Author: TheOnion.com

ALBANY, NY—In the wake of damning revelations concerning the New York governor’s sexual misconduct, an increasingly desperate Andrew Cuomo attempted to shift media focus back onto the nursing home deaths caused by his administration at a Wednesday press conference. “Of course, I appreciate the concern about these…Read more…

NEW YORK—In an effort to accommodate pupils who are realistic about their chances in the industry, the performing arts conservatory Juilliard announced Wednesday that it had formed a new business school for students who realize the whole acting thing is probably a long shot. “This exciting new program will serve to…Read more…

ATLANTA—Warning that the new inaccuracies were considerably more contagious than previous varieties, a Centers for Disease Control study released Wednesday found that falsehoods about the Delta variant may spread twice as easily as the original Covid-19 misinformation. “Our data indicate that the transmissibility of…Read more…

New York City will become the first major city in the U.S. to require proof of vaccination for restaurants, gyms, theaters, and other indoor activities, which officials hope will put pressure on people to get vaccinated. What do you think?Read more…

LA VISTA, NE—In a stunning display of self-delusional and outright ignorance, local kindergartner Mia Gaughan told reporters Wednesday that she wants to compete in the Olympics someday despite already being 4 years behind in elite training. “I’m going to be just like her one day!” said Gaughan, pointing to the TV…Read more…

Dear gamers, if there’s anything we value here at OGN, it’s humility. Although we may very well be the internet’s foremost voice in gaming journalism, we are human beings too, human beings who have flaws and imperfections, just like yourselves. When we get caught making a mistake, we want to own up to it as … Continue reading “Our Bad, Gamers: Historians Tell Us ‘Axis Of Evil’ Does Not Actually Refer To People Who Use Inverted Aiming Controls”

SALEM, MA—In an impressive display of neutrality and fair-mindedness, sources confirmed Wednesday that the packaging for Better Oats Steel Cut Oatmeal refused to say which cooking method was preferred. “What’s so refreshing about these particular oatmeal-making directions is that they put both the stovetop and the…Read more…

As tensions grow across the country over managing the coronavirus pandemic, the healthcare privacy law HIPAA has entered the spotlight, but many people don’t know exactly how HIPAA works. The Onion answers the most common questions people have about HIPAA.Read more…

ROCKVILLE, MD—Furrowing his brow at the cost of housing while looking at listings in the Los Angeles area, loyal Russell Westbrook fan Marc Freeman told reporters Wednesday that he was getting tired of buying a new team jersey and relocating his whole family every year. “I love Russ, but it’s getting tough to try and…Read … Continue reading “Loyal Russell Westbrook Fan Tired Of Buying New Jersey, Relocating Whole Family Every Year”

Poland has granted a humanitarian visa to a Belarusian Olympic sprinter who refused to board a flight home from Tokyo because she feared she’d be arrested upon arrival after criticizing team officials. What do you think?Read more…

Buying a dog is hard enough without having to care for a twisted, genetic monstrosity produced from thousands of years of canine inbreeding. Here are the most unethical kinds of dogs you can purchase, and why you should avoid them.Read more…

TOKYO—Citing the distraction of large raptorial birds with wingspans of up to 5 feet, multiple Olympic divers told reporters Wednesday they struggled to complete their events after being tormented by a family of black kite hawks that was nesting on an adjacent platform. “My God, someone make the screeching stop—it’s…Read more…

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Florida recently broke both its records for most confirmed daily Covid-19 cases since the start of the pandemic and Covid-19 hospitalizations, with more than 10,200 people currently hospitalized. What do you think?Read more…

WASHINGTON—Following delicate bipartisan negotiations to update U.S. roads, highways, and bridges, the Senate moved forward Tuesday on a landmark infrastructure bill that would fund an 11,000-mile-long detour around the nation during construction. “It’s taken years, but we have finally reached a deal on a pair of…Read more…

WASHINGTON—The members of the U.S. Senate were seen Tuesday packing up their Capitol offices after the Senate reportedly lost their Congress contract to an upstart private legislator firm. “Well, it’s been a good run being in charge of Congress, but an aging government organization like the Senate just can’t compete…Read more…

LOS ANGELES—With critics deriding the move as an unethical use of technology, the documentary Roadrunner: A Film About Anthony Bourdain was lambasted Tuesday for using A.I. to recreate a talking pastrami sandwich. “I kept asking myself throughout the film, ‘How did they get these intimate conversations between…Read more…

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CHICAGO—Responding to the apprehensive look on his guest’s face, local man Nathan Wagner reportedly assured a visiting friend Tuesday that his tap water always looks like that. “Oh, don’t worry—I know it looks weird, but I drink it all the time,” said Wagner, who attempted to get ahead of any concerns his friend might…Read more…

LANSING, MI—In an effort to maximize the return on a newly constructed property they were trying to sell, local real estate developers Wellstone & Associates on Tuesday reportedly decided that a nearby colorful bench was enough to deem the area an “arts district.” “The bench is red, yellow, green and blue, and it…Read more…

SEATTLE—Telling his acolytes that they were simply not hitting the mark to attract the eye of the acclaimed cable channel, Glensard Handswith, principle master of the Tricyclonian Order, warned followers Tuesday that things needed to get way more deranged for their cult to ever be made into an HBO documentary. “All…Read more…

A newborn baby in Israel shocked doctors after an X-ray revealed she carried a twin fetus inside her stomach, an extremely rare occurrence that only arises once in every 500,000 births. What do you think?Read more…

WASHINGTON—Following the expiration of the federal eviction moratorium intended to help tenants during the coronavirus pandemic, congressional leaders advised newly evicted Americans Monday to just relocate to their second homes. “As evictions ramp up all around the country, we urge anyone who has been forced out of…Read more…

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CHICAGO—In an effort to cope with the massive influx of patients from the eight-stage, 170-band music festival in nearby Grant Park, an overwhelmed Rush University Medical Center announced Monday that it would be giving priority to Lollapalooza’s VIP ticket holders. “We encourage all concertgoers with Platinum or VIP…Read more…

A report by the Commerce Department has found that the United States’ GDP grew at a 6.5% annual rate last quarter as the nation recovers from the coronavirus recession, with the total size of the economy now surpassing where it was before the pandemic. What do you think?Read more…

Except for the ones who botch surgeries or misdiagnose cancers, doctors aren’t stupid. Here are the most common white lies everyone tells medical professionals that your doctor can see right through.Read more…

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WALTHAM, MA—Reminiscing wistfully about her departed spouse, local woman Helen Calkins reportedly wished Monday that her husband was still alive to help her bury his body in their garden. “Oh, Frank always loved getting his hands dirty in the backyard, so it would have been a real pleasure for him to dig a shallow…Read more…

BOSTON—Abandoning its most sacred duty to defend the sight organ from dust and other ocular irritants, a traitorous eyelash got into the eye of local man Richard Paulson despite being sworn to protect it, sources confirmed Monday. “You son of a bitch, I never should have trusted you,” said Paulson, his eye watering as…Read more…

A 60-year-old French woman has been jailed for five and a half years in London after posing as a diamond expert and stealing seven precious gems in an elaborate daytime heist, even pretending she couldn’t speak English to buy herself more time to switch the rare stones out for a bag filled with pebbles. What … Continue reading “Diamonds Swapped For Pebbles In $5.8 Million Heist”

WASHINGTON—Noting that it was an invasive species not normally seen in this environment, NASA researchers announced Monday the discovery of a galaxy-sized goldfish that astronauts had discarded from the space shuttle in 1988. “These things will just grow to fit their environment, so in the vacuum of space, it’s been…Read more…

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“My silver medal turned my neck all green.”Read more…

Ugh, we’ve got some tough news to share with you today, gamers. It looks like Kirby has been kicked out of the Garden of Eden after inhaling a fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. We hate to see such an unfortunate turn of events since Kirby could have been frolicking in … Continue reading “Bad News Gamers: Kirby Has Been Expelled From The Garden Of Eden After Inhaling Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge”

Fear of contracting coronavirus has prompted many restaurants to replace their paper menus with QR codes, a type of digital barcode technology, though it remains to be seen whether the trend will continue as the country recovers from the pandemic. What do you think?Read more…

LOS ANGELES—Alleging that the movie should have legally never been allowed to see the light of day, Scarlett Johansson reportedly sued Disney this week for breach of contract that guaranteed Black Widow would never be released. “To protect her interests, career, and her financial stake in the project, Ms. Johansson…Read more…

CHICAGO—Saying the combination created a sensory experience like no other, Lollapalooza attendee Emily Payne told reporters Friday that she loved the high you get from mixing ecstasy with heatstroke. “I swear, if you go five hours in the sun without water and then pop a molly, you get so damn blitzed,” said the…Read more…

PBS’s educational series Arthur about an 8-year-old anthropomorphic aardvark navigating life will end after 25 seasons, making it the longest-running kids animated series in history. What do you think?Read more…

The Tokyo Olympics feature four new sports, including skateboarding, surfing, and karate, all chosen after a long and contentious process. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how new Olympic sports are chosen.Read more…

TOKYO—With the pair continuing to exhibit flawlessly coordinated physical behaviors, reports confirmed frightened Olympic divers Wang Zongyuan and Xie Siyi remained unable to desynchronize their movements Friday, a full two days after winning gold in the 3-meter springboard event. “Oh God, what is happening? Why won’t…Read more…

BARREN UPLANDS, SKULL ISLAND—After posing for photos on the shoulder of the 150-foot-tall, hirsute pastor, Pope Francis reportedly held a mass for several thousand worshippers this week alongside Lokka, the giant ape bishop of Skull Island. “Although this is only a brief visit, His Holiness has a very busy schedule…Read more…

BROOKLYN—Shrugging and deciding it would be nice to get some ice cream right now instead of vowing to destroy rival players, former Oklahoma State point guard Cade Cunningham was reportedly feeling unmotivated Thursday after zero teams passed on him in the NBA draft. “I was all ready to fuel my workouts by thinking of…Read more…

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With the Tokyo Summer games postponed an entire year due to Covid-19, athletes had no choice but to find new and creative ways to stay fit. We asked Olympians how they trained during a global pandemic, and this is what they said.Read more…

New satellite images indicate that China is digging a field of missile silos 1,200 miles west of Beijing, signifying a potentially vast expansion of the country’s nuclear arsenal. What do you think?Read more…

NEW YORK—Saying the film “couldn’t have been released at a better time,” critics reportedly hailed Jungle Cruise Thursday as a thrilling reminder to cancel Disney+. “Action and adventure aficionados will love Jungle Cruise, the movie guaranteed to get your adrenaline pumping as you remember your Disney+ subscription…Read more…

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For the first time in nearly two decades, only half of U.S. households donated to charity, confirming a long-running trend where donations are reaching record highs, but the giving is being done by a smaller percentage of the population. What do you think?Read more…

NEW YORK—Touting the inhalant as the first of its kind to give the parents of athletes the extra push they need, Phillip Morris unveiled a new line of high-performance sport cigarettes Thursday for abusive Olympic parents. “When you’re forcing your child to do punishing workout after workout, your body depletes a lot…Read more…