Trump Claims He Tried To Warn Public About Epstein By Praising Him As A Terrific Guy

WASHINGTON—Noting multiple occasions when he had applauded the disgraced hedge fund manager’s affable personality, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he tried to warn the public about Jeffrey Epstein’s behavior by praising him as a terrific guy. “From day one, I was clearly trying to send a message to you…Read more…

Amazon Workers Attempting Walkout Enter 7th Hour Wandering In Ever-Expanding, Labyrinthian Warehouse

SHAKOPEE, MN—Bursting through a set of doors only to discover yet another windowless stockroom stretching out ahead of them, Amazon workers attempting a walkout Monday entered the seventh hour of wandering an ever-expanding, labyrinthian warehouse. “The strike was supposed to start at 9 a.m., but when we attempted to…Read more…

Remorseful Beto O’Rourke Admits His Family Responsible For My Lai Massacre, Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire

EL PASO, TX—Following on the heels of an announcement that he and his wife were the descendants of slave-owners, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke went further Monday by admitting that members of his family were responsible for the My Lai Massacre as well as the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire. “The…Read more…

Exhausted Amazon Customer Forced To Piss In Bottle While Browsing Prime Day Deals

NEW YORK—Frantically searching through the latest lightning deals and price slashes while sitting in his darkened room, Amazon customer Franklin Harris was reportedly forced to piss in a bottle Monday in order to keep up with Prime Day deals. “Christ, I’ve been busting my ass scrolling through deals for 12 hours…Read more…

Man’s Existential Terror About Country’s Slide Towards Authoritarianism Sublimated Into Campaign To Get Journalist Fired For Tweet

DENVER—In an unconscious effort to channel his panic into a more conducive outlet, local man Erik Johnson had reportedly sublimated his existential terror about the United States’ continued descent into authoritarianism Monday by launching a campaign to get a journalist fired for an insensitive tweet. “This type of…Read more…

BREAKING: Oh My God, You Killed Her

MIAMI—As you gaze incredulously down at the body on the floor and the horror of what you just did begins to dawn on you, eyewitnesses at the scene confirmed Monday that oh my God, you—you killed her! “Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ! She’s dead!” stunned bystanders could be heard exclaiming over the sudden wail of the…Read … Continue reading “BREAKING: Oh My God, You Killed Her”

Department Of Interior Sets Aside Portion Of Florida Beachfront As National ‘Wild Things’ Preserve

WASHINGTON—Officially safeguarding the area’s secluded hot tubs, three-way friendly bungalows, and unlit beaches where troublesome friends can be quietly disposed of, the Department of Interior set aside a 300-mile stretch of Florida coastline as a National Wild Things Preserve, the agency reported Friday. “With their…Read more…

An Important Message: This Man With A Top Hat And Twisty Mustache Is Visiting Schools Warning Students About The Dangers Of Piloting Hot Air Balloons Under The Influence Of Dr. Fixit’s Vigor-Inducing Delousing Tonic And Quaffable Cure-All

It’s a dangerous world out there, but one intrepid educator is going around the country to make sure our nation’s youth enter that world prepared: This man with a top hat and twisty mustache is visiting schools to warn students about the dangers of piloting hot air balloons while under the influence of Dr. Fixit’s…Read … Continue reading “An Important Message: This Man With A Top Hat And Twisty Mustache Is Visiting Schools Warning Students About The Dangers Of Piloting Hot Air Balloons Under The Influence Of Dr. Fixit’s Vigor-Inducing Delousing Tonic And Quaffable Cure-All”

‘It’s Not So Bad,’ Mike Pence Reports On Conditions Of Detainment Center While Hazmat Suit Disinfected

MCALLEN, TX—Appearing calm and composed after completing a tour of a migrant detention center, Vice President Mike Pence assured reporters Friday that conditions within the border camp were “not so bad” while workers sprayed down his hazmat suit with disinfectant. “After spending two hours inside this facility, both…Read more…

Shameful: Salman Rushdie Used His Blurb For This Young Author’s Debut Novel To Advertise A Speedboat He’s Trying To Sell

For a new author, getting a blurb on the cover of your debut novel from an established and well-respected writer can be an incredible honor that rockets your book to the top of the bestseller list. Unfortunately, it looks like one highly acclaimed author has used his invitation to write a book blurb for completely…Read … Continue reading “Shameful: Salman Rushdie Used His Blurb For This Young Author’s Debut Novel To Advertise A Speedboat He’s Trying To Sell”

National Park Service Releases Detailed Guide On What Visitors Should Do Upon Encountering Squirrel

WASHINGTON—In their latest effort to educate and prepare the public for crossing the path of the ubiquitous rodents, the U. S. National Park Service released a detailed guide Friday advising visitors on what they should do if they encounter a squirrel. “We’ve published a step-by-step guide urging guests to remain…Read more…

Study Finds Majority Of American Health Insurance Plans Don’t Cover Sending Sickly Child To Convalesce In Countryside

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Calling much-needed attention to the issue, a study released this week by Harvard University researchers found that almost no American health insurance plans provide coverage for sending a sickly child off to convalesce in the countryside. “Though it is generally agreed that many childhood ailments are…Read more…

Paul Ryan Lauded For Inspiring Millions Of Young Gutless Fucking Cowards To Take On Leadership Roles

WASHINGTON—Noting the former congressman’s deep, unwavering commitment to shying away from every one of his civic responsibilities, the Heritage Foundation lauded Paul Ryan Thursday for inspiring millions of young gutless fucking cowards to take on leadership roles. “Thank you, Mr. Ryan, for showing countless…Read more…

ICE Sends Agents Home With Sacks Of Flour To Practice What It Like Detaining Real Baby

WASHINGTON—In an effort to prepare officers for upcoming nationwide raids on undocumented immigrants, ICE officials announced Thursday that they would be sending agents home with sacks of flour to practice detaining real babies. “Providing each immigration agent with a 5-pound bag of flour to take home will give them…Read more…

Epstein Attorneys Denounce Accusers For Trying To Ruin Career Of Successful Child Molester

NEW YORK—Saying claims against the billionaire hedge fund manager were a calculated hit job, Jeffrey Epstein’s defense team declared Thursday that those who have accused him of sexually assaulting underage girls are merely seeking to tarnish the career of a talented child molester. “My client is one of the greatest…Read more…

At The Peak Of My Fame, I Could Have Slept With Any Werewolf, Mummy, Or Ghoul I Wanted

When you strike it big as a children’s author, your life changes dramatically. The money starts pouring in, and then there are the awards, the fans, the TV deals. For a few years there, I was the hottest thing in the business. It was a dizzying high, and you better believe I took advantage of … Continue reading “At The Peak Of My Fame, I Could Have Slept With Any Werewolf, Mummy, Or Ghoul I Wanted”

Legal Experts Note Uproar Over Epstein Scandal May Lead To Legislators Outlawing Pedophilia

ANN ARBOR, MI—Calling the incident a tipping point in the argument for reform, legal experts told reporters Wednesday that current uproar over the Jeffrey Epstein sex-trafficking scandal may lead to legislators outlawing pedophilia. “We’re seeing a lot of public pressure right now for Congress to finally act on an…Read more…

Phoenix Suns Gorilla Involved In Altercation At Glendale-Area Gentlemen’s Club

GLENDALE, AZ—Responding to leaked video footage of the drunk simian shoving a dancer and throwing a bottle of Dom Pérignon at a fellow patron, authorities confirmed Wednesday that the Phoenix Suns Gorilla was involved in a late-night altercation at the Essex Gentlemen’s Club. “He was pretty belligerent all night. At…Read more…

Outraged Trump Declares He Would’ve Gotten Jeffrey Epstein Way More Lenient Plea Deal

WASHINGTON—As he lambasted the plea bargain that put Jeffrey Epstein behind bars for 13 months while allowing him to leave prison six days a week, a visibly angered President Trump declared Wednesday that if he been in charge, the alleged sex trafficker would have received a far lighter sentence. “This was absolutely…Read more…

Sweden Announces Plan To Get 100% Of Energy From Unguarded Wall Outlet In Finland By 2030

STOCKHOLM—Touting the plan as “extremely cost-effective and easily sustainable through the foreseeable future,” Swedish prime minister Stefan Löfven announced a new initiative Wednesday to source 100% of the country’s energy from an unguarded wall outlet in Finland by the year 2030. “We’ve already been working…Read more…

Gynecologist Inserting IUD Promises Woman It Will Be Just A Quick Pinch And Then She’ll Be On The Floor Unconscious

ST. LOUIS, MO—Assuring her that the simple procedure would be over before she knew it, area gynecologist Dr. Therese Geiss promised patient Dana Juarez Wednesday that while receiving her new intrauterine device she would feel nothing more than a quick pinch before finding herself sprawled on the floor unconscious.…Read more…

John Hickenlooper Sets Ambitious $250 Fundraising Goal For Next Debate Cycle

DENVER—Calling upon donors to take his campaign to new, unprecedented heights, Democratic presidential candidate John Hickenlooper set an ambitious $250 fundraising goal Tuesday for next the debate cycle. “It certainly won’t be easy, but with your help, we can grow from a grassroots campaign with virtually nothing to…Read more…

Man’s Crippling, Overpowering Need To Be Liked By Everyone Apparently Not Affecting His Behavior

CHICAGO—Despite never once using his supposed people-pleasing nature to help another person, support anyone, or validate someone’s feelings, Chicago resident Ryan McCormack’s crippling, overpowering need to be liked apparently doesn’t affect his behavior, sources confirmed Tuesday. A constant, intrusive voice in the…Read more…

Woman On Third Level Of Purgatory Tired Of Being Passed Over For Advancement By Less Penitent Men

PURGATORY—Confessing that she often despaired of moving up from Purgatory’s Third Terrace, banished soul Edith Barenhold said Tuesday that she was tired of being passed over for advancement by less penitent men. “I’ve been stuck among the Wrathful for hundreds of years, really putting in the work, and suddenly these…Read more…

Jeffrey Epstein Swears He Didn’t Know Sex-Trafficking Ring Was Underage

NEW YORK—Defending himself against the charges he faces from federal prosecutors, billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein repeatedly swore Monday that he didn’t know the sex-trafficking ring he ran was underage. “I admit they were young-looking, but I was completely unaware that the large network of girls I was sexually…Read more…

Defense Attorneys Vow To Present Irrefutable Evidence Proving Jeffrey Epstein Billionaire

NEW YORK—Addressing the “gross injustice” behind their client’s recent arrest, defense attorneys told reporters Monday that they vow to present irrefutable evidence proving that Jeffrey Epstein is a billionaire. “Frankly, it’s disgusting for anyone to assume that Mr. Epstein would have a net worth of anything less…Read more…

NRA Insists That Most Recent Mass Shooting Does Not Accurately Reflect Potential Deadliness Of Firearm

FAIRFAX, VA—Noting that the weapons used in recent mass shootings were designed to wreak far more havoc, officials with the National Rifle Association held a press conference Monday, insisting that the fatalities racked up in the recent string of mass shootings do not accurately reflect the potential deadliness of the…Read more…

Brother, Sister Have Pretty Good Chemistry

CHICAGO—Noting that the siblings have “an adorable back-and-forth,” sources confirmed Monday that 22-year-old Dan Callan and his 19-year-old sister Autumn have “pretty good chemistry.” “Anyone who knows the Callan kids notices how they really seem to vibe each other. They talk for hours, and since they have a ton in…Read more…

Breaking: It Not Too Late To Take Advantage Of The Onion’s Independence Day Mattress Sale

CHICAGO—Announcing that the unbeatable selection of deals and steals had been extended through the long holiday weekend, a late-breaking report released Friday confirmed that it’s not too late to take advantage of The Onion’s Independence Day mattress sale. “There’s never been a better time to score major savings with…Read more…