Juilliard Opens Business School For Students Who Realize Acting Thing Probably A Long Shot

NEW YORK—In an effort to accommodate pupils who are realistic about their chances in the industry, the performing arts conservatory Juilliard announced Wednesday that it had formed a new business school for students who realize the whole acting thing is probably a long shot. “This exciting new program will serve to…Read more…

Study Finds Falsehoods About Delta Variant May Spread Twice As Easily As Original Covid Misinformation

ATLANTA—Warning that the new inaccuracies were considerably more contagious than previous varieties, a Centers for Disease Control study released Wednesday found that falsehoods about the Delta variant may spread twice as easily as the original Covid-19 misinformation. “Our data indicate that the transmissibility of…Read more…

‘I Want To Be In The Olympics Someday,’ Says Delusional Kindergartner Already 4 Years Behind In Elite Training

LA VISTA, NE—In a stunning display of self-delusional and outright ignorance, local kindergartner Mia Gaughan told reporters Wednesday that she wants to compete in the Olympics someday despite already being 4 years behind in elite training. “I’m going to be just like her one day!” said Gaughan, pointing to the TV…Read more…

Our Bad, Gamers: Historians Tell Us ‘Axis Of Evil’ Does Not Actually Refer To People Who Use Inverted Aiming Controls

Dear gamers, if there’s anything we value here at OGN, it’s humility. Although we may very well be the internet’s foremost voice in gaming journalism, we are human beings too, human beings who have flaws and imperfections, just like yourselves. When we get caught making a mistake, we want to own up to it as … Continue reading “Our Bad, Gamers: Historians Tell Us ‘Axis Of Evil’ Does Not Actually Refer To People Who Use Inverted Aiming Controls”

Loyal Russell Westbrook Fan Tired Of Buying New Jersey, Relocating Whole Family Every Year

ROCKVILLE, MD—Furrowing his brow at the cost of housing while looking at listings in the Los Angeles area, loyal Russell Westbrook fan Marc Freeman told reporters Wednesday that he was getting tired of buying a new team jersey and relocating his whole family every year. “I love Russ, but it’s getting tough to try and…Read … Continue reading “Loyal Russell Westbrook Fan Tired Of Buying New Jersey, Relocating Whole Family Every Year”

Infrastructure Bill To Fund 11,000-Mile-Long Detour Around Nation During Construction

WASHINGTON—Following delicate bipartisan negotiations to update U.S. roads, highways, and bridges, the Senate moved forward Tuesday on a landmark infrastructure bill that would fund an 11,000-mile-long detour around the nation during construction. “It’s taken years, but we have finally reached a deal on a pair of…Read more…

Anthony Bourdain Doc Under Fire For Using AI To Recreate Talking Pastrami Sandwich

LOS ANGELES—With critics deriding the move as an unethical use of technology, the documentary Roadrunner: A Film About Anthony Bourdain was lambasted Tuesday for using A.I. to recreate a talking pastrami sandwich. “I kept asking myself throughout the film, ‘How did they get these intimate conversations between…Read more…

Real Estate Developers Decide Colorful Bench Enough To Deem Area ‘Arts District’

LANSING, MI—In an effort to maximize the return on a newly constructed property they were trying to sell, local real estate developers Wellstone & Associates on Tuesday reportedly decided that a nearby colorful bench was enough to deem the area an “arts district.” “The bench is red, yellow, green and blue, and it…Read more…

Cult Leader Warns Followers Things Need To Get Way More Deranged To Be Made Into HBO Documentary Series

SEATTLE—Telling his acolytes that they were simply not hitting the mark to attract the eye of the acclaimed cable channel, Glensard Handswith, principle master of the Tricyclonian Order, warned followers Tuesday that things needed to get way more deranged for their cult to ever be made into an HBO documentary. “All…Read more…

Overrun Chicago Hospital Giving Priority To Lollapalooza’s VIP Ticket Holders

CHICAGO—In an effort to cope with the massive influx of patients from the eight-stage, 170-band music festival in nearby Grant Park, an overwhelmed Rush University Medical Center announced Monday that it would be giving priority to Lollapalooza’s VIP ticket holders. “We encourage all concertgoers with Platinum or VIP…Read more…

Diamonds Swapped For Pebbles In $5.8 Million Heist

A 60-year-old French woman has been jailed for five and a half years in London after posing as a diamond expert and stealing seven precious gems in an elaborate daytime heist, even pretending she couldn’t speak English to buy herself more time to switch the rare stones out for a bag filled with pebbles. What … Continue reading “Diamonds Swapped For Pebbles In $5.8 Million Heist”

Researchers Discover Galaxy-Sized Goldfish Astronauts Discarded From Space Shuttle In 1988

WASHINGTON—Noting that it was an invasive species not normally seen in this environment, NASA researchers announced Monday the discovery of a galaxy-sized goldfish that astronauts had discarded from the space shuttle in 1988. “These things will just grow to fit their environment, so in the vacuum of space, it’s been…Read more…

Bad News Gamers: Kirby Has Been Expelled From The Garden Of Eden After Inhaling Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge

Ugh, we’ve got some tough news to share with you today, gamers. It looks like Kirby has been kicked out of the Garden of Eden after inhaling a fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. We hate to see such an unfortunate turn of events since Kirby could have been frolicking in … Continue reading “Bad News Gamers: Kirby Has Been Expelled From The Garden Of Eden After Inhaling Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge”

Scarlett Johansson Sues Disney For Breach Of Contract That Guaranteed ‘Black Widow’ Would Never Be Released

LOS ANGELES—Alleging that the movie should have legally never been allowed to see the light of day, Scarlett Johansson reportedly sued Disney this week for breach of contract that guaranteed Black Widow would never be released. “To protect her interests, career, and her financial stake in the project, Ms. Johansson…Read more…

Music Festival Attendee Loves The High You Get From Mixing Ecstasy With Heatstroke

CHICAGO—Saying the combination created a sensory experience like no other, Lollapalooza attendee Emily Payne told reporters Friday that she loved the high you get from mixing ecstasy with heatstroke. “I swear, if you go five hours in the sun without water and then pop a molly, you get so damn blitzed,” said the…Read more…

Frightened Olympic Divers Still Unable To Desynchronize Movements Days After Event

TOKYO—With the pair continuing to exhibit flawlessly coordinated physical behaviors, reports confirmed frightened Olympic divers Wang Zongyuan and Xie Siyi remained unable to desynchronize their movements Friday, a full two days after winning gold in the 3-meter springboard event. “Oh God, what is happening? Why won’t…Read more…

Phillip Morris Launches High-Performance Sport Cigarette For Abusive Olympic Parents

NEW YORK—Touting the inhalant as the first of its kind to give the parents of athletes the extra push they need, Phillip Morris unveiled a new line of high-performance sport cigarettes Thursday for abusive Olympic parents. “When you’re forcing your child to do punishing workout after workout, your body depletes a lot…Read more…