Neighbour Installing Solar Roof Tiles Got To Be Taking The Fucking Piss

FERGUS Fennell, a right busy body and resident of Waterford estate Oak Grove has got to be taking the fucking piss with his new solar panel tiles, his neighbours have confirmed to WWN. “Ah, Jesus, he’s embarrassing himself there now Eileen, he’s the hard hat on and everything,” James Cullen, Fennell’s neighbour of 12 years,… … Continue reading “Neighbour Installing Solar Roof Tiles Got To Be Taking The Fucking Piss”

World’s Forests ‘Self-Immolating Over Climate Change’

THE FORESTS outside Sydney, Australia have become the most recent wooded area to set itself on fire in a protest against climate change, following the example lead by the Amazonian rainforests earlier this year, and the subsequent Californian forest fires. It is believed the forests are self-immolating in the style of monks who set themselves… … Continue reading “World’s Forests ‘Self-Immolating Over Climate Change’”

Futurewatch: Taoiseach Lisa Smith Elected Leader Of Islamic Republic Of Ireland

FUTUREWATCH: where we take a glimpse into the Ireland of tomorrow using state of the art technology that fell off the back of a truck earmarked for a US military research facility. The year is 2030 and Ireland elects its first female Taoiseach to rule over the recently renamed Islamic Republic of Ireland. “We should… … Continue reading “Futurewatch: Taoiseach Lisa Smith Elected Leader Of Islamic Republic Of Ireland”

Warmer Outside Than In, Confirms Waterford Mother

CLIMATE change? Poor insulation? Magic? Whatever the explanation, one woman WWN spoke too on the subject of temperatures is adamant that she’s warmer when she’s outside exposed to the elements than when she’s inside her Waterford home. Mother-of-four Sheila O’Neal made the announcement about the heat of her house this morning at 11am after returning… … Continue reading “Warmer Outside Than In, Confirms Waterford Mother”

Guardiola’s Wife Sick Of Hearing About Handball Decision

AFTER numerous 6-year-old children failed to adequately calm him down by pointing out “it’s only a game of fucking football, relax” Man City manager Pep Guardiola still has a constant stream of steam emanating from his ears following his team’s 3-1 loss to Liverpool, much to the displeasure of his wife, Cristina. Despite nearly 24-hours… … Continue reading “Guardiola’s Wife Sick Of Hearing About Handball Decision”

Sighing & Tutting Loudly Proven To Make Queues In Shops Move Faster

RETAIL STAFF working in busy shops have confirmed a long running rumour about their profession for the first time in a world exclusive for WWN. Customers who find themselves joining the back of a queue in a shop and immediately tut, hiss, guffaw or grumble demonstrably to give effect to their annoyance actually make queues… … Continue reading “Sighing & Tutting Loudly Proven To Make Queues In Shops Move Faster”

Local Woman Always Carrying A Bottle Of Water Around With Her

“Hydration is key”; the phrase most uttered by Dublin woman Susie Breen (27) who since kick-starting a new ‘health and wellness’ routine earlier this year has had a stainless steel water bottle glued to her hand, constantly used to replenish her body’s water stocks. No matter the time of day or social occasion, Breen has… … Continue reading “Local Woman Always Carrying A Bottle Of Water Around With Her”

Man Cheating On His Barber With Another Barber

“When I looked in the window the line was too long…I mean we’re talking a 30 minute wait just for a quick trim, so…I’m not proud of it, but, I went to Short Back ‘n’ Sidez instead,” shared Brian Crean before bursting into guilt infused tears. The confession of barber infidelity came after several months… … Continue reading “Man Cheating On His Barber With Another Barber”

Basic Bitch Doesn’t Even Have Her Nipple Pierced

A DUBLIN woman has been labelled a boring and most ‘basic’ of bitches by her peers after it emerged she doesn’t even have her nipple pierced. Nipple piercing, which took over from tattoos, which took over from belly button piercing, which took over from eyebrow piercing, which took over from playing with matches as a… … Continue reading “Basic Bitch Doesn’t Even Have Her Nipple Pierced”

Losing Your Shit When The Car In Front Of You Obeys The Speed Limit, A Guide

THERE’S SOME pig ignorant pricks out there on our roads, chief among them, idiotic drivers who think they’re big and clever by driving the speed limit. Fifty? FIFTY? Fifty measly kilometres in a fifty kilometre zone? What sort of deviant would debase themselves with such sordid and perverse behaviour? Enough is enough, some of us… … Continue reading “Losing Your Shit When The Car In Front Of You Obeys The Speed Limit, A Guide”

Struggling RTÉ To Sell Vacant Homes On Fair City Set

HAVE you ever wanted to be part of a modern day soap opera surrounded by dozens of film crew members, loud actors and over paid TV producers? Well, this could be your big opportunity as RTÉ announced it will be selling off 8 vacant plywood TV set homes on the Fair City site. Even though… … Continue reading “Struggling RTÉ To Sell Vacant Homes On Fair City Set”

Dublin Lads Down The Country Sticking Out Like Sore Thumbs

KITTED out in brand new, freshly purchased hiking gear that even Bear Grylls would consider excessive, a group of intrepid Dubliners are sticking out like the sorest of thumbs during their weekend sojourn to County Clare. Looking like walking advertisements for North Face, Columbia and Patagonia clothing Conor, Jack, Graham, Kev, Leann and Sorcha have… … Continue reading “Dublin Lads Down The Country Sticking Out Like Sore Thumbs”

Work Friend Thinks You’re Her Friend Friend

A SERIES of embarrassing misunderstandings have led one work colleague to misread the signs and conclude that she is your friend friend and not merely your work friend, WWN can exclusively reveal. Noreen in HR has often provided amiable company in the office with polite small talk when passing in the corridor, however, her the… … Continue reading “Work Friend Thinks You’re Her Friend Friend”

Nation Finally Waking Up To How Awesome Cocaine Is

IRELAND has begun to question its reliance on alcohol as it’s intoxicant of choice, after hearing nothing but good reports about the energy-packed euphoric goodness of that sweet, sweet cocaine. Once considered a ‘rich man’s drug’, cocaine use has grown in Ireland along with the economy in recent years, with Ireland now the ‘best little… … Continue reading “Nation Finally Waking Up To How Awesome Cocaine Is”

Save 25c On Your Coffee By Drinking It Directly From The Machine

SAVVY caffeine fans have outlined their plans to lie underneath coffee machines and allow the scalding hot liquid to pour directly into their open mouths, in a bid to avoid the incoming 25 cent single-use coffee cup levy aimed at tackling excess waste. “The government think they can force us into buying re-usable coffee cups… … Continue reading “Save 25c On Your Coffee By Drinking It Directly From The Machine”

Healthy Living Not Worth The Effort Confirm Scientists

A BREAKTHROUGH in the way we view healthy diets and fitness routines is on the way after a groundbreaking study from a group of Irish scientists, WWN can confirm. At a press conference with a massive media presence a research team at TCD teased a major discovery before finally relenting and explaining the life-altering fruits… … Continue reading “Healthy Living Not Worth The Effort Confirm Scientists”

CCTV Footage Shows Politicians Getting Away With Murder

AFTER a record number of tips from the public to their crime hotline, Gardaí are examining hours of CCTV footage from the Dáil to see if claims politicians are getting away with murder are true. The CCTV shows TDs chuckling while voting for other TDs in parliamentary votes thus making a mockery of the democratic… … Continue reading “CCTV Footage Shows Politicians Getting Away With Murder”

Jacob Rees-Mogg To Be Set On Fire To Test His Theory

CONSERVATIVE MP Jacob Rees-Mogg will today put his incendiary claim that he would have had ‘more common sense’ than the people who perished in the Grenfell blaze to the test, by being placed in a council flat and set on fire. 72 people lost their lives in the Grenfell Tower fire in June of 2017,… … Continue reading “Jacob Rees-Mogg To Be Set On Fire To Test His Theory”

Leo’s Totes Cool Super Awesome Guide To Climate Disaster

FRESH FROM speaking of the ‘benefits’ of global warming and climate disaster such as ‘lower heating bills’ at the unveiling of the government’s first progress report on its Climate Action Plan ‘The Shock’ AKA ‘Your Boy Leo’ AKA ‘The Big L’ AKA ‘Doc Malady’ Leo Varadkar has offered up his environmental wisdom to WWN, providing… … Continue reading “Leo’s Totes Cool Super Awesome Guide To Climate Disaster”

Government Rush To Get All Bad News Out While Nation Distracted By Gaybo

THE government has seized on a once-in-a-generation opportunity to flush out as much bad news as possible in 24-hours, while the media devote the entire news cycle to the death of beloved RTÉ presenter Gay Byrne. With news outlets granting blanket coverage to the life and times of the former Late Late host, Fine Gael… … Continue reading “Government Rush To Get All Bad News Out While Nation Distracted By Gaybo”

Public Urged To Just Get Used To Shootings

AS THE number of lives claimed as part of several ongoing criminal feuds across the country continues to rise, authorities have urged the general Irish public to maybe get used it because it isn’t going to end any time soon. “Where’s that can-do Irish spirit of persevering through hardship? C’mon guys, we’ll get through this…well,… … Continue reading “Public Urged To Just Get Used To Shootings”

Ireland’s First Acceptable Gay Passes Away

THE NATION has been given compassionate leave today as it deals with the passing of Ireland’s official grandad and first acceptable Gay, broadcaster Gay Byrne, who passed away aged 85. The role of the nation’s grandad is now occupied by president Michael D. Higgins who has been placed in a secure facility made entirely of… … Continue reading “Ireland’s First Acceptable Gay Passes Away”

UFC Fighter Gives Unconscious Opponent Few More Punches To Be Sure

HOMEGROWN UFC hero Tommy ‘The Windmill’ Willson stunned the world of MMA over the weekend with an incredible first-round knockout against Hugo Hernandez with a precision-perfect knee to the temple, followed by a few more digs to Hernandez’s skull just to make absolutely certain he wasn’t getting up again. Dublin native Willson thanked his trainers… … Continue reading “UFC Fighter Gives Unconscious Opponent Few More Punches To Be Sure”

Lisa Smith To Be Returned To War-Torn Hell Hole

WHILE the Irish Defence Forces are today planning a mission to extradite ‘ISIS bride’ Lisa Smith from the Turkey/ Syria border, a more elite and specialised Defence Forces team are working out how to get her back to her highly dangerous town of Dundalk, Co. Louth. A spokesperson for the IDF has confirmed that while… … Continue reading “Lisa Smith To Be Returned To War-Torn Hell Hole”

Single Woman In Her 30s Down To The Absolute Dregs

ONE LOCAL single woman in her 30s is on the verge of giving up on the dating scene in Ireland owing to the grim and dwindling supply of suitable suitors. 31-year-old Sarah O’Loughlin, single for 2 years 6 months and 3 weeks but who’s counting, is reportedly down to the absolute dregs when it comes… … Continue reading “Single Woman In Her 30s Down To The Absolute Dregs”

Ireland Changes Its Tagline To ‘Land Of A Hundred Thousand Hostile Welcomes’

FOLLOWING the glee with which some sections of Ireland celebrated the news that 13 female asylum seekers would not be temporarily housed in an Achill hotel due to overcrowding in a broken Direct Provision system, Ireland has made the decision to switch its official tagline from the land of a hundred thousand welcomes to ‘The… … Continue reading “Ireland Changes Its Tagline To ‘Land Of A Hundred Thousand Hostile Welcomes’”

Parents Pay Emotional Tribute To PlayStation For Raring Their Kids

“You were our rock while we were hungover, you gave us leverage over our kids when they wouldn’t eat their dinners, you are the best child minder we ever had; thank you, Sony Playstation 2, 3 and 4, thank you, from the bottom of our hearts”: this was the emotional tribute given by a county… … Continue reading “Parents Pay Emotional Tribute To PlayStation For Raring Their Kids”

Fucking Lunatic Using Phone While Filling Petrol

LOCAL PATROL stations have been warned to be on the look out for a total bad ass who put dozens of lives in jeopardy by checking his phone while also filling petrol at the same time. CCTV footage of the man, believed to be in his late 20s and without an ounce of respect for… … Continue reading “Fucking Lunatic Using Phone While Filling Petrol”

‘Hate Speech’ Vs Freedom Of Speech: Know The Differences

HATE SPEECH legislation is being earmarked as a priority by the Fine Gael led minority government as a way to combat an increase of racist, xenophobic and homophobic hate speech being used online and in public. The news has been welcomed by those who have been victims of vicious and repugnant verbal attacks at the… … Continue reading “‘Hate Speech’ Vs Freedom Of Speech: Know The Differences”

Lady Doctor Going To Lose It If She’s Called ‘Lady Doctor’ One More Time

AS IF working non-stop in one of Ireland’s overcrowded and under-resourced accident and emergency departments weren’t stressful enough, Dr. Joanne Skelly has vowed to lose her temper and ‘go off on one’ if she is disparagingly referred to as a ‘lady doctor’ one more time. Lady doctor Skelly regularly treats an endless stream of patients,… … Continue reading “Lady Doctor Going To Lose It If She’s Called ‘Lady Doctor’ One More Time”

Varadkar To Call General Election When It Fucking Suits Him

CURRENT Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has ruled out a pre-Christmas general election, stating that he ‘didn’t feel it was right’ to send Ireland to the polls just now, and also adding that he ‘just didn’t want to, and go piss up a flagpole if you disagree’. Varadkar went on to state that May 2020 was his… … Continue reading “Varadkar To Call General Election When It Fucking Suits Him”

The Harmless Rise Of The Far Right In Ireland

SOME keen-eyed observers of politics, news and current events in Ireland mistakenly think they have noticed some worrying trends throughout the country in regards to shameless and unabashed xenophobia. However, experts in such things have confirmed that the rise of the Far Right in Ireland, no matter how obvious to some, isn’t actually happening and… … Continue reading “The Harmless Rise Of The Far Right In Ireland”

Neighbours With Elaborate Halloween Decorations Think They’re American Or Something

AN EMERGENCY meeting of the Beechwood estate residents association has called for immediate action over one family’s insistence in decorating the outside of their house in elaborate and over the top Halloween decorations, like they’re American or something, living in America. The Moores, who reside in no. 35 with the blue garage door and the… … Continue reading “Neighbours With Elaborate Halloween Decorations Think They’re American Or Something”

Britain Granted Extension To Neverending Nightmare That Sucks The Marrow From The Bone, Blocks Out The Sun, Steals Joy From Everything

NEWS that Britain has made a promise to finally have ‘its shit together’ by the later date of January 31st 2020 has been greeted with defeated looks by everyone affected by Brexit as they weep at the mere thought of having to contemplate this interminable torture for even one more life-sapping second. “The extension is… … Continue reading “Britain Granted Extension To Neverending Nightmare That Sucks The Marrow From The Bone, Blocks Out The Sun, Steals Joy From Everything”

Considerate Fly Tipper Separates Rubbish Into ‘Recycling’ And ‘General Waste’ Piles

“ILLEGAL dumping was in danger of getting a bad name for itself unless we changed our ways,” said notorious Waterford fly-tipper Ian Heelan, while studiously separating his rubbish into ‘General Waste’, ‘Organic/Compostable’ and ‘Recycling’ piles ahead of a dumping session. “We had to move with the times, or else we’d look like we just didn’t… … Continue reading “Considerate Fly Tipper Separates Rubbish Into ‘Recycling’ And ‘General Waste’ Piles”

The Story Of Fanta Claws

SINCE the beginning of time brands have been coming up with clever and creative ways to engage with their customers on an emotional level, some using characters like 7up’s Fido Dido, Nestle’s M&M guys and of course, who could forget Ireland’s infamous Saint Patrick character who helped sell billions of cheap Irish merchandise over the… … Continue reading “The Story Of Fanta Claws”

Man Rushed To Hospital After Breaking His Bollocks Laughing

DOCTORS in University Hospital Waterford are today battling to save the testicles of local man Neil Werner, after her rupturing hi genitalia while laughing at a joke he saw online. Mr. Werner was admitted by housemates in the early hours of this morning after stumbling out of his room wearing a pair of blood-soaked trousers,… … Continue reading “Man Rushed To Hospital After Breaking His Bollocks Laughing”

Need A Unique Halloween Costume To Showcase How Interesting You Are? Have You Tried The Joker?

KEEN to let everyone know how unique a personality you are through the artistic medium of expressing your creativity via a Halloween costume? Have you considered going against the grain and upending expectations by dressing up as a character from an insanely popular movie that is tracking to make nearly $1 billion at the box… … Continue reading “Need A Unique Halloween Costume To Showcase How Interesting You Are? Have You Tried The Joker?”

Local Man Dresses As Asshole Who Won’t Leave Women Alone At Party For Halloween

COBBLING together what he could in a last minute effort to find something to wear to a fancy dress house party, one Dublin man has settled on dressing up as an asshole who just can’t take a hint, it can be revealed. Among the predictable fare of the same old popular and cliched costume, Dubliner… … Continue reading “Local Man Dresses As Asshole Who Won’t Leave Women Alone At Party For Halloween”

Blindfolded Immigration Minister Pins Next Direct Provision Location On Map

CAREFULLY tightening his well worn blindfold, Irish Immigration Minister David Stanton felt his way to a notice board on his office wall where a map of Ireland hung proudly, littered with previous holes from failed endeavours. “Okay, keep left, Dave, you don’t want to hit Dublin – they’d feel too at home in a multicultural city like Dublin – keep West,”… … Continue reading “Blindfolded Immigration Minister Pins Next Direct Provision Location On Map”

These Irish MEPs Were Really Hoping You Didn’t Find Out They Voted To Just Leave Migrants To Die At Sea

FINE Gael MEPs Frances Fitzgerald, Séan Kelly, Mairead McGuinness and Maria Walsh are believed to have their fingers crossed, hoping against hope, the Irish voting public refrains from reading any articles detailing the fact they voted against a European Parliament resolution to provide greater resources and coordination to the EU’s efforts in ending the horror… … Continue reading “These Irish MEPs Were Really Hoping You Didn’t Find Out They Voted To Just Leave Migrants To Die At Sea”

RTÉ Player To Switch From Diesel To Electric

RTÉ have unveiled a number of new environmentally-focused schemes that will kick into action over the next few weeks, starting with an update to the creaking old diesel-powered RTÉ Player, which currently dumps tonnes of carbon into the atmosphere as it tries to keep up with the nine people who still use it. The player had… … Continue reading “RTÉ Player To Switch From Diesel To Electric”

Not Sure What’s Going On In Brexit? This Taxi Driver Will Fill You In

AS THE NUMBER of people overwhelmed by the complex and contradictory twist and turns in Brexit continues to rise, more and more people are turning to taxi drivers to keep abreast of the most pressing and important emergent details. In a bid to save you a few quid on a fare, WWN secured the services… … Continue reading “Not Sure What’s Going On In Brexit? This Taxi Driver Will Fill You In”

The Boom Is Back! Fresh Job Losses Announced

TO anyone who doubted that Ireland was going through another economic boom, this week’s announcement that up to 300 jobs are set to go in Cork and 84 jobs are to be axed in Citywest should be enough proof that the good times are indeed back, baby. With the house prices continuing to soar all… … Continue reading “The Boom Is Back! Fresh Job Losses Announced”

Zuckerberg To Make Damn Sure Ocasio-Cortez Never Gets Elected Again

A FURIOUS Mark Zuckerberg has returned to Facebook headquarters after a gruelling grilling at a congressional hearing over his social media platform’s poor policing of political information, and has vowed to make sure Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spends the rest of her life ‘waiting fucking tables’. Ocasio-Cortez known as ‘AOC’ took Zuckerberg to task on Facebook’s… … Continue reading “Zuckerberg To Make Damn Sure Ocasio-Cortez Never Gets Elected Again”

Clocks To Go Sideways This Weekend In Unprecedented Move

TWICE EVERY year, millions of people get caught out when the clocks change for daylight savings time, but scientists are now warning that this year could be the most confusing to date, as for the first time in recent history, the clocks are to go sideways this Saturday night. “We have no idea how this is going… … Continue reading “Clocks To Go Sideways This Weekend In Unprecedented Move”

Tragedy Exploited By Heartless Bastards In Record Time

THE TRAGIC death of 39 people found in the back of a lorry in Purfleet, England, which has resulted in one Northern Irish man being charged with murder has seen heartless bastards exploit the tragedy in record time. Point scoring politicians with no moral compass, unscrupulous ‘journalists’ pushing divisive arguments masquerading as ‘debates’ and truly… … Continue reading “Tragedy Exploited By Heartless Bastards In Record Time”

Will, Of The People, Speak Outs

THREE years after he made the decision on behalf of the British public to leave the EU, the so-called ‘Will, of the people’ speaks out for the first time exclusively to WWN and makes his true feelings known. “The Will, of the people, must be respected,” Tory leader and British PM Boris Johnson incessantly hectors… … Continue reading “Will, Of The People, Speak Outs”