Erdogan Rounds Up ‘People’ Reporters After ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Snub

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has begun arresting reporters for People magazine on terrorism charges after the publication once again passed him over for its annual ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ award. Within minutes of the magazine awarding singer and EGOT winner John Legend the honor for 2019, Erdogan’s forces had hauled away dozens of journalists and … Continue reading “Erdogan Rounds Up ‘People’ Reporters After ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Snub”

Former Al Qaeda Jihadist Disappointed He Didn’t Qualify for Veterans Day Sales

Calling it a “disgusting act of Islamophobia,” former Al Qaeda jihadist Mohammad al-Baktar, who now refers to himself as Martin Brown, was rejected from participating in any of his local malls’ Veterans Day sales. “I cannot believe that this is happening in 2019,” Mr. Brown said during an interview with one reporter from The Mideast … Continue reading “Former Al Qaeda Jihadist Disappointed He Didn’t Qualify for Veterans Day Sales”

Bloomberg Prepared to Lead Israel

Former Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, has confirmed that in the highly unlikely outcome that his potential third attempt to become US President is unsuccessful he is more than willing to step in to lead Israel. A spokesman for Mr Bloomberg commented, “It’s clearly a longshot because we all recognize how amazingly successful independent … Continue reading “Bloomberg Prepared to Lead Israel”

Trump Asks Turkey to Invade Mexico

Insisting that someone must do something about gang violence that now threatens US citizens, President Donald Trump has called on his Turkish counterpart, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, to send troops into Mexico. “These murderous gangs have been wreaking havoc on innocent families in Mexico and now America, and the only way to stop them is to … Continue reading “Trump Asks Turkey to Invade Mexico”

Warren Proposes ‘Jihad Tax’ to Defeat al Qaeda, ISIS

Insisting that there is no problem on Earth that can’t be solved by the right tax, Senator and Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren has proposed a “jihad tax” to wipe radical Islamic groups like ISIS and al Qaeda off the map. Her detailed proposal would create a system for taxing everything from suicide bombings and … Continue reading “Warren Proposes ‘Jihad Tax’ to Defeat al Qaeda, ISIS”

Ecstatic Ariel Gold Announces Acceptance into ISIS

Days after returning from Iran, Code Pink national co-director Ariel Gold announced on Twitter that she has also been accepted into the Islamic State to lead the country’s Jewish outreach program. “I spoke to ISIS President Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi, and it turns out he has the exact same opinion about Jews and Israel as I … Continue reading “Ecstatic Ariel Gold Announces Acceptance into ISIS”

Hamas Calls Weekend Rockets “Interactive Fireworks”

Following this weekend’s barrage of rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, a Hamas spokesperson has stated they were simply celebratory fireworks. “I would like to clarify a misunderstood situation,” the spokesperson wrote on his Facebook timeline. “The Palestinian people were simply overjoyed about the past few months of calm. Some of our citizens were so … Continue reading “Hamas Calls Weekend Rockets “Interactive Fireworks””

World’s Most Profitable Corporation Somehow More Valuable Than Bullshit Dot-Com Companies

Analysts have been caught off guard by the announcement that Saudi oil monopoly, Aramco, is more valuable than the latest vegan pet food delivery startup out of Silicon Valley. One commented, “It appears that having a lock on the substance currently enabling the world to get from A to B, makes for a massively valuable … Continue reading “World’s Most Profitable Corporation Somehow More Valuable Than Bullshit Dot-Com Companies”

Dog in Baghdadi Raid Defects to ISIS After Promise of Unlimited Belly Rubs

In what is being called the greatest American betrayal since Benedict Arnold, the Belgian Malinois who helped track down Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, has defected to ISIS after the terror group promised her unlimited belly rubs. The dog, named Conan, had become a hero in the US for her role in the killing … Continue reading “Dog in Baghdadi Raid Defects to ISIS After Promise of Unlimited Belly Rubs”

Sanders Proposes Sending Israel’s Military Aid to Mel Gibson

Accusing the Jewish state of committing “atrocities” against the Oscar-winner’s acting career, US Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders proposed ending military aid to Israel and instead giving the funds to Mel Gibson. “It is not anti-Semitic to acknowledge that the Jewish people have completely destroyed this man’s career just for speaking the truth,” Sanders … Continue reading “Sanders Proposes Sending Israel’s Military Aid to Mel Gibson”

‘Guess That’s It for Us,’ Islamic Terrorists Say

Radical Islamic terrorists from across the Middle East are calling it quits following the death of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, with all agreeing that the time has come to abandon jihad and accept Western values. “Listen, we had a really good run blowing stuff up and beheading Americans while we recreated the world of … Continue reading “‘Guess That’s It for Us,’ Islamic Terrorists Say”

Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy

Special forces Belgian Malinois, ‘Classified’ has been named by President Trump as his new envoy to the Middle East. The very good puppy was selected for the position following his key role in the death of ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi earlier this week. A spokesman for the President commented, “Loyal without question, willing to … Continue reading “Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy”

ISIS to Trump: Stop Sending Mixed Signals

With the terror group’s leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, reportedly dead in a US raid, members of the Islamic State are begging US President Donald Trump to stop sending mixed signals. “First, you finally ditch those Kurds that have been killing us for years and let thousands of our prisoners break free,” one ISIS executive told … Continue reading “ISIS to Trump: Stop Sending Mixed Signals”

Kurds to Carry Out Mass Suicide as Revenge on Trump’s Syria Withdrawal

Billing it as the biggest “fuck you” of the century, Kurdish president Nechirvan Barzani announced that all Kurds will take part in a mass suicide parade to be held outside some U.S. Morning Show over the weekend. “In response to Trump abandoning us, all Kurds are advised to kill themselves and their children publicly this … Continue reading “Kurds to Carry Out Mass Suicide as Revenge on Trump’s Syria Withdrawal”

Ethnic Cleansings ‘Good and Easy to Win,’ Trump Says

With his decision to pull troops out of Syria already forcing 250,000 Kurds to flee their homes, US President Donald Trump is now calling himself a “genocide man” and bragging that “ethnic cleansings are good, and easy to win!” “This ethnic cleansing is going to be tremendous for the Kurds, great for America, and really … Continue reading “Ethnic Cleansings ‘Good and Easy to Win,’ Trump Says”

Revived ‘Islamic State’ Takes Note of Antifa’s Methods

NORTHERN SYRIA – As President Trump brings the crayons to the fountain pen world of strategic thinking, the once-beaten Islamic State now roams freely over Northern Syria, deliberating over whose head is going to roll next. According to John, an IS jihadi pondering the current state of affairs, “It’s been so long since I’ve done … Continue reading “Revived ‘Islamic State’ Takes Note of Antifa’s Methods”

Pence and Pompeo Book Airbnb in Tel Aviv

Sources have confirmed that the US Vice President and Secretary of State have booked an extended stay in a two-bedroom property close to the beach in Tel Aviv. A spokesman for Vice President Pence commented, “This is a long planned and well-deserved vacation for the guys. They’ve been promising each other they would carve out … Continue reading “Pence and Pompeo Book Airbnb in Tel Aviv”

Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei Impeached for Attempted Nuclear Program

Calling it a “huge surprise” and a “shocking news,” an Iranian government spokesman announced on Wednesday the impeachment of the Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei. The news comes following the discovery that Khamenei had been planning to use the nation’s uranium enrichment plants to develop weapons of mass destruction. Khamenei has a long history of … Continue reading “Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei Impeached for Attempted Nuclear Program”

LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season

Calling them “misinformed” and blasting them for causing what he called a “really difficult week,” Lakers superstar LeBron James has called on protestors in Hong Kong to just relax until after the NBA season ends. “My team and I had like a 20-hour flight to China, and I really think these protestors didn’t stop and … Continue reading “LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season”

ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph

The Islamic State has made US President Donald Trump the first non-Muslim to earn the title of “Honorary Caliph,” celebrating the American leader for helping to free more than 1,000 ISIS fighters. The distinction came after Trump announced that he would withdraw all forces from northern Syria, abandoning his Kurdish forces which long stood as … Continue reading “ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph”

Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms

In a dramatic reversal, leading Democrats are now supporting President Donald Trump’s sudden withdrawal from Syria’s Kurdish regions after it was revealed that the Kurdish government does not require businesses to operate gender-neutral bathrooms. Trump’s decision to pull troops and allow Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to invade the region had prompted bipartisan outrage, particularly … Continue reading “Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms”

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working

With the Middle East once again in turmoil, Jared Kushner, who has high hopes of becoming a ‘real boy’ one day soon, believes his iPhone may have malfunctioned. A spokesman for the wooden puppe….. senior advisor to the President commented, “Jared is certain he hasn’t dropped his phone down a toilet recently, so he thinks … Continue reading “Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working”

Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus

Facing increasing criticism over his decision to abandon his Kurdish allies despite their key role in the fight against ISIS, US President Donald Trump now claims his decision stems from the Kurds’ refusal to intervene in the execution of Jesus nearly 2,000 years. Trump first claimed that the Kurds had not fought alongside Americans during … Continue reading “Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus”

‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags

Declaring that he was “absolutely tremendous” at betraying his country’s most loyal allies, US President Donald Trump declared in a press conference that he was the most prolific leader in US history at fucking over the Kurds. “Frankly, a lot of presidents were really pathetic when it came to convincing the Kurds to risk their … Continue reading “‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags”

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday

When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the four F’s.”  Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family.  What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by … Continue reading “The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday”

NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass

The NBA has demanded an apology from Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey after his tweet criticizing Syria’s Bashar al-Assad nearly caused the strongman to cancel his cable subscription. The controversy arose after Morey tweeted, “Wishing for peace in Syria, and an end to the senseless killing.” Assad responded angrily, writing in a strongly worded … Continue reading “NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass”

Demi Lovato Apologizes, Had No Idea Jews Lived in Israel

Following backlash, singer Demi Lovato has profusely apologized for her recent concert in and praise of Israel, insisting she had no idea that the people who treated her so well on the trip were in fact Jews. Lovato spent her time in the country, which she billed as a spiritual journey, visiting the Western Wall … Continue reading “Demi Lovato Apologizes, Had No Idea Jews Lived in Israel”

Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty

The latest effort to open up the Kingdom has not been met with the anticipated level of excitement from the international business community. One Western CEO commented, “OK great, now I can technically share a room with Karen from accounts when we are next in Riyadh. But how is that really going to happen if … Continue reading “Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty”

Mossad Studies Qatar Olympics Preparation for Tips

Israeli security services have been studying with interest efforts by the Qatari authorities to snuff people out using unusual methods. A spokesman commented, “We pride ourselves on being the masters of ensuring that people we have an issue with have all sorts of unfortunate accidents. But these guys’ Olympic organizing committee is doing some next … Continue reading “Mossad Studies Qatar Olympics Preparation for Tips”

Netanyahu Hospitalized After Pounding 5780 Shots for Jewish New Year

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu will begin the New Year in the hospital after attempting to take 5780 shots of liquor – one for each year in the Jewish calendar – in a Rosh Hashanah celebration that soon spun out of control. The embattled premier – in the midst of desperately trying to form a … Continue reading “Netanyahu Hospitalized After Pounding 5780 Shots for Jewish New Year”

U.S. Wishes Israel Happy Jewish New Year by Giving It All of Its Foreign Aid

Last night, on the eve of the Jewish New Year, Diane Teepsha, a spokeswoman for the US State Department, announced that as a gift for the Jewish holiday all foreign assistance to all countries will be suspended…except for the State of Israel. This is not an entirely surprising move, as Trump has been generous to … Continue reading “U.S. Wishes Israel Happy Jewish New Year by Giving It All of Its Foreign Aid”

Hitler Hologram to Feature at Columbia University’s Next World Leaders Forum

Drawing inspiration from the successful performance of a Tupac hologram at the Coachella music festival in 2012, Columbia University has announced that the man voted ‘Most Awkward Threesome Partner’ will make an exciting comeback at their next World Leaders Forum. The hologram is being designed by researchers at Columbia University’s Engineering School using the latest … Continue reading “Hitler Hologram to Feature at Columbia University’s Next World Leaders Forum”

Hamas Environment Minister Vows to Cut Tire Burning 20% by 2030

In one of the region’s most ambitious initiatives to address climate change, Hamas Minister of the Environment Ahmet al-Buluti has vowed to reduce tire-burning emissions 20% by 2030. “We must all do our part to confront the reality of global warming, and these targets will be an important step towards reducing our carbon footprint,” al-Buluti … Continue reading “Hamas Environment Minister Vows to Cut Tire Burning 20% by 2030”

Trump to Withhold Aid Until Israel Opens More Hummus Joints

Calling it a “hard but necessary threat,” President Donald Trump confirmed he had spoken with Israeli (sorta) Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu regarding the possibility of withholding foreign aid from the Jewish State. The phone call covered many security issues in the region, including increased Iran and Hezbollah activity. However, according to an official transcript released … Continue reading “Trump to Withhold Aid Until Israel Opens More Hummus Joints”

Malaysian Prime Minister Named Chair of Women’s March

In its latest effort to mitigate accusations of anti-Semitism, the Women’s March has named Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Bin Mohamad, who has called Jews hook-nosed and said that he is proud to be called anti-Semitic, as its new board chairman. The Malaysian prime minister replaced Samia Assed, who was revealed to have posted anti-Semitic tweets. … Continue reading “Malaysian Prime Minister Named Chair of Women’s March”

Whistleblower Blames Zionist Elders’ Broken Weather Machine for Climate Change Chaos

A whistleblower has come forward to confirm that the chaos afflicting the world is the result of a malfunctioning weather machine belonging to the Council of Zionist Elders. “During the 1970s, while distracting the international community with our ‘will they, won’t they’ nuclear program – kind of like Ross and Rachel but with added mushroom … Continue reading “Whistleblower Blames Zionist Elders’ Broken Weather Machine for Climate Change Chaos”

House Launches Impeachment After Trump Seen Putting Ketchup on Falafel

Stating that the president has “basically impeached himself,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has opened an impeachment inquiry after President Donald Trump was seen eating falafel with ketchup. The controversy erupted when video was leaked by a whistleblower showing Trump unwrapping a falafel pita, tossing a side of tahini into the trash can and retrieving several … Continue reading “House Launches Impeachment After Trump Seen Putting Ketchup on Falafel”

Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor

Acknowledging that his cabinet has lacked an element of righteous fury since John Bolton’s departure, US President Donald Trump has appointed 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg to serve as National Security Advisor. “I heard her give a speech at the UN, and God was she angry,” Trump explained as he announced the appointment. “I’m … Continue reading “Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor”

Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu

Allies and friends of Prime Minister Netanyahu have expressed shock and surprise that Arab political parties, united under the Joint List party, have decided not to back their man in his attempt to continue his premiership and/or delay his visit to a local jail. A spokesman commented, “This really came out of the blue. I … Continue reading “Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu”

Strange Glowing Light Proves Aliens Really Hidden in Iran, Not Area 51

Following what was supposed to be the biggest revelation of the century, millions of people following a Facebook event that pledged to raid Area 51 this weekend were disappointed to find out that the military base indeed held no extraterrestrial life. The United States Military released a statement following this weekend’s events to restate a … Continue reading “Strange Glowing Light Proves Aliens Really Hidden in Iran, Not Area 51”

Tiffany Trump Claims Responsibility for Saudi Bombings

After a week of Donald Trump focusing all of his attention on the oil bombings in Saudi Arabia, Tiffany Trump has claimed responsibility for the attacks in the fleeting hope that her dad might finally notice her. Tiffany, known by her close friends as “Not the Worst Trump” and by her father as “Who?”, confessed … Continue reading “Tiffany Trump Claims Responsibility for Saudi Bombings”

Zionist Overlords Proud of Investment in Saudi Oil Attack

Following the alleged claims that Iran was behind last week’s attack on the oil production facilities in Saudi Arabia, the world’s Zionist Overlords admit that they, in fact, were the ones behind it all. “So we made a couple extra bucks on oil price increases, big whoop,” an Elderly spokesperson wrote in a tweet Monday … Continue reading “Zionist Overlords Proud of Investment in Saudi Oil Attack”

Saudis Plan on Reducing Oil Supply to One Really Expensive Barrel

Following the spike in oil prices following the attack on their facilities earlier this week Saudi authorities have decided to simplify their lives by restricting the world’s oil supply to one golden barrel located in a secret facility in the Riyadh area. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “It’s been clear to us for some … Continue reading “Saudis Plan on Reducing Oil Supply to One Really Expensive Barrel”

US to Attempt ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ in the Middle East

Noting that every action the US has taken in the Middle East for roughly seven decades has been wrong, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has adopted the ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ of doing the opposite of policymakers’ instincts. “Every decision we have made – who to bomb, where to invade, who to ally with – has … Continue reading “US to Attempt ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ in the Middle East”

Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special

Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. … Continue reading “Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special”

ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels

Following the recent United States crackdown on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their … Continue reading “ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels”

Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out

Yesterday, Israeli agents joined the world in commemorating the attacks on September 11, 2001. “I can’t believe it’s been 18 years since we managed to pull off one of the greatest terror attacks in history,” one now-retired Mossad agent told The Mideast Beast. “I remember how difficult it was for us to not only call … Continue reading “Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out”

Assad to Send Humanitarian Aid to Bahamas

Calling it a “humanitarian crisis that even we can’t ignore,” Syrian president Bashar al-Assad announced this past Thursday that Syria will be sending humanitarian aid to the Bahamas in the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian. The move comes after the massive storm wreaked havoc on the island chain, destroying homes and infrastructure, leaving over 10,000 people … Continue reading “Assad to Send Humanitarian Aid to Bahamas”