chinese Kids Return To Work In Apple Factories”

“Not All Super Villains Have Cats” State Landlords In Rousing Speech

THE landlords of Ireland, considered by themselves to be among the hardest hit by the Coronavirus, needed a win. They needed guidance. They needed assurance. And they needed to know there was a light at the end of the tunnel. And with one impassioned 15-minute speech from the Landlords Association Of Ireland, they got it…. … Continue reading ““Not All Super Villains Have Cats” State Landlords In Rousing Speech”

“We’re Taking This Seriously” Johnson Confirms From Pub, 6 Pints In

“WE’RE making every effort to limit this spread, businesses will be supported, just practice social distancing,” confirmed UK PM Boris Johnson, who is now conducting all Covid-19 related emergency briefings down his local, The Winchester, such is his festering nonchalance. Acutely aware of how much of a positive impact his behaviour and communications could have… … Continue reading ““We’re Taking This Seriously” Johnson Confirms From Pub, 6 Pints In”

“Are You Fucking Happy Now?” Airlines Ask Greta Thunberg

CHIEFS of the world’s leading airlines have angrily lashed out at eco-crusading teenager Greta Thunberg over Covid-19, which has seen flights grounded worldwide and billions shaved off their stock value, WWN can report. Although the world remains on grave alert about the fate of humanity over the coming few months, reports are coming through that… … Continue reading ““Are You Fucking Happy Now?” Airlines Ask Greta Thunberg”

TV Licence Inspector Better Not Even Fucking Think About It

WITH the majority of the nation in a semi state lockdown, Irish citizens today warned any TV licence inspector to not even fucking think about calling to their doors, suggesting that there may be a few more deaths on the island that will not be the direct result of Covid-19. Citing awful television programming and… … Continue reading “TV Licence Inspector Better Not Even Fucking Think About It”

“Go Rev Matt Agat” Students Thank Government For Full Marks In Irish Oral Exams

THE DEPARTMENT of Education has this morning announced that Irish junior and leaving cert oral exams are to be cancelled with students receiving full marks in light of the unfolding Covid-19 threat, the move was greeted by wild celebrations from students and a big “you lucky little shits” from everyone else. “Go-rev-your-Ma’s-guts,” Irish students said… … Continue reading ““Go Rev Matt Agat” Students Thank Government For Full Marks In Irish Oral Exams”

Diary Of Someone With Covid-19 In Self-Isolation

DUBLIN man and Covid-19 contractor Danny Loughton was kind enough to share his experience with WWN. In his diary entries below, we gain a window into what it is like for someone to self-isolate and persevere: How it started: Myself and my three housemates all coughed at the exact same moment while sitting at the… … Continue reading “Diary Of Someone With Covid-19 In Self-Isolation”

The Trump Guide To Handling A Pandemic

THANKS to president Donald Trump America has moved from a status ‘this is a non-existent problem made up by the evil leftie socialists to scare the stock market’ two weeks ago to ‘here’s how to decide which child to eat first when you run out of food’ today. Any world leader looking to replicate the… … Continue reading “The Trump Guide To Handling A Pandemic”

Old Person Using Special Shopping Hours Revealed To Be Two Kids In Long Coat

EXTRA security is being put in place in supermarkets around the country after two Waterford youths attempted to avail of the special ‘Coronavirus elderly hours’ in their local shop via an elaborate old-person disguise. Staff at WonderValue, Tramore, became suspicious of the elderly man who was tottering about from left to right buying cans of… … Continue reading “Old Person Using Special Shopping Hours Revealed To Be Two Kids In Long Coat”

“I’m Not Just A Piece Of Meat”

WWN speaks exclusively to the man at the centre of so many WhatsApp group interactions and big mickey based tomfoolery, professional porn actor, Darius Clement. Clement speaks candidly about his newfound status as an internet meme and legend, and how he isn’t a piece of meat to be used as part of people’s funny internet… … Continue reading ““I’m Not Just A Piece Of Meat””

Local Eejits Told Now’s Really Not The Time

‘EEJITERY’, a beloved pastime of many an Irish person, is to cease across the board until further notice as part of Ireland’s emergency Covid-19 laws which will come into effect later this week and are aimed at helping to flatten the curve when it comes to the spread of the virus. Distinct from ‘having the… … Continue reading “Local Eejits Told Now’s Really Not The Time”

The Boris Johnson Guide To Handling A Pandemic

WITH the vast majority of leaders of countries currently battling the spread of the Covid-19 virus following all the World Health Organisation’s advice on testing, social distancing, self-isolating and quarantining, one man bravely an courageously said ‘I know better’. WWN is on hand to circulate Boris Johnson’s indispensable guide to letting people he deems dispensable… … Continue reading “The Boris Johnson Guide To Handling A Pandemic”

Saint Patrick Is Back To Banish Covid-19 & This Time He’s Pissed

WITH nothing but the sound of a lonely metal staff hitting the cobblestone streets of Temple Bar, a lonely grey haired figure muttered through the once bustling Dublin street, eyes as red as embers with the voice of a billion tortured souls. “Ah heor, what’s de bleedin’ story?” Patrick bellowed, his voice echoing off empty… … Continue reading “Saint Patrick Is Back To Banish Covid-19 & This Time He’s Pissed”

Sinn Feín ‘Totally OK’ With FF/FG Taking It From Here

SINN Feín officials have reacted to the news that Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael are closing in on an agreement for government with relief, with some hardened former IRA members ‘weeping openly for joy’ at the news. The country met today’s news that Leo Varadkar and Micheál Martin were preparing to announce a FF/FG coalition… … Continue reading “Sinn Feín ‘Totally OK’ With FF/FG Taking It From Here”

Grandparents Secretly Delighted They Can’t Mind Kids

GRANDPARENTS up and down the country have admitted to being secretly delighted with strict quarantine restrictions being implemented in a bid to combat the covid-19 virus, WWN can confirm. Usually the go-to babysitter of choice, parents of parents relished in the fact they could remain in solitude for months without ever having to take care… … Continue reading “Grandparents Secretly Delighted They Can’t Mind Kids”

Fact Check: Are You A Fucking Idiot For Sharing All Those Covid-19 WhatsApp Rumours?

LIKE other news agencies, WWN is dedicated to ensuring its readers and viewers get all the necessary and accurate information surrounding the Covid-19 virus. As part of this coverage, we will continue with our ‘Fact Check’ series which debunks false news stories and information. First up; are you a fucking idiot for sharing all those… … Continue reading “Fact Check: Are You A Fucking Idiot For Sharing All Those Covid-19 WhatsApp Rumours?”

“Wait, We Have THREE Of Them?”: Behind The Scenes Of Parents Working From Home

IN MANY COUNTRIES around the world people are being asked, advised and forced to work from home, and for some parents that means juggling a working day at home with a day at home with the kids. WWN speaks exclusively to a number of working-from-home Irish parents who share their stories: “Anna, I’m telling you… … Continue reading ““Wait, We Have THREE Of Them?”: Behind The Scenes Of Parents Working From Home”

Divorce Rates Skyrocket As Couples Forced Into Self-Isolation

A SPOKESPERSON for co-habiting couples around the world has said that precautionary self-isolation action needed to stave off the spread of Covid-19 could result in a cataclysmic rise in divorce rates if couples are forced to spend two solid weeks of uninterrupted exposure to their partners in a confined setting. “Please, oh God, there’s got… … Continue reading “Divorce Rates Skyrocket As Couples Forced Into Self-Isolation”