Intergalactic Animal Rights Groups Condemn Use Of Brutal, Unsanitary Planet To Raise Human Meat

PR 0201 B—Issuing their latest denunciation in a long string of statements deploring the treatment of living, sentient beings, intergalactic animal rights groups reportedly condemned the use of a brutal, unsanitary planet Friday to raise human meat. “For far too long, we have kept Homo sapiens crammed in disgusting…Read more…

Trump Testing 2024 Waters By Inciting Iowans To Burn State Capitol To Ground

WASHINGTON—Calling the smoldering ruins in downtown Des Moines a potential preview of 2024, pundits theorized Thursday that Donald Trump could be testing the waters for another presidential run by inciting Iowans to burn the state capitol to the ground. “While he has yet to formally announce his intention to run, the…Read more…

White House Warns Supply Chain Shortages Could Lead Americans To Discover True Meaning Of Christmas

WASHINGTON—As reports of worldwide shipping issues continued to mount, the White House warned Wednesday that supply chain shortages could lead Americans to discover the true meaning of Christmas. “Unless these unprecedented scarcities are reversed soon, hundreds of thousands of Americans could be forced to learn that… Read more…

Southwest Still Experiencing Delays After Not Enough People Believe In Power Of Flight To Get Plane To Take Off

DALLAS, TX—Following a weekend that saw record cancellations for North America’s third largest passenger carrier, Southwest Airlines was reportedly still experiencing heavy delays Wednesday after not enough people believed in the power of flight to get their planes to take off. “We apologize for the continued troubles… Read more…

Nets Front Office Wishes Kyrie Irving Would Stop Acting Like Kyrie Irving

BROOKLYN, NY—Expressing frustration with the NBA star’s outspokenness and unorthodox conspiratorial views, the Nets front office confirmed Wednesday that they wish Kyrie Irving would stop acting like Kyrie Irving. “It’s a huge distraction; when you sign a player like Kyrie Irving, you don’t expect to get a player like… Read more…

ISIS Recalls Starting In Bombed-Out Garage

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—Reminiscing about the ruthless terrorist organization’s humble beginnings, members of the Islamic State recounted to reporters Wednesday how they started out as “just a handful of violent extremists” working in a bombed-out garage. “Man, it’s crazy to think that the tiny terror cell operating out of… Read more…

Post-Pandemic Cinema-Goers’ Eyes, Ears Rupture As Senses Overwhelmed By Theater Experience

BRENTWOOD, CA—Unaccustomed to the sheer intensity of the sights and sounds before them, post-pandemic cinema-goers’ eyes and ears reportedly ruptured Wednesday as their senses were overwhelmed by the theater experience. “Oh God, no—what’s that noise—what the hell am I looking at?” said an unidentified person present… Read more…

Unclear What Strings Entrée Pulled To Nab Full-Page Picture On Menu

GORHAM, ME—Voicing their suspicions about backroom deals being cut at the local restaurant, patrons at the Blue Pig Diner told reporters Tuesday it was unclear to them what strings the Caesar salad wrap entrée had pulled to snag a full-page color picture on the menu. “There’s no way that wrap got on there all by… … Continue reading “Unclear What Strings Entrée Pulled To Nab Full-Page Picture On Menu”

Unhappy Nation Wonders If It Just Projecting 45% Approval Rating Of Itself Onto President

WASHINGTON—Admitting they had been pretty dissatisfied with their own lives lately, the American people wondered Tuesday if their unhappiness was causing them to project a 45% approval rating of themselves onto President Joe Biden. “It just occurred to me that my personal frustrations and feelings of worthlessness… Read more…

Bisexual Superman Ruins Comic For Fan Who Preferred Smoldering Homoerotic Undertones

SANTA CRUZ, CA—Lamenting that the iconic hero’s good run had come to an end, local man Eugene Edgars told reporters Tuesday that DC’s recent announcement of Superman’s bisexuality had completely ruined the comics for him as he preferred the character’s smoldering homoerotic undertones. “Man, I miss when Superman’s… Read more…

Paramount Reveals ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ Features Tom Cruise Actually Bombing A Yemeni Village

LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the movie eschewed computer graphics and digital wizardry to give viewers a truly edge-of-their-seat experience, Paramount Studios executive Kevin Holt revealed Tuesday that Top Gun: Maverick would feature Tom Cruise actually bombing a remote Yemeni village. “When we sat down with Tom to… Read more…

Atlanta In Chaos After City Changes Names Of All Streets To ‘Maple Drive’ To Distance Itself From Confederate Past

ATLANTA—Sending motorists and pedestrians alike into a sea of confusion, Atlanta was reportedly in chaos Tuesday after officials changed the names of every street to “Maple Drive” in an effort to distance the city from its Confederate past. “We applaud the municipality’s decision to no longer honor these racist… Read more…

Mueller Suddenly Pieces Together Solution To Russia Collusion Case While Watering Plants

WASHINGTON—Mumbling “my God” with a look of horror on his face, former special counsel Robert Mueller suddenly pieced together the solution to the Russia collusion case while watering his plants, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It can’t be—but of course!” said Mueller, who paid no mind to the watering can that had slipped… Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more…

Yellowstone Bouncer Escorts High Roller To VIP Area To Meet And Mingle With Grizzly Bears

GARDINER, MT—Pulling aside a velvet rope as he waved the well-heeled hiker forward, a bouncer at Yellowstone National Park reportedly escorted a high roller to the VIP area Monday to meet and mingle with a few of the habitat’s celebrated grizzly bears. “How about a more private party with some of our bears?” said the…Read … Continue reading “Yellowstone Bouncer Escorts High Roller To VIP Area To Meet And Mingle With Grizzly Bears”

Yellowstone Bouncer Escorts High Roller To VIP Area To Meet And Mingle With Grizzly Bears

GARDINER, MT—Pulling aside a velvet rope as he waved the well-heeled hiker forward, a bouncer at Yellowstone National Park reportedly escorted a high roller to the VIP area Monday to meet and mingle with a few of the habitat’s celebrated grizzly bears. “How about a more private party with some of our bears?” said the…Read … Continue reading “Yellowstone Bouncer Escorts High Roller To VIP Area To Meet And Mingle With Grizzly Bears”

Yellowstone Bouncer Escorts High Roller To VIP Area To Meet And Mingle With Grizzly Bears

GARDINER, MT—Pulling aside a velvet rope as he waved the well-heeled hiker forward, a bouncer at Yellowstone National Park reportedly escorted a high roller to the VIP area Monday to meet and mingle with a few of the habitat’s celebrated grizzly bears. “How about a more private party with some of our bears?” said the…Read … Continue reading “Yellowstone Bouncer Escorts High Roller To VIP Area To Meet And Mingle With Grizzly Bears”

Yellowstone Bouncer Escorts High Roller To VIP Area To Meet And Mingle With Grizzly Bears

GARDINER, MT—Pulling aside a velvet rope as he waved the well-heeled hiker forward, a bouncer at Yellowstone National Park reportedly escorted a high roller to the VIP area Monday to meet and mingle with a few of the habitat’s celebrated grizzly bears. “How about a more private party with some of our bears?” said the…Read … Continue reading “Yellowstone Bouncer Escorts High Roller To VIP Area To Meet And Mingle With Grizzly Bears”