Old Bully From School On Facebook Promoting Pyramid Scheme

WWN CAN exclusively report that a large number of former school bullies appear to be either wittingly or unwittingly engaged in pyramid schemes, if they’re recent, desperate social media postings are anything to go by. Early research suggests 95% of people who made your life utter hell in school are actively talking up the benefits… … Continue reading “Old Bully From School On Facebook Promoting Pyramid Scheme”

Irish Farmer Launches New Line Of Burgers Made From 100% Vegan

AS MODERN Irish farming continues to adapt and evolve to its impact on the planet, one enterprising Waterford beef farmer is causing a stir with his new farming venture. “You’ll hear people saying ‘ah but it probably doesn’t taste like real beef’, but honestly, they’re as succulent as anything, if a little on the lean… … Continue reading “Irish Farmer Launches New Line Of Burgers Made From 100% Vegan”

Final US Presidential Debate To Be Done In Mime

WITH NEWS that US presidential debate organisers plan on muting candidates’ microphones whenever there’s an interruption, it has now been confirmed that the final debate will as a result take place entirely through the art form of mime. “We could sit here and pretend like Agent Orange isn’t going to just interrupt for 90 minutes… … Continue reading “Final US Presidential Debate To Be Done In Mime”

Man From The Future Reassures Ireland ‘You Get Used To It After Lockdown 27.0’

A HAGGARD man with matted hair, jaundiced skin and a pronounced paunch, who claims to be from the future, has soothed the nation by claiming that after the 27th or so lockdown you sort of get used to it. “I haven’t traveled back in time to give a stark warning or urge a drastic change… … Continue reading “Man From The Future Reassures Ireland ‘You Get Used To It After Lockdown 27.0’”

Panic Shopping: Why You Don’t Have Time To Read This

WITH mere hours to go until the country enters Lockdown 2: Lockdown Harder, only a fool would be absentmindedly browsing the internet on their phone, engaging in frippery such as article reading and social media; it’s time to purchase, purchase, purchase! Even as we speak, as you read these words, thousands of consumers are descending… … Continue reading “Panic Shopping: Why You Don’t Have Time To Read This”

Local Woman Names Paul Mescal, Jamie Dornan & Cillian Murphy In Her ‘Social Bubble’

ONE LOCAL woman was straight out of the traps this morning in a bid to secure her new ‘social bubble’ as the country stares down entering Lockdown 2.0. Sarah Heffin, 29, single and living alone, meets the criteria of someone who is allowed nominate a ‘social bubble’ to stave off loneliness and isolation amid a… … Continue reading “Local Woman Names Paul Mescal, Jamie Dornan & Cillian Murphy In Her ‘Social Bubble’”

“Lockdown Crucial If We Want To Go Absolutely Fuckin’ Mental Over The Christmas” Confirms Taoiseach

CLARIFYING some elements of his speech to the nation last night, Taoiseach Micheál Martin confirmed that the next six weeks of lockdown have to go well if ‘we are to all go absolutely, balls-to-wall Irish-style mental over the Christmas’. “Horsing pints down your gullet like it was a Covid-19 vaccine while your head is squeezed… … Continue reading ““Lockdown Crucial If We Want To Go Absolutely Fuckin’ Mental Over The Christmas” Confirms Taoiseach”

Things To Punch Out Of Utter Frustration

PUNCHING inanimate objects is a great way of immediately channelling stress and defusing it in a quick and honourable fashion. Here are some items we’ve compiled which may help you through any difficult news this evening, whatever that may be. The hole in the wall you made back in early April for a similar reason,… … Continue reading “Things To Punch Out Of Utter Frustration”

“Sorry, Only Seeing This Now…” Government Finally Text NPHET Back After Recommending Level 5 Restrictions 2 Weeks Ago

THE IRISH government is set to place the country into Level 5 for six weeks, as a result of finally getting around to reading a text message NPHET sent two weeks ago, in which it urged such immediate action in a bid to reverse the worrying increase in Covid-19 cases. “Only seeing this now,” Micheál… … Continue reading ““Sorry, Only Seeing This Now…” Government Finally Text NPHET Back After Recommending Level 5 Restrictions 2 Weeks Ago”

Irish Couple’s Gender Reveal Party Cancelled Following Calls To ‘Cop On’

A MORTIFYING disaster of epic, reputation ruining proportions was avoided by a Waterford couple after friends and family intervened to successfully reason with them, WWN can reveal. Sarah and Michael Corkley (both 26) had circulated the idea they intended to have a ‘gender reveal party’ following the happy news Sarah was pregnant with the couple’s… … Continue reading “Irish Couple’s Gender Reveal Party Cancelled Following Calls To ‘Cop On’”

‘Illegal Immigrant’ Vs ‘Undocumented Irish’: The Differences Explained

WITH NEWS that candidate for US presidency Joe Biden has put his weight behind a campaign promise to resolve the citizenship of the ‘undocumented Irish’ living in America, fresh spotlight has been shone on the term and just how it differs from ‘illegal immigrant’. In a bid to provide the necessary clarifications and specific distinctions,… … Continue reading “‘Illegal Immigrant’ Vs ‘Undocumented Irish’: The Differences Explained”

All The Glitz & Glamour From The Red Carpet At The Latest Government Restrictions Announcement

NOW that it’s a high profile event occurring almost every few days and covered extensively by the media, more and more celebrities are trying to turn out for in their droves to be pictured on the red carpet at the government’s latest glitzy fresh restrictions announcement. The great and the good, the bold and the… … Continue reading “All The Glitz & Glamour From The Red Carpet At The Latest Government Restrictions Announcement”

Divers Find Dolphin Mass Grave In Dingle

DIVERS searching for Fungi the dolphin in Dingle have discovered a ‘mass grave’ site underwater where an estimated 20-30 seperate remains have been found, WWN has learned. The graves, marked with the name Fungi followed by a number and year of death, are believed to have been the final resting places of a series of… … Continue reading “Divers Find Dolphin Mass Grave In Dingle”

BREAKING: Mammy Needs Some Wine

RESIDENTS of the O’Riordan household in Mallow county Cork have been advised that mother of the house, Tina O’Riordan, needs some wine, WWN has learned. The statement, issued at around 7pm this evening, was short and concise, yet managed to convey her message without any retort from her immediate family. “Mammy needs some wine,” gave… … Continue reading “BREAKING: Mammy Needs Some Wine”

Man Suffers Punishment Beating After Suggesting Zoom Quiz

A MAN in his mid-thirties is said to be in a serious but stable condition in Waterford hospital tonight after a group of up to twenty of his co-workers barged into his apartment and kicked the absolutle living shit out of him for inviting everyone for ‘some Zoom fun’ at the weekend. Arthur Carlon, 35,… … Continue reading “Man Suffers Punishment Beating After Suggesting Zoom Quiz”

Rollie Smoker Treats Himself To Pack Of Real Fags

“IT’S like a little present to myself,” said Waterford man Kenneth Muldoon, unwrapping a pack of Marlboro cigarettes like a child on Christmas morning. Muldoon, 23, is a regular smoker but is limited to smoking hand-rolled cigarettes due to also being too broke to afford ‘real fags’, most all the time. Resorting to ‘making do’… … Continue reading “Rollie Smoker Treats Himself To Pack Of Real Fags”

Deranged Delaney Launches ‘Provisional FAI’

APPARENTLY not reacting well to the news that Jonathan Hill has been named the new, permanent CEO of the FAI, a man, who is clearly John Delaney wearing a balaclava and delivering an official statement in a poorly decorated spare room, has announced the formation of the ‘Provisional FAI’. “We in the Provisional FAI cannot… … Continue reading “Deranged Delaney Launches ‘Provisional FAI’”

Trump Plan To Defeat Biden Lifted Almost Entirely From Plot Of Tango & Cash

“BIDEN and Harris, Harris and Biden” fumed Donald Trump in the back of a stretch limo, driving away from the scene of another opinion poll which saw the Democratic pair make even more ground on their quest to break up his empire. “If it’s not Biden it’s Harris, if it’s not Harris it’s Biden. These… … Continue reading “Trump Plan To Defeat Biden Lifted Almost Entirely From Plot Of Tango & Cash”

Thousands Of Covid Cases Could Be Avoided By Giving Dublin Six-In-A-Row, Explains Dublin

WEEKS of uncertainty and a potential ‘landslide’ of case numbers, hospitalisations and deaths could all ‘simply disappear’ if Dublin were to be granted victory in the 2020 GAA Senior football championship, the nation has been informed. A spokesperson for the Dublin senior team has said they’re perfectly happy to invite county after county to the… … Continue reading “Thousands Of Covid Cases Could Be Avoided By Giving Dublin Six-In-A-Row, Explains Dublin”

Great, Fucking Milk Trying To Kill Us Now

THE IRISH people have let out an exasperated sigh of ‘great, that’s all we bloody need’ after competing news stories emerged in the media about how the country’s beloved velvet dairy water is turning against us, possibly trying to kill us. First there was the troubling news that two children received compensation in court from… … Continue reading “Great, Fucking Milk Trying To Kill Us Now”

Local Man Cancels Workout Due To Uncharged AirPods

A COUNTY Waterford gym has issued a notice today asking members to charge their music devices before their scheduled gym appointments following one of several cancellations citing uncharged airpods, WWN has learned. “What’s the fucking point if I can’t listen to tunes?” defended MeatHeads Gym member, Derek Stapleton, who only realised his airpods weren’t charged… … Continue reading “Local Man Cancels Workout Due To Uncharged AirPods”

COYBIG Downgraded To CO,YBIG

THE acronym commonly associated with the Irish soccer team is to be re-worked a little in light of another soul-sapping defeat, going from an exuberant expression of joy to a plea for something… just something, anything.’ “So we’re migrating from ‘Come on you boys in green’ to something more along the lines of ‘Come on,… … Continue reading “COYBIG Downgraded To CO,YBIG”

Finding A Cave & Hibernating Until This Shit Is All Over, A Guide

TAKING the very blatant hints from the year 2020 that it is, in its final months, still passionate about remaining a hellish write off that pours petrol and lights a match on the last remaining bit of sanity you possess, people are now turning to hibernation as a means to ‘ride this shit out’. Animals… … Continue reading “Finding A Cave & Hibernating Until This Shit Is All Over, A Guide”

We Visit The 7km Deep Vault Surrounded By Lava That The Government Will Seal Baby Home Records In

WITH campaigners calling on the government to not lock away records into Mother and Baby Homes, WWN goes subterranean to the 7km deep vault where the controversial documents will be kept sealed for the next 30 years after posing as elderly nuns who just wanted to burn some documents that were of ‘no importance’. Excavated… … Continue reading “We Visit The 7km Deep Vault Surrounded By Lava That The Government Will Seal Baby Home Records In”

Irish Insurance Industry Labeled Terrorist Organisation

IN A SIGN that it has ramped up its evil deeds, Irish consumers and business owners have been left with no other choice but to designate the diabolical Irish insurance industry a terrorist organisation, with several businesses having to take insurers to court in a bid to have insurers honour their commitments in providing some… … Continue reading “Irish Insurance Industry Labeled Terrorist Organisation”

Irish Person Abroad Signs Up For US Military In Bid To Fly Home To Shannon This Christmas

MISSOURI-BASED Waterford man Declan Smithfield’s foolproof plan to piggyback a US Military cargo flight to the Middle East and ‘hop off’ at Shannon Airport during refueling is going smoothly, providing he passes his basic training course at Fort Bragg, WWN can report. Pre-empting the closure of all Irish airports due to Covid-19 this Christmas, software… … Continue reading “Irish Person Abroad Signs Up For US Military In Bid To Fly Home To Shannon This Christmas”

List Of Black People Supporting Trump Holds Steady At Kanye, Cosby, Ghost Of Herman Cain

THE decision by Twitter to delete thousands of fake accounts purporting to be black Trump supporters has not deterred the current US president from insisting that he has a huge following among the black community; even if the numbers point to five, maybe ten people tops. “It’s getting a little ‘Where’s Wally’ out there” said… … Continue reading “List Of Black People Supporting Trump Holds Steady At Kanye, Cosby, Ghost Of Herman Cain”

Woulfe Just Acting The Bollocks At This Stage

THE citizens of Ireland have admitted that they’re finding it increasingly difficult to stay mad at Mr. Justice Seamus Woulfe, as his continuous avoidance of any sort of fallout from Golfgate has granted him an endearing ‘cheeky rascal’ quality that’s quite hard to hate. “It’s hard to describe someone in his position as ‘an underdog’,… … Continue reading “Woulfe Just Acting The Bollocks At This Stage”

Teacher With 35 Kids In Class Delighted To Hear Class Sizes Will Be Reduced From 25 To 24

CLAIMS made by the Government that education funding in Budget 2021 will see the average size of primary schools classes reduced by one to 24 pupils per class, is welcome if confusing news for Galway native and teacher in an overcrowded classroom of 35 adorable little shits that’d test the patience of a saint, Marie… … Continue reading “Teacher With 35 Kids In Class Delighted To Hear Class Sizes Will Be Reduced From 25 To 24”

Everything You Need To Know About Amy Coney Barrett

THE 48-YEAR-OLD judge is currently undergoing a grilling by the US Senate in her confirmation hearing for the US Supreme Court, here’s everything you need to know about Amy Coney Barrett: – Of strict Catholic faith and belonging to a conservative and clandestine religious group, believes life begins at point of ejaculation. – First time… … Continue reading “Everything You Need To Know About Amy Coney Barrett”

How Restrictions In The North Will Affect Your Plans To Head On The Lash In Newry

WITH a wave of fresh Coronavirus restrictions sweeping into Northern Ireland following a worrying spike in cases over the last few weeks, many southerners have begun to worry about how this will impinge on their trips across the border for reasons ranging from nights out, to buying big boxes of Daz from a lad in… … Continue reading “How Restrictions In The North Will Affect Your Plans To Head On The Lash In Newry”

Delighted Nation Wakes Up To Piles Of Cash Under Pillows After Budget

AN ECSTATIC nation are already feeling the positive effects of yesterday’s bumper budget which took aim at avoiding the economic sledgehammer to the testicles that is Brexit and Covid-19, with every single citizen waking up this morning to discover magical piles of cash under their pillows. “Ah lads, stop, you’re too kind,” said one Irish… … Continue reading “Delighted Nation Wakes Up To Piles Of Cash Under Pillows After Budget”

Nation Agrees To Let Grandchildren Pay For All This

THE aging population that currently resides within the Republic of Ireland has humbly accepted the precarious financial prognosis for the nation, which will likely see huge budgetary deficits incurred paid off down the line by their grandchildren. “Ah, I think billions in future income tax increase is a fair trade for the odd tenner I… … Continue reading “Nation Agrees To Let Grandchildren Pay For All This”

Second Inquiry Into How Nursing Homes Will Be Failed A Second Time Needed Before First Inquiry Starts

FEARS are increasing that there will be a need for a second, separate inquiry into authorities’ failure to prevent Covid-19 clusters in nursing homes when it almost inevitably occurs a second time, even though the inquiry into how it happened the first time has yet to start. “Feck sake, not another possibly avoidable batch of… … Continue reading “Second Inquiry Into How Nursing Homes Will Be Failed A Second Time Needed Before First Inquiry Starts”

The iPhone 12: Here’s What’s Changed

IN an unprecedented move set to send shockwaves through the very fabric of space and time, Apple are set to announce a new iteration of their iPhone later today, with speculation running rampant as to what this means for those of us who rely on the device for our daily dose of self-worth. Although the… … Continue reading “The iPhone 12: Here’s What’s Changed”

Local Woman Would Rather Give Birth Out Her Arsehole Than Ever Have To Look At Trump Again

TRYING her best to sum up the intense, visceral disdain she has for US president Donald Trump, local woman Rebecca O’Brien confirmed she would rather give birth out her arsehole than ever look at that ‘obese oompa loompa prick’ again. With coverage of Trump on news stations increasing as the 2020 US election date draws… … Continue reading “Local Woman Would Rather Give Birth Out Her Arsehole Than Ever Have To Look At Trump Again”

Outrage As Britain Claim Idiotic ‘Substantial Meal In Pub’ Idea As British

THE BRITS are ‘at it’ again! This time, the Tory government are claiming the idiotic Irish idea of deciding Covid-19 can’t spread in a pub serving a ‘substantial meal’ as an original British idea. Just one of several European nations struggling to grapple with a worrying deterioration in their Covid-19 situation, Boris Johnson’s government is… … Continue reading “Outrage As Britain Claim Idiotic ‘Substantial Meal In Pub’ Idea As British”

Budget 2021 To Begin With Homeless Sacrifice To The Multinational Gods

AHEAD of today’s budget announcement, WWN is one of just 4,087 news outlets to have the contents of the budget leaked to them and we’re happy to share the details with our readers below: Keeping with tradition, the budget will start with a homeless person being sacrificed to the Multinational Gods in Dublin’s docklands. Opening… … Continue reading “Budget 2021 To Begin With Homeless Sacrifice To The Multinational Gods”

“I Did Warn Him” Man Stabbed For Calling Into Friend After 9pm

WATERFORD District Court has heard that the stabbing of a 34-year-old man in the city centre last year was ‘unpreventable’ after the victim called to the defendant’s home at 9.45pm, without so much as a text or call. Solicitor Eamon Mahoney stated that long-time friend of Dermot Hantigan, James Martin, ‘cold called’ his client by… … Continue reading ““I Did Warn Him” Man Stabbed For Calling Into Friend After 9pm”

Delicate Little Petal Needs A Few Beers After Minor Stress

A POOR sensitive little flower petal has tonight vowed enough is enough in regards to his midweek sobriety after a minor altercation with a family member forced his hand into buying six of his favourite beers, all in the hopes of quelling a minor stressful experience, WWN has learned. This, his 12th excuse since promising… … Continue reading “Delicate Little Petal Needs A Few Beers After Minor Stress”

The Second Trump-Biden Debate Has Been Cancelled, But Here’s How It Would Have Gone

THE October 15th ‘virtual debate’ between President Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Joe Biden has been called off after Trump refused to participate; but by using sophisticated AI, we’ve been able to create a near-flawless rendition of what would have went down. We forced a specially-programmed bot to consume hours of Trump’s 2016 debates and… … Continue reading “The Second Trump-Biden Debate Has Been Cancelled, But Here’s How It Would Have Gone”

Government Avoids PPE Shortage By Collecting Masks Dumped On Road

THE HSE are confident that their supplies of personal protection equipment will ‘hold firm’ over the treacherous winter months ahead, after investing in a number of litter-picker-upper tools and a big box of Daz. “Walk around any town, any hedgerow, any lane; masks are more plentiful than blackberries. Some people are just throwing them away!”… … Continue reading “Government Avoids PPE Shortage By Collecting Masks Dumped On Road”

‘Man With Temperature And Sore Throat’ And Other Costumes You Can Expect This Halloween

ALTHOUGH nobody has called for the cancellation of Halloween just yet, it’s becoming more apparent that this year’s spooky festivities will be very different from years gone by. The new wave of medical terrors we’re living through are far scarier that any witch or horrifically-burned paedophile dream demon, so here’s a few costumes that you… … Continue reading “‘Man With Temperature And Sore Throat’ And Other Costumes You Can Expect This Halloween”

Government Denying ‘Circuit Break’ Lockdown Surest Sign Yet We’ll Have ‘Circuit Break’ Lockdown

WITH THE Taoiseach pouring cold water on the Tánaiste’s suggestion that Ireland could go into a ‘circuit break’ short and sharp lockdown, the Irish public have immediately resigned themselves to lockdown 2.0 becoming a reality imminently. “Say no more, lockdown it is, ” responded the public when told by the government that a lockdown was… … Continue reading “Government Denying ‘Circuit Break’ Lockdown Surest Sign Yet We’ll Have ‘Circuit Break’ Lockdown”

‘I’ve A Friend Getting A Bit Of Smoke Later If Ya Want To Chip In On It’, Confirms Waterford Lad

A WATERFORD city resident said today that he has a friend getting a bit of smoke later if you want to chip in on it, WWN has learned. Jayo Lonergan told WWN earlier that his friend will finish work around 5pm before making his way home on the bus and he expects his friend to… … Continue reading “‘I’ve A Friend Getting A Bit Of Smoke Later If Ya Want To Chip In On It’, Confirms Waterford Lad”

“You Can Fucking Keep It”: Martin Dramatically Hands Taoiseach Role Back To Varadkar

THE government’s ‘revolving Taoiseach’ arrangement has spun its first revolution, with Micheál Martin now ‘more than willing’ to hand it back over to Leo Varadkar, after a tumultuous few months in power which has averaged a damaging cock up every six minutes. “I honestly didn’t think he’d last this long” smirked Varadkar, reading an email… … Continue reading ““You Can Fucking Keep It”: Martin Dramatically Hands Taoiseach Role Back To Varadkar”

Local Man Decides To Squint For Rest Of His Life Instead Of Getting Glasses

DENYING all accusations that he is being stubborn and obstinate, one local Waterford man has vowed to condemn himself to a life of strained squinting instead of getting his eyes tested, WWN can reveal. Cormac Carton (53) has in recent years felt a serious decline in his vision, finding it increasingly hard to see things… … Continue reading “Local Man Decides To Squint For Rest Of His Life Instead Of Getting Glasses”

Local Woman Wouldn’t Have Married Husband If She’d Known How Loud He Typed

“I suppose this is what they meant by ‘for better or worse’” sighed Waterford woman Erin Sheerin, trying her best to get a bit of her own work done by blocking out the noise of her husband Dylan hammering at his computer keyboard like it owed him money. “But I swear, if I’d known that… … Continue reading “Local Woman Wouldn’t Have Married Husband If She’d Known How Loud He Typed”

Pulling Out Of The Pull-Out Method: How These Brave Irish Men Copped The Fuck On

THE TRIED and tested contraceptive method beloved by Irish men for centuries is under fresh scrutiny after women have confirmed ‘enough with this bullshit’, GASH can confirm. “What’s that?” responded 90% of Irish men recently surveyed about the existence of condoms. “But it doesn’t feel as good,” they added despite claiming to have never heard… … Continue reading “Pulling Out Of The Pull-Out Method: How These Brave Irish Men Copped The Fuck On”

These Are The Level 3 Fines The Government Are Considering

WITH THE news the government is looking into implementing fines for non-essential cross county travel and non-compliance when it comes to wearing masks on public transport ranging from €50-€200, WWN has sought to satisfy the public’s demand for more information on the full range of fines. Are the following fines a good deterrent against belligerents… … Continue reading “These Are The Level 3 Fines The Government Are Considering”