Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars

Following the successful launch and landing of his SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket last month, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the entire Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it … Continue reading “Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars”

Biden Orders Invasion of Republic of Georgia over New Voting Laws

Promising to “bring democracy” to the Eastern European nation, President Joe Biden has launched an all-out invasion of the former Soviet Republic of Georgia. The invasion was initiated in response to a series of voting reforms enacted by the US state of Georgia, though sources close to the president said it was unclear whether he … Continue reading “Biden Orders Invasion of Republic of Georgia over New Voting Laws”

Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

President Joe Biden has begun building bipartisan support for his infrastructure plan after the administration clarified to Republicans that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” is included in his expansive definition of infrastructure. Republicans initially vowed to oppose the more than $2 trillion proposal, arguing that it included mostly non-infrastructure spending. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s … Continue reading “Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure”

Erdogan Puts Final Nail in Turkish Democracy with ‘Georgia Voting Laws’

In a move that experts say will end Turkish democracy once and for all, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has copied controversial voting laws from the US state of Georgia and enacted them across his Republic. Voters in Turkish elections will now need to show a photo ID in order to cast a ballot and … Continue reading “Erdogan Puts Final Nail in Turkish Democracy with ‘Georgia Voting Laws’”

Cuomo Hopes New Yorkers Get Really Stoned, Forget Nursing Home and Harassment Scandals

After signing landmark legislation legalizing marijuana in the state, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is urging New Yorkers to get so stoned that they forget about all the state’s political developments this year. “After a year like 2020, it is important that New Yorkers take some time to enjoy the strongest, and most memory-erasing, strain … Continue reading “Cuomo Hopes New Yorkers Get Really Stoned, Forget Nursing Home and Harassment Scandals”

MLB to Hold All Star Game in China’s Xinjiang Province

Major League Baseball finally has a new site for its 2021 All-Star Game after the event was pulled from Georgia over its recently passed voting reform. The game will now be held in the Xinjiang Province of China, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred announced. Manfred said he made the decision after speaking to Bob Chapek, whose … Continue reading “MLB to Hold All Star Game in China’s Xinjiang Province”

Lil Nas X, al Qaeda Collaborate on ‘Jihad Sneakers’

Rapper Lil Nas X has once again ignited controversy with a new line of shoes, this time collaborating with al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri on what the duo has dubbed ‘Jihad Sneakers.’ The shoes will include jihadist imagery and be made with one drop of actual infidel blood, the rapper and Atlanta native announced. Just … Continue reading “Lil Nas X, al Qaeda Collaborate on ‘Jihad Sneakers’”

US Pardons bin Laden After Realizing “He Had Lots of Bad Days”

In an unprecedented historical decision, US President Joe Biden issued a ‘Postmortem Pardon’ for al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. This comes a week after an Atlanta police officer excused the attacks on Asian businesses by saying the suspect “was having a bad day“. “Listen here jack,” said Biden responding to a female reporter’s question. … Continue reading “US Pardons bin Laden After Realizing “He Had Lots of Bad Days””

Chinese Authorities Upset Uyghur Women Keep Becoming Housewives at Prime Sweatshop Age

Chinese President Xi Jinping complained today that Uyghur Muslim women are getting married as early as 13 years old, an age that he claimed is perfect to work at sweatshops. This comes after reports around the globe accused China of a Muslim genocide after finding evidence of concentration camps. “They are merely youth detention facilities,” … Continue reading “Chinese Authorities Upset Uyghur Women Keep Becoming Housewives at Prime Sweatshop Age”

Trump Issues Statement Taking Credit for Freeing Cargo Ship Ever Given

Former US President Donald J. Trump issued a statement this week taking credit for freeing Ever Given, the cargo ship that had been wedged across the Suez Canal last week. “I hope everyone remembers while benefiting from global trade that if I wasn’t President, they would not be participating in such a beautiful shipping process, … Continue reading “Trump Issues Statement Taking Credit for Freeing Cargo Ship Ever Given”

ISIS Used Offensive Terminology During Call Planning Terror Attacks, Taylor Lorenz Reports

Members of the Islamic State used insensitive terminology during a recent Zoom call, New York Times technology reporter Taylor Lorenz revealed after obtaining a fake identity and accessing the virtual meeting. Lorenz reported that ISIS Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi used the “b-slur” – a reference to people with visual impairments – when stating that the … Continue reading “ISIS Used Offensive Terminology During Call Planning Terror Attacks, Taylor Lorenz Reports”

In Second Miracle, Moses Parts Ship Blocking Suez Canal and Lets Jewish Cargo Pass

In what religious scholars are calling his second Passover miracle, Jewish Prophet Moses emerged from the Egyptian desert and parted Ever Given, the cargo ship that has been wedged across the Suez Canal for the past week. The ship has blocked all traffic across the canal, preventing traders from reaching their destinations. But on Sunday … Continue reading “In Second Miracle, Moses Parts Ship Blocking Suez Canal and Lets Jewish Cargo Pass”

U.S. and Israel Totally Screw over the Last of ISIS with Apple Watch Gift

This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as the last of ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader al-Qurashi, or so they thought. Along with the usual shipment of head-separating equipment, the remaining ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the … Continue reading “U.S. and Israel Totally Screw over the Last of ISIS with Apple Watch Gift”

United Arab List Leader Agrees to Support Netanyahu If He Admits Falafel Not an ‘Israeli’ Food

Mansour Abbas, the leader of the United Arab List and a potential kingmaker in the coalition-building process, has agreed to support Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu under one condition: Netanyahu must publicly acknowledge that neither falafel nor hummus are ‘Israeli’ foods. Abbas says he will support whichever candidate is willing to stand in front of … Continue reading “United Arab List Leader Agrees to Support Netanyahu If He Admits Falafel Not an ‘Israeli’ Food”

Evangelicals Impatient That Israel Still Hasn’t Brought About the Second Coming

America’s Evangelical Christian Zionists are growing impatient that the prophecy foretelling the mass conversion of the Jews in Israel and the Second Coming of Christ is yet to be fulfilled. “Our support for Israel is unshakeable,” one Christian Zionist from Dallas told The Mideast Beast, “but if those Israelis don’t see the light of Jesus … Continue reading “Evangelicals Impatient That Israel Still Hasn’t Brought About the Second Coming”

Teen Vogue Fires Editor for Reading Dr. Seuss When She Was in Preschool

Teen Vogue has once again fired its editor-in-chief after pictures emerged of the newly hired top journalist reading Dr. Seuss’s “The Cat in the Hat” when she was a young child. Emelia Mackenzie was hired Thursday after her predecessor, Alexi McCammond, was fired when racially insensitive tweets resurfaced from a decade prior, when she was … Continue reading “Teen Vogue Fires Editor for Reading Dr. Seuss When She Was in Preschool”

Biden Pulls Troops from Middle East to Deploy at Tucker Carlson’s House

In the most dramatic shift in military strategy since 9/11, President Joe Biden has withdrawn all combat forces from the Middle East and stationed them outside the home of controversial Fox News host Tucker Carlson. The redeployment marks an escalation between Biden’s regime and Carlson following remarks by the conservative host about women serving in … Continue reading “Biden Pulls Troops from Middle East to Deploy at Tucker Carlson’s House”

Bill de Blasio Arrests Entire Jewish Community for Inviting ‘Extra Guest’ to Passover Dinner

This weekend Bill de Blasio managed to outdo himself by pre-arresting the entire Jewish Community of New York after finding out that they were all planning on inviting the same guest over for Passover. De Blasio insisted that he didn’t want to seem biased against the Jewish community, but he could not stand by and … Continue reading “Bill de Blasio Arrests Entire Jewish Community for Inviting ‘Extra Guest’ to Passover Dinner”

China Elects Joe Biden President So Media Will Stop Referring to Uyghur ‘Concentration Camps’

After watching the media and celebrities stop paying attention to children kept in cages at the border after he took office, China has elected Joe Biden as president in hopes of quelling criticism of its own Uyghur internment camps. The decision came amidst mounting criticism of the camps in China’s Xinjiang Province, with a recent … Continue reading “China Elects Joe Biden President So Media Will Stop Referring to Uyghur ‘Concentration Camps’”

Biden to Respond to Khashoggi Murder by Giving MBS a Noogie

After an intelligence report revealed that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman gave the order to execute Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi, President Joe Biden has finally settled on an appropriate response. Biden plans to give MBS an “atomic noogie,” an act that involves rubbing the top of a person’s head with one’s knuckle. The … Continue reading “Biden to Respond to Khashoggi Murder by Giving MBS a Noogie”

Statue of Liberty Accuses Cuomo of Climbing Under Her Robe

Yet another woman has accused New York Governor Andrew Cuomo of inappropriate behavior, with 134-year-old Lady Liberty now saying that the embattled pol snuck under her robe and climbed up her leg during a 2018 trip to Liberty Island. Calling the governor a “manipulative predator,” the 151-foot statue of the Roman goddess Libertas said the … Continue reading “Statue of Liberty Accuses Cuomo of Climbing Under Her Robe”

‘I was Jumped by Queen Elizabeth’ Jussie Smollett Claims

Empire star Jussie Smollett has once again been attacked in a racially motivated incident, this time by Queen Elizabeth II, the actor said. Smollett was walking home in downtown Chicago when the queen and her husband, Duke of Edinburgh Prince Philip, jumped him and stole his Subway sandwich. After expressing concern about his skin tone, … Continue reading “‘I was Jumped by Queen Elizabeth’ Jussie Smollett Claims”

‘I was Jumped by Queen Elizabeth’ Jussie Smollett Claims

Empire star Jussie Smollett has once again been attacked in a racially motivated incident, this time by Queen Elizabeth II, the actor said. Smollett was walking home in downtown Chicago when the queen and her husband, Duke of Edinburgh Prince Philip, jumped him and stole his Subway sandwich. After expressing concern about his skin tone, … Continue reading “‘I was Jumped by Queen Elizabeth’ Jussie Smollett Claims”

Champ Biden Sent to Guantanamo After Attacks on President and Top Staff

President Joe Biden’s three-year-old German Shepherd Champ has been sent to the Guantanamo Bay detention camp in Cuba after multiple attacks on Biden and his security team. The move came after Champ had an “aggressive incident” in which he bit a member of the White House security staff. The attack came just months after Champ’s … Continue reading “Champ Biden Sent to Guantanamo After Attacks on President and Top Staff”

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head-chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so … Continue reading “ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate””

US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them

The United States has long been known for its hardline stance on not (often) negotiating with terrorists. Or, at least it was, until this week when the US Senate adopted the McConnell Doctrine of overtly negotiating with terrorists if they look like you. After the US Capitol Building was attacked just two months ago by … Continue reading “US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them”

Biden Declares War on Iran After Ayatollah Reads ‘The Cat in the Hat’

President Joe Biden has withdrawn his offer to enter nuclear talks with the Islamic Republic of Iran and officially declared war after Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei read the Dr. Seuss classic ‘The Cat in the Hat’ at a Friday sermon. The sermon started innocently enough, with the Ayatollah declaring “Death to America” and “Death to … Continue reading “Biden Declares War on Iran After Ayatollah Reads ‘The Cat in the Hat’”

Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns

In response to legislation in Austria, Denmark and France banning Muslim women from wearing the burqa, Muslim countries across the Middle East have begun cracking down on young to middle-aged white men sporting “man buns”. Saudi Arabia was the first to issue a “man bun ban,” calling the hairstyle a threat to national security. Iran, … Continue reading “Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns”

Israeli Facebook community can’t handle that people criticize Israel online

If there is one thing Israelis (original or transplant) feel more passionately about than Israel, it’s people criticizing or complaining about Israel. It appears that the online community of Israel is so effective at overreacting that they don’t even have to read the articles to mobilize their indignation. Often times a mere whiff of a … Continue reading “Israeli Facebook community can’t handle that people criticize Israel online”

Cuomo Orders COVID-Positive Patients be Shipped to Homes of his Accusers

In an effort to crush two ongoing scandals, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has ordered that nursing homes transfer residents who test positive for coronavirus to the home of one of the women accusing Cuomo of sexual harassment. Cuomo has been under fire over accusations that his administration hid the death toll from COVID-19 at … Continue reading “Cuomo Orders COVID-Positive Patients be Shipped to Homes of his Accusers”

‘Cancelled’ al Qaeda Leader Launches Substack

Lamenting that “cancel culture” has made it more difficult than ever to preach the virtues of jihad at an institution like al Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahiri announced Monday that he is leaving the terror organization and launching an Islamist newsletter on Substack. “While I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to work for and lead … Continue reading “‘Cancelled’ al Qaeda Leader Launches Substack”

Saudi Arabia to Require ‘Potato Head’ Toy to Have Face Veiled

After Hasbro announced that its classic Mr. Potato Head toy would drop the “Mr.” from its name, Saudi leaders are requiring that all Potato Heads be covered from head to toe. “Even with the possibility that Sayyed Potato is in fact a woman, she is unlikely to give impure thoughts to too many hot-blooded Arab … Continue reading “Saudi Arabia to Require ‘Potato Head’ Toy to Have Face Veiled”

Saudi Arabia to Require ‘Potato Head’ Toy to Have Face Veiled

After Hasbro announced that its classic Mr. Potato Head toy would drop the “Mr.” from its name, Saudi leaders are requiring that all Potato Heads be covered from head to toe. “Even with the possibility that Sayyed Potato is in fact a woman, she is unlikely to give impure thoughts to too many hot-blooded Arab … Continue reading “Saudi Arabia to Require ‘Potato Head’ Toy to Have Face Veiled”

Biden Embarrassed to Learn Navy SEALs Not Actually Aquatic Mammals

From the vault: a TMB #ThrowBackThursday After the identity of the Navy SEAL who claims to have killed Osama bin Laden was revealed as Montana resident Robert O’Neill, Vice President Joe Biden was devastated to discover that the elite military unit was comprised almost entirely of humans and that the U.S. military did not employ any … Continue reading “Biden Embarrassed to Learn Navy SEALs Not Actually Aquatic Mammals”

Uyghurs in Labor Camps Thank Disney for Firing Gina Carano

Members of China’s Uyghurs minority breathed a collective sigh of relief earlier this month when Disney fired controversial actress and former MMA star Gina Carano from its hit show The Mandalorian. Several Uyghurs that The Mideast Beast spoke to for this article said they had felt immense pride to see a $300 billion corporation like … Continue reading “Uyghurs in Labor Camps Thank Disney for Firing Gina Carano”

Deceased Americans Should Be Buried with Face Masks, Fauci Says

Warning that Americans should not stop taking COVID-19 seriously just because there is a vaccine or because they are dead, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned that people will likely have to wear masks for centuries into the future, even after they die and are buried. “I know some folks are ready to go back to regular … Continue reading “Deceased Americans Should Be Buried with Face Masks, Fauci Says”

Biden Demands Iran Undergo Anti-Racism Training to Re-Enter Nuclear Deal

The US and Iran are on the verge of re-entering the 2015 nuclear deal, but one key sticking point remains. President Joe Biden has agreed to lift all sanctions and allow the Islamic Republic to develop nuclear weapons but is demanding that Iran’s ayatollahs and elected officials undergo weeks of “anti-racism” training. Bestselling author Robin … Continue reading “Biden Demands Iran Undergo Anti-Racism Training to Re-Enter Nuclear Deal”

ISIS Defector ‘Just Dropping off His Daughter in Syria’, Claims She Wanted to See a Drone

On Friday a man was arrested at the Toronto Airport after returning from a six-year “work trip” to Syria. Despite the ticking sound coming from his backpack, Tedi al-Cruzi was quickly released from airport custody after he patiently explained that he was only in the region because his daughter really wanted to see a Russian … Continue reading “ISIS Defector ‘Just Dropping off His Daughter in Syria’, Claims She Wanted to See a Drone”

ISIS Defector ‘Just Dropping off His Daughter in Syria’, Claims She Wanted to See a Drone

On Friday a man was arrested at the Toronto Airport after returning from a six-year “work trip” to Syria. Despite the ticking sound coming from his backpack, Tedi al-Cruzi was quickly released from airport custody after he patiently explained that he was only in the region because his daughter really wanted to see a Russian … Continue reading “ISIS Defector ‘Just Dropping off His Daughter in Syria’, Claims She Wanted to See a Drone”

ISIS Leader Hospitalized After Styling Beard with Gorilla Glue

The leader of the Islamic State terrorist group has been admitted into Raqqa hospital after accidentally using Gorilla Glue spray adhesive to style his beard. ISIS Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi had hoped using the heavy-duty adhesive would add volume to his facial hair, which fellow jihadis believed was unimpressive and undermined his authority. Qurashi livestreamed … Continue reading “ISIS Leader Hospitalized After Styling Beard with Gorilla Glue”

ISIS, al Qaeda Launch Rival Pillow Companies

Rival terror groups ISIS and al Qaeda have gone to the mattresses, with each organization launching a new pillow brand for its supporters. The pillow war started after al Qaeda began advertising its Jihad Pillow on late night television. The pillow’s tagline, “You don’t want to meet Allah without a good night’s sleep,” helped it … Continue reading “ISIS, al Qaeda Launch Rival Pillow Companies”

Iran Announces it Will Seek Nuclear Chicken Wings

In an escalation of threats against the US and Israel, Iranian leaders announced that they are now considering developing nuclear wings. Iran had previously vowed not to exceed the “blazin’” spiciness level, with Ayatollah Ali Khamenei famously issuing a fatwa, or religious decree, declaring that too much heat is against the laws of Islam. But … Continue reading “Iran Announces it Will Seek Nuclear Chicken Wings”

ICC Chief to Launch War Crimes Investigation After Israeli Hummus Gives Her Gas

The International Criminal Court plans to prosecute Israel for violations of the Chemical Weapons Convention after a container of Sabra hummus eaten by chief prosecutor Fatou Bensouda resulted in severe flatulence. Bensouda announced she would launch a war crimes investigation after learning that the company’s founder is Israeli, meaning the country bears responsibility for her … Continue reading “ICC Chief to Launch War Crimes Investigation After Israeli Hummus Gives Her Gas”

Chiefs Fans Storm NFL Headquarters to Overturn Bucs Super Bowl Win

Chanting “Stop the Steal,” Kansas City Chiefs fans invaded the NFL headquarters in New York late Sunday night demanding commissioner Roger Goodell name the Chiefs the winners of Super Bowl LV. What started as a protest against the official results of the championship game turned violent after Chiefs fans overran security and forced their way … Continue reading “Chiefs Fans Storm NFL Headquarters to Overturn Bucs Super Bowl Win”

Ted Cruz Shot at Me in Bosnia, Clinton Says

Former First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has revealed the identity of the sniper who tried to assassinate her during a 1996 trip to Bosnia: Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “I remember landing under sniper fire from Senator Cruz,” Clinton recalled. “We were supposed to have a greeting ceremony, but when I saw Ted … Continue reading “Ted Cruz Shot at Me in Bosnia, Clinton Says”

Ted Cruz Tried to Shoot Me with Space Lasers, AOC Reveals

Senator Ted Cruz’s attempt to murder Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez did not end with the Capitol riot, the congresswoman revealed. The Texas Republican also tried to shoot her down with a giant space laser, Ocasio-Cortez said in an emotional speech on the House floor. “I was walking down the street in the rain the other day … Continue reading “Ted Cruz Tried to Shoot Me with Space Lasers, AOC Reveals”

Taylor Greene Invited to Serve on Hamas Education Committee

First-year Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene will be serving on an education committee after all. Just a day after the US House of Representatives voted to bar Greene from the House Committee on Education and Labor, Hamas, the Islamist militant group in charge of governing the Gaza Strip, announced that it has invited her to chair … Continue reading “Taylor Greene Invited to Serve on Hamas Education Committee”

Americans Jealous of Myanmar Over Competent Military Coup

As Myanmar’s military launched a coup d’état to seize power early Monday morning, Americans were reportedly a little bit jealous that anti-Democratic forces were able to depose the elected leader without making the entire country look like circus sideshow. “There were no shirtless Vikings running around, no one taking selfies, no one stealing podiums,” one … Continue reading “Americans Jealous of Myanmar Over Competent Military Coup”

Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools

Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range … Continue reading “Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools”