Author: TheOnion.com

The Onion is the world’s leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history. In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily. The Onion is now available exclusively online without charge in order to take advantage of various charity tax benefits.

Nancy Pelosi Slams Edited Footage With Claim That When She’s Drunk You’ll Fucking Know It

WASHINGTON—Denying that there was any factual basis to the doctored footage shared by President Trump that suggested she was intoxicated, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi blasted the viral video clip Friday by claiming that you’ll fucking know it when she’s drunk. “Yet again, we have the President spreading baseless…Read more…

ICE Agent Can’t Believe He Being Reprimanded For Child Who Died All Those Months Ago

CASA PADRE, TX—Saying the incident was so long ago that he had difficulty recalling the girl’s face, ICE agent Ed Thornton couldn’t believe he was being reprimanded Friday for a child who died months ago. “I accidentally killed this toddler, like, six months ago, but literally all my coworkers have had kids die during…Read more…

Corner Store Customers Saddened By Sight Of Frantic Trump Doing Scratch-Off Tickets Right On Counter

WASHINGTON—Watching as the president of the United States checked each of his pockets in search of enough change to keep playing, customers at a D.C. convenience store were reportedly saddened Friday to see Donald Trump frantically doing scratch-off tickets right there on the counter. “A lot of hard-up folks come in…Read more…

Depressed LeBron James Realizes That At His Age Copernicus Was Developing Theory Of Heliocentrism

LOS ANGELES—Experiencing an existential crisis after comparing accomplishments, a depressed LeBron James, 34, realized Monday that at his age Nicolaus Copernicus was already developing his groundbreaking theory of heliocentrism. “Jesus, all my life up to this point has just been playing basketball, when in his early…Read more…

Song Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional Songwriters To Define Teenager’s Personality For Next Two Years

LOS ANGELES—Working at a clip only slightly faster than usual, a team of professional songwriters spent a half hour banging out a new song that will define local teenager Destiny Cibula’s personality for the next two years, sources reported Thursday. “All right, let’s wrap this one up and get to lunch,” a 47-year-old…Read more…

Jay Inslee Recalls Decision To Run For President After 5 Teens From Across Globe Pressed Enchanted Rings Together To Call Him Into Existence

OLYMPIA, WA—Explaining to reporters how he had arrived at the difficult decision, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Jay Inslee recalled Thursday choosing to enter the race after five teenagers from countries across the globe pressed their enchanted rings together to call him into existence. “The leadership in…Read more…

Moby Provides Long-Range, Blurry Photo Taken Through Window To Prove He Currently Dating Natalie Portman

LOS ANGELES—In response to the actress’s denial that the two had ever been romantically involved, musician Moby posted a long-range, blurry photo taken through a window to his Instagram page Thursday as proof that he is currently dating Natalie Portman. “Many people have taken umbrage with the characterization of the…Read more…

Geologists Uncover Slab Of Amber Containing Perfectly Preserved Adam And Eve

TABRIZ, IRAN—In a find of enormous significance for the international geological and anthropologic communities, a team of geologists has announced the discovery of a slab of amber containing a perfectly preserved Adam and Eve. “This is an incredible and singular find, as there are very few reliable records indicating…Read more…

Tyson Holds Contest To Let Fans Submit New Ideas For Torturing Chicken To Death

SPRINGDALE, AR—Announcing that the winner would receive a year’s supply of their frozen poultry products killed in their method of choosing, Tyson Foods unveiled a contest Thursday to let fans submit new ideas for torturing chickens to death. “We know our fans love expressing themselves as much as they love chicken…Read more…

Keanu Reeves Recalls Preparing For ‘John Wick 3’ By Acting In Two Previous ‘John Wick’ Films

LOS ANGELES—Describing his process for bringing the assassin character to life, Keanu Reeves explained to reporters Thursday how he prepared for the title role in John Wick: Chapter 3—Parabellum by acting in the two previous John Wick movies. “I realized very early on in the development stages of John Wick 3 that the…Read more…

Trump Warns China Not To Underestimate His Willingness To Sacrifice Every American’s Well-Being

WASHINGTON—Stating that he would be sticking to his guns regardless of the consequences, President Trump warned China in a White House press briefing Thursday that its leaders should not underestimate his willingness to sacrifice the well-being of every single person in the United States. “If you think for one second…Read more…

Woman Attempting To Cultivate Self-Love Forced To Start Completely From Scratch After Photo Where Nose Looks Kind Of Weird

CHICAGO—Though she has spent years learning to accept that she is a worthwhile person with a lot to offer, area 28-year-old Ashley Connell was reportedly forced to start completely from scratch in her attempts to cultivate self-love Wednesday upon seeing a photograph in which her nose looked a little bit weird. “Oh,…Read more…

Distraught Man Still Finding Painful Reminders Of Long-Gone Hoagie Around Apartment

PHILADELPHIA—Plunged into an abyss of forlorn longing by the sight of a days-old grease stain on his kitchen counter, local man Sean Richardson confessed Wednesday that he still chances across painful reminders of a long-gone but much-loved hoagie around his apartment. “God, I can’t take two steps in the kitchen…Read more…

Mild Mild West: ‘Red Dead Online’ Isn’t Worth Playing Since You Can See Real Horses At The Zoo

After a lengthy rollout since its initial 2018 release, Red Dead Online finally exited beta last week, giving fans a reason to dive back into the game’s untamed Wild West alongside other cowboys. The open-world multiplayer definitely offers a vast and exciting frontier to explore, but it’s an experience that…Read more…

David Brooks Decries Incivility Of Modern Plumbing After Tripping On Feet And Falling Headfirst Into Toilet

NEW YORK—Devoting thousands of words to what he called “one of the major issues facing Americans today,” New York Times op-ed writer David Brooks decried what he viewed as the incivility of modern plumbing Wednesday after tripping on his own feet and falling headfirst into a toilet. “I was struck recently by an…Read more…

Coach’s Un-Athletic Son Going To Get Fucking Reamed After Game For Dropping Fly Ball

PHILADELPHIA—Declaring that they “wouldn’t want to be him right now,” teammates of unathletic outfielder Brett Golliver, son of Coach Bo, confirmed Wednesday that he was going to get fucking reamed out after the game for dropping a routine fly ball in the sixth inning. “Oh my God, it went right through his hands. That…Read more…

Trump Demands Investigation Into Whether Clintons Gave Him Non-Registry Wedding Gift In 2005

WASHINGTON—Explaining that such a miscarriage of justice would not be tolerated under his watch, President Donald Trump reportedly demanded a federal investigation Monday into whether Bill and Hillary Clinton gave him a non-registry wedding gift in 2005. “Given the fact that Melania and I have no recollection of ever…Read more…

Mom Guesses Dressbarn Closure Means She’ll Just Have To Go Shop With All The Sluts Over At Chico’s Now

HAMMOND, IN—Saying Dressbarn’s sudden closure had left her bereft of stylish-yet-modest clothing options, local mom Susan Bell reportedly guessed Tuesday that she’ll just have to go shop with all those sluts over at Chico’s now. “I hope I don’t catch the clap rubbing elbows with all those Chico’s tramps while I’m…Read more…

People Criticizing ‘Anthem’ Don’t Understand The Developer’s Vision Of A Game That Had To Come Out This Past Fiscal Year

Ever since Anthem was released in February, players have been slamming BioWare and EA because the repetitive gameplay and lackluster story fell well short of expectations. This is sadly in line with a disturbing trend in gaming, where players criticize developers based on their own ideal version of the game and not…Read more…

Wedding Experts Say Engagement Ring Should Cost At Least Three Diamond Miners’ Lives

NEW YORK—Maintaining that the jewelry was absolutely essential in communicating trust and commitment to your partner, matrimony experts confirmed Tuesday that an adequate engagement ring should cost at least three diamond miners’ lives. “This tradition is still with us for good reason: A diamond is tangible proof that…Read more…

Actor Who Portrayed The Night King Recalls Challenge Of Playing Character With No Purpose

BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—Shedding light on the difficult process of believably portraying the Game Of Thrones villain the Night King, actor Vladimir Furdik opened up to reporters Monday about the creative challenge of playing a character with absolutely no purpose whatsoever. “The Night King was a very demanding role…Read more…

Relationship Experts Still No Closer To Discovering What Scarlett Johansson Sees In Colin Jost

NEW YORK—Frustrated that two years of rigorous study have failed to yield any insight, relationship experts at Columbia University conceded Monday they have made no progress in determining what, exactly, Scarlett Johansson sees in her fiancé, Saturday Night Live star Colin Jost. “We’ve ruled out the possibility Ms.…Read more…