Group Opposed To Paedophiles Sure Look A Lot Like Paedophiles

A WATERFORD-based nationalist political group which held a rally in the middle of the city on Saturday night have moved paedophiles up to the top of their hit list, surpassing gays, abortion, single-parenthood, divorce, immigration, black business owners, mosques, and Direct Provision as their number one reason as to why Ireland needs their help. Around… … Continue reading “Group Opposed To Paedophiles Sure Look A Lot Like Paedophiles”

Bus Drivers All Set To Enforce New Compulsory Face Mask Law

HUNDREDS of bus drivers confirmed today that they’re all set to start enforcing new measures making it compulsory to wear face masks on public transport, WWN has learned. As of today, face coverings are now mandatory across the country, leaving it down to public transport drivers to make sure all passengers adhere to the new… … Continue reading “Bus Drivers All Set To Enforce New Compulsory Face Mask Law”

“Woah Hang On, Does Ending Racism Mean I Have To Watch What I Say About Travellers?”

ONE LOCAL man is kicking himself after realising the potential unintended consequences of his vocal social media-based support of Irish minorities and people of colour around the world. “You’re not serious, though, are you?” questioned Eoin Coggens (25) when he was upbraided by a friend for the continuous and casually vitriolic references to the Travelling… … Continue reading ““Woah Hang On, Does Ending Racism Mean I Have To Watch What I Say About Travellers?””

US Tourists To Be Quarantined In Carrolls Gift Shop For 2 Weeks

AFTER being pressured to halt flights from Covid-19 hotspot America, the Irish government has compromised by locking all incoming US tourists into a hermetically sealed Carrolls gift shop to quarantine, informing them ‘this is Ireland’ before sending them back home after 14 days. “Bless them, they don’t know the difference,” confirmed one Dept. of Tourism… … Continue reading “US Tourists To Be Quarantined In Carrolls Gift Shop For 2 Weeks”

Nation Suffers PTSD Flashbacks After Serving Time In Jackie’s Army

A CRIPPLING bout of emotionally charged Post-Tournament Success Disorder flashbacks have been happily and enthusiastically reported by Ireland’s grizzled veterans of Jackie’s Army after the sad passing of their leader, WWN has learned. “It was an honour to serve 3 tours; Germany, Italy and the US, under Jackie” shared another vet, who still laughs at… … Continue reading “Nation Suffers PTSD Flashbacks After Serving Time In Jackie’s Army”

All The Shocking Revelations From Mary Trump’s Tell-All Book

WHILE writing tell-all books about Donald Trump is now the number one form of employment in the United States, could ‘Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man’ by Trump’s niece Mary Trump be the book, just like the 100s before it, that proves to be the very thing… … Continue reading “All The Shocking Revelations From Mary Trump’s Tell-All Book”

We’re Okay With ‘Cancel Culture’ If You’re All Okay With Cancel Culture. Just Let Us Know, Okay?

A RECENT poll has revealed that the vast majority of the population is perfectly fine with the growth of ‘cancel culture’, as long as the vast majority of the population is perfectly fine with cancel culture. Although people who don’t spend their lives online seemed to be uncertain as to what exactly the terms ‘cancelled’,… … Continue reading “We’re Okay With ‘Cancel Culture’ If You’re All Okay With Cancel Culture. Just Let Us Know, Okay?”

White House Grants Covid-19 A Green Card Visa

HUMAN rights organisations and immigration activists have today expressed their confusion over the Trump White House’s contradictory actions on the granting and revoking of visas. On the one hand exploiting the pandemic to continue to find new and baseless reasons to ban the wrong shade of people from entering the US on legitimate visas, the… … Continue reading “White House Grants Covid-19 A Green Card Visa”

Still On A Provisional Licence? Take WWN’s Driving Test To Gain A Full Licence

FOLLOWING the debate over Fianna Fáil TD Barry Cowen’s drink driving ban and his holding of a provisional licence for the majority of his adult life, fresh attention is being paid to the fact that over 35,000 Irish drivers are on their 4th-and-counting learner permit. WWN is proud to announce it has partnered with the… … Continue reading “Still On A Provisional Licence? Take WWN’s Driving Test To Gain A Full Licence”

Covid Tracker App: Here’s How To Find Charizard

THE Covid-19 contact tracing app may only have been live for a few days, but already people are discovering fun ways to grind out rewards quicker than simply wandering around hoping to get lucky! With over one million downloads making it the fastest-downloaded Irish app since the Farmers Journal App, the Covid-19 tracker app is… … Continue reading “Covid Tracker App: Here’s How To Find Charizard”

“2020’s Been A Bit Of Craic All The Same”

AS PART of WWN’s Opinion series, we give a platform to people we really shouldn’t. This week, it’s the turn of Kev Fenton, who thinks all things considered 2020 has been a massive amount of craic so far. “AH C’MON now, admit it, you’ve stories for life with all this mad shit. Think about your… … Continue reading ““2020’s Been A Bit Of Craic All The Same””

Tipperary Man Has Surprisingly Strong Opinions On New Dublin Mayor

THE appointment of Green Party councillor Hazel Chu as Lord Mayor of Dublin has sparked anger among a large number of online commentators, including a frankly unusual number for people from well outside the Dublin area who wouldn’t normally have much to say about the municipal duties of this or any other mayor, WWN can… … Continue reading “Tipperary Man Has Surprisingly Strong Opinions On New Dublin Mayor”

Pervert Thrilled To Read Crime Details Of Other Perverts’ Perversions

CHECKING briefly to see if everyone was still asleep, sexual deviant and father-of-three Jack Lylanns scrolled through his favourite online newspaper feed, scanning for leads in the hopes of finding some stomach churning crime stories to read, preferably relating to sex. “Oh, a murder in the woods, and she was in her late teens; I’ll… … Continue reading “Pervert Thrilled To Read Crime Details Of Other Perverts’ Perversions”

Man Back In Office Trying To Mute People During Meetings

CIARAN McClennan’s not so smooth return back to working in the office is, according to experts, just the latest example of how working from home during the Covid-19 pandemic may have a lasting impact on how we relate and interact to the world around us. McClennan, a customer services rep for a utilities company has… … Continue reading “Man Back In Office Trying To Mute People During Meetings”

The Best “I’m Not Wearing A Mask Because” Excuses We’ve Heard

MASK WEARING to help prevent the spread of Covid-19 seemed like a straight forward, non-contentious practice easily endorsed by those wanting to ensure their own healthy and safety and that of those around them. However, it has transpired that not everyone can, will or wants to wear a face mask. WWN has collected the best… … Continue reading “The Best “I’m Not Wearing A Mask Because” Excuses We’ve Heard”

Drink Driving, Grants For TD’s Constituency, Character References For Criminals: Fianna Fáil Are Back Baby!

WITH Fianna Fáil TD Barry Cowen taking to the Dáil to not answer any questions on his drink driving ban, or on claiming the full €7,000 plus travel expenses for the three months he was banned as a driver, the Irish public could be forgiven for thinking CERN scientists had finally cracked time travel and… … Continue reading “Drink Driving, Grants For TD’s Constituency, Character References For Criminals: Fianna Fáil Are Back Baby!”

Fianna Fáil Commence Works On Reinstalling Parish Pumps Nationwide

FRESH from watching what was once thought to be an extinct ritual; a Fianna Fáil minister apologising in the Dáil for omitting information someone running for office should have made public, the party has announced the dispatching of developers around the country to begin a huge construction project. Much of the nation’s parish pumps were… … Continue reading “Fianna Fáil Commence Works On Reinstalling Parish Pumps Nationwide”

Sinn Féin Didn’t Realise Everyone Would Be This Mean To Main Opposition Party

SINN FÉIN insiders have confirmed the party are struggling to adjust to how mean everyone is now that they’re the main opposition party in the Dáil, WWN can reveal. The party had previously enjoyed ‘mad second cousin at a wedding’ privileges within the Irish political eco-system when just a minor fringe opposition party but now… … Continue reading “Sinn Féin Didn’t Realise Everyone Would Be This Mean To Main Opposition Party”

Johnny Bollocks & The Brew Crew Promise To Socially Distance During Stag Weekend In Dublin

THE bachelor party weekend of Englishman Jonathan Barris, also known as Johnny Bollocks, and his 12-strong entourage of friends known as ‘The Brew Crew’ have pledged to comply fully with Covid-19 safety regulations and a 14-day quarantine once they arrive in Dublin. Bollocks, 27, originally planned to cancel the trip amid health concerns, but was… … Continue reading “Johnny Bollocks & The Brew Crew Promise To Socially Distance During Stag Weekend In Dublin”

Man Who Uses WhatsApp, TikTok, Google Maps, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook & Twitter Apps Has Privacy Concerns About Covid-19 App

THE launch of the HSE’s Covid-19 Contact Tracing App was met with a chorus of ‘no fucking way’ from people adamant they will only permit sharing their personal data through the use of apps belonging to five, maybe six massive multi-national corporations and tech firms at best. The tracker, which uses geographical location data to… … Continue reading “Man Who Uses WhatsApp, TikTok, Google Maps, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook & Twitter Apps Has Privacy Concerns About Covid-19 App”

Everything You Need To Know About Ghislaine Maxwell

THE elusive rich socialise and daughter of Robert Maxwell has reemerged into the media spotlight following her arrest for her alleged part in the crimes of the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Despite the high profile nature of her alleged crimes and her presence in the world of the rich and famous, little is known… … Continue reading “Everything You Need To Know About Ghislaine Maxwell”

God Fires Writing Team

CITING a series of monumental fuck ups as the main reasoning behind his latest executive decision, God the almighty has made over 50 heavenly writers redundant this week after a spate of lazy story lines and unimaginative scenarios for his ongoing epic saga called Earth. “Kanye fucking West running for the US elections? I should… … Continue reading “God Fires Writing Team”

Local Man Regrets Missing Ennio Morricone In Concert 23 Times

“GONE so soon” posted 42-year old William Carson on his Facebook page today, mourning the death of famed composer Ennio Morricone in his 91st year, described by Carson as ‘easily one of the best composers’ he’s ever listened to. Carson, who was not pressed to name his second favourite composer, cited Morricone’s years of work… … Continue reading “Local Man Regrets Missing Ennio Morricone In Concert 23 Times”

BREAKING: Delusional Nation Under The Impression Drunk People Are Responsible

THE IRISH nation was left a little bit disappointed with itself today following the realisation that drunk people are incapable of sticking by the rules, WWN has learned. The delusional observers looked on in disgust at themselves after dozens of social media pictures revealed that drunk people are actually terrible at a lot of things,… … Continue reading “BREAKING: Delusional Nation Under The Impression Drunk People Are Responsible”

Solidarity! Leading Brands Conclude They Can Make More Money Pretending To Care About Racism

DESPITE major brands pulling all advertising spend three months ago from every social media platform, radio, tv station and  billboard across the world over the Covid-19 pandemic, thousands of companies have come together in financial solidarity this week to ‘boycott Facebook’ in a bid to ‘stop hate for profit’, proving once and for all that… … Continue reading “Solidarity! Leading Brands Conclude They Can Make More Money Pretending To Care About Racism”

US Makes Preparations For Final 4th Of July

AMERICAN citizens are gearing up for the 244th and final celebration of the 1776 signing of the Declaration of Independence, with all 50 states determined to ‘make it one for the history books’ for whoever is still alive in 2021. Marking 131,000 people dead so far since the outbreak began, US citizens will also mark… … Continue reading “US Makes Preparations For Final 4th Of July”

Man Faces Impossible Choice Between Protecting Himself From Covid & Looking Like Hardy Bastard

LOCAL tough chaw Eamon Farrell is weighing up the cost of his health and wellbeing versus his status as a man who takes no shit, as he decides whether or not to abide by best-practices for preventing the spread of Covid-19. Although 27-year-old Farrell is aware of the threat facing himself, his family and his… … Continue reading “Man Faces Impossible Choice Between Protecting Himself From Covid & Looking Like Hardy Bastard”

Pathetic Newly Appointed Junior Minister Thinks He’s A Real Minister

AFTER MUCH controversy, dismay, infighting and ego-massaging the identities of the governments’ junior ministers are now known, with significant representation for the hitherto ignored West. However, there has been some concern that some newly installed junior ministers are under the impression they are actual minister ministers, prompting calls for the record to be set straight… … Continue reading “Pathetic Newly Appointed Junior Minister Thinks He’s A Real Minister”

Funeral Etiquette During Covid-19 As Advised By Sinn Féin

IT CAN be hard to know how to correctly follow very clear guidelines on things such as attending funerals during the continuing presence and risk of Covid-19 on the island of Ireland. Thankfully, Sinn Féin is here to help you artfully navigate through the dos and don’ts of funeral attendance and the proper etiquette which… … Continue reading “Funeral Etiquette During Covid-19 As Advised By Sinn Féin”

“It’s Just Covid-19, Honestly” Confirms Sweating Prince Andrew

REACTING to New York police charging Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell for her role in the abuse and exploitation of young girls and women, Prince Andrew has claimed his newfound ability to sweat has nothing to do with the recent news and everything to do with conveniently contracting Covid-19. “They say a fever is one… … Continue reading ““It’s Just Covid-19, Honestly” Confirms Sweating Prince Andrew”

Chinese Burn Ban: Here’s What Irish Schools Could Look Like When They Reopen

SCHOOLYARD bullies are among the groups most likely to be affected by new Covid rules from the Department Of Education, with a ban on wedgies and Chinese burns performed without gloves, a full cessation on headlocks and diddy twists, and a strict one dead-arm per child per day law, WWN can confirm. “It says here… … Continue reading “Chinese Burn Ban: Here’s What Irish Schools Could Look Like When They Reopen”

Camouflaged County Team Returns To Training Under Cover Of Darkness

ABSEILING down the interior of a disused well on an abandoned farm which leading to a series of interconnecting tunnels, one unnamed senior intercounty football team made a break for it under the cover of darkness, flouting current GAA restrictions on county teams training together while the restarted club season is still ongoing. War paint… … Continue reading “Camouflaged County Team Returns To Training Under Cover Of Darkness”

“Essentially Essential Non-Essential Overseas Travel Is Non-Essentially Essential” Confirms Government

WITH businesses and individuals exploiting failures by authorities to clearly communicate travel advice the newly installed coalition government has happily given the certainty on overseas travel long craved by a confused public. As people who have booked a week in Spain were being advised to isolate for 14 days when they get there, and places… … Continue reading ““Essentially Essential Non-Essential Overseas Travel Is Non-Essentially Essential” Confirms Government”

How To Find Out Once And For All If You’re A ‘Karen’

THE CATCH ALL insult du jour for a white woman with endless reserves of arrogance, entitlement and a false sense of superiority; being referred to as ‘a Karen’ is not something to aspire to. Originating in America, a Karen is often seen sporting that haircut and raging at people for some perceived non-existent inconvenience or… … Continue reading “How To Find Out Once And For All If You’re A ‘Karen’”

Honestly Lads The Chinese Government Isn’t That Bad [SPONSORED]

LIKE US, you’ve probably been very concerned about the news that pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong are being rounded up and arrested after new laws introduced to crack down on such things took effect, but it turns out that when we dug a little deeper there’s really nothing to worry about. Prison camps for Uighur… … Continue reading “Honestly Lads The Chinese Government Isn’t That Bad [SPONSORED]”

Local Man Would Definitely Own 30 Guns If He Lived In America

A NEW poll has shown that even the most vocal non-American anti-gun voices would ‘absolutely, without question’ own several pistols, rifles and ‘whatever else was going’ if they lived in America. “OK, I’ll admit it, if I lived in America, I’d be tooled up out the ying yang” said one man, who frequently posts angry… … Continue reading “Local Man Would Definitely Own 30 Guns If He Lived In America”

New Housing Minister Sat Down And Told ‘How Things Work Around Here’

AN EXUBERANT and full-of-beans new Minister for Housing Darragh O’Brien has been told to ‘woah up there, pal’ by key players in the housing market, after expressing some nonsense about fixing the rental market and building affordable homes. “I mean, you have to admire his attitude” smiled one property developer, who hasn’t been investing in… … Continue reading “New Housing Minister Sat Down And Told ‘How Things Work Around Here’”

Local Dad Enters 18th Minute Of Staring At Car On Street He Doesn’t Recognise

MUTTERING under his breath while remaining engaged in an unbroken 18-minute long stare, local dad Paudie Hanlon has identified a car idling on the road outside his house and something just doesn’t feel right, WWN can reveal. With his intense gaze affixed to the outer metal shell of a 2014-D VW Golf which has at… … Continue reading “Local Dad Enters 18th Minute Of Staring At Car On Street He Doesn’t Recognise”

Ryanair To Introduce Covid-19 Priority Queue On All Flights

FOLLOWING their own health and safety advice after catching sight of projected losses in revenues, Ryanair have unveiled a Covid-19 priority queuing experience for passengers that puts the worries of those fearing an increase in cases resulting from air travel to bed. “It’s a modest carry on fee for carriers of the disease, but think… … Continue reading “Ryanair To Introduce Covid-19 Priority Queue On All Flights”

No Summer Camps? Here’s How To Keep Your Kids Entertained Over The Summer

PARENTS would normally turn to a summer camp to get the kids out of the house and out of their hair once the academic year is over but no, this is a world invented and overseen by a God who wants to torture parents so summer camps for the most part are a no-go. If… … Continue reading “No Summer Camps? Here’s How To Keep Your Kids Entertained Over The Summer”

RIP.ie Inundated With SME Eulogies

IRISH death notice website RIP.ie has reported an unusual amount of activity over the past few days resulting from the deaths of hundreds of small to medium sized businesses across the country, which employ the vast majority of the nation’s workforce. The deceased businesses were believed to have succumbed to the Covid-19 pandemic after spending… … Continue reading “RIP.ie Inundated With SME Eulogies”

“Okay, So Now You Want Us To Cover Our Face?”

MUSLIM women across the country were left a little bewildered today following news that commuters must now wear face coverings on all public transport or expect fines, WWN has learned. “Oh, so you’ve all finally come round to this face covering stuff, have we? So do you want us to wear face coverings or not,… … Continue reading ““Okay, So Now You Want Us To Cover Our Face?””

Local Man Maybe Had One Too Many Substantial 9 Euro Meals Last Night

WATERFORD man William Henderson is this morning shaking off the effects of a hard night of substantial meals with the lads, during their tearful reunion with their local pub which does food now, apparently. Henderson, along with Derek Adams, Headsy, maybe Paul Malone was there too but nobody is sure; hit the Wheelrim Arms at half… … Continue reading “Local Man Maybe Had One Too Many Substantial 9 Euro Meals Last Night”

Health Authorities Warn Of Lethal Second Wave Of Fianna Fáil

THE SUDDEN cancellation of the routine daily Covid-19 briefing was announced to make way for the reassembly of the Emergency Celtic Tiger Containment Unit for the first time since 2011 as it warned of a lethal second wave of Fianna Fáil, WWN can confirm. “We must suppress this disease in the community, where it can… … Continue reading “Health Authorities Warn Of Lethal Second Wave Of Fianna Fáil”

Kim Kardashian Admits She ‘Still Has Nightmares’ About Portlaoise

OVER six years since her horrifying honeymoon in Ireland with her husband Kanye West, reality TV superstar Kim Kardashian West has admitted that there are times she lies awake in bed, replaying the ordeal of the Irish midlands over and over in her mind. “She says she can still hear the voices in her head;… … Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Admits She ‘Still Has Nightmares’ About Portlaoise”

Cockfighting, Extramarital Affairs & Road Bowls; Here’s What Phase 3 Means For You

AS Phase 3 of the government’s 4-phase re-opening of the country kicks into place today, here’s what the nation can finally start doing again after months of Covid-enforced lockdown: 1. All cockfighting, lurching, salmon poaching, off-season hunting, fox-lamping, badger baiting and elk-stabbings can once again take place, hopefully bringing the nation’s wildlife into check after… … Continue reading “Cockfighting, Extramarital Affairs & Road Bowls; Here’s What Phase 3 Means For You”

Eye Of Sauron Bursts Through Ceiling Of Leinster House As Fianna Fáil Regain Power

SEEMINGLY lying dormant for much of the last 12 years, the re-emergent presence of the Eye of Sauron over Leinster House is said to be of ‘some concern’ but authorities haven’t gone as far as to conclude it is directly related to Fianna Fáil finding themselves back in government. “Woah now, steady on let’s not… … Continue reading “Eye Of Sauron Bursts Through Ceiling Of Leinster House As Fianna Fáil Regain Power”

Eoghan Murphy, Simon Harris Spotted Skipping Through Meadow

“ALL weekend long, I’ve just had ‘Fiesta’ by The Pogues playing at full blast” beamed a jubilant Simon Harris, his youth flushing back to his cheeks for the first time since taking up the position of Minister For Health in 2016. “Same here, except I was pumping out ‘Sandstorm’ by Darude” giggled former Minister For… … Continue reading “Eoghan Murphy, Simon Harris Spotted Skipping Through Meadow”

Eoghan Murphy, Simon Harris Spotted Skipping Through Field Of Flowers

“ALL weekend long, I’ve just had ‘Fiesta’ by The Pogues playing at full blast” beamed a jubilant Simon Harris, his youth flushing back to his cheeks for the first time since taking up the position of Minister For Health in 2016. “Same here, except I was pumping out ‘Sandstorm’ by Darude” giggled former Minister For… … Continue reading “Eoghan Murphy, Simon Harris Spotted Skipping Through Field Of Flowers”

Moving Scenes As Ireland Reunited With Its Pubs

THERE wasn’t a dry eye or undamaged liver in the early houses this morning, as sentimental and emotional Irish men and women were reunited with their newly reopened pubs. Dropping to their knees onto the sticky carpets, embracing their favourite rickety bar stool in a hug and mindlessly splashing their urine all over their favourite… … Continue reading “Moving Scenes As Ireland Reunited With Its Pubs”