Author: TheOnion.com

The Onion is the world’s leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history. In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily. The Onion is now available exclusively online without charge in order to take advantage of various charity tax benefits.

Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them…Read more…

Kawhi Leonard Misses Second Consecutive Family Game Night Citing Load Management

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Saying that his personal health had to remain top priority no matter the demands of the job, Clippers superstar Kawhi Leonard missed his second consecutive family game night Friday due to load management. “Playing game after game of Uno takes a physical and mental toll, so I need to rest up and … Continue reading “Kawhi Leonard Misses Second Consecutive Family Game Night Citing Load Management”

Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperware Cabinet

CHICAGO—Basking in the satisfaction of finally getting around to tackle a long-awaited project, local woman Carrie Wilhelm reportedly reflected Friday that the global coronavirus pandemic that has killed thousands gave her just the push she needed to organize her Tupperware cabinet. “I’ve been putting off organizing…Read more…

Department Of Interior Announces Birds Will Continue Going About Regular Bird Activities During Pandemic

WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to maintain social distancing despite what they see other animals doing, officials for the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that birds will continue going about their regular bird activities during the coronavirus pandemic. “Even as we humans shelter-in-place over the next…Read more…

Miss E3? Check Out Our Recreation With A Bunch Of Sweating, Overheated Gamers We Locked In Our Janitorial Closet

Hardcore gaming fans were massively disappointed when this year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo got canceled due to the spread of Covid-19. But luckily, OGN is here to give you a taste of what you’re missing. That’s right, readers! If you’re pining away for the E3 experience, then feast your eyes on this pixel-perfect…Read more…

Man Reflects On Cyclical Nature Of Existence After Learning McDonald’s Has Stopped Offering All-Day Breakfast Once Again

JOPLIN, MO—Overcome with a sense of spiritual profundity in response to the astonishing announcement, local man Edward Trask reportedly reflected on the cyclical nature of existence Thursday after learning fast-food giant McDonald’s would once more stop serving breakfast all day long. “Though things around us may…Read more…

Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It

WASHINGTON—Following days of partisan gridlock over its emergency economic stimulus plan, Congress announced sweeping new legislation Wednesday that would place $1,200 into trust funds for each individual American until they have proved they’re actually responsible enough to handle it. “We’ve given this a lot of…Read more…

British Man Astounded To Hear How Much It Would Cost To Get Mustard Jar Removed From Rectum Under U.S. Healthcare System

LONDON—Expressing surprise upon learning the high price of the commonplace procedure, local British man Roger Hiddleston was reportedly astounded Friday to hear how much it would cost to extract a mustard jar from his rectum under the United States healthcare system. “When a mate of mine mentioned that it could cost…Read more…

Tom Brady Awakens From Week-Long Kombucha Bender To Discover He’s A Tampa Bay Buccaneer

TAMPA BAY—Skeptically looking down at the red jersey laying on the floor beside empty bottles of probiotics, a bleary-eyed Tom Brady woke up from a week-long long kombucha bender Thursday to discover that he signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. “Ugh, the last thing I remember was taking that shot of ginger lemon…Read more…

Deal Alert: The Federal Government Is Cutting You A $1,200 Stimulus Check That You Can, And Should, Spend Exclusively On 75 Copies Of ‘Stardew Valley’

Things are finally looking up for gamers searching for the deal of a lifetime! After weeks of panic and uncertainty, Onion Gamers Network is now confirming that the federal government reached a decision early Wednesday morning to cut you a stimulus check for $1,200 that you can—and should—spend exclusively on 75…Read more…

TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet

As the coronavirus pandemic besets our cities from coast to coast, ravages our hospitals, and brings our nation’s once-flourishing economy grinding to a halt, the American people stare down the barrel of an uncertain future. The fate of our health, our families, and our daily lives remain in grave peril unless we take…Read more…

Man Just Buying One Of Every Cleaning Product In Case Trump Announces It’s Coronavirus Cure

EVANSTON, WY—Throwing bottles of bleach, ammonia, and Drano into a cart at his local grocery store, area man Troy Mitchell was reportedly stocking up on one of every cleaning product he could find Wednesday in case President Donald Trump announces it is a coronavirus cure. “I got toilet bowl cleaner, carpet cleaner,…Read more…

British Royal Family Orders Citizens To Leave U.K. Until Prince Charles Recovers

LONDON—Calling it the “nation’s foremost duty” to protect their 71-year-old heir apparent, the British royal family ordered 67 million citizens Wednesday to evacuate the United Kingdom until Prince Charles recovered from the novel coronavirus. “Starting immediately, all residents are hereby instructed to gather their…Read more…

OGN Investigates: We Exposed An Orphan To Nothing But Violent Games For The First 12 Years Of His Life And While It Didn’t Make Him Violent He Sure Came Out Weird

Whether it’s fighting the belief that all gamers are antisocial weirdos or advocating for more inclusiveness in the medium’s protagonists, we here at OGN have always been dedicated to telling the truth about games. That is why we have undertaken a historic and undoubtedly forbidden investigation into one of the most…Read more…

Everything You Need To Know About ‘Half-Life: Alyx’

Heralded as a bold new vision of virtual reality gaming and the next chapter in the Half Life saga to boot, Half-Life: Alyx certainly has a ton working in its favor. But what should you expect when you don a headset and launch this hotly anticipated title for the first time? Here’s everything you need … Continue reading “Everything You Need To Know About ‘Half-Life: Alyx’”

Olympic Dressage Rider Enraged After Spending Past 4 Years Jauntily Trotting Around On Horse For Nothing

SOMERSWORTH, NH—Reeling from shock at the International Olympic Committee’s decision to postpone the 2020 Summer Games due to the coronavirus pandemic, dressage rider Adelaide Merriweather expressed fury Tuesday after spending the past four years jauntily trotting around on her horse for nothing. “After countless…Read more…

GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19, economic advisor Larry Kudlow joined numerous GOP leaders Monday in urging an end of self-quarantine for the lifeless bipedal automatons that make the economy go. “We can’t allow this virus to completely upend…Read more…

Restless Trump Can’t Believe He Stuck Inside With Nothing To Do But Be President

WASHINGTON— Expressing frustration with the social-isolation measures in place amid the novel Covid-19 pandemic, a restless Donald Trump confirmed Monday that he couldn’t believe he was stuck inside with nothing to do except be president. “Jesus Christ, I’m so goddamn bored of sitting around all day being commander in…Read more…

Coronavirus Forces Landlord To Cut Back On Taking Care Of Building From 1 To 0 Hours A Week

CHICAGO—Lamenting the fact that he’d had to postpone his weekly unannounced visits to tenants until further notice, local landlord Rudy Jacobson told reporters Monday that the coronavirus had forced him to cut back on taking care of his building from one to zero hours a week. “Based on the city’s most recent…Read more…