Author: TheOnion.com

The Onion is the world’s leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history. In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily. The Onion is now available exclusively online without charge in order to take advantage of various charity tax benefits.

Pittsburgh Honors Ben Roethlisberger With Commemorative Statue In Women’s Bathroom

PITTSBURGH—Saluting the legacy of a quarterback who brought two Super Bowls to the city and did so much to local women, Pittsburgh honored a retiring Ben Roethlisberger Thursday with a new commemorative statue in a local women’s bathroom. “We can’t think of a more fitting tribute to this Pittsburgh hero than a monument…Read more…

Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory

EAST AURORA, NY—Lamenting that he may never get a chance to miss the greatest day of his life, local Buffalo Bills fan Mark Padula was reportedly despondent Thursday as he wondered if a day would ever come when he would be too blackout drunk to remember a Bills victory in the Super Bowl. “I’ve been … Continue reading “Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory”

MLB Owners Propose CBA That Offers Players College Credit In Lieu Of Salary

NEW YORK—In a “generous offer,” meant to bridge the gap between the two sides as contract bargaining negotiations stalled, Major League Baseball’s owners reportedly proposed Thursday that the agreement offer players college credit in lieu of salary. “While the owners strongly disagree with the MLBPA proposals on…Read more…

Biden Meets With Senate Democrats To Discuss Breaking Up Supreme Court Nominee And Confirming Her In Parts

WASHINGTON—In a closed-door meeting to discuss strategies to fill the recently vacated court seat, President Biden reportedly met with Senate Democrats Thursday to discuss breaking up his Supreme Court nominee and confirming her in parts. “Many moderate members of the caucus fear that we’re inviting backlash by trying…Read more…

Dusty Can Of Bamboo Shoots In Back Of Cabinet Last Remaining Trace Of Woman’s Withered Cooking Ambitions

SEATTLE—Digging deep in the back of her kitchen cabinet, local woman Brenna White reportedly uncovered Wednesday a dusty can of bamboo shoots, the last remaining trace of her withered cooking ambitions. “A relic of a lost period,” said the 32-year-old, carefully extricating the item from the far reaches of the pantry,…Read more…

John Stockton Claims Covid Vaccine No. 1 Reason Athletes Fail To Win Single Championship

SPOKANE, WA—Saying it played a “dangerous role” in denying perennial all-stars the rings they clearly deserved, Hall of Fame NBA guard John Stockton claimed Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine was the No. 1 reason athletes failed to win a single championship. “We have no idea what is in this thing, but it’s obviously…Read more…

Police Flip Through Unsolved Crimes To See What Else They Can Pin On Mentally Disabled Man

HOUSTON, TX—Pleased by the unexpected boon to their department, local police officers reportedly flipped through a list of unsolved crimes Wednesday to see what else they could pin on Andy Poulton, the mentally disabled man currently in their custody. “Let’s see, we’ve got a whole bunch of open burglaries and assault…Read more…

Chinese Man Unsure If ‘Godzilla Vs. Kong’ Actually That Bad Or If Government Altered It

CHENGDU, CHINA—Expressing concerns about the blockbuster’s incoherent narrative and lack of real character development, local man Zhong Wei confirmed Wednesday that he was unsure if Godzilla Vs. Kong was actually this bad or if the Chinese government had simply altered the film. “There are definitely some huge plot…Read more…

Mom Believes New Boyfriend Could Give Son Positive Father Figure For Solid Couple Months

SANTA ANA, CA—Saying her child could benefit from the temporary support, 36-year-old single mother Desirée Wexler told reporters Wednesday she believes her new boyfriend could provide her son with a positive father figure for a solid couple of months. “My kid could really use a man to look up to for five to six…Read more…

Frank Vogel Waiting For LeBron To Nod Before Drawing Next Line On White Board

BROOKLYN—Glancing out of the corner of his eye as his hand froze in place, Lakers head coach Frank Vogel was waiting for LeBron James to nod during Tuesday’s game before he drew the next line on his whiteboard. “Now, Anthony will come out to set a pick here so, Trevor can, so um, he can,” … Continue reading “Frank Vogel Waiting For LeBron To Nod Before Drawing Next Line On White Board”

‘It’s Over! It’s All Over!’ Screams Ticonderoga CEO, Dousing Office In Gasoline After Announcement SAT Going Digital

LAKE MARY, FL—Climbing atop his desk and wailing in despair, Dixon Ticonderoga CEO Thomas Clark reportedly screamed, “It’s over, it’s all over!” and doused the company’s offices in gasoline following Tuesday’s announcement that the SAT would go completely digital by 2024. “Everything we’ve built over these years—…Read more…

Too Early To Tell If Recent Celebrity Deaths Part Of Viral Pre-Super Bowl Ad Rollout

SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the theory that everything could be leading up to the greatest advertising campaign of all time, local man 47-year-old Dale Rosenberg told reporters Tuesday that it was too early to tell if the recent celebrity deaths were part of a viral pre-Super Bowl ad rollout. “Sure, the deaths of…Read more…

Tom Brady Rips Into His Nutritional Supplements For Letting Him Down In Big Game

TAMPA, FL—Following his team’s divisional-round playoff loss to the Los Angeles Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady reportedly ripped into his nutritional supplements Tuesday for letting him down in a big game. “Magnesium, turmeric, zinc—I can go right down the list, and all I see are failures and losers…Read more…

Man’s Problems Really Don’t Seem So Bad After Therapist Completely Trivializes Them

DENVER—Feeling like an entirely different person by the end of his 50-minute session, local man Dan Grady confirmed Tuesday that his problems really didn’t seem so bad now that his therapist had completely trivialized them. “It helped a lot to just talk to someone and have her reframe my most painful thoughts and…Read more…

Nation’s Gun-Toting Uncles Announce It’s Time To Learn Where Food Really Comes From

SALTSBURG, PA—Cocking their shotguns and remarking that dinner tonight wouldn’t be for the faint of heart, the nation’s gun-toting uncles announced Tuesday that it was time to learn where food really comes from. “All right, boys, let’s get out there and show them that food doesn’t just come from the supermarket or…Read more…

Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway

NEW YORK—Worried he would never be able to escape the aftereffects of his rigorous religious upbringing, local ex-Catholic Brock Lastra told reporters Tuesday that he still felt a twinge of guilt every time he masturbated on the subway. “I know it’s not logical, but when I start to pleasure myself on the Q train, I…Read … Continue reading “Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway”

Man Hoping His Death Fucked Up Enough That He Gets Law Named After Him

POTTSTOWN, PA—Explaining how it would be an ideal way to go out, area man Albert Bailey told reporters Tuesday that he was hoping his death is fucked up enough that he gets a law named after him. “I’m picturing it now: ‘Albert’s Law,’” said Bailey, fantasizing about his family at the statehouse standing next to … Continue reading “Man Hoping His Death Fucked Up Enough That He Gets Law Named After Him”

Obnoxious Toddler Really Rubbing His Childlike Sense Of Wonder In Everyone’s Faces

DEARBORN, MI—As patience wore thin with the little boy’s repeated expressions of amazement and delight, sources confirmed Monday that obnoxious toddler Liam Primack was really rubbing his sense of childlike wonder in everyone’s faces. “Look, we get it, everything around him is new and exciting as he sees the world…Read more…

Woman Feeling Doubly Conflicted About Attending ‘Harry Potter’-Themed Plantation Wedding

NASHVILLE, TN—Troubled by the ethical implications of such an event, local woman Kennedy Feeney told reporters Monday that she was feeling doubly conflicted about attending a Harry Potter-themed plantation wedding. “She’s a close friend, but when I saw that the venue was a former slave plantation and that we were…Read more…

Leaked Documents Confirm ExxonMobil Has Known Exactly Which Day Earth Ends Since The 1970s

IRVING, TX—Corroborating a suspicion long held by critics in the environmental movement, documents leaked Monday confirmed that ExxonMobil has known exactly which day the world would end since the 1970s. “These documents prove that for decades ExxonMobil executives deliberately obfuscated evidence that they knew the…Read more…

Vacationing Woman Asks Friend To Assume Identity For Next Couple Weeks

CHICAGO—In an effort to ensure everything at home would be taken care of while she was on vacation, local woman Becca Hayworth, 29, reportedly asked Monday if a friend would mind coming by and assuming her identity for the next couple weeks. “If you could just stop by in the mornings, put on my clothes, … Continue reading “Vacationing Woman Asks Friend To Assume Identity For Next Couple Weeks”

Biden Vows That If Russia Invades Ukraine, U.S. Will Invade One Country Of Equivalent Value

WASHINGTON—Condemning Putin’s actions across the region in the strongest possible terms, President Joe Biden vowed Monday that if Russia invaded Ukraine, the United States would invade one country of equivalent value. “Should Russia attempt any incursion on Ukraine, the U.S. will not stand down, and we will have no…Read more…

New NFL-Military Partnership Sends First 1,000 Fans To Stand For National Anthem Off To War

TENNESSEE—Deepening the ties between the two institutions, a new partnership between the NFL and the U.S. military unveiled Saturday would send the first 1,000 fans who stand for the national anthem off to war. “The National Football League has long been a strong supporter of the troops who have sacrificed so much to…Read more…

Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine

LAS VEGAS—Waving away her manager and Colosseum bookers, renowned pop musician Adele announced the postponement of her Las Vegas residency Friday, reportedly to avoid giving up her seat at a hot slot machine. “I was so looking forward to performing, but goddamn, I’m on one hell of a hot streak,” the Grammy-winning…Read more…