Author: TheOnion.com

The Onion is the world’s leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history. In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily. The Onion is now available exclusively online without charge in order to take advantage of various charity tax benefits.

Liberals Say Sanders’s Acceptance Of Rogan Endorsement Sends Dangerous Message He Trying To Win Election

WASHINGTON—Slamming the campaign for promoting the popular podcaster’s backing, liberals said Friday that Bernie Sanders’s acceptance of Joe Rogan’s endorsement sends a dangerous message that the candidate is trying to win the 2020 presidential election. “This is just the Sanders campaign opening the gates to a…Read more…

Melting Giraffe Congressman Warns Impeachment Distracting From Surreal Issues

WASHINGTON—Arguing that a protracted congressional trial wasn’t in the best interests of everyday floating nude Americans, melting giraffe congressman Fauna Anuaf reportedly warned Friday that focusing on the impeachment of President Donald Trump was distracting from the surreal issues. “When there are so many people…Read more…

Weinstein Defense Attorney Implores Jury To Remember How Fun ‘Pulp Fiction’ Is

NEW YORK—In a passionate rebuttal to the many graphic accounts of sexual assault and rape leveled at her client, attorney Donna Rotunno delivered a forceful argument Friday imploring the trial’s jurors to keep in mind how fun disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein’s 1994’s Pulp Fiction was. “Ladies and gentlemen of the…Read more…

Trump Makes Powerful Pro-Life Case By Speaking About The Joys Of Neglecting A Child

WASHINGTON—Speaking to thousands of March For Life protesters assembled on the National Mall, President Donald Trump took to the stage Friday to make a powerful pro-life case about the joys of neglecting a child. “Of course, I’m a father, and I had my thoughts about terminating them all, but I’m standing before you…Read more…

Trump Lifts Obama-Era Protections Trapping Gangthor The Malevolent In Tomb Deep Within Murky Depths Of Pacific Ocean

WASHINGTON—Denouncing his predecessor’s water regulations as overly restrictive, President Donald Trump announced Thursday he was lifting protections enacted by the Obama administration to permanently entomb Gangthor the Malevolent in a murky trench deep below the Pacific Ocean. “These horrible rules created by Barack…Read more…

Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Coke Can

LOS ALAMOS, NM—Giggling as they made sure the atomic explosive’s tritium-deuterium ignition module had been properly engaged, nuclear scientists employed at Los Alamos National Laboratory were seen sprinting away from ground zero after stuffing a fission bomb into a can of Coca-Cola in a friend’s backyard Friday. “Oh…Read more…

‘Kingdom Hearts III’ DLC Developers Panicking After Realizing ‘Shrek’ Not Owned By Disney

After spending countless hours integrating elements from the popular 2001 animated fantasy film into role-playing game Kingdom Hearts III’s upcoming DLC, Japanese developer Square Enix reportedly spent Thursday thrown into a state of panic after realizing Shrek is not owned by Disney but rather by DreamWorks…Read more…

U.S. Joins One Trillion Tree Pledge

President Trump announced plans for the U.S. to join the One Trillion Tree initiative launched at the World Economic Forum as a means to combat climate change, a move that environmentalist such as Greta Thunberg said were “good” but were not an effective method of addressing the warming planet compared to ending…Read more…

Last Remaining Chinese Paddlefish Cackling In Rafters Of World Wildlife Fund Press Conference Declaring It Extinct

GLAND, SWITZERLAND—Sneering with delight from a darkened catwalk far above the audience, the final remaining Chinese Paddlefish was reportedly cackling Thursday in the rafters of a World Wildlife Fund press conference declaring it extinct. “Look at those fools down there with their phony tears and empty words, little…Read more…

Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial

WASHINGTON—After he gaveled the Senate to order Wednesday afternoon, Chief Justice John Roberts sternly admonished both President Trump’s counsel and House impeachment managers to remember they were participating in a complete farce of a trial. “As you address members of this deliberative body, please bear in mind…Read more…

God Stumbles On Old, Beat-Up Planet That He Carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ All Over

THE HEAVENS—Reminiscing over how much time had passed since His days as a younger deity, God, Our Heavenly Father, expressed His nostalgia and delight Wednesday after stumbling on the old, beat-up planet He carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ all over. “Holy shit, I haven’t seen this in decades!” exclaimed the Lord, noting that He…Read more…

Senate Republicans Force Through Resolution Establishing Wingstop As Official Sponsor Of Impeachment Trial

WASHINGTON—Over the objections of Democrats who decried the measure as not receiving sufficient debate on the congressional floor, Senate Republicans forced through a resolution Wednesday establishing Wingstop as the official sponsor of President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial. “Resolved that effective immediately,…Read more…

‘Well, I Could Do That’ Says Art Museum Attendee Viewing Security Guard On Lunch Break

NEW YORK—Shaking his head in disbelief at what passes for art these days, museum visitor Francis Bach was reportedly heard muttering “Well, I could do that” to himself while viewing a Metropolitan Museum of Art security guard on his lunch break. “This doesn’t really seem all that impressive,” said the 46-year-old,…Read more…

Contrarian ‘New York Times’ Travel Section Breaks With Paper To Endorse Deval Patrick For Democratic Nomination

NEW YORK—In a dramatic challenge of the editorial board, The New York Times travel section broke with the paper Tuesday to endorse former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick for the Democratic nomination. “Given his impressive track record as a card-carrying Hyatt Loyalty Program member and the only candidate with…Read more…

First-Time Davos Attendee Can’t Believe How Many Seminars There Are About Running Secret Child-Molestation Ring

DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—Expressing surprise that tech luminaries like Sheryl Sandberg and Sundar Pichai weren’t focusing their talks more on internet privacy, first-time Davos attendee Emmanuel Issacson told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe how many seminars at the World Economic Forum’s annual conference were about…Read more…

Kellyanne Conway Suggests Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Traveled To Ukraine For Dirt On Biden

WASHINGTON—Praising the civil rights leader for his determination and commitment to justice, Kellyanne Conway, senior counselor to the president, suggested to reporters Monday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have traveled to Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden. “Dr. Martin Luther King, who was known for his nonviolent…Read more…

Canadian Man Wishes There Was Some Way To Pay His Doctor For All The Hard Work He Did

TORONTO—Explaining that he hated to think of all the physician’s efforts going unrewarded, Canadian citizen Ryan Munley stated Tuesday that he wished there was some way he could pay his medical doctor for all his hard work. “Dr. Leva really went above and beyond for me, and I wish there were some method of exchange,…Read … Continue reading “Canadian Man Wishes There Was Some Way To Pay His Doctor For All The Hard Work He Did”

Real-Life ‘Katamari!’ This Drunk Driver Is Still Dragging The Cyclist He Hit

Calling all Katamari Damacy fans—you’re going to love this! If you were into this Namco classic, you’ll definitely be excited to hear Keita Takahashi’s off-the-wall classic pretty much came to life moments ago when a drunk driver ran over a bike messenger who got tangled in the bumper and is still being dragged by the…Read … Continue reading “Real-Life ‘Katamari!’ This Drunk Driver Is Still Dragging The Cyclist He Hit”

Top 6 Happiest Countries In The World

Education: Top Finnish-language program in worldSource Of Tranquility: Near total ethnic homogeneityNational Anthem: Repeatedly chanting “Finland” in increasing volume until things sort of die outMost Popular Dish: Pickled iceLife Expectancy: 80.63 years, but in FinlandLast Violent Crime: Cudgel War of 1596Prison…Read more…

‘They Can’t Impeach Someone They Can’t See,’ Say Trump Boys Cramming Dad Into Homemade Bunker Under Oval Office Desk

WASHINGTON—Hastily concealing the “super top secret” shelter’s entrance with a couch cushion, the Trump boys reportedly declared “They can’t impeach someone they can’t see” Friday while cramming their dad into a homemade bunker under the Oval Office desk. “The House peach managers [sic] are never, ever gonna be able…Read more…

TV Character Knows All This Hardship She’s Experiencing Now Will One Day Be Nothing More Than A ‘Previously On’ Clip

HARTFORD, CT—Stressing how important it was to keep her worries in perspective, television character Greta Worthington told reporters Monday that amidst all her present hardships, she still knew everything she was going through would one day be nothing more than a small part of a “previously on” clip. “Sure, right now…Read more…

Deal Alert: This 4-Year-Old Wandered Really Far From The Playground, Your Car’s Right There, And Her Parents Would Definitely Cough Up Enough For A Marvel 3-In-1 Arcade Machine To Get Her Back

Attention all arcade fans! Here’s an opportunity that’s just too good to miss out on: This 4-year-old girl wandered really far away from the playground, your car’s right there, and her parents would definitely cough up enough for a Marvel three-in-one arcade machine to get her back.Read more…

Unclear What Licensing Deal Led To Single Season 4 Episode Of ‘The Blacklist’ Being Available For Viewing On Airplane

LOS ANGELES, CA—Explaining how the in-flight entertainment console didn’t feature any other installments of the crime thriller television series, local man Lucas Grant told reporters Monday that it was unclear what kind of licensing deal led to a single Season 4 episode of The Blacklist being available for viewing on…Read more…

Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling Heavy Objects In Public Spaces

LAS VEGAS—Explaining how constantly throwing bar stools strengthens several different muscle groups, mixed martial artist Conor McGregor credited his excellent pre-fight shape Saturday to a rigorous workout routine of hurling heavy objects in public spaces. “I’ve never been one for the gym—I need to be out there…Read more…

Man Assumed Being Heartless, Egotistical Maniac Would Have Made Him Richer By Now

SAN FRANCISCO—Voicing frustration with a strategy that had inexplicably failed to pay off, local man Cole Peterson admitted to reporters Friday that he assumed being a heartless, egotistical maniac would have made him richer by now. “I really thought being a cutthroat asshole at work and selling out all my friends and…Read more…