Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be cutting everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to the spread … Continue reading “Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread”

Barghouti: Saving Our Own Asses More Important Than Boycotting Israel

Omar Barghouti, the founder of the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement against Israel (BDS) said on Sunday that if Israel comes up with a vaccine against coronavirus, it will be kosher for boycotters to use it. “Up until now, we have not been in a situation where we need Israel urgently and no one else … Continue reading “Barghouti: Saving Our Own Asses More Important Than Boycotting Israel”

Trump Proposes Mass Prescription of Prozac to End Syrian Civil War

After suggesting that the United States start using anti-Malaria medication to treat COVID-19 patients, a confident President Donald Trump, excited by the prospect of solving problems with unproven pills, announced plans to end the Syrian civil war by supplying billions of Prozac pills. Trump made his announcement at a White House press briefing, saying that … Continue reading “Trump Proposes Mass Prescription of Prozac to End Syrian Civil War”

Concerned about COVID-19 Erdogan Orders Soundproof Masks on Journalists

Concerned about soaring COVID-19 rates in his country, Turkish President and Grand Sultan-wannabe Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, has ordered “all problematic journalists” to don N95 soundproof masks. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, Erdogan noted, “All Turks are very precious to me, especially Turkish journalists who adore me for pampering them with unprecedented freedom. Out of concern … Continue reading “Concerned about COVID-19 Erdogan Orders Soundproof Masks on Journalists”

Saudi Crown Prince Releases COVID-Safe Guidelines on Murdering Political Opponents

In an effort to follow Word Health Organization (WHO) regulations on avoiding close personal contact, especially any exchange of bodily fluids, the Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS), announced today a new set of safety guidelines on how to murder political opponents without contracting the novel coronavirus. The guidelines encourage all contract killers to … Continue reading “Saudi Crown Prince Releases COVID-Safe Guidelines on Murdering Political Opponents”

Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa Against Carole Baskin

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has issued a fatwa, or religious decree, against American animal rights activist Carole Baskin, accusing the big cat enthusiast of killing her husband. “The Quran and many hadiths warn explicitly not to feed your husband to a herd of tigers,” Khamenei exclaimed. “If that infidel Carole Baskin does not repent … Continue reading “Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa Against Carole Baskin”

Bored Quarantined Celebs Work on Middle East Peace Plan

Antonio Guterres, Secretary-General of the United Nations, delivered breaking news on Friday when he tweeted that Lady Gaga had found the time to talk to him recently about her recent work on peacemaking in the Middle East. “@ladygaga I am so touched that you are spending this moment in your bored #stayathome routine to try … Continue reading “Bored Quarantined Celebs Work on Middle East Peace Plan”

Iran to Ease Sanctions on US

Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has surprisingly decided to ease the Islamic Republic’s choking sanctions on Washington, which have denied suffering American consumers vital commodities such as Persian rugs made in child factories, Iranian fruits, and crumbling Islamic revolutions. Iran’s softening move comes as the US has quickly emerged as the world’s corona epicenter, with … Continue reading “Iran to Ease Sanctions on US”

Middle East Peace at Risk as Jared Distracted

News that the President’s son-in-law – and Westworld robot voted “most unconvincing” three years in a row – Jared Kushner, is taking a leading role in the fight against COVID-19 has been met with dismay in Middle Eastern capitals. A Saudi government spokesman commented, “Well what are we going to do now? We were really … Continue reading “Middle East Peace at Risk as Jared Distracted”

COVID-19 Death Toll Soars Among Saudi Journalists

Every day brings new information about those who are most at risk of serious complications from the novel coronavirus. This group includes those who are over sixty and anyone with heart, respiratory or immune conditions. Nonetheless, new data, which has been collected at various embassies and consulates, suggests that the group most likely to die … Continue reading “COVID-19 Death Toll Soars Among Saudi Journalists”

George Zimmerman Tasked with Enforcing Stay-at-Home Orders

Looking to crack down on citizens violating lockdown orders issued to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, several US states have hired community watch vigilante George Zimmerman to confront anyone seen in public for non-essential business. “To make sure people are following social distancing guidelines, we have asked Mr. Zimmerman to patrol our streets … Continue reading “George Zimmerman Tasked with Enforcing Stay-at-Home Orders”

Ultra-Orthodox Jews to Hold Massive Prayer Rallies to Stop Coronavirus

Criticizing their secular counterparts for doing too little to stop the spread of COVID-19, ultra-Orthodox Jews in the US and Israel announced a series of massive prayer rallies to combat the disease. “Just when we need prayer more than ever, many of our fellow Jews have decided that now is the time to stop going … Continue reading “Ultra-Orthodox Jews to Hold Massive Prayer Rallies to Stop Coronavirus”

Embracing Social Distancing, Trump to Sell New York City to Iran

President Trump has decided to embrace unconventional social distancing by seeking to sell corona-infested New York City to Iran. A slightly virus-phobic President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast about New York after disinfecting his private phone five times during the seven-minute conversation. “Believe me; nobody exports the coronavirus better than me. Instead of enforcing … Continue reading “Embracing Social Distancing, Trump to Sell New York City to Iran”

Trump on ISIS: ‘They’ll Go Away by Summertime”

When asked about the ongoing ISIS presence in Syria, President Trump offered a surprisingly optimistic view of the future.  He even went so far as to say that the problem would, like a miracle, get rid of itself by summertime, citing the “beautiful beaches they have over there.” “These guys,” he began, “I mean, they’re … Continue reading “Trump on ISIS: ‘They’ll Go Away by Summertime””

European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling

As cities go on lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic, jihadists are increasingly finding themselves out of human targets, and therefore out of jobs. The European Union released a statement about the financial distress that Covid19 is causing terrorists from ISIS to Al Qaeda and Hezbollah: “The European Union is concerned by the shutting down … Continue reading “European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling”

Obama, Kerry Urge Negotiations with COVID-19

Insisting that the coronavirus is not violent but simply misunderstood, former President Barack Obama and former Secretary of State John Kerry are calling for a negotiated settlement to the COVID-19 crisis. “For months, our refusal to treat this virus as a legitimate and equal party has allowed it to spread unchecked,” said Kerry. “Only by … Continue reading “Obama, Kerry Urge Negotiations with COVID-19”

Human Rights Watch: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling

As cities go on lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic, jihadists are increasingly finding themselves out of human targets, and therefore out of jobs. The Mideast Beast spoke to Human Rights Watch director Kenneth Roth about the financial distress that Covid-19 is causing terrorists from ISIS to Al Qaeda and Hezbollah: “Human Rights Watch is … Continue reading “Human Rights Watch: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling”

US Quickly Moves Toilet Paper Reserves to Fort Knox Following ISIS Threat of “Crippling Attack”

The US government is reportedly moving the nation’s diminishing toilet paper reserves to Fort Knox, known by many as ‘the Vault’, famous for its high-level physical security. Locals in Kentucky reported sightings of military vehicles in a miles-long convoy, accompanied by troops from the US Armed Forces, including, by demand of President Trump, detachments from … Continue reading “US Quickly Moves Toilet Paper Reserves to Fort Knox Following ISIS Threat of “Crippling Attack””

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus

In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” … Continue reading “Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus”

Nuclear-Smallpox-Mustard Gas Asteroid Hits Earth, Netanyahu Still Prime Minister

Following last week’s impact of an asteroid comprised of weapons-grade uranium infused with mustard gas and smallpox, it seemed that everything in the world changed overnight. As the world emerges from the ashes there seems to be only one relic of history still in place – Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu will form yet another Israeli government. … Continue reading “Nuclear-Smallpox-Mustard Gas Asteroid Hits Earth, Netanyahu Still Prime Minister”

AOC: Racist Corona State Threatens World Peace

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) is urging US millennials to “boycott the racist Mideast state Corona.” The call comes right when New York just became the corona epicenter in the US. AOC spoke to The Mideast Beast about her important message to young progressive Americans. “Well, you know, if you are smart like me, you must … Continue reading “AOC: Racist Corona State Threatens World Peace”

Benny Gantz to Consult Aung San Suu Kyi on How to ‘Fail to Deliver’

Benny Gantz placed his bid to become the next Knesset Speaker on Thursday, increasing the likelihood a coalition government with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Now he is already cashing in on the historic about-face. Gantz is going to advise Nobel prize winner-turned-ethnic cleansing enabler, Aung San Suu Kyi, on how to epically disappoint expectations. Benny … Continue reading “Benny Gantz to Consult Aung San Suu Kyi on How to ‘Fail to Deliver’”

Iran Requests Humanitarian Assistance; Can No Longer Bomb Civilians on its Own

The Iranian government has lodged an official request with both the United Nations Security Council and the European Union for assistance as it battles the ongoing novel coronavirus. As part of that assistance, The Islamic Republic of Iran requested that they immediately begin bombing Syrian civilians, arming Hezbollah and support global terror activities after it … Continue reading “Iran Requests Humanitarian Assistance; Can No Longer Bomb Civilians on its Own”

Sanders Blasts .1% of Americans for Hogging 100% of Coronavirus

In a scathing attack on Americans battling COVID-19, Senator Bernie Sanders accused the 60,000 Americans diagnosed with the novel coronavirus of rigging the system to prevent all Americans from experiencing the disease. “We keep hearing about how America is leading the world in new coronavirus cases, and how there have never been more Americans with … Continue reading “Sanders Blasts .1% of Americans for Hogging 100% of Coronavirus”

To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning

MANHATTAN — The Mideast Beast’s North American Desk was at the Javits Center in Manhattan on Tuesday covering the latest on the coronavirus. In an effort to stop its spread, New York’s Governor Andrew M. Cuomo called for the harshest measures yet to combat the infectious disease. Cuomo was adamant that the city’s residents must … Continue reading “To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning”

Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine

The health-concerned feminist Taliban have placed Afghani harems in indefinite quarantine. The dramatic development comes as the coronavirus has wreaked havoc on Afghanistan’s once booming Jihad Trade Exchange and closed the country’s world-famous beaches to opium-seeking California dreaming surfers. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar told The Mideast Beast how it feels to be in … Continue reading “Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine”

Blaming Thunberg and AOC for Coronavirus, Iran Refuses Help from US, Sweden

After refusing to receive medicine to fight the coronavirus from both the US and from Sweden, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei explained to The Mideast Beast why he believes the two nations are in cahoots. “Look at the world right now”, said Khamenei, “the streets are empty everywhere. Everything is closed. No cars, no shops, … Continue reading “Blaming Thunberg and AOC for Coronavirus, Iran Refuses Help from US, Sweden”

Israelis and Palestinians Unite to “Wipe Coronavirus off the Map”

Israelis and Palestinians have vowed to “wipe the coronavirus off the map” together. Gaza resident Thabet Thabet spoke to The Mideast Beast. “It feels like cheating, but I’m cheering Zionist Apache AH-64s neutralizing corona sites in Gaza. In return, since Yid Men Can’t Jump with anti-Covid-19 bomb belts, we teach them all our tricks.” Across … Continue reading “Israelis and Palestinians Unite to “Wipe Coronavirus off the Map””

Heaven Decreases Virgins Per Muslim from 72 to 4 Amid Fears that Large Gatherings Further the Spread of Covid-19

A new report from heaven indicates that the inter-religious council of Gods will be announcing today a decrease in virgins per Muslim from 72 to 4. The move was adopted out of fears that large gatherings will lead to the spread of the novel coronavirus. The move comes after the council rejected plans by the … Continue reading “Heaven Decreases Virgins Per Muslim from 72 to 4 Amid Fears that Large Gatherings Further the Spread of Covid-19”

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the … Continue reading “US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields”

Afghanistan: We Should Be Named Happiest Country

Finland has been named happiest country in the world in the yearly World Happiness Report. The prize for the most miserable nation was taken by Afghanistan, a country so extremely democratic that it elected two presidents in its last presidential elections. The Mideast Beast first spoke to President Abdullah Abdullah about Afghanistan’s poor ranking. “I … Continue reading “Afghanistan: We Should Be Named Happiest Country”

US Kills Virulent Terrorist Mastermind Corona, Trump Claims

In a dramatic overnight covert operation, US Special Forces eliminated the world’s top virulent terrorist, General Corona, outside Baghdad airport. According to President Trump, a US drone fired 19 COVID-positive missiles into the car, carrying Corona, his virulent bodyguards, and some other douche of a virus. In recent weeks, the virus mastermind wreaked havoc on … Continue reading “US Kills Virulent Terrorist Mastermind Corona, Trump Claims”

‘Israelis Not Sexting as Much’, General Security Services Complain

This week saw the deployment of “digital methods” by the Israeli government to stem the tide of Covid-19 infections and with it, a trove of new information is being made available to the Israeli security services. After the first week they have begun to draw some conclusions, and some of them have surprised Shin Bet … Continue reading “‘Israelis Not Sexting as Much’, General Security Services Complain”

Assad Now Embarrassed he Met with Tulsi Gabbard

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has apologized for his 2017 meeting with Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, saying that he had been under the impression that she was a relevant political figure in the US. Assad’s statement came after Gabbard dropped out of the presidential race after receiving just 0.5% of the vote in Tuesday’s primary contests. “I … Continue reading “Assad Now Embarrassed he Met with Tulsi Gabbard”

Israel Places Entirety of Gaza Strip Under Quarantine

To combat Cordvid-19, Israel has announced a plan to place all of the Gaza Strip under quarantine. The plan came into effect after Israel suspected that two people had moved across the border in the past five years. Israel said it will seal off the borders of Gaza indefinitely while it tries to contain the … Continue reading “Israel Places Entirety of Gaza Strip Under Quarantine”

Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone

Yemen, the poorest country in the Middle East, is expecting a sudden economic boom after the Netherlands announced that it was closing down its marijuana “coffee shops” in an attempt to contain the spread of coronavirus. Panicked Dutch people immediately queued up to buy weed, but most of them went home empty-handed as buyers showed … Continue reading “Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone”

Endorsing Sanders, Iran Hosts “Post-Jewish Infidel Pride Parade”

Iran’s super-liberal ayatollah regime is endorsing Bernie Sanders and hosting the world’s largest “Post-Jewish Infidel Pride” parade in Tehran. The unconventional initiative comes after Sanders is increasingly facing pressure to exit the presidential race. Iran’s supreme-leader Ayatollah Khamenei spoke to The Mideast Beast from his Zionist-free, corona-infested subterranean nuclear rice factory. “I am concerned about … Continue reading “Endorsing Sanders, Iran Hosts “Post-Jewish Infidel Pride Parade””

Biden: Only I Can Stop Saddam Hussein

Feeling energized after his third nap, Joe Biden confidently confronted Bernie Sanders during the recent Democratic debate by declaring, “Only I can stop Iraq’s despot Saddam Hussein.” Biden astounded the audience with his unmatched grasp of current foreign affairs. “Wake up folks! Iraq’s dictator Saddam Hussein recently invaded Kuwait. Bernie, this is not the time … Continue reading “Biden: Only I Can Stop Saddam Hussein”

Israel to Shut Down Tinder to Combat Spread of Coronavirus

The indicted, and still sitting Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, gave another press conference this evening to address the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic that has overtaken Israel and the world. Tonight, he detailed additional measures and guidelines that the government has formulated in order to slow its spread. They include, among others, the use of … Continue reading “Israel to Shut Down Tinder to Combat Spread of Coronavirus”

‘I Was Jumped by Coronavirus,’ Jussie Smollett Says

Former ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett was attacked early Monday morning by a violent Coronavirus gang, the actor told Chicago police. Smollett was walking home from a nearby Subway restaurant when a group of Coronavirus germs approached him, according to his own account to police. Yelling, “This is Wuhan country!” the germs proceeded to cough in … Continue reading “‘I Was Jumped by Coronavirus,’ Jussie Smollett Says”

Hamas Joins Bernie Sanders’ Presidential Campaign

Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign has taken some public criticism for some of his campaign surrogates’ questionable views on Israel. It seems though that rather than attempt to assure Jewish communities that the Sanders campaign doesn’t support anti-Semitic propaganda, they’ve gone the other direction: Earlier this week, Hamas announced that it was going to join the … Continue reading “Hamas Joins Bernie Sanders’ Presidential Campaign”

Iranian Officials Agree: “This year we’ll take Israel’s Coronavirus Vaccine, Next Year We’ll Take Jerusalem”

An Iranian cleric, Grand Ayatollah Naser Makarem Shirazi, who is 93 years old, has decreed that it’s okay to use a vaccine against novel coronavirus made by Zionists if ‘there’s no substitute’. As late as Wednesday, however, the ayatollah had said, “It is not permissible to buy and sell from Zionists and Israel”. The Mideast … Continue reading “Iranian Officials Agree: “This year we’ll take Israel’s Coronavirus Vaccine, Next Year We’ll Take Jerusalem””

Hezbollah: “72 Virgins is Too Crowded”, Martyrs Feel Cheated

Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah has ruled that 72 virgins is dangerously crowded for its suicide bombers, leaving many potential martyrs feeling cheated. Nasrallah’s decision comes after he and other senior Hezbollah leaders reportedly contracted the coronavirus. Nasrallah spoke to The Mideast Beast from his subterranean quarantine Beirut bunker. “As Hezbollah’s leader, my main responsibility is … Continue reading “Hezbollah: “72 Virgins is Too Crowded”, Martyrs Feel Cheated”

ISIS Urges Suicide Bombers to Avoid Large Crowds

In an effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus, the Islamic State is advising its suicide bombers to avoid large crowds and densely packed areas while carrying out their operations. “As we look to mitigate the harm caused by COVID-19, we are adjusting our operations to protect our mujahideen against the threat of the virus,” … Continue reading “ISIS Urges Suicide Bombers to Avoid Large Crowds”

Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’

Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents … Continue reading “Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’”

All Opposition in Saudi Arabia Struck Down with COVID-19

A spokesman for Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) has confirmed that COVID-19 has sadly impacted everyone with a difference of opinion from the Crown Prince. “We can confirm that the virus currently sweeping the world has had a particularly strong impact on individuals that have ever expressed less than 100% support for the current leadership. … Continue reading “All Opposition in Saudi Arabia Struck Down with COVID-19”

UN Closes Due to Coronavirus, Israel Condemned

The United Nations has closed due to a coronavirus scare in New York and Geneva. The UN General Assembly remotely condemned Israel, widely blamed for “Coronaizing the world” after “credible intelligence” was provided by the Iranian regime’s Conspiracy Ministry. UN spokesperson Yasser Gaddafi, a cousin of the late and beloved Libyan freedom champion Muammar Gaddafi, … Continue reading “UN Closes Due to Coronavirus, Israel Condemned”

Palestinians Give New Yorkers Tips on Living Under Occupation

With the National Guard called into New York’s suburbs in response to a Coronavirus outbreak, New Yorkers are reaching out to Palestinians for tips on living under military occupation. “Until this week, I never knew what it was like to have my movement restricted, or to see tanks in the street,” said one resident of … Continue reading “Palestinians Give New Yorkers Tips on Living Under Occupation”

Bernie Sanders: I’m Looking Forward to My First Stalinist Purge

Bernie Sanders’ chances of becoming the Democratic nominee for president are shrinking fast after Super Tuesday II. The Mideast Beast caught up with the 78-year-old senator. “I just don’t get it” said Sanders. “There is nothing I didn’t do to win the nomination. I started on high dosage melanin injections and got scheduled in for … Continue reading “Bernie Sanders: I’m Looking Forward to My First Stalinist Purge”

Trump Praises “Best Friends Forever” Deal with Taliban

President Donald Trump has praised the recently signed “Best Friends Forever” deal with the Taliban. The President spoke to The Mideast Beast about his phone conversation with Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar.“I had a good talk with President Mullah. I had a feeling those Jews were listening in on the call, so I was … Continue reading “Trump Praises “Best Friends Forever” Deal with Taliban”