Afghanistan Must Be Out Of Oil, Concludes World

REMARKING on the news that US president Joe Biden intends to withdraw US troops from Afghanistan by the 20th anniversary of 9/11, clear-eyed observers concluded the Middle Eastern country must be out of oil, heroin or lucrative construction contracts. “Actually we went into Iraq for oil, completely different pointless never-ending war you ignorant idiots,” explained… … Continue reading “Afghanistan Must Be Out Of Oil, Concludes World”

Tension In Heaven As Prince Philip Describes Jesus As ‘Darker Than I Expected’

GOD has had to remind himself several times this week that he’s dealing with a very wealthy, very rich, very old individual in the case of Prince Philip, who wandered through the pearly gates on Friday wondering loudly ‘if Jesus had been on the sunbeds’. “Why do you think I left him on Earth for… … Continue reading “Tension In Heaven As Prince Philip Describes Jesus As ‘Darker Than I Expected’”

Myanmar Probably Going To Sort Itself Out, International Community Confirms

“MAYBE the military shut off the internet there to make it near impossible for people to spread word of massacres and violence… or maybe Myanmar is actually getting along famously and we can just ignore it all,” confirmed a statement from a who’s who of international leaders as incomprehensible violence is carried out against the… … Continue reading “Myanmar Probably Going To Sort Itself Out, International Community Confirms”

Welfare Recipients Warned Of Scam Where Dept. Of Social Protection Tell Them There’s Loads Of Jobs Out There

HAVING just been made aware of one ‘sophisticated’ scam involving people being asked for their bank details, those on welfare have been alerted to a second, more serious scam which reportedly involves the Department of Social Welfare telling people there’s plenty of jobs out there. “Whether it’s someone on jobseekers or even on the PUP,… … Continue reading “Welfare Recipients Warned Of Scam Where Dept. Of Social Protection Tell Them There’s Loads Of Jobs Out There”

“Just Checking Back In To See If Everyone’s Forgotten About The Pig Fucking Thing”

“HI, I’M just weighing up re-entering public life in a big way, and sort of, I suppose, canvassing opinion… is the pig-fuckery still very much a ‘David Cameron’ association? “I’m not implying that if it is a case of ‘oh Davey Cameron, isn’t that Lord Pigfucker?’ it would somehow put an end to my reemerging,… … Continue reading ““Just Checking Back In To See If Everyone’s Forgotten About The Pig Fucking Thing””

Tension In Heaven As Prince Philip Describes Jesus As ‘Darker Than I Expected’

GOD has had to remind himself several times this week that he’s dealing with a very wealthy, very rich, very old individual in the case of Prince Philip, who wandered through the pearly gates on Friday wondering loudly ‘if Jesus had been on the sunbeds’. “Why do you think I left him on Earth for… … Continue reading “Tension In Heaven As Prince Philip Describes Jesus As ‘Darker Than I Expected’”

Welfare Recipients Warned Of Scam Where Dept. Of Social Protection Tell Them There’s Loads Of Jobs Out There

HAVING just been made aware of one ‘sophisticated’ scam involving people being asked for their bank details, those on welfare have been alerted to a second, more serious scam which reportedly involves the Department of Social Welfare telling people there’s plenty of jobs out there. “Whether it’s someone on jobseekers or even on the PUP,… … Continue reading “Welfare Recipients Warned Of Scam Where Dept. Of Social Protection Tell Them There’s Loads Of Jobs Out There”

“Just Checking Back In To See If Everyone’s Forgotten About The Pig Fucking Thing”

“HI, I’M just weighing up re-entering public life in a big way, and sort of, I suppose, canvassing opinion… is the pig-fuckery still very much a ‘David Cameron’ association? “I’m not implying that if it is a case of ‘oh Davey Cameron, isn’t that Lord Pigfucker?’ it would somehow put an end to my reemerging,… … Continue reading ““Just Checking Back In To See If Everyone’s Forgotten About The Pig Fucking Thing””

How To ‘Solve’ Northern Ireland, According To This Dubliner

FRESH from recent ‘disturbances’ in Loyalist communities ‘up north’ WWN’s resident self-appointed Northern Ireland expert, Dublin native Paddy Fenton, believes he has unearthed easy remedies to the interminable problem that is Northern Ireland. “Oh what are they like,” teased Fenton, grinning the sort of grin only a man who has ‘solved’ Northern Ireland could. “I’m… … Continue reading “How To ‘Solve’ Northern Ireland, According To This Dubliner”

“Old Football Injury” Confirms Man Who Slipped In Shower Mid Wank

“OH the limp? No, no, I’ve always had it. Old football injury,” insisted local man Mark Farrell under polite inquiry from concerned friends who couldn’t help but notice his constant grimacing amid the carrying out of basic bodily movements. Attempting to make his off-the-cuff excuse, designed to mask the fact he slipped in the shower… … Continue reading ““Old Football Injury” Confirms Man Who Slipped In Shower Mid Wank”

Biden’s Dog Reminded He’s Only Supposed To Bite Republicans

US PRESIDENT Joe Biden’s German Shepard Major is to undergo an intensive training regime to get him out of his biting habit, or at least to help ensure he bites the right people from now on. First Dog Major had his chain yanked again this week after helping himself to the hand of a Secret… … Continue reading “Biden’s Dog Reminded He’s Only Supposed To Bite Republicans”

Man Wanted By FBI For Questioning Takes Questions About His Dad From UK Media Instead

THERE WERE peculiar scenes in the UK in addition to The Great British Mourn-off as Prince Andrew, known for his close association with deceased human trafficker and sex abuser Jeffrey Epstein, presented himself for questioning to the UK media and not the FBI. “My father was a lovely chap,” confirmed Andrew in an interview not… … Continue reading “Man Wanted By FBI For Questioning Takes Questions About His Dad From UK Media Instead”

Emotional Parents Welcome Arrival Of Third iPad

WITH tears in their exhausted but elated eyes, Waterford couple Ciaran and Sharon Whallin have brought home a bright, bouncing new iPad weighing just under 500g to their kids, to add to the two tablets that they already have. “People say we’ll have our work cut out for us downloading apps and updating things, but… … Continue reading “Emotional Parents Welcome Arrival Of Third iPad”

Party Scenes Show What Ireland Could Have If We Had A Leader As Competent As Boris Johnson

JUBILANT scenes evidenced around England yesterday have brought forth a bitterness in Irish people not seen since Katrina & The Waves scooped Eurovision glory for Britain in Dublin in 1997, WWN can report. “Hundred of thousands of vaccinated people out enjoying pints in the late evening sun, while we’re over here drinking tea and watching… … Continue reading “Party Scenes Show What Ireland Could Have If We Had A Leader As Competent As Boris Johnson”

AstraZeneca No Longer Recommended For Davids Under 50 Born On A Wednesday

FIRST plagued by issues with the delivery of the AstraZeneca vaccines, now the subsequent decision by the NIAC to no longer recommend its use for any David under 50 born on a Wednesday can be added to its list of teething problems. “Now this only applies to Davids whose middle name begins with an ‘S’,”… … Continue reading “AstraZeneca No Longer Recommended For Davids Under 50 Born On A Wednesday”

‘Reeling In The Years’ Viewers Shocked At How Docile Irish Nation Was

VIEWERS watching the new season of Reeling In The Years last night were said to be left flabbergasted at how docile and subservient the Irish people once were, leaving many disappointed with how a generation dealt with the situation all round. “Imagine handing over your entire country to a handful of people to run it… … Continue reading “‘Reeling In The Years’ Viewers Shocked At How Docile Irish Nation Was”

Lad In 5 Series Pretending He’s A Drug Dealer Or Something

A LOCAL lad driving around in a ’08 blacked out BMW 5 series thinks he’s some kind of drug dealer, WWN has learned. The man, in his early to mid 20s, has been seen driving aimlessly around his local town acting suspiciously, despite having no real connections to the underworld drug scene or any real… … Continue reading “Lad In 5 Series Pretending He’s A Drug Dealer Or Something”

Stephen Donnelly Is Sad The Health Dept. Don’t Mention Him In Tweets So We Wrote This Article For Him

EXCLUSIVE reports in the Irish Times reveal that the Minister for Health launched an analysis of his department’s Twitter account owing to the fact it made few references to him. Taking up the slack on behalf of the Department of Health who has failed to fulfill the emotional needs of its minister, WWN has crafted… … Continue reading “Stephen Donnelly Is Sad The Health Dept. Don’t Mention Him In Tweets So We Wrote This Article For Him”

Stop Moving The Fucking Eggs, Supermarkets Told

A COLLECTIVE of shoppers from around the world have today published an open letter to supermarkets in a bid to stop them constantly moving eggs and other vital produce around their stores, forcing shoppers to lose countless hours of their lives. The letter, entitled ‘Stop Moving The Fucking Eggs’, called out big brands for the… … Continue reading “Stop Moving The Fucking Eggs, Supermarkets Told”

Mourinho Confirms He’s Still The Man To Grind The Joy Out Of Spurs Fans Lives

JOSE MOURINHO remained bullish about his ability to continue managing Spurs after their latest loss stating he is still the man to heap continued misery on the lives of the Spurs faithful. “I will not walk out on this team or these fans, I’m not trapped in a bad run of form, no, the fans… … Continue reading “Mourinho Confirms He’s Still The Man To Grind The Joy Out Of Spurs Fans Lives”

Government Ease Restrictions Weeks After Public

CONTINUING their commitment to being weeks if not months behind every expert and average person when it comes to taking necessary action on Covid related matters, the government have today eased a number of Level 5 restrictions much to the delight of sections of the public who did the same weeks ago. “Yeah I even… … Continue reading “Government Ease Restrictions Weeks After Public”

Collison Brother Arrested After Stabbing Forbes Journalist

A FORBES journalist is said to be in a stable condition in hospital after reportedly receiving several stab wounds outside his home after being attacked by billionaire Stripe founder Patrick Collison in a frenzied attack, which according to Forbes is a very run of the mill occurrence in war torn Limerick. Stephen McBride, a contributor… … Continue reading “Collison Brother Arrested After Stabbing Forbes Journalist”

Dad Wouldn’t Have Started This If He Knew It’d Turn Into An ‘Again, Again’ Situation

LOCAL father Cian Fanning has placed his regret on record following the implementation of a fun game which has received rave reviews of ‘again, again’ from his son Tom. “Ah shite, he’s the stamina of a marathon runner and loves repeats more than a daytime TV schedule,” Cian said, cursing himself for chucking Tom in… … Continue reading “Dad Wouldn’t Have Started This If He Knew It’d Turn Into An ‘Again, Again’ Situation”

Greek Immigrant Who Lived Off Welfare Dies In England

ONE of England’s most notorious welfare cheats has died at the age of 99, WWN can report. Hailed as hero among the welfare cheating classes of Britain, it is believe the Greek born welfare king has made millions out of his schemes and funded his lavish lifestyle which included castles, yachts and cars, all on… … Continue reading “Greek Immigrant Who Lived Off Welfare Dies In England”

Fears Iran-Backed ‘Hashed Al-Shaabi’ Radicalised By Wallace & Daly After Visit

A CONTROVERSIAL visit by Irish MEPs Clare Daly and Mick Wallace to the Middle East has raised fears locally in Iraq that Hashed al-Shaabi, a group labeled as Iran-backed terrorists by some, have been radicalised by the MEPs. “It’s doing my head in, the lads have completely abandoned shooting practice and just spend their day… … Continue reading “Fears Iran-Backed ‘Hashed Al-Shaabi’ Radicalised By Wallace & Daly After Visit”

Fears Iran-Backed ‘Hashed Al-Shaabi’ Radicalised By Wallace & Daly After Visit

A CONTROVERSIAL visit by Irish MEPs Clare Daly and Mick Wallace to the Middle East has raised fears locally in Iraq that Hashed al-Shaabi, a group labeled as Iran-backed terrorists by some, have been radicalised by the MEPs. “It’s doing my head in, the lads have completely abandoned shooting practice and just spend their day… … Continue reading “Fears Iran-Backed ‘Hashed Al-Shaabi’ Radicalised By Wallace & Daly After Visit”

Greek Immigrant Who Lived Off Welfare Dies In England

ONE of England’s most notorious welfare cheats has died at the age of 99, WWN can report. Hailed as hero among the welfare cheating classes of Britain, it is believe the Greek born welfare king has made millions out of his schemes and funded his lavish lifestyle which included castles, yachts and cars, all on… … Continue reading “Greek Immigrant Who Lived Off Welfare Dies In England”

Loyalists Just A Few Petrol Bombs Away From Having Existence Acknowledged By Rest Of UK

THERE was a real sense of excitement in the air today as Loyalist groups believed they were just a few more petrol bombs away from having their existence acknowledged by those in the UK who have absolutely no idea what Northern Ireland is. “D’ye know what way they plan on doing it? Is it Boris… … Continue reading “Loyalists Just A Few Petrol Bombs Away From Having Existence Acknowledged By Rest Of UK”

Local Environmentalist All For Wind Farms As Long As They’re Erected Somewhere Else

CONTRADICTING years of her own social media comments, tweets and sharing of dozens of energy efficient articles highlighting the benefits of wind turbines, local woman and ‘environmentalist’ Sinead Crawley failed to see the irony of her latest quest to halt a local wind farm from being erected, WWN can report. Echoing the vast array of… … Continue reading “Local Environmentalist All For Wind Farms As Long As They’re Erected Somewhere Else”

Local Man Not Sure Which Of Girlfriend’s Shampoos He Should Use

CURRENTLY-soaked Waterford man Liam Hennelly has again left it too late to ask his girlfriend which of the nine different shampoos available in her shower are okay for him to use. “Fuck, which one did she give out to me last time for using?” sighed Hennelly, in his girlfriend Ellen O’Mallan’s shower cubicle after staying… … Continue reading “Local Man Not Sure Which Of Girlfriend’s Shampoos He Should Use”

“Such A Shame This Is Happening” Says Foster Hiding Petrol Bomb Behind Back

HER CLOTHES stinking of acrid smoke and some excess fuel on her hands visibly glistening in the light, Arlene Foster appealed for calm following a 6th night of rioting and attacks perpetrated by loyalist thugs. “She said the exact same thing in her behind closed doors meeting with Loyalist paramilitaries weeks ago, I’d show you… … Continue reading ““Such A Shame This Is Happening” Says Foster Hiding Petrol Bomb Behind Back”

Poll: What’s The Fair Punishment For Those Absconding From Hotel Quarantine?

ABSCONDING, refusing to even go to the hotel itself or simply flying in from Covid ravaged France which doesn’t require you to quarantine as part of the current system, whatever the type of error committed by an inbound traveller one thing is certain; they deserve everything that’s coming to them. WWN, in conjunction with the… … Continue reading “Poll: What’s The Fair Punishment For Those Absconding From Hotel Quarantine?”