Author: TheOnion.com

The Onion is the world’s leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history. In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily. The Onion is now available exclusively online without charge in order to take advantage of various charity tax benefits.

Fox News Slams CNN For Providing Biden Each Question Seconds Before He Answered It

WASHINGTON—Expressing outrage that the network’s moderators would stoop so low on a nationally televised town hall, Fox News pundits slammed CNN Friday for providing Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden each question seconds before he answered it. “Biden’s responses to CNN’s questions clearly show that he’d…Read more…

Trump Signs Executive Order Establishing ‘1946 Commission’ To Teach How America Started At President’s Birth

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters the organization would help combat decades of left-wing indoctrination about the country’s founding, Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday establishing the “1946 Commission,” a project dedicated to teaching students that America started at the president’s birth. “For too long,…Read more…

Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

HOUMA, LA—Expressing disbelief about what he was seeing, local conservative conspiracy theorist Ted Biddle was reportedly outraged Friday after stumbling upon an entire section on Netflix dedicated to kids. “Jesus Christ, this is more fucked up than we ever realized—it says ‘Kids’ right there!” said Biddle, who leapt…Read more…

White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the vial would be filled with liquid odds and ends, President Donald Trump vowed Friday to have something to stick into your arm by October. “Today, I pledge to all citizens of this great nation that within the next few months, you will be able to go somewhere, sit down, and then pay … Continue reading “White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October”

Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings

SEATTLE—Revealing that the mystery has baffled scientists for the past hundred years, researchers at the University of Washington announced Friday that they have been studying the brains of select baseball fans to discover how they manage to stay interested throughout the first seven innings. “Although we have been…Read more…

Democratic Process In Peril As Millions Of Americans Chase After Mail-In Ballots Caught In Wind

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming the nation’s social contract was on the brink of collapse, researchers from Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government warned Thursday the democratic process was in peril as millions of registered voters chased after mail-in ballots caught in a gust of wind. “With 30% of the U.S.…Read more…

New SVEN Initiative To Help Young Girls Become Swedish Scientists Who Ski Snowy Slopes

STORLIEN, SWEDEN—Stressing the campaign would provide more academic and deep-powder opportunities for female students, the Linköping Project announced their SVEN Initiative Thursday to help young girls become Swedish scientists who ski snowy slopes. “We want to empower women everywhere to realize there is nothing…Read more…

Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

TAMPA, FL—Expressing concerns that Tampa Bay had not yet undertaken the basic prep he used to do in New England, quarterback Tom Brady confessed Thursday that he wasn’t sure how to ask Buccaneers head coach Bruce Arians for tape of their opponent’s practice. “This is a new system, so I don’t know whether we go … Continue reading “Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice”

Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation

On the anniversary of the signing of our nation’s Constitution, hear how the newly authenticated diary entries of Ben Franklin point to his revolutionary theory that electricity could be harnessed from lightning and trained to flow from the clouds to his erect penis, providing immense pleasure.Read more…

Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Grown Too Accustomed To Fancy Hotel With Free Wi-Fi

BAY LAKE, FL—Following his team’s elimination from the NBA playoffs, Los Angeles Clippers star Kawhi Leonard was reportedly worried Wednesday that he had grown too accustomed to living in a fancy hotel with free Wi-Fi. “All of these free soaps, free breakfasts, and an ice maker right down the hall—this is the kind of…Read more…

Professional Bowler Falls Into Existential Crisis After Realizing There No Way To Know How Deep Finger Holes Go

CLERMONT, FL—Begging his wife to promise that his life actually has a purpose and meaning, PBA bowler Norm Duke reportedly fell into an existential crisis Wednesday after realizing there is no way to know how deep finger holes go. “How can anything be knowable if such an impossible problem exists? What if the holes go…Read … Continue reading “Professional Bowler Falls Into Existential Crisis After Realizing There No Way To Know How Deep Finger Holes Go”

Shocked Americans Never Thought They’d See Forced Sterilization Of Minorities Happen Here Again And Again And Again

WASHINGTON—After shocking reports surfaced that doctors at Irwin County Detention Center in Georgia performed forced hysterectomies on female detainees, horrified Americans confirmed Wednesday that they never thought they’d see forced sterilization of minorities happen here again and again and again and again. “As a…Read more…

Apple Announces New Watch With Rabbit-Ear Antenna That Can Pick Up 5 Local Channels

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product as the latest innovation in wearable technology, Apple announced Wednesday that its new smartwatch would feature a rabbit-ear antenna capable of picking up five or more television channels in the area where a user lives. “In addition to improved battery life and a blood-oxygen sensor,…Read more…

Pope Francis Gets Self Thrown Into Hell As Part Of Plot To Take Down High-Level Demon Ring

THIRD CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that going deep undercover within the adversary’s organization was the only way to destroy the nefarious horde of fiends, Pope Francis reportedly had himself thrown into Hell Wednesday as part of a coordinated attempt to take down a high-level demon ring. “Sometimes the only way out is…Read more…

LeBron Finally Reaches Western Conference Finals After 17 Seasons In League

LOS ANGELES—Breaking through to accomplish what so many doubters never thought he could do, LeBron James finally reached the NBA Western Conference finals after 17 seasons in the league. “LeBron’s always been on the cusp of greatness, but somehow he’s always fallen short of the Western Conference finals,” said analyst…Read more…

‘And These Are My Nobel Peace Prizes,’ Says Trump, Gesturing Toward Room Of Plastic Trophies

WASHINGTON—Leading a White House guest on a tour of the Executive Residence, President Donald Trump was overheard Tuesday saying, “And these are my Nobel Peace Prizes,” as he gestured toward a room filled with what appeared mostly to be youth athletic trophies. “This one is for my foreign policy, and these two are the…Read more…

Woman Just Wants To Date Guy Who Can Make Her Laugh, Like Cartman

SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting that it was tough sometimes to find a man who shared her crude, unfiltered sense of humor, local 29-year-old Stephanie Burton told reporters Tuesday she just wanted to date a guy who could make her laugh, like Cartman. “For me, I’ve been in relationships with a lot of different guys, but at the…Read … Continue reading “Woman Just Wants To Date Guy Who Can Make Her Laugh, Like Cartman”

Conservative Evangelical Asks God To Give Her Strength To Incorporate Forced Hysterectomies Into Belief System

CORDOVA, TN—Praying that the Lord Almighty would help her understand the recent whistleblower reports about Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s treatment of migrant detainees, conservative evangelical woman Melissa Carson reportedly asked God Tuesday to give her strength to incorporate forced hysterectomies into her…Read more…

Nation Infuriated Sunday Comic Strips Still Wildly Unsynchronized With Weekday Storylines

WASHINGTON—Bristling with anger as they paged through the news over breakfast, the nation was reportedly furious this weekend that the narratives of the comic strips in their Sunday papers remained wildly unsynchronized with the plots of their Monday through Saturday counterparts. “Goddamnit, just yesterday I was…Read more…

Deli Worker Searches For Palest, Mealiest Tomato To Put On Customer’s Sandwich

YARMOUTH, MA—Expressing exasperation at the limited field of options that could properly adorn the turkey club, Xpress Fresh worker Greg Sacco reportedly searched through a deli tub Monday for the palest, mealiest tomato that he could put on a customer’s sandwich. “It’s tough, because you really want something…Read more…