Author: TheOnion.com

The Onion is the world’s leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history. In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily. The Onion is now available exclusively online without charge in order to take advantage of various charity tax benefits.

Intergalactic Animal Rights Groups Condemn Use Of Brutal, Unsanitary Planet To Raise Human Meat

PR 0201 B—Issuing their latest denunciation in a long string of statements deploring the treatment of living, sentient beings, intergalactic animal rights groups reportedly condemned the use of a brutal, unsanitary planet Friday to raise human meat. “For far too long, we have kept Homo sapiens crammed in disgusting…Read more…

Similac Introduces New Ghost Pepper Infant Formula

CHICAGO—Touting the new product as a nourishing and blazing-hot way to give newborns their daily nutrients, Similac introduced a new ghost pepper infant formula this week. “Our new formula contains 70% of a growing baby’s daily nutrients plus a tongue-scorching 1,000,000 Scoville Heat Units per serving,” said Kristin…Read more…

Bride Edges Out Bartender To Rank As Fourth Most Beautiful Woman At Wedding

Smithsonian Acquires Arms Of Kermit The Frog Puppeteer

FDA Issues Guidelines To Reduce Salt In Foods

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is pushing manufacturers to cut salt levels by an average of 12% in mostly processed and take-out food to address a growing epidemic of preventable health issues in Americans caused by high-salt diets. What do you think?Read more…

Remington Introduces Ammunition For Sensitive Skin

MADISON, NC—Noting that the new formula provides immediate relief to those prone to dry skin, itchiness, or rashes, weapons manufacturer Remington announced a new line of ammunition Friday made for sensitive skin. “Our new ammunition ensures that gunshot victims stay clean, clear, and under control for hours after…Read more…

Trump Testing 2024 Waters By Inciting Iowans To Burn State Capitol To Ground

WASHINGTON—Calling the smoldering ruins in downtown Des Moines a potential preview of 2024, pundits theorized Thursday that Donald Trump could be testing the waters for another presidential run by inciting Iowans to burn the state capitol to the ground. “While he has yet to formally announce his intention to run, the…Read more…

Things Nobody Tells You About College Debt

Taking a $200,000 loan may seem like a great idea, but it ends up that free money sometimes has a catch. Here are things that everyone wishes they knew before going into college debt.Read more…

William Shatner, 90, Becomes Oldest Person To Travel To Space

Star Trek actor William Shatner, 90, became the oldest person to ever to reach the edge of space, traveling on the 10-minute Blue Origin commercial flight to reach the Kármán line, 62 miles above earth. What do you think?Read more…

5 Things To Know About ‘Succession’

Fat And Stupid: Meet The Man Refusing To Challenge America’s Stereotypes

NASA Lights Astronauts On Fire In Order To Simulate Life Of Venus

HOUSTON—Noting that the training mission would provide crucial insight into humanity’s potential for interplanetary travel, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Thursday that they had lit three astronauts on fire in an experiment to simulate life on Venus. “Setting these astronauts aflame…Read more…

Submarine Secrets A U.S. Navy Engineer Tried To Sell

U.S. Navy nuclear engineer Jonathan Toebbe and his wife, Diana, were recently charged with selling classified intelligence regarding America’s nuclear submarines to an undercover FBI agent posing as a foreign operative. The Onion shares the top secrets that the engineer was attempting to sell.Read more…

Nearly 3% Of U.S. Workforce Quit Their Jobs In August

New data shows that 4.3 million people quit jobs in August, about 2.9% of the workforce, driven in part by workers less willing to endure inconvenient hours and poor compensation while given leverage by the country’s high number of job openings. What do you think?Read more…

White House Warns Supply Chain Shortages Could Lead Americans To Discover True Meaning Of Christmas

WASHINGTON—As reports of worldwide shipping issues continued to mount, the White House warned Wednesday that supply chain shortages could lead Americans to discover the true meaning of Christmas. “Unless these unprecedented scarcities are reversed soon, hundreds of thousands of Americans could be forced to learn that… Read more…

Touching Tribute: This Video Game Is Dedicated To Some Person Named Emily

Video games are often the products of many loving hands. Designers, coders, writers, and developers all pour their hearts into fine-tuning the final product to make it everything the customer wants and more. But one game—the indie platformer Twilight Of The Earth—stands out for featuring a touching tribute to one… Read more…

2021 Nobel Prize Winners

Committees in Norway and Sweden recently awarded the Nobel Prizes to recognize important contributions by individuals in specific fields. The Onion runs down the list of 2021 Nobel Prize winners. Read more…

Worst Things You Can Say To Your Child’s Teacher

Teachers have a hard enough job as it is dealing with your shitty kids without throwing yourself into the mix. Here are the worst things you as a parent can say to your child’s teacher. Read more…

Southwest Still Experiencing Delays After Not Enough People Believe In Power Of Flight To Get Plane To Take Off

DALLAS, TX—Following a weekend that saw record cancellations for North America’s third largest passenger carrier, Southwest Airlines was reportedly still experiencing heavy delays Wednesday after not enough people believed in the power of flight to get their planes to take off. “We apologize for the continued troubles… Read more…

Nets Front Office Wishes Kyrie Irving Would Stop Acting Like Kyrie Irving

BROOKLYN, NY—Expressing frustration with the NBA star’s outspokenness and unorthodox conspiratorial views, the Nets front office confirmed Wednesday that they wish Kyrie Irving would stop acting like Kyrie Irving. “It’s a huge distraction; when you sign a player like Kyrie Irving, you don’t expect to get a player like… Read more…

Adam Schefter Waiting On Final Edits From NFL Before Issuing Apology

Raiders Coach Resigns After Racist, Homophobic, And Misogynistic Comments

Jon Gruden stepped down as the coach of the Las Vegas Raiders football team after detailed emails emerged in which Gruden used misogynistic and homophobic language, following an earlier report that he made racist statements about a union leader. What do you think? Read more…

ISIS Recalls Starting In Bombed-Out Garage

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—Reminiscing about the ruthless terrorist organization’s humble beginnings, members of the Islamic State recounted to reporters Wednesday how they started out as “just a handful of violent extremists” working in a bombed-out garage. “Man, it’s crazy to think that the tiny terror cell operating out of… Read more…

U.S. Couple Arrested For Selling Nuclear Submarine Secrets

A former nuclear engineer officer in the U.S. Navy and his wife have been arrested on espionage charges after allegedly attempting to sell government secrets about submarines to a foreign entity in a year-long undercover FBI operation. What do you think? Read more…

Post-Pandemic Cinema-Goers’ Eyes, Ears Rupture As Senses Overwhelmed By Theater Experience

BRENTWOOD, CA—Unaccustomed to the sheer intensity of the sights and sounds before them, post-pandemic cinema-goers’ eyes and ears reportedly ruptured Wednesday as their senses were overwhelmed by the theater experience. “Oh God, no—what’s that noise—what the hell am I looking at?” said an unidentified person present… Read more…

Unclear What Strings Entrée Pulled To Nab Full-Page Picture On Menu

GORHAM, ME—Voicing their suspicions about backroom deals being cut at the local restaurant, patrons at the Blue Pig Diner told reporters Tuesday it was unclear to them what strings the Caesar salad wrap entrée had pulled to snag a full-page color picture on the menu. “There’s no way that wrap got on there all by… … Continue reading “Unclear What Strings Entrée Pulled To Nab Full-Page Picture On Menu”

Weather Channel Headquarters Displays Barometers For World’s Major Cities

Taken Leaf Of Her Senses

Billionaires Explain Why Space Is The Next Frontier

“I would like to ruin space for everyone.” Read more…

Unhappy Nation Wonders If It Just Projecting 45% Approval Rating Of Itself Onto President

WASHINGTON—Admitting they had been pretty dissatisfied with their own lives lately, the American people wondered Tuesday if their unhappiness was causing them to project a 45% approval rating of themselves onto President Joe Biden. “It just occurred to me that my personal frustrations and feelings of worthlessness… Read more…

Bisexual Superman Ruins Comic For Fan Who Preferred Smoldering Homoerotic Undertones

SANTA CRUZ, CA—Lamenting that the iconic hero’s good run had come to an end, local man Eugene Edgars told reporters Tuesday that DC’s recent announcement of Superman’s bisexuality had completely ruined the comics for him as he preferred the character’s smoldering homoerotic undertones. “Man, I miss when Superman’s… Read more…

Southwest Airlines Cancels More Than 2,000 Flights Over Weekend

Southwest Airlines canceled more than 2,000 flights over the weekend, blaming issues like bad weather and staffing shortages, while others cite poor management as recent data shows the airline to have the worst on-time performance and most canceled flights of any major U.S. airline. What do you think? Read more…

Google Maps Launches Eco-Friendly Routing

Google Maps has launched its new app feature that directs drivers to routes it calculates to generate the lowest carbon footprint, using mainly traffic data and road inclines, with the potential to prevent more than one million tons of carbon emissions from entering the atmosphere per year. What do you think? Read more…

Paramount Reveals ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ Features Tom Cruise Actually Bombing A Yemeni Village

LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the movie eschewed computer graphics and digital wizardry to give viewers a truly edge-of-their-seat experience, Paramount Studios executive Kevin Holt revealed Tuesday that Top Gun: Maverick would feature Tom Cruise actually bombing a remote Yemeni village. “When we sat down with Tom to… Read more…

Atlanta In Chaos After City Changes Names Of All Streets To ‘Maple Drive’ To Distance Itself From Confederate Past

ATLANTA—Sending motorists and pedestrians alike into a sea of confusion, Atlanta was reportedly in chaos Tuesday after officials changed the names of every street to “Maple Drive” in an effort to distance the city from its Confederate past. “We applaud the municipality’s decision to no longer honor these racist… Read more…

Mueller Suddenly Pieces Together Solution To Russia Collusion Case While Watering Plants

WASHINGTON—Mumbling “my God” with a look of horror on his face, former special counsel Robert Mueller suddenly pieced together the solution to the Russia collusion case while watering his plants, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It can’t be—but of course!” said Mueller, who paid no mind to the watering can that had slipped… Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more…

Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane

Yellowstone Bouncer Escorts High Roller To VIP Area To Meet And Mingle With Grizzly Bears

GARDINER, MT—Pulling aside a velvet rope as he waved the well-heeled hiker forward, a bouncer at Yellowstone National Park reportedly escorted a high roller to the VIP area Monday to meet and mingle with a few of the habitat’s celebrated grizzly bears. “How about a more private party with some of our bears?” said the…Read … Continue reading “Yellowstone Bouncer Escorts High Roller To VIP Area To Meet And Mingle With Grizzly Bears”