North Korean Leader Says Nuclear Program Necessary Because Women Made Fun of His Height

In the most extensive comments on his nuclear ambitions to date, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un said he needs an extensive weapons program because women refuse to take him seriously on dating sites due to his height. In a heated exchange with US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Kim was told that is not … Continue reading “North Korean Leader Says Nuclear Program Necessary Because Women Made Fun of His Height”

ISIS Leader: ‘Nobody Knew Reestablishing the Caliphate Could Be So Complicated’

After years of promising to unite the Muslim world in an Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted this week that he had no idea how difficult establishing, maintaining and then pretty much losing a utopian civilization based on the model of Muhammed and his rightly-guided successors would be. “Now, … Continue reading “ISIS Leader: ‘Nobody Knew Reestablishing the Caliphate Could Be So Complicated’”

Saudi Royal Family Surprised by Lack of Ties to Jeffrey Epstein

A spokesman for Saudi Arabia has announced that King Salman is genuinely shocked by the lack of ties between the Saudi Royal family and disgraced billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. It has been reporting that the King is investigating those responsible. “He is linked to the most powerful people in the world,” said a Royal spokesman. “We … Continue reading “Saudi Royal Family Surprised by Lack of Ties to Jeffrey Epstein”

ISIS Leader Blasts Pelosi for Singling Out Terrorists of Color

Calling the top Democrat “really insensitive” for criticizing his Caliphate, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi blasted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi for singling out terrorists of color for denunciation. “I guess the Speaker isn’t so comfortable with someone with brown skin blowing up a mosque or having a few sex slaves,” al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. … Continue reading “ISIS Leader Blasts Pelosi for Singling Out Terrorists of Color”

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

JERUSALEM — Due to always-escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel, while some actually have nothing to do with the Jewish State at all. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ … Continue reading “Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts”

ISIS Abandons Qur’an For Being Too Peaceful, Adopts Gospel According To Wile E. Coyote

After constant accusations of not truly representing Islam, thus leading to the downfall of its faux Caliphate, the Islamic State has decided that the Qur’an will no longer be the guiding force to their movement. The militant radicals will instead follow the far more violent scripture of mid 20th century American cartoons. Following visits from … Continue reading “ISIS Abandons Qur’an For Being Too Peaceful, Adopts Gospel According To Wile E. Coyote”

Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg to Join ISIS

Saying he was furious over criticism that his site had contributed to the spread of fake news leading up to, and continuing after, the November 8, 2016 U.S. presidential election, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that he will be moving to Syria and joining ISIS. “The claim that Facebook is awash with false and misleading … Continue reading “Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg to Join ISIS”

Following Melania’s Successful Campaign Against Cyberbullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

Following Melania Trump’s promise to focus on preventing cyberbullying nearly three years ago, and her clear success at it thus far as First Lady of the United States, Eva Braun has announced plans to combat anti-Semitism both in Germany and throughout the world. “Our culture has become too mean and too rough, especially to Jewish people,” Braun, … Continue reading “Following Melania’s Successful Campaign Against Cyberbullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism”

Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling

HAIFA- Engineers at the Technion (Israel Institute of Technology), have announced their intention to solve one of the greatest hurdles to everyday travel by jetpack.  With the popularity of Iron Man and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, an increasing number of individuals and companies have attempted to build working jetpacks.  But regardless of their fuel efficiency, … Continue reading “Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling”

With Latest Corporate Merger, Israel Becomes Subsidiary of Evangelical Christian Right, Inc.

Since its founding in 1948, Israel has proudly declared itself the “Homeland of the Jewish People.” That title will now undergo some workshopping as a result of the merger announced yesterday. As part of the deal, Evangelical Christians will allow Israel to retain the famous “Jewish State” brand due to its commercial popularity, but all profit … Continue reading “With Latest Corporate Merger, Israel Becomes Subsidiary of Evangelical Christian Right, Inc.”

British Protests, Violence Mark 243 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans celebrate the 243rd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of … Continue reading “British Protests, Violence Mark 243 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies”

Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist

After dominating the sneaker business for decades, athletic apparel firm Nike announced that it will stop making footwear after spokesman and former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick insisted that shoes are a symbol of racism and slavery. Nike had just announced the launch of its latest basketball shoe, which it planned to sell for $199 a … Continue reading “Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist”

ISIS Presidential Frontrunner Criticized for Past Opposition to School Bus Bombing

The frontrunner in the ISIS presidential election has seen a dramatic drop in the polls after an opponent attacked his opposition decades ago to school bus bombings. Former Vice Caliph Yusef al-Bidani appeared stunned when his challenger, Kemal bin Harisi, brought up his criticism of bus bombing, which dates back to the 1970s. “Mr. al-Bidani … Continue reading “ISIS Presidential Frontrunner Criticized for Past Opposition to School Bus Bombing”

Jews, Nazis Agree: Trump’s Migrant Detention Centers Not Concentration Camps

NEW YORK – In a rare joint statement released today, groups of American Jews and Neo-Nazis declared in one voice, “the strongly held conviction that the detention facilities currently housing migrant children on the Southern border do not qualify as ‘concentration camps’ by any historical standard we recognize.”  Controversy surrounding the detention centers came to … Continue reading “Jews, Nazis Agree: Trump’s Migrant Detention Centers Not Concentration Camps”

Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages

A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased … Continue reading “Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages”

“When You Make Generalizations about Muslims, All 1.6 Billion Muslims Are Offended,” Says Apologist with Tenuous Grasp on Concept of Irony

The question of what constitutes an offensive remark about minority groups continues to plague us in somewhat the same way Miley Cyrus’ twerking most often results in involuntary vomiting.  Muslims are often cited as being among the most easily offended people, in what has become a close race with hipsters, old-timey Southern women who say, “well, … Continue reading ““When You Make Generalizations about Muslims, All 1.6 Billion Muslims Are Offended,” Says Apologist with Tenuous Grasp on Concept of Irony”

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, FLORIDA — Calling it a breeding ground for terrorism and a threat to national security, US President Donald Trump said shutting down the Morocco Pavilion in Disney World’s Epcot theme park is his next priority. “Why did President Obama let a country full of Muslim jihadis occupy American soil in Orlando?” Trump wrote in … Continue reading “Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion”

Al-Baghdadi Disappoints at First Caliphate Debate

ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s disappointing performance in the first Caliphate debate has opened the door for the other candidates in the 2020 Caliph race, as Baghdadi was hammered by his opponents for his soft stands on religious minorities, execution and women’s rights. Baghdadi, who entered the debate with a large lead in the polls … Continue reading “Al-Baghdadi Disappoints at First Caliphate Debate”

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise

Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 76 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just … Continue reading “Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise”

‘The Tel Avivian’ Outstrips ‘The Brazilian’ as World’s Favorite Bikini Wax Style

TEL AVIV – It’s summertime! The streets of Israel’s coastal metropolis were filled with boisterous revelers after the World Pubic Waxing Association announced that the city’s homegrown ‘Tel Avivian’ had officially surpassed the veteran ‘The Brazilian’ as the world’s most popular bikini wax style. ‘The Tel Avivian’ – with its iconic strip of interconnecting Star of … Continue reading “‘The Tel Avivian’ Outstrips ‘The Brazilian’ as World’s Favorite Bikini Wax Style”

Warren Promises Reparations for People Who Don’t Like Falafel

Noting that the rising popularity of the chickpea-based dish has placed a burden on Americans who do not have a taste for it, Massachusetts senator and Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren has come out for reparations for anyone who does not like falafel. Warren made the promise at Wednesday night’s Democratic debate, just days after … Continue reading “Warren Promises Reparations for People Who Don’t Like Falafel”

Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee

Rapper Drake and supermodel Gigi Hadid have been spotted at a Hollywood Starbucks discussing their views on the Israel-Palestine conflict. Drake, who is half Jewish, believes in Israel’s right to remain a Jewish state. Hadid, whose father is Palestinian, believes in an end to the occupation and a one-state solution. The two were spotted around … Continue reading “Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee”

Syria Renames Town ‘Khamenei Heights’ Just out of Spite

A spokesman for the Syrian government has announced that they will be renaming the town of Ruweihina in the Syrian Golan Heights ‘Khamenei Heights’. The decision comes after Israel named a new settlement in the area ‘Trump Heights’ to show gratitude to what the President of the United States has done for Israel such as … Continue reading “Syria Renames Town ‘Khamenei Heights’ Just out of Spite”

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

President Donald Trump lashed out at Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai, responding to criticism from the 18-year-old Pakistani by claiming that “a real hero would have never gotten shot in the first place.” “I mean, everyone goes on about how, ‘Oh, she’s soooo brave, and so courageous,’ just because she got shot in the face. I … Continue reading “Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’”

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

“I mean, just look around. Open your eyes people!” Steven Goldstein told The Mideast Beast (TMB). Goldstein, a self-proclaimed, tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist from south Florida, requested a meeting with TMB to discuss one of his newest theories. “They’re controlling everything. You think you’re a unique individual? Wrong. You’re just a cog in their world domination … Continue reading “Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks”

ISIS Leader Resigns Amid Allegations of Respecting Women

ISIS was dealt a crippling political blow on Tuesday when its senior leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, resigned amid numerous allegations of respectful treatment of women. One accuser even described him allowing a female hostage to drive a motor vehicle. Another claimed he was known to not only ask, but to wait for consent before engaging … Continue reading “ISIS Leader Resigns Amid Allegations of Respecting Women”

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

A group of white, middle-class Brooklynite liberals is trying to shut down all falafel shops in New York City, as “allowing Arab food to be sold outside of the Middle East is essentially cultural appropriation.” Inspired by a movement in Oregon, which is shaming ethnic-food establishments run by white people in the Portland area, the … Continue reading “Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’”

Donald Trump: Move the Palestinians to Puerto Rico

NEW YORK – Billionaire Republican presidential contender Donald Trump has unveiled a controversial peace proposal for the strife-torn holy land: give the U.S. island territory of Puerto Rico to the Palestinians as compensation for surrendering to Israel. According to the so-called “Trump Solution,” rolled out by the outspoken business magnate at a Manhattan press conference, the … Continue reading “Donald Trump: Move the Palestinians to Puerto Rico”

Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran

Apparently unaware that the drone destroyed by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards was unmanned, US President Donald Trump praised the “brave and patriotic pilot senselessly killed” and promised payback would be swift. Puzzlingly, Trump even said that he had spoken to the family of the pilot to offer his condolences. “They told me, Donald, you are … Continue reading “Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran”

AOC Calls Hilton Hotel a Concentration Camp After Room Service Arrives Late

In a scathing one-star TripAdvisor review, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called the Hilton Hotel in Washington D.C. “literally a concentration camp” after her room service order arrived nearly 15 minutes late. “Just like the knotsies (sic) starved the Jews in the Holocaust, the Hilton is refusing to bring me my breakfast omelette in a timely manner, … Continue reading “AOC Calls Hilton Hotel a Concentration Camp After Room Service Arrives Late”

Alabama Chemical Castration Law “Inspiring”, Say Middle Eastern Nations

In a ringing endorsement bound to get enlightened liberal nations profoundly optimistic about the trajectory of social policy in the United States, some of the Middle East’s most brutal regimes have praised Alabama’s chemical castration law as “inspiring”, saying that they “have every intention of emulating such a form of punishment as soon as possible.” … Continue reading “Alabama Chemical Castration Law “Inspiring”, Say Middle Eastern Nations”

Ocasio-Cortez Compares Basic Economics Textbook to Mein Kampf

Freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is once again under fire for minimizing the holocaust after she referred to the book “Basic Economics” as “pretty much the same thing as” Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler’s manifesto. Ocasio-Cortez has already faced criticism after comparing the use of tear gas to the Nazis’ use of cyanide gas and for likening migrant … Continue reading “Ocasio-Cortez Compares Basic Economics Textbook to Mein Kampf”

Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party

Following a fierce backlash against social media personality Kylie Jenner for her controversially themed Handmaid’s Tale party, an unsuspecting defender has come to her cause. Iran’s Supreme Leader has backed the party and its socialite host as “a rare example of a Western party which professes conservative Sharia values”. A spokesperson for the Islamic Republic’s … Continue reading “Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party”

Egypt Swears it Tortured Morsi No More than Usual

Rejecting any responsibility for the death of the deposed leader, Egypt’s government vowed that former president Mohammed Morsi was not tortured any more than every other political prisoner held in the country. “Mr. Morsi died of natural causes, and any suggestion that his death was caused by his treatment in prison is reckless and completely unfounded,” … Continue reading “Egypt Swears it Tortured Morsi No More than Usual”

Golan Heights Town Named After Trump Declares Bankruptcy

Just days after ground was broken in the new Golan Heights settlement, Trump Heights announced that it had no choice but to officially declare bankruptcy after billions of shekels of debt was discovered on its balance sheet. The move shocked auditors, who noted that the only construction to take place so far was a groundbreaking … Continue reading “Golan Heights Town Named After Trump Declares Bankruptcy”

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue … Continue reading “Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good””

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

The sinking of an ‘unsinkable ship’ always raises suspicion, and where there is suspicion, there is the ZIONIST PLOT. It permeates everything we do, only noticed by those who pay attention. The story of the Titanic is one of the best told and well known in the entire world. Despite being ‘unsinkable’, on April 14, … Continue reading “Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows”

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Considers New Job as Spokeswoman for Netanyahu Government

Outgoing White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders is considering a new podium from which to lie inform the public on matters of state. “I worked for liars, and I lied all of time to the press. It only seems logical to continue with my expertise and lie for another liar. After all, Netanyahu may be the … Continue reading “Sarah Huckabee Sanders Considers New Job as Spokeswoman for Netanyahu Government”

DJ Khaled Presents One-State Solution to Israel-Palestine Conflict: ‘WeTheBest-istan’

Speaking before a packed United Nations General Assembly, rapper-producer DJ Khaled has pitched a bold plan for resolving one of the world’s most intractable conflicts: the creation of a binational state in the Holy Land, with hip hop as its only religion. According to the Snapchat superpower’s peace proposal, Israel, the West Bank and Gaza Strip … Continue reading “DJ Khaled Presents One-State Solution to Israel-Palestine Conflict: ‘WeTheBest-istan’”

ISIS Leaders Reveal ‘Secrets’, Joining Trump in New Age of Transparency

Following the lead from the US President, terror cell leaders are striving to become much more open regarding their future plans. From their last holdouts across Syria, ISIS are leading the new wave of sharing. In an online video posted yesterday a spokesman for the group stood in front of a large white board clearly … Continue reading “ISIS Leaders Reveal ‘Secrets’, Joining Trump in New Age of Transparency”

ISIS Leaders Join Trump in New Age of Transparency

Following the lead from the US President, terror cell leaders are striving to become much more open regarding their future plans. From their last holdouts across Syria, ISIS are leading the new wave of sharing. In an online video posted yesterday a spokesman for the group stood in front of a large white board clearly … Continue reading “ISIS Leaders Join Trump in New Age of Transparency”

Al Qaeda Leader Jealous of De Blasio’s Unpopularity in New York

Lamenting that he is not nearly as hated despite helping orchestrate the September 11 attacks, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri is reportedly jealous of New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio’s deep unpopularity among New Yorkers. De Blasio, who has faced criticism for his decision to run for president, has a net negative approval rating … Continue reading “Al Qaeda Leader Jealous of De Blasio’s Unpopularity in New York”

Middle Eastern Leaders Praise ‘Ballsy’ Trump Move

A wide coalition of regional leaders, despots and dictators have come together to praise the American President for his latest bold play. “I don’t leave”, commented Egyptian hard man/beloved leader Abdel Fattah el-Sisi. “Nice, I like it. Fits on a poster. Easy to remember. Makes a good chant at the rallies. He’s really leading the … Continue reading “Middle Eastern Leaders Praise ‘Ballsy’ Trump Move”

Dyke March Bans Supporters with Large Noses

In an effort to create a safe space for Palestinians and anti-Zionists, organizers of the Dyke March announced that people with long or hook-shaped noses will be banned from next year’s event. The march courted controversy this year when it banned pride flags with the Star of David and other Jewish symbols in a move it … Continue reading “Dyke March Bans Supporters with Large Noses”

Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose

Calling it a momentous step towards recognition of the LGBTQ+ community, Saudi Arabia announced that all homosexuals executed during pride month would be hung from a rainbow noose or beheaded with a rainbow-colored ax. Though human rights activists said much further process remains necessary, the announcement marks a major step forward for gay equality in … Continue reading “Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose”

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

As Gay Pride marches take place around the globe, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast doubt over the veracity of the survey in light of … Continue reading “Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World”

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv, just as the city’s annual Gay Pride Week’s activities kicked off. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But … Continue reading “Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week”

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

According to the results of a study conducted by one prestigious American community college, over 87% of comments made on various internet forums about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict were written by people who had completed master’s degrees in the field of middle eastern studies, or in a comparable field. The study, which was carried out by … Continue reading “Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies”

Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute

In a rejection of more than two decades of Palestinian foreign policy, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said it might be time for the US and Mexico to give up on their attempt at a two-state solution. “Listen, we’ve tried having separate states on each side of the Rio Grande, and we ended up with one … Continue reading “Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute”

Mideast Partakes in Tiananmen Square Massacre Commemoration by Also Staying Silent About Their Human Rights Abuses

The dictatorships of the Middle East have decided to partake in the global commemoration of the Thirty-Year Anniversary of China’s Tiananmen Square Massacre by following China’s lead and staying conspicuously silent about their own human rights violations. The governments of numerous countries, from Turkey and Egypt to Syria and Iran, have joined with China to … Continue reading “Mideast Partakes in Tiananmen Square Massacre Commemoration by Also Staying Silent About Their Human Rights Abuses”