Author: TheOnion.com

The Onion is the world’s leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history. In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily. The Onion is now available exclusively online without charge in order to take advantage of various charity tax benefits.

Squirrel Can’t Wait To Ruin Man’s Day By Running In Front Of Car And Getting Killed

NORTH BROOK, IL—Excited at the chance to carry his plan to fruition, a squirrel reportedly couldn’t wait to ruin a local man’s day Wednesday by running in front of his car and getting killed. “The look on this jerk’s face when he hears the crunch of my body under his wheels is going to be … Continue reading “Squirrel Can’t Wait To Ruin Man’s Day By Running In Front Of Car And Getting Killed”

Little League Coach Thinks Right Fielder Has Potential To Be A Great Novelist

ARDMORE, PA—Praising the 10-year-old’s intangibles and feel for the craft, little league coach Grant Wardell revealed Wednesday that starting right fielder Aiden Lattimore has the potential to become a great novelist. “I put Aiden out in right field so he can see the whole game and make trenchant observations about…Read more…

Baylor Men’s Basketball Team Unsure How Many More Times Championship Parade Supposed To Circle Waco

WACO, TX—Celebrating the team’s first NCAA Division 1 title, the Baylor men’s basketball team was unsure Wednesday how many more times their championship parade float was supposed to circle the streets of Waco. “We appreciate everyone coming out, but after seeing the Fort Fisher Park again we kind of feel like the…Read more…

Cinerama Blames Closure On More Viewers Choosing To Watch Movies From Own Geodesic Domes

LOS ANGELES—In a statement touching on the rapidly changing realities of the industry landscape, theater chain Cinerama blamed its impending closure this week on more viewers choosing to watch movies from their own geodesic dome. “It’s a sad day, but ultimately many of our customers have decided that they could get…Read more…

Police Department To Avoid Future Errors By Replacing All Equipment Officers Carry With Guns

BROOKLYN CENTER, MN— In a swift response to renewed calls for reform following the fatal shooting of 20-year-old Daunte Wright, the Brooklyn Center Police Department announced Tuesday that they would avoid future errors by replacing all equipment that officers carry with guns. “Handcuffs, nightsticks, pepper…Read more…

Pope Francis Kept Up By Drunk Cardinal Arguing With Girlfriend In St. Peter’s Square

VATICAN CITY—Unable to tune out the noisy altercation coming in loud and clear through his bedroom window, Pope Francis could not sleep Monday night because a heavily intoxicated cardinal was engaged in a shouting match with his girlfriend in St. Peter’s Square, sources within the Holy See reported. “Oh, for fuck’s…Read more…

New Report Finds 72% Of Americans Planning On Ending Things With Brian Once Pandemic Over

WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as the strongest evidence yet that Americans do not see a future with the 34-year-old X-ray technician, a new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 72% of U.S. residents were planning to end things with Brian once the threat of Covid had receded. “Nearly three …Read … Continue reading “New Report Finds 72% Of Americans Planning On Ending Things With Brian Once Pandemic Over”

Nation Glad They Could Spend $450 Million For Astronaut To Have Little Epiphany About Humanity’s Place In Universe

WASHINGTON—Smiling sweetly in an effort to make themselves clear, the U.S. populace confirmed Tuesday they were glad they could spend $450 million for an astronaut to have a little epiphany about humanity’s place in the universe. “We’re always happy to help, and just delighted to shell out whatever you need so you can…Read more…

Minnesota Police Say Officer Accidentally Discharged Weapon After Being Startled By Sight Of Gun In Own Hand

BROOKLYN CENTER, MN—In response to the death of another unarmed Black man at the hands of Minnesota police, Brooklyn Center police chief Tim Gannon told reporters Monday that the officer who killed Daunte Wright accidentally discharged her weapon after being startled by the sight of a gun in her hand. “You have to…Read more…

Entirety Of Objectionable Human Behavior Explained To Toddler As Person Acting Silly

BATON ROUGE, LA—Noting the phrase’s ubiquity as an answer to almost every uncomfortable societal question, sources confirmed Monday that the full range of objectionable human behavior was explained to local toddler Oliver Jordan as a person acting silly. “Everything from mental illness to public drunkenness to a…Read more…

Judge Asks If Chauvin Jury Minds Sticking Around For A Couple More Police Misconduct Trials

MINNEAPOLIS—Promising that they would only have to return to the courtroom for a few days at most, Judge Peter A. Cahill asked the jury for the Derek Chauvin murder case Monday if they would mind sticking around for a couple more police misconduct trials. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we all know that there … Continue reading “Judge Asks If Chauvin Jury Minds Sticking Around For A Couple More Police Misconduct Trials”

Cadet Studying For Police Academy Exam Just Skimming Over Deescalation Training He’ll Never Use In Real Life

BLUE BELL, PA—In an effort to focus on practical skills, cadet Aaron Sanger studied for the police academy exam Monday by skimming over the sections in his training manual about deescalation techniques that he’ll never use in real life. “I guess I’m technically supposed to know this stuff, but there’s no way I’ll ever…Read more…

Panthers Adopt Patchy-Haired, Shivering Rescue QB Who Spent Years Abused By Jets

CHARLOTTE, NC—Bringing him into Bank of America Stadium where they washed off the grime with a nice warm bath, the Carolina Panthers adopted a patchy-haired, shivering rescue quarterback named Sam Thursday, who had spent years being abused by the New York Jets. “When we saw him, our hearts just broke and we knew we…Read more…

Relief: ‘Monster Hunter Rise’ Includes A Dossier Of Each Monster’s Problematic Behavior So You Don’t Feel Bad When You Kill Them

Boy, we have been absolutely loving our last few weeks slicing up Rachnoids and exploring the world outside Kamura village in Monster Hunter Rise. And, hey, if you happen to be on the fence because the idea of hunting creatures for loot doesn’t quite sit right with you, we have some great news. One of … Continue reading “Relief: ‘Monster Hunter Rise’ Includes A Dossier Of Each Monster’s Problematic Behavior So You Don’t Feel Bad When You Kill Them”

2021 Masters Offers Brief Respite To Viewers Who Barely Suffered From Pandemic

BRYN MAWR, PA—Referring to the golf classic as a welcome change of pace, sources confirmed Thursday that the 2021 Masters was offering a brief respite to viewers who barely suffered from the pandemic. “I’m glad I can finally enjoy some major golf after spending all this time cooped up in my beach house,” said golf…Read … Continue reading “2021 Masters Offers Brief Respite To Viewers Who Barely Suffered From Pandemic”

Rats Scramble To Hide Fully Functioning Amusement Park And Resort They Built As Workers Return To Office

CHICAGO—Squeaking wildly to one another as the almost forgotten sound of human footsteps echoed through the lobby, a swarm of rats scrambled to hide their miniature, fully functioning amusement park and resort before workers returned to a local office building, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, the…Read more…

Arkansas Legislator Warns Loophole In New Law Could Still Allow Trans Youth To Exist

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Calling on her Republican colleagues for support, Arkansas state senator Jimmy Hickey Jr. warned Wednesday that a loophole in a new law could still allow transgender youth to exist. “We recognize that this legislation is incomplete, and I assure constituents we are working tirelessly on stopgap…Read more…

Draymond Green: ‘If WNBA Players Want To Get Paid, They Should Just Hitch Themselves To Once-In-A-Lifetime Shooters’

SAN FRANCISCO—Dismissing the pay inequities between men and women in basketball as a problem that the women have not actually worked to solve, Warriors forward Draymond Green told reporters Wednesday that WNBA players who want to get paid should just hitch themselves to once-in-a-lifetime shooters. “Why don’t you go…Read more…

17-Year-Old Asks Friend What It Means When Guy You Like Wants Blanket Pardon

PENSACOLA, FL—Wondering if this was a sign that their relationship was “official,” local 17-year-old high school student Sophie Garrett was overheard Wednesday asking her friend what it means when the guy you like wants a blanket pardon. “Has a guy ever mentioned something called a ‘blanket pardon,’” said the senior…Read more…