WASHINGTON—Paying $10,000 a ticket to participate in the festivities, wealthy Biden supporters waltzed with cardboard cutouts of the president and Vice President Kamala Harris Wednesday during the socially distanced inaugural ball. “It’s great to still be able to celebrate this historic day despite Covid…Read more…
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Irritated Kyrie Irving Refuses To Be Perceived By Media After Rejoining Nets
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Nation Could Have Sworn There Was Already First Female Vice President
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing there was no way they were wrong about this, the nation told reporters Wednesday they could have sworn there had already been a first female vice president. “Everyone’s calling Kamala Harris the first woman to be elected vice president, but surely there was at least one before that, right?”…Read more…
Retiring Phillip Rivers Regrets Never Catching Genghis Khan On All-Time Child Production List
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White Man Finds It Fitting That Today Also Martin Luther King Jr. Day
WASHINGTON—Smiling to himself about the historical parallels it invited, local white man Cam Hopkins told reporters Wednesday that he found it fitting that the day of Biden’s historic inauguration was also Martin Luther King Jr. Day. “It’s probably just a coincidence, but they really couldn’t have picked a day with…Read more…
Horrified Biden Family Discovers Rotting, Months-Old Corpse Of Jeff Sessions In White House Executive Residence
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Mets Fire General Manager For Sexually Harassing Reporter
The New York Mets have fired General Manager Jared Porter for sending dozens of texts and explicit photos to a woman reporter in 2016. What do you think?Read more…
Next Steps For Trump Administration Members
As Donald Trump’s divisive presidency draws to a close, questions have arisen as to the future plans of his administration, and whether they will face difficulties securing positions outside the White House. The Onion provides analysis of what the Trump administration members will do next.Read more…
Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden
WASHINGTON—When the life of the newly inaugurated 78-year-old president was threatened Wednesday, Secret Service agent Marshall Cole did not hesitate to dive heroically in front of the strong breeze that could have felled Joe Biden, according to reports from the scene. “I wouldn’t have accepted this detail with the…Read more…
Panicked National Guard Troops Shoot Down Military Flyover
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Bored Flags Already Filtering Out Of Inauguration Halfway Through Biden Speech
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Crowd Politely Cheers Along As Pat Toomey’s Senate Jazz Combo Plays Opening Set At Inauguration
WASHINGTON—Moments after the five-piece band capped off a hard bop-inflected rendition of “Hail To The Chief,” the inauguration crowd reportedly politely cheered along Wednesday as Sen. Pat Toomey’s jazz combo played the opening set before the swearing-in of Joe Biden. “Yeah, Toomey’s band definitely isn’t as tight as…Read more…
Stray Doberman Accidentally Sworn In As President After Putting Paw On Inaugural Bible
WASHINGTON—Letting out a loud, slobbery bark as onlookers gasped in horror, a stray Doberman pinscher who put his paw on the inaugural Bible was accidentally sworn in as president of the United States, government officials confirmed Wednesday. The 98-pound short-haired canine, who bounded up the stage and sprinted…Read more…
‘Look, He Came After All!’ Says Inauguration Guest Spotting Trump Crouching With Rifle On Nearby Roof
WASHINGTON—Excited to see that the president had changed his mind about attending the historic event, inauguration guest Ted Mackie was reportedly pleased to see Trump crouching with a rifle on a nearby roof. “I know he was angry about the loss, but at the end of the day, he loves this country, and he wanted … Continue reading “‘Look, He Came After All!’ Says Inauguration Guest Spotting Trump Crouching With Rifle On Nearby Roof”
Vilsack Stuns At Inauguration In 6-Foot-Tall Husk Of Corn
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Trump Directs Movers Loading Bubble-Wrapped Melania Into Storage Pod
WASHINGTON—Warning the crew to be very careful while transporting his valuables outside the White House, Donald Trump reportedly directed movers Wednesday to load a bubble-wrapped Melania into a storage pod. “All right, everything here that I’ve marked with a Sharpie comes with me, and everything else, including the…Read more…
Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club
For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress.Read more…
U.S. Enters Constitutional Crisis After Forgetting Whether Transfer Of Presidential Power Happens At 12 A.M. Or 12 P.M.
WASHINGTON—Unable to pinpoint the exact time the new administration takes over, the United States reportedly entered a constitutional crisis Wednesday after officials forgot whether the transfer of presidential power happens at 12:00 a.m. or 12:00 p.m. “Shit, shit, shit, do we have Biden take over at midnight or does…Read more…
FBI Vetting 25,000 National Guard Members Ahead Of Inauguration
The FBI is screening all 25,000 National Guard troops involved in securing the Capitol during Joe Biden’s Wednesday inauguration due to concerns of an insider attack. What do you think?Read more…
Researchers Suggest Wild Horses Don’t Have To Worry About Any Of This
MILFORD, UT—Peering into the middle distance with evident longing for something better, something more, researchers from Columbia University confirmed Tuesday that wild horses don’t have to worry about this, but only run free on the plains with the wind their manes. “What we’ve found is that all these worries, these…Read more…
‘New York Times’ Retracts Entire ‘The Daily’ Amid Revelations It Completely Fabricated Michael Barbaro
NEW YORK—Apologizing for misleading readers after new evidence came to light, the New York Times announced Tuesday that it was retracting the entire podcast The Daily amid revelations that the newspaper had completely fabricated Michael Barbaro. “Our readers deserve transparency and accountability, which is why we’re…Read more…
Trump To Issue Up To 100 Pardons On Tuesday
President Trump is expected to issue up to 100 pardons and commutations before he leaves office Wednesday, though his advisors are urging him not to pardon himself, his family or his supporters from the January 6th Capitol riot. What do you think?Read more…
Up-And-Coming White Supremacist Added To FBI’s Terrorists To Watch List
WASHINGTON—Saying the violent extremist had showed the grit and determination to earn his place on the coveted list, FBI director Christopher Wray told reporters Tuesday about plans to add white supremacist Peter Nowak to the agency’s Terrorists To Watch List. “Elevating Nowak to the top of this list is our way of…Read more…
Trump Panicking After Realizing Fingerprints All Over White House
WASHINGTON—Feeling agitated and desperate with less than 24 hours on the clock, President Donald Trump was reportedly panicking Tuesday after realizing his fingerprints were all over the White House. “Oh God, I touched everything—there’s no way we have time to get this whole place cleaned,” said Trump, who emptied a…Read more…
Who’s Zoomin Who
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Welfare Check
How glad I am that that absolute heckscape known as 2020 is finally over! Whew! I don’t care if the year made the greatest novelty New Year’s eyeglasses of my lifetime! 2020? More like two-oh-two-NO! (No offense intended to anyone who had a great 2020.)Read more…
What To Watch For At The Presidential Inauguration
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New Erectile Dysfunction Start-Up Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse
It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home.Read more…
Chic Apartment Features Exposed Brick Right Outside Living Room Window
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Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant
Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick.Read more…
God Blindsided After Illegitimate Son From Andromeda Galaxy Tracks Him Down In Heaven
THE HEAVENS—Expressing uncertainty about how to handle the awkward situation, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly blindsided Monday after His illegitimate son Xyzyys from the Andromeda Galaxy tracked Him down. “Dammit, he clearly used his own money to travel here and he doesn’t have any way to get home, so I guess I…Read more…
Spatter Analyst Finally Working With Blood After Years Paying Dues With Urine
NEW YORK—Happy to move on to the next phase of her career, Nicole Marinos, a spatter analyst with the New York Police Department, told reporters Monday that she has finally started working with blood after years of paying her dues working with urine. “It’s nice to finally move onto more important forensics work after…Read more…
Seth Rich Conspiracy Theorists Publicly Apologize As Part Of Lawsuit Settlement
Ed Butowsky and Matt Couch, two conspiracy theorists who pushed false claims about the death of DNC staffer Seth Rich, have retracted their statements and publicly apologized after settling a lawsuit brought by the victim’s brother. What do you think?Read more…
God Blindsided After Illegitimate Son From Andromeda Galaxy Tracks Him Down In Heaven
THE HEAVENS—Expressing uncertainty about how to handle the awkward situation, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly blindsided Monday after His illegitimate son Xyzyys from the Andromeda Galaxy tracked Him down. “Dammit, he clearly used his own money to travel here and he doesn’t have any way to get home, so I guess I…Read more…
Seth Rich Conspiracy Theorists Publicly Apologize As Part Of Lawsuit Settlement
Ed Butowsky and Matt Couch, two conspiracy theorists who pushed false claims about the death of DNC staffer Seth Rich, have retracted their statements and publicly apologized after settling a lawsuit brought by the victim’s brother. What do you think?Read more…
Spatter Analyst Finally Working With Blood After Years Paying Dues With Urine
NEW YORK—Happy to move on to the next phase of her career, Nicole Marinos, a spatter analyst with the New York Police Department, told reporters Monday that she has finally started working with blood after years of paying her dues working with urine. “It’s nice to finally move onto more important forensics work after…Read more…
Spatter Analyst Finally Working With Blood After Years Paying Dues With Urine
NEW YORK—Happy to move on to the next phase of her career, Nicole Marinos, a spatter analyst with the New York Police Department, told reporters Monday that she has finally started working with blood after years of paying her dues working with urine. “It’s nice to finally move onto more important forensics work after…Read more…
God Blindsided After Illegitimate Son From Andromeda Galaxy Tracks Him Down In Heaven
THE HEAVENS—Expressing uncertainty about how to handle the awkward situation, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly blindsided Monday after His illegitimate son Xyzyys from the Andromeda Galaxy tracked Him down. “Dammit, he clearly used his own money to travel here and he doesn’t have any way to get home, so I guess I…Read more…
Seth Rich Conspiracy Theorists Publicly Apologize As Part Of Lawsuit Settlement
Ed Butowsky and Matt Couch, two conspiracy theorists who pushed false claims about the death of DNC staffer Seth Rich, have retracted their statements and publicly apologized after settling a lawsuit brought by the victim’s brother. What do you think?Read more…
Vince Gilligan Reunites With Bryan Cranston For New Breakfast Bar
LOS ANGELES—Finally announcing the joint venture after months of speculation from fans, Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan reunited with series star Bryan Cranston Monday to produce a new breakfast bar. “Let’s see if we can capture lightning in a bottle for a second time with our frosted-oat brand,” said Gilligan,…Read more…
Vince Gilligan Reunites With Bryan Cranston For New Breakfast Bar
LOS ANGELES—Finally announcing the joint venture after months of speculation from fans, Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan reunited with series star Bryan Cranston Monday to produce a new breakfast bar. “Let’s see if we can capture lightning in a bottle for a second time with our frosted-oat brand,” said Gilligan,…Read more…
MLB Beginning To Suspect Pirates Just A Mob Front
PITTSBURGH—Speculating as to how the listless franchise has still managed to stay open all these years, sources close to the MLB confirmed Friday that the league has begun to suspect the Pittsburgh Pirates are just a mob front. “It must be some kind of money-laundering operation, because they’re clearly doing the bare…Read more…
Lady Gaga, J. Lo To Perform At Biden Inauguration
Lady Gaga will sing the national anthem and J. Lo will perform a musical number as part of next Wednesday’s inaugural ceremonies for President-Elect Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more…
‘She’s Now Eating A Muffin In The Commissary,’ Posts Congresswoman Boebert Continuing To Livetweet Pelosi’s Location
WASHINGTON—Following her brief suspension from the social media platform, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) continued to livetweet House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s location Friday, posting “She’s now eating a muffin in the commissary.” “The Speaker has discarded the baking cup and is now pouring herself a cup of coffee—no,…Read more…
U.S. Mint Introduces New Seven-Cent Coin To Bolster Citizens’ Math Skills
WASHINGTON—Explaining they were excited to “kick things up a notch,” officials from the U.S. Mint announced Friday a new seven-cent coin to bolster citizens’ math skills. “Let’s face it, we made it way too easy the first time,” said U.S. Mint Director David J. Ryder, who shared the bureau’s hopes that the new…Read more…
Nation Enters New Phase Of Vaccine Distribution Where Capricorns, Gymnasts, Childless Uncles Now Eligible For Inoculation
ATLANTA—Reviewing changes to the priorities for Covid-19 vaccine recipients, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday that the nation was entering a new phase of vaccine distribution where Capricorns, gymnasts, and childless uncles were now eligible for inoculation. “If you are between the ages…Read more…
Wikipedia Turns 20
Wikipedia was launched Jan. 15, 2001, and the collaborative open encyclopedia has remained a top go-to website for information. The Onion looks back at the biggest moments in Wikipedia’s history on the site’s 20th anniversary.Read more…
AC Unit Propped Up By Bricks Dangling Precipitously From ISS Window
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Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal
Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time.Read more…
Former Michigan Governor Charged In Flint Water Crisis
Former Michigan governor Rick Snyder and members of his administration have been indicted on criminal charges for their role in the 2014 Flint water crisis that exposed residents in the predominantly Black city to lead, killing 12 and sickening dozens. What do you think?Read more…