Redskins to Change Name to ‘Washington Towelheads’

After years of protest from white people offended by the name “Redskins,” the Washington D.C. football franchise announced that it will change its name and begin the 2020 season as the “Washington Towelheads.” “Given the D.C. Metro area’s growing Arab population, we wanted to honor this new potential fanbase,” team owner Daniel Snyder said. “I … Continue reading “Redskins to Change Name to ‘Washington Towelheads’”

Assad Ends Attacks on Sunnis After Reading ‘Alawite Fragility’

Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has called off his attacks on the country’s Sunni population after reading Angela de Robin’s bestseller Alawite Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for Alawite Dictators to Talk About Sectarianism. Assad, who had waged a nearly decade-long war on his country’s Sunnis and Kurds, said the book opened his eyes to his … Continue reading “Assad Ends Attacks on Sunnis After Reading ‘Alawite Fragility’”

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, what remains of the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy … Continue reading “ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group”

UNRWA II Established for CHAZ Refugees

The United Nations has launched a second UN Relief and Works Agency to support refugees from the now-defunct nation of CHAZ. The agency, which will be called UNRWA II, will provide services for the dozens of refugees evicted from their country when the regime of Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan invaded and ethnically cleansed the enclave. … Continue reading “UNRWA II Established for CHAZ Refugees”

American Troops to Resurrect Saddam Statue

In a bid to protect his wax figure at Madame Tussauds, President Trump recently signed an executive order protecting confederate monuments. This order decreed that although these statues remind many of a reign of terror and bloodshed against their families, the statues are necessary reminders of historical truths. Real Americans, Trump says, do not topple … Continue reading “American Troops to Resurrect Saddam Statue”

Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy

Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world that it is, indeed, a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing an ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “Look at other successful terrorist organizations; all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible. In the … Continue reading “Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy”

Trump Proposes Turning Hagia Sophia into Casino

Looking to find a compromise between proponents of keeping the site as a museum and those looking to turn it into a mosque, President Donald Trump has released a plan to turn the famed Hagia Sophia in Istanbul into a state-of-the-art casino. Trump’s proposal comes as a Turkish court considers a plan to turn the … Continue reading “Trump Proposes Turning Hagia Sophia into Casino”

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to hate-post as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a … Continue reading “Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict”

Palestinians Decry Unilateral Annexation as Denying Palestinian’s Historical Right to Say “No”

The Palestinian Authority continues to protest Netanyahu’s plans for unilateral annexation of parts of the West Bank as destructive to the peace process and denies Palestinians their historic right to say “No” to literally any other solution that might actually work. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said in a public statement that the Palestinian people would … Continue reading “Palestinians Decry Unilateral Annexation as Denying Palestinian’s Historical Right to Say “No””

Iran: Coronavirus, Not Violent Homophobia, Reason for Pride Cancellation

June is Pride Month, and in many countries it is a time to celebrate sexual diversity by plastering rainbow flags on pretty much anything and holding parades where people dance down the streets in speedos spreading glitter on everyone and everywhere. However, this year’s festivities are being put on hold because of the relentless novel … Continue reading “Iran: Coronavirus, Not Violent Homophobia, Reason for Pride Cancellation”

ISIS Wins Left-Wing Support After Changing Name to Anti-ISIS

Islamic terror group ISIS has seen a surge in popularity, particularly among left-leaning millennials, after officially changing its name to “Anti-ISIS.” The group emphasized that it has not altered its mission or ideology and will continue to inflict mass casualty attacks on innocent civilians, primarily in the Muslim World. But calling itself Anti-ISIS has allowed … Continue reading “ISIS Wins Left-Wing Support After Changing Name to Anti-ISIS”

Princeton Replaces Wilson School of International Affairs with ‘Kushner School of Winging It’

The latest public reckoning around racist, or as academia calls them “controversial,” figures befell Princeton University this weekend as activists pushed for the removal of Woodrow Wilson’s name from the School of International Affairs. In a surprise move the administration agreed with the students, stating that the name “International Affairs” is outdated and should be … Continue reading “Princeton Replaces Wilson School of International Affairs with ‘Kushner School of Winging It’”

Shocking Bolton Exposé Reveals Iraq War was Secretly About Oil

In his new tell-all, The Room Where It Happened, former National Security Advisor John Bolton makes an array of shocking allegations, with information coming from inside the walls of the Trump White House. What has gone uncovered by conventional media, however, is the previously undisclosed assertion that the 2003 invasion of Iraq was, at least … Continue reading “Shocking Bolton Exposé Reveals Iraq War was Secretly About Oil”

De Blasio: Jews in New York Will be Required to Wear Identifying Mark

The Mayor of New York, Bill de Blasio announced this week that due to Coronavirus restriction infractions by the Jewish community, Jews will be required to wear an identifying mark. The measure was an effort to allow the police to easily identify and stop Jews from doing anything that the State felt was detrimental to … Continue reading “De Blasio: Jews in New York Will be Required to Wear Identifying Mark”

ISIS Practices Daily Affirmation: “Americans Are Still More Scared of Us Than COVID”

In a troubling week for members of the so-called ‘Islamic State’ – or whatever they call that last remaining mound of Syrian sand  – the number of deaths from COVID-19 across the United States surpassed their wildest expectations of impact from any act of terror. Facing the reality that a disease was more effective than … Continue reading “ISIS Practices Daily Affirmation: “Americans Are Still More Scared of Us Than COVID””

Bubba Wallace Calls FBI After Mistaking Blackout Curtain for ISIS Flag

FBI investors have determined that NASCAR racer Bubba Wallace was not the victim of a terror attack after an investigation revealed that the black curtain hanging over his window was not, in fact, an ISIS flag. Wallace called police after entering his home and finding what appeared to be the black ISIS flag hanging in … Continue reading “Bubba Wallace Calls FBI After Mistaking Blackout Curtain for ISIS Flag”

Yemen to Trump: Now You Know What Bombing Feels Like

For years Yemen has been experiencing the (currently) worst humanitarian crisis of the 21st century, a country throat punched by war, famine, and pestilence, and much like Ivanka trying to mingle, they too are consistently ignored by global leaders. However, Yemeni diplomats felt a flicker of hope this week after watching Trump’s disastrous attempt at … Continue reading “Yemen to Trump: Now You Know What Bombing Feels Like”

Israel to Annex CHAZ Instead of West Bank

After months of speculation about the nature of Israel’s looming annexation, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has shocked the world. Instead of annexing the West Bank, Israel will formally take control of an area in Seattle known as the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ). Israel’s Ambassador to the United States, Ron Dermer, told The Mideast … Continue reading “Israel to Annex CHAZ Instead of West Bank”

Al Qaeda Learns ‘Words are Violence,’ Launches Attack of Insensitive Remarks

The terror group al Qaeda has announced a major shift in its strategy after discovering that racially insensitive comments and microaggressions now count as violence. On Saturday, the group released a video that Slate has called its most violent attack since 9/11, as leader Ayman al-Zawahiri read out a series of subtly offensive statements. “We … Continue reading “Al Qaeda Learns ‘Words are Violence,’ Launches Attack of Insensitive Remarks”

EU: “Racism Has No Home Within Our Borders, Only Right Outside in Refugee Camps”

Stemming from weeks of Black Lives Matter protests, the UK and the European Union announced that racism has no home within their borders, which is why they leave asylum seekers to die right outside of them. As opposed to the United States, Europe has always had a stellar record of keeping racism out, mainly by … Continue reading “EU: “Racism Has No Home Within Our Borders, Only Right Outside in Refugee Camps””

Palestinians Accuse CHAZ/CHOP of Cultural Appropriation

Palestinian activists are accusing the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone of appropriating Palestinian culture after they made up their own country in six square blocks of Seattle. “It’s not fair” one Palestinian in Ramallah said, “these white people steal everything, hummus, rioting, and now making up their own countries in random places?” For nearly two weeks, … Continue reading “Palestinians Accuse CHAZ/CHOP of Cultural Appropriation”

Israelis: Thank God We Live in The Middle East Where It’s Safe

Given the handling of novel coronavirus pandemic in the U.S., and the ongoing protests for racial justice in America, a lot of Israelis are now saying that they’re glad that they live in the Middle East where it’s safe. “Sure it can be dangerous here sometimes” one Tel Aviv resident said “but we only have … Continue reading “Israelis: Thank God We Live in The Middle East Where It’s Safe”

ISIS Upset They Didn’t Think of Wearing Hawaiian Shirts

According to people close to The Caliphate’s Costume Co-ordinator, Mohammed bin Mohammad, he spent the night self-flagellating over his vision board. He was repenting for failing creatively with the Caliphate’s signature look after seeing homegrown terror groups in the United States diverging from the traditional all-black look in favour of a more colourful ‘70s Hawaiian … Continue reading “ISIS Upset They Didn’t Think of Wearing Hawaiian Shirts”

Saudi Arabia Confirms “Mission Accomplished” After Last Child Killed in Yemen

The Saudi Government has welcomed a UN report that they be removed from the blacklist of countries that cause harm to children during conflict. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’re pleased to report that as of this week we will no longer be harming Yemeni kids, mainly because we killed the last one on … Continue reading “Saudi Arabia Confirms “Mission Accomplished” After Last Child Killed in Yemen”

ISIS Fighters Hope They Didn’t Look as Lame as CHAZ

With the autonomous region of CHAZ now receiving increasing attention over its efforts to separate from Seattle, ISIS veterans have sought reassurance that their own breakaway efforts did not appear similarly pathetic. “When we broke apart from Syria and Iraq and declared our own country, I gotta admit, we all thought it was pretty badass,” … Continue reading “ISIS Fighters Hope They Didn’t Look as Lame as CHAZ”

In Calming Address to Nation, Obama Urges Rioters to Shift Their Efforts to Afghani Hospitals

After weeks of unrest across US cities led to the destruction of property, Barack Obama spoke out addressing the protestors. While agreeing with the purpose behind the protests, Obama condemned the destruction of property in major cities as un-American and urged rioters to shift their energy to a more patriotic line of destruction. “Much like … Continue reading “In Calming Address to Nation, Obama Urges Rioters to Shift Their Efforts to Afghani Hospitals”

CHOP Condemns Itself After Discovering Cultural Appropriation

CHOP (Capitol Hill Occupied Protest), formerly known as CHAZ (Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone) condemned itself after realizing that its new acronym constitutes cultural appropriation – CHOP for chopsticks – and also a subtle form of racism, as the name indicates a preference for Chinese food. To prevent more emotional damage, CHOP immediately went back to … Continue reading “CHOP Condemns Itself After Discovering Cultural Appropriation”

Ron Perlman and Ted Cruz Agree to Cage Match to Settle Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Smack talk between Hellboy star, Ron Perlman and newly bearded Senator for Texas, Ted Cruz, has escalated rapidly. What started as a slightly homoerotic desire by Mr. Cruz to watch Representative Jim Jordan wrestle 70-year-old Mr. Perlman, possibly in custard, had by Tuesday ended with a date being set for a cage match in Jerusalem. … Continue reading “Ron Perlman and Ted Cruz Agree to Cage Match to Settle Israeli-Palestinian Conflict”

CNN to Move Headquarters Somewhere Freer Like Saudi Arabia

After weeks of unrest and riots across American cities led to journalists being arrested and threatened, CNN announced they may be moving their headquarters to the Middle East “We are trying to move somewhere with more freedom of press,” said a spokesperson of the news network. “So far the candidates are Riyadh, Hong Kong, and … Continue reading “CNN to Move Headquarters Somewhere Freer Like Saudi Arabia”

ISIS Executes “Racist Journalist” for Insensitive Tweet

ISIS recently executed an unnamed American “racist journalist” in Syria after he tweeted that infidel lives matter, too. The execution came at a time of increased international focus on institutionalized media racism, after several high profile resignations of male editors from US newspapers, such as that of executive editor  Stan Wischnowski of The Philadelphia Inquirer, … Continue reading “ISIS Executes “Racist Journalist” for Insensitive Tweet”

Neo-Nazis Accidentally Defend Famous anti-Nazi Winston Churchill

Central London saw violence this week as members of neo-Nazi groups such as Britain First accidentally gathered to defend Britain’s most famous non-Nazi, Winston Churchill. Despite the angry bald men claiming to be defending Churchill’s legacy, they clearly misunderstood what that legacy entailed exactly, as they threw up Nazi salutes while facing down the police. … Continue reading “Neo-Nazis Accidentally Defend Famous anti-Nazi Winston Churchill”

Syria Offers to Train “Woefully Undertrained” US Police

Syrian President Bashar Assad has offered his own country’s police force to train US law enforcement after experts said that it is “woefully undertrained” on using force. Assad, who has a soft spot for minorities, and their rights, spoke to The Mideast Beast about his concerns for America’s future. “It’s very crucial that US authorities … Continue reading “Syria Offers to Train “Woefully Undertrained” US Police”

Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels

Iran’s regime has reportedly signed a “proxy resistance alliance” with Seattle anarchist rebels. The generous and entirely altruistic offer came after Iran became the first country to officially recognize the newly declared state, Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, (CHAZ). Iran is expected to open its new embassy in CHAZ after qualifying for Microsoft’s grants for “struggling … Continue reading “Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels”

Taliban, ISIS to Advise Antifa on Destroying Statues

Calling the recent US trend of angry mobs destroying statues “inspiring but a bit amateur,” leaders of ISIS and the Taliban have agreed to send advisors to Antifa and other far left groups on how to erase historical artifacts. “Destroying all art, culture and history from previous eras is obviously constructive,” said ISIS leader Abu … Continue reading “Taliban, ISIS to Advise Antifa on Destroying Statues”

Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”

While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A … Continue reading “Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!””

NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods

Starting tomorrow NASCAR drivers will no longer be allowed to wear the white pointed hoods of the Ku-Klux-Klan to work. The decision was announced yesterday by the racing company’s CEO Jim France. The ban comes amidst a moment of reckoning over racism and white supremacy in the United States, and has upset many NASCAR fans … Continue reading “NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods”

Israeli Police Who Shot Autistic Palestinian Kind of Lucked Out on the News Cycle

On Wednesday, Israeli Prime Minister and part-time over-60s J. Crew model, Benjamin Netanyahu, addressed the killing of an autistic Palestinian man, Iyad Halaq, by Israeli police in East Jerusalem. Netanyahu called the killing a tragedy, and apparently it was so difficult that Bibi could not get the words “I’m sorry” out of his mouth nor … Continue reading “Israeli Police Who Shot Autistic Palestinian Kind of Lucked Out on the News Cycle”

Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia”

The progressive Taliban Institute for Literacy Advancement in Afghanistan angrily burned Harry Potter books in protest against J.K. Rowling’s recent transgender-phobic remarks. The bestselling British author committed the cardinal sin of questioning the womanhood of transgender individuals who made the journey from men to women. Mrs. Fatimah Yassin, the Taliban Minister for Gender-Fluid Weird Creatures, … Continue reading “Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia””

Palestinians Can’t Believe How Quickly CHAZ Achieved Statehood

With their own struggle for statehood going on 55 years, Palestinians told The Mideast Beast that they are shocked at how rapidly the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone, or CHAZ, has achieved independence. CHAZ, which covers several blocks of territory previously controlled by Seattle, was established earlier this week, with Seattle immediately withdrawing its forces and … Continue reading “Palestinians Can’t Believe How Quickly CHAZ Achieved Statehood”

State Department Changes Seattle Threat Level to ‘Mideast’

Following the recent escalation of sectarian rifts in Seattle, Washington, the US Department of State issued a “Mideast level” travel advisory warning to the liberal-tech hub. “American citizens should use extreme caution and if possible avoid all travel to Seattle for the foreseeable future”, read the State Department memo. At a briefing to reporters a … Continue reading “State Department Changes Seattle Threat Level to ‘Mideast’”

Ice Cube Nominated for Leader of the UK Labour Party

The rapper and movie star Ice Cube cultivated notoriety this week after sharing a series of anti-Semitic memes on twitter, not to mention a scathing and detailed report on his “long, disturbing history of anti-Semitism. Although these sorts of actions usually result in a Twitter ban, or even job loss, mere seconds after tweeting the … Continue reading “Ice Cube Nominated for Leader of the UK Labour Party”

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s … Continue reading “Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement”

Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie

Retired General and former US Secretary of State Colin Powell, who recently told CNN that President Donald Trump “lies all the time”, stressed, “I miss the days when America had an honest president who did not lie, like about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and stuff like that.” Full of nostalgia, an emotional Powell spoke … Continue reading “Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie”

Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It

This week Israel’s High Court declared annexation of the West Bank as ‘Unconstitutional’, potentially putting a stopper in Netanyahu’s despotic pursuits.  However, never one to be deterred by minor rules, such as international law, the Prime Minister took a bold stance against the ruling, claiming that annexation is not “illegal”, it’s merely “socially distant from … Continue reading “Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It”

Erdogan and Putin Officially Invite Trump to Join Axis of Evil

Democratic leaders and activists around the world have been quick to condemn President Trump’s advocation of extreme force to quell domestic protests regarding the murder of George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis policemen.  Not everyone agrees that Trump is in the wrong, with some world leaders even praising his decisive authoritarianism.  Two rock stars … Continue reading “Erdogan and Putin Officially Invite Trump to Join Axis of Evil”

Khamenei Condemns Trump’s Human Rights Violations “Just to See How He Likes It!”

In a move that could be attributed to humanitarianism, but most likely stems from a ‘how’s it feel, asshole?!’ level of spite, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei of Iran has issued a statement condemning President Trump’s use of excessive force to quash peaceful protestors. “I just can’t believe,” he began condescendingly, “That in this day and age, … Continue reading “Khamenei Condemns Trump’s Human Rights Violations “Just to See How He Likes It!””

Taliban Leader Pissed his Op-Ed Didn’t Trigger Collapse of NYT

With staff at The New York Times in revolt and the editorial page editor leaving his position over the decision to publish an op-ed by a Republican senator, Taliban deputy leader Sirajuddin Haqqani said he is deeply offended that his own column just months earlier engendered no such response. “We helped Osama bin Laden carry … Continue reading “Taliban Leader Pissed his Op-Ed Didn’t Trigger Collapse of NYT”

Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas

In a rare public statement this week Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad blasted Putin ally Donald Trump for only using tear gas on his protesting citizens. Although most leaders remained hesitant to criticize the “most powerful man in the free world,” for fear of international backlash, Assad took a bold stance against the US President and … Continue reading “Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas”

Israeli Air Force Destroys Egyptian Air Force in Attempt to Relive Glory Days

In a kind of mid-life crisis moment, the most powerful air force in the Middle East destroyed its counterpart in neighboring Egypt earlier today. The reason for the aggression was unknown until an interview with an Israel Air Force (IAF) commander. “God, do you remember the Six Day War? That was a real battle!” Commander … Continue reading “Israeli Air Force Destroys Egyptian Air Force in Attempt to Relive Glory Days”

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of … Continue reading “Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance”