Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special

Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. … Continue reading “Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special”

ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels

Following the recent United States crackdown on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their … Continue reading “ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels”

Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out

Yesterday, Israeli agents joined the world in commemorating the attacks on September 11, 2001. “I can’t believe it’s been 18 years since we managed to pull off one of the greatest terror attacks in history,” one now-retired Mossad agent told The Mideast Beast. “I remember how difficult it was for us to not only call … Continue reading “Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out”

Assad to Send Humanitarian Aid to Bahamas

Calling it a “humanitarian crisis that even we can’t ignore,” Syrian president Bashar al-Assad announced this past Thursday that Syria will be sending humanitarian aid to the Bahamas in the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian. The move comes after the massive storm wreaked havoc on the island chain, destroying homes and infrastructure, leaving over 10,000 people … Continue reading “Assad to Send Humanitarian Aid to Bahamas”

New Jared Peace Plan Based on Sharpie Success

Not content with the awe that the unveiling of his first stab at a peace plan created, Jared Kushner (The Trump son-in-law voted most likely to be a real, live boy) has released an expansion of the plan. “You have to appreciate that the modern Middle East is really just a lot of lines on … Continue reading “New Jared Peace Plan Based on Sharpie Success”

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods … Continue reading “UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien”

Nukes Needed to Counter Pesky Journalists, Erdogan Claims

Claiming that he could not continue to defend his country from aggressive reporting with conventional weapons alone, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan hinted that he may begin developing nuclear arms for his war on the country’s press. “Every other developed nation in the world has nuclear weapons,” Erdoğan said. “But we are left to battle … Continue reading “Nukes Needed to Counter Pesky Journalists, Erdogan Claims”

Assad Debuts Pumpkin Spice Poison Gas for Autumn

Looking to add a seasonal flavor to his war crimes, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will begin using pumpkin spice poison gas after Labor Day. “As a gift to the Syrian people, civilians hit with sarin, chlorine, sulfur and mustard gas this fall will detect a hint of sweet pumpkin,” Assad said in … Continue reading “Assad Debuts Pumpkin Spice Poison Gas for Autumn”

Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli

In a snub that has inserted politics into the world’s most popular film genre, Egyptian porn star Muhammed al-Qadibi walked off the set following a scene with an Israeli co-star before the money shot. The act was seen across the adult film world as a serious violation of industry etiquette, as co-stars are always expected … Continue reading “Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli”

Americans Finally Accept Islam After Learning Muslim Politicians Also Lie, Cheat

In a major breakthrough, a large majority of Americans are now comfortable with Muslims in public life after learning that Muslim politicians also pretend to be devout while cheating on their spouse with a colleague. The shift in public opinion occurred after Ilhan Omar, the first Muslim Congresswoman to wear a headscarf, was accused of … Continue reading “Americans Finally Accept Islam After Learning Muslim Politicians Also Lie, Cheat”

IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time

Beqaa Valley, Lebanon — The Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and Hezbollah have been forced to admit their highly publicized conflict has in fact been a total fraud. An IDF spokesman confirmed, “Yep, the jig is up. The dummy soldiers spotted this week are really just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, the last decades … Continue reading “IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time”

Sanders Praises Yemen for Lack of Millionaires and Billionaires

Calling the war-torn country a model for the US in combating inequality, US Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders effusively praised Yemen for having very few millionaires and billionaires. “In America, supposedly the greatest country in the world, there are thousands of millionaires and billionaires walking around freely, hogging all the wealth,” Sanders told reporters … Continue reading “Sanders Praises Yemen for Lack of Millionaires and Billionaires”

Trump and Zarif Hammer Back Late-Night Drinks

Following the Group of Seven summit held in Biarritz, France, President Donald Trump and Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Zarif were caught taking shots at a local pub. The members of the summit, the world’s seven economically robust countries, were taken by surprise when Zarif attended as a special guest of French president Emmanuel Macron. During … Continue reading “Trump and Zarif Hammer Back Late-Night Drinks”

Iran Claims It Needs Nuclear Weapons to Fight Hurricanes

Following news that President Donald Trump had suggested using nuclear bombs to stop hurricanes from hitting the US, the Iranian regime is now insisting that its nuclear weapons program is in fact aimed at protecting the country from severe weather events. “We said all along that our nuclear program was peaceful,” Iranian President Hassan Rouhani … Continue reading “Iran Claims It Needs Nuclear Weapons to Fight Hurricanes”

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. … Continue reading “Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols”

Imitating Bolsonaro, Al Qaeda Tries to Burn Down Arabian Desert

Envious that so much of the world’s anger has been directed towards Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro over fires in the Amazon Rainforest, al Qaeda has ordered its warriors to burn down the Middle East’s preeminent ecosystem, the Arabian Desert. Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri said in an internal memo that he hopes raging fires across … Continue reading “Imitating Bolsonaro, Al Qaeda Tries to Burn Down Arabian Desert”

ISIS Takes Responsibility for Amazon Fires

Calling it one of their greatest attacks, ISIS claimed responsibility for the forest fires that are wreaking havoc across the Amazon rainforest. “Today, the caliphate celebrates a great victory over the world,” former Caliph Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi announced in a live broadcast Thursday morning. “We can attack New York, Paris, and even Bowling Green as … Continue reading “ISIS Takes Responsibility for Amazon Fires”

In Totally Unexpected Move, ISIS Takes Responsibility for Amazon Fires

Calling it one of their greatest attacks, ISIS surprisingly claimed responsibility for the forest fires that are wreaking havoc across the Amazon rainforest. “Today, the caliphate celebrates a great victory over the world,” former Caliph Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi announced in a live broadcast Thursday morning. “We can attack New York, Paris, Damascus…but today we celebrate … Continue reading “In Totally Unexpected Move, ISIS Takes Responsibility for Amazon Fires”

Israel Picks Salman of Saudi Arabia as new King

Following high-level negotiations between Jerusalem and Riyadh, it has been confirmed that King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques will be adding Israel to his portfolio later this year. The decision was made following concern that President Donald Trump might actually proclaim himself regent with a view to turning the … Continue reading “Israel Picks Salman of Saudi Arabia as new King”

Jewish Democrats Pledge Support for Trump to Prove Loyalty

In the wake of President Trump’s latest statements regarding the Jews and Israel, many Jewish Democrats across the United States have taken to social media to pledge their full support to the President and his administration. “If you want to vote Democrat, you are being very disloyal to Jewish people and very disloyal to Israel,” … Continue reading “Jewish Democrats Pledge Support for Trump to Prove Loyalty”

Iran’s Supreme Leader Furious After Banned from Salman Rushdie’s Birthday Party

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei is calling for a complete boycott of Salman Rushdie after the novelist refused to invite Khamenei to his 73rd birthday party. Khamenei, who recently renewed a 30-year-old fatwa calling for Rushdie’s death, had planned to spend the birthday party lobbying for guests to carry out the death order. But those … Continue reading “Iran’s Supreme Leader Furious After Banned from Salman Rushdie’s Birthday Party”

ISIS Doctor Loses License for Actually Saving Life

Calling him “disgraceful” and “an infidel,” ISIS spokesman Abu Hassan al-Muhajir has announced the disqualification of Dr. Abu-Bakhr’s license to practice medicine. The decision to revoke his license comes after the surgeon provided life-saving intervention to a little boy suffering from tuberculosis. “Abu-Bakhr intentionally defied the protocol set in place to prevent this type of … Continue reading “ISIS Doctor Loses License for Actually Saving Life”

Mike Pence Reconsiders Position on Palestine after Gay-Ban

In the wake the Palestinian Authority’s (PA) decision to ban LGBTQ activities in the West Bank, Vice President Mike Pence has announced the Trump administration is rethinking its pro-Israel position. “For the longest time, I thought the Palestinians were just some god-forsaken, backwater savages! But after this, I think we’ve got to reconsider. I’ve been … Continue reading “Mike Pence Reconsiders Position on Palestine after Gay-Ban”

President Trump Buys Yemen

Following the refusal of the Danish government to consider selling him Greenland, President Trump has set his sights on the Middle Eastern country voted “Most Bombable” five years in a row. A spokesman for the President commented, “Frankly we were just testing the waters with Greenland. But it was clear early on that there was … Continue reading “President Trump Buys Yemen”

Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Following rocky negotiations between US and Israeli officials about new settlements in the West Bank, President Trump has instructed his envoy to allow building to go ahead, so long as they bear a giant “Trump” sign on the entrance. “This might be the toughest deal ever,” commented the President  “I’m not really up to speed … Continue reading “Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo”

Tlaib’s New Style of Flip-Flops Are Getting Mixed Reviews

Breaking from her every-day routine, Democratic Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib has released a new style of flip-flops. “Believe it or not,” she told The Mideast Beast, “but ‘flip-flopping’ is quite popular among politicians inside the Capitol. Mine are just more of an unexpected kind.” Tlaib’s flip-flops, apparently influenced by a small team with links to a … Continue reading “Tlaib’s New Style of Flip-Flops Are Getting Mixed Reviews”

Tlaib’s Grandmother Furious She Must Keep Cooking, Throwing Away Food

While Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib’s on-again off-again plans to visit Israel and the Palestinian territories have roiled the US, the uncertainty has also caused untold aggravation for Tlaib’s grandmother, who has spent the past week cooking for Rashida’s expected visit. After staying up all night cooking Rashida’s favorite dishes earlier this week, Tlaib’s grandmother was forced … Continue reading “Tlaib’s Grandmother Furious She Must Keep Cooking, Throwing Away Food”

Anthony Weiner Distraught He Never Got to Befriend Epstein

Calling the deceased financier a kindred spirit, former US Congressman Anthony Weiner is reportedly distraught that he never got the chance to become friends with Jeffrey Epstein before his death. In a since-deleted Tweet, the disgraced New York politician complained that he was never invited to Epstein’s mansion, let alone his ‘orgy island’ in the … Continue reading “Anthony Weiner Distraught He Never Got to Befriend Epstein”

Elders of Zion Admit “It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Everyone Realizes, We Killed Jeffrey Epstein”

The Elders of Zion have expressed concern since conspiracy theories started doing the rounds following the apparent suicide of wealthy American financer Jeffrey Epstein “Obviously, such a wealthy well-connected man accused of serious criminal behavior ‘conveniently’ killing himself ahead of a trial which could have implicated other powerful people has lent itself to conspiracy theorists … Continue reading “Elders of Zion Admit “It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Everyone Realizes, We Killed Jeffrey Epstein””

Bronx Zoo to Ban Video Games After Hedgehog Attacks Woman, Steals Rings

The Bronx Zoo announced that it will no longer allow its animals to play video games due to concerns that the games are leading to violent behavior. The decision came after one of the zoo’s hedgehogs attacked a visitor and stole her rings after playing hours upon hours of Sonic the Hedgehog. Just days earlier, … Continue reading “Bronx Zoo to Ban Video Games After Hedgehog Attacks Woman, Steals Rings”

New Report Shows Osama Bin Laden Was Killed in Accidental ‘Swatting’ Attack

Osama bin Laden’s death at the hands of US special forces was actually a freak accident after he was ‘swatted’ during an online gaming competition, a Department of Defense report has revealed. A spokesperson for the DoD confirmed, “The SEAL team located the bin Laden compound and killed  the arch terrorist by sheer fluke. It … Continue reading “New Report Shows Osama Bin Laden Was Killed in Accidental ‘Swatting’ Attack”

Saudis to Seek US Advice on Getting Enemies to Commit Suicide

Nearly a year after his bungling execution of Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi drew international condemnation, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman is looking to his American allies for help in getting troublesome individuals to commit suicide. Bin Salman’s appeal for help came after billionaire financier and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in … Continue reading “Saudis to Seek US Advice on Getting Enemies to Commit Suicide”

Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has escalated to new heights with each side accusing the other of misgendering. In a statement released by the Office of the Prime Minister for-Life, Benjamin Netanyahu explained, “We used to be called Palestine, but on the inside, we’ve always been Israel. And so, in 1948 we transitioned. Israel is our gender, … Continue reading “Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another”

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy … Continue reading “Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria”

ISIS Bans Gun Sales to People Without History of Violence

With the signing of landmark gun control legislation, the Islamic State has banned all gun sales to individuals with no history of violence, domestic abuse or mental illness. “While I believe strongly in the right to bear arms, there are certain people who should simply not own a military-grade weapon,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi … Continue reading “ISIS Bans Gun Sales to People Without History of Violence”

Diplomatic Report Shows Iran Left Off Email Chain Re: Jared Plan for Peace

There have been red faces all-round the US State Department this week as a junior official confirmed that Iran had inadvertently not been included in the recipient list for the Jared Kushner peace plan. The revelation has provided a clear explanation for their recent saber rattling in the Gulf. They just hadn’t been made aware … Continue reading “Diplomatic Report Shows Iran Left Off Email Chain Re: Jared Plan for Peace”

South Asia Set to Officially Become The ‘New Middle East’

As tensions rise between nuclear-armed neighbours India and Pakistan, many international observers are now starting to term the region as the ‘New Middle East’. The new status comes following India’s controversial decision to change the status of the disputed territory of Kashmir, coupled with Pakistan’s feisty response. “A territorial and religious conflict borne out of … Continue reading “South Asia Set to Officially Become The ‘New Middle East’”

ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’

In a move aimed at terrorizing US citizens, the Islamic State has announced a new initiative to sit back and do nothing while Americans slaughter each other in mass shootings. “The whole point of radical Islamic terrorism is to prevent people from gathering at church, in school, at shopping centers, or at bars without the … Continue reading “ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’”

Syrian Civil War Ends After Assad Bans Violent Video Games

Taking inspiration from GOP Congressman Kevin McCarthy and US President Donald Trump, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has ended years of violence and civil war by enacting a ban on violent video games. The ban, which came after more than 400,000 Syrian deaths since 2011, has brought peace to the region, as both ISIS and pro-government … Continue reading “Syrian Civil War Ends After Assad Bans Violent Video Games”

US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay

Saying that the threat of additional terrorist attacks justified extraordinary measures, the US has begun holding suspected white supremacists on the island of Gringotanamo Bay off the coast of Cuba. American officials made the decision after a pair of shootings in Dayton, Ohio and El Paso, Texas – one of which was believed to be … Continue reading “US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay”

Jihadists Assumed Hamza bin Laden Died Years Ago

Some of the Middle East’s most ardent Jihadists have expressed surprise at the announcement of the death of Hamza bin Laden, the son of 9/11 mastermind Osama, as they had assumed he had been dead for years. “When we’d heard that the Americans had declared Hamza dead, our first question was ‘who’?”, commented one Al … Continue reading “Jihadists Assumed Hamza bin Laden Died Years Ago”

Biden’s Faltering Campaign Not Getting Support from Zionist Elders

Former Vice-President Joe Biden’s thus-far underwhelming performance in the Democratic Party’s primaries debates is due in large part to his campaign team’s failure to secure support from the Zionist overlords of Hollywood, the world banking system and the DNC, with of course the exception of #thesquad, who are entirely their own type of annoying. “It’s … Continue reading “Biden’s Faltering Campaign Not Getting Support from Zionist Elders”

Linda Sarsour to Convert to Judaism After Learning Women and Arabs Serve in Parliament, Supreme Court, and Just About Everywhere Else in Israel

Known for her advocacy on women’s rights, Linda Sarsour has become a major leader in the world of feminism, and not loving Jews as much as their mothers do. However, earlier this week, Ms. Sarsour announced her plan to convert to Judaism. Sarsour told The Mideast Beast that she started thinking about her decision during … Continue reading “Linda Sarsour to Convert to Judaism After Learning Women and Arabs Serve in Parliament, Supreme Court, and Just About Everywhere Else in Israel”

Trump to Annex Israel as 51st State

In a move the administration is calling “historic,” the Trump administration announced this morning that the United States of America intends on admitting the State of Israel into the Union by May of 2020 as the official the 51st State. “We already give them huge amounts of money each year” Trump said in a tweet … Continue reading “Trump to Annex Israel as 51st State”

ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine

Islamic State is “distraught” that none of their members were represented in the UK Vogue Magazine special edition, guest edited by the former American actress and current member of the British Royal Family, Meghan Markle. “We understand just how inspiring these pop culture magazines are, and with a guest celebrity editor like Meghan being involved, … Continue reading “ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine”

Women Thrilled to Learn Israel Only Violator of Women’s Rights

Calling it a miracle that all but one nation in the world now respects women’s rights, feminist organizations from across the globe are celebrating a recent UN resolution naming Israel as the world’s only women’s rights violator.  “For years, we witnessed brutal oppression of women in counties like Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, honor killings in Pakistan, and … Continue reading “Women Thrilled to Learn Israel Only Violator of Women’s Rights”

Saudi Arabia Bans Use of the Word “Sportsmanship” Due to Gender Bias

Crowning itself the most gender-friendly country in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia has announced its intentions to free the kingdom of gender inequality. After granting women the right to drive last year, the Kingdom is determined to become a more welcoming place for people of all genders.  Last week, King Salman announced his intentions to ban the … Continue reading “Saudi Arabia Bans Use of the Word “Sportsmanship” Due to Gender Bias”

Ayanna Pressley Booted from ‘The Squad’ Over Insufficient Anti-Semitism

Blasting their colleague for her lack of disdain for American Jews, three progressive congresswomen have kicked Democrat Ayanna Pressley out of their “squad.” “Frankly, when it comes to pushing bizarre conspiracy theories against the Jews or being indignantly dismissive of Jewish concerns, Pressley has not been pulling her weight,” Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar said in a … Continue reading “Ayanna Pressley Booted from ‘The Squad’ Over Insufficient Anti-Semitism”

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great … Continue reading “Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments”