Possible Life on Venus Discovered, Condemned By Linda Sarsour for not Denouncing Trump, Israel.

Scientists have made a groundbreaking discovery earlier this month saying that there is the potential for possible life on Venus, a planet overlooked for being too hostile for organic matter. While the discovery has been greeted with some enthusiasm, some have said it’s concerning that there is life on other planets, and they haven’t said … Continue reading “Possible Life on Venus Discovered, Condemned By Linda Sarsour for not Denouncing Trump, Israel.”

Ben Rhodes Demands Bailout Funds for Discredited Middle East Experts

With Congress debating the next round of stimulus funding in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, a group of international affairs analysts led by former Obama advisor Ben Rhodes is demanding a federal bailout. The proposal would create a universal basic income, or UBI, for experts in the Middle East who are no longer employable in … Continue reading “Ben Rhodes Demands Bailout Funds for Discredited Middle East Experts”

Following Abraham Accords, UN Issues Resolution Condemning Peace

The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution Tuesday condemning the concept of peace after leaders from the US, Israel, the UAE and Bahrain signed the Abraham Accords normalizing relations between Israel and the Arab Gulf countries. The resolution, which passed 157 to 7 with 15 abstentions, called peace a “crime against humanity and a … Continue reading “Following Abraham Accords, UN Issues Resolution Condemning Peace”

SFSU on Decision to Invite Leila Khaled to Speak; None of the 9/11 Hijackers Were Available

San Francisco State University (SFSU) President Lynn Mahoney is under fire after defending the university’s decision to invite Palestinian terrorist Leila Khaled to take part in a university event via Zoom later this month. In an email she explained that “an invitation to a public figure to speak to a class should not be construed … Continue reading “SFSU on Decision to Invite Leila Khaled to Speak; None of the 9/11 Hijackers Were Available”

Israel Reaches Peace Agreement with ‘The Halal Guys’

Israel has taken another step towards acceptance in the Arab World, agreeing to sign a landmark normalization agreement with New York-based fast-casual Middle Eastern chain “The Halal Guys.” The deal was announced just days after the country, long an outcast in the Muslim world, was officially recognized by Bahrain. Israeli Prime Minister is set arrive … Continue reading “Israel Reaches Peace Agreement with ‘The Halal Guys’”

9/11 Attacks Were Failed Gender Reveal, al Qaeda Admits

Al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001 were not intended as an act of terrorism but were in fact a failed attempt at a dramatic gender reveal, senior leaders of the terror group acknowledged. The now-waterlogged al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was looking to announce the … Continue reading “9/11 Attacks Were Failed Gender Reveal, al Qaeda Admits”

Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys

Democratic congresswomen Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib have begrudgingly come out in support of the far-right anti-government “Boogaloo Boys” movement after members of the group were arrested for providing material support for Hamas. Omar and Tlaib, sporting Hawaiian shirts and camouflage pants, announced their backing of the group in a press conference Tuesday. “We aren’t … Continue reading “Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys”

Trump Offers to Rebuild Beirut’s Port as a Casino

After over a month of silence from the White House around the tragic explosion in Beirut, the President finally spoke up about his generous plans to help the city rebuild, announcing that what the city really needs, in what used to be its port, is a giant casino. Sources close to the President reported that … Continue reading “Trump Offers to Rebuild Beirut’s Port as a Casino”

Assad Considering a Return to Ophthalmology

After a week of introspection, Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad has announced that despite the genuine criminal effort he put into clinging to power, he’s experiencing career burnout and will be returning to his ophthalmic practice in London by the end of this year. During the press conference the dictator stated that although he loves his … Continue reading “Assad Considering a Return to Ophthalmology”

Trump Doubles Down, Calls All Iraq War Veterans ‘Pussies’

*Reposted as a timely #ThrowBack article (originally posted in 2016)*   Washington, D.C. — He says he would have prevented the 9/11 attacks, he’s criticized Senator John McCain for being captured during the Vietnam War, and presidential republican nominee Donald Trump shows no signs of backing down, as Trump yesterday blasted all Iraq war veterans … Continue reading “Trump Doubles Down, Calls All Iraq War Veterans ‘Pussies’”

Portland to Set Controlled Burns of Homes, Businesses to Stop Antifa

Looking to limit devastation caused by Antifa and other vandals and arsonists, Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler announced that the city will resume controlled burns of properties in the downtown business district. Since the beginning of riot season, the abundance of flammable material such as cars, homes, and shops has contributed to out-of-control arson and vandalism … Continue reading “Portland to Set Controlled Burns of Homes, Businesses to Stop Antifa”

ISIS Storms US Restaurants Demanding Diners Say “Death to America”

Though ISIS has never been linked to a violent attack in the United States, “mostly peaceful” ISIS affiliates have begun demonstrating in cities across the US, including Seattle and Portland, where law enforcement officials have agreed to stand down.  Their demands are clear and their strategy effective.  Masked protestors dressed in black have been rushing … Continue reading “ISIS Storms US Restaurants Demanding Diners Say “Death to America””

Washington DC Committee Recommends Renaming Capital ‘Arafat DC’

Noting that the nation’s first president was extremely problematic, a committee has recommended removing George Washington’s name from the nation’s capital and renaming the city after someone less controversial like former PLO leader Yasser Arafat. The committee, formed by DC Mayor Muriel E. Bowser to examine problematic statues and monuments, noted that Washington was a … Continue reading “Washington DC Committee Recommends Renaming Capital ‘Arafat DC’”

Trump’s anti-Semitic Comments in Fox News Interview Wins Crufts Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle”

Trump went on Fox News this week to say that dark shadowy people are controlling Joe Biden and the election, which not only solidified his voting base of elderly Germans hiding out in Argentina, but also awarded him the Crufts International Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle.” Although this award usually goes to physical whistles … Continue reading “Trump’s anti-Semitic Comments in Fox News Interview Wins Crufts Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle””

Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons

In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a scare tactic. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very … Continue reading “Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons”

ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future

Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing for all jihadis by September in order to bring terror to people face-to-face again, the organization has had to halt their … Continue reading “ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future”

ISIS to Continue with Remote Terror for Foreseeable Future

Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing set up by September, the failures of large institutions such as the University of North Carolina and Notre Dame at containing … Continue reading “ISIS to Continue with Remote Terror for Foreseeable Future”

UN Votes to Extend Lebanon Peacekeeping Force: “You Can’t Spell ‘Fail’ Without UNIFIL”

The United Nations voted this week to extend the mandate of its peacekeeping force in Lebanon. There was some concern for the fate of UNIFIL, and that the failure to carry out its mission would reflect poorly on the force but UN Security Council representatives said that that has never been a consideration for Middle East … Continue reading “UN Votes to Extend Lebanon Peacekeeping Force: “You Can’t Spell ‘Fail’ Without UNIFIL””

Jared Kushner Awarded Booster Seat at the Grown-up Table for Role in Peace Negotiations

The historic peace agreement between Israel and the United Arab Emirates has been hailed as a victory for Israelis, Benjamin Netanyahu, and even Jared Kushner, who was granted a booster seat at the adult table for his adorable participation in the negotiations.  Sources have even confirmed that the Prime Minister was seen giving the thirty-nine-year-old … Continue reading “Jared Kushner Awarded Booster Seat at the Grown-up Table for Role in Peace Negotiations”

Republican National Convention to Be Hosted in Judea and Samaria

This week as Mike Pompeo announced that he would be tuning into the Republican National Convention (RNC) from Jerusalem to win over the Evangelical Messianic Jewish vote, some said he was not taking Jared’s peace “plan” seriously enough, so the party decided instead to double down and host the entire event in, what they’re calling, … Continue reading “Republican National Convention to Be Hosted in Judea and Samaria”

UN Peacekeeping Force in Lebanon Concerned that Violence Reflects Poorly on Them

The United Nations peacekeeping mission in Lebanon, also known as UNIFIL, is set to have its mandate renewed at the end of August. They are concerned, however, that the collapse of Lebanon over the last decade and the violence that Hezbollah has inflicted on the country, could reflect poorly on their ability to carry out … Continue reading “UN Peacekeeping Force in Lebanon Concerned that Violence Reflects Poorly on Them”

North Korea Orders Roundup of all Pet Dogs; Blames Israel Just Because

North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, ordered this week that all pet dogs be confiscated from citizens, claiming the dogs were a symbol of “Western decadence”. Some are concerned though, that in the starving hermit kingdom, the pets might also represent “a decent lunch”. North Korea insists that this is not the case, and blamed … Continue reading “North Korea Orders Roundup of all Pet Dogs; Blames Israel Just Because”

Boycotters: The Anti-Defamation League’s ‘Anti-Semitism Workshop’ Wasn’t What I Expected

This week far-left groups across the United States called for a boycott against the Anti-Defamation League (ADL) because they were shocked to find out that when the ADL suggested students go to anti-Semitism workshops after screaming at Israeli speakers, the workshops are actually about how to not be anti-Semitic. “I’m a bit overwhelmed with emotions … Continue reading “Boycotters: The Anti-Defamation League’s ‘Anti-Semitism Workshop’ Wasn’t What I Expected”

Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven

According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious. Despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and … Continue reading “Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven”

Student Says “the ADL Hit Me With a Car”

This week as Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) chapters and other far-left organisations across the United States launched a boycott against the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), the students insisted that they’re not boycotting a watchdog for anti-Semitism because they’re anti-Semitic, but rather, because the ADL hit them with a car. “I would never boycott an … Continue reading “Student Says “the ADL Hit Me With a Car””

Palestinians Won’t Take Part in UAE World Fair; World Devastated

Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Mohammad Shtayyeh announced Monday that the Palestinians will boycott next year’s Expo (world fair) in Dubai following the UAE’s opening of diplomatic relations with Israel. In the statement he said, “Palestinians have much to offer the world, more than the Israelis and the US, and the world will have to reckon … Continue reading “Palestinians Won’t Take Part in UAE World Fair; World Devastated”

Laura Loomer Calls for Falafel Ban

Republican Congressional candidate Laura Loomer has called for a nationwide ban on falafel, calling the chickpea-based dish a “Muslim terrorist jihad food.” “Why are we letting these Sharia-loving terrorist Muslims not only into our country but INTO OUR STOMACHS?!?!?” Loomer asked in a tweet following her victory in an August 18 primary for a south … Continue reading “Laura Loomer Calls for Falafel Ban”

‘Real News’ Agencies Slam Satire News Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy

News agencies around the world are fuming at the existence of satirical news sites, claiming they are doing grave damage to people’s knowledge of the facts. Yet, news agencies that people rely on for information regarding global events, such as Fox News and CNN (among a slew of others), have a disturbingly high percentage of incorrect … Continue reading “‘Real News’ Agencies Slam Satire News Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy”

Republicans to Give AOC Three-Hour Convention Slot

Calling it a travesty that the 30-year-old Congresswoman was given just one minute to speak at the Democratic convention, Republican National Committee Chair Ronna McDaniel has offered Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a three-hour slot at the upcoming GOP convention. McDaniel said that it is “crucially important” for voters to hear Ocasio-Cortez’s political positions and worldview given … Continue reading “Republicans to Give AOC Three-Hour Convention Slot”

Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home

Following in the footsteps of boutique gyms like Barry’s Bootcamp and SoulCycle who are charging upwards of $30 for daily at-home workouts, Hamas has created its own series of Zoom classes for followers who want to exercise hate from the comfort of their living rooms. Although nothing can truly compare to the in-person experience of … Continue reading “Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home”

“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19

The United Nations today announced that, due to an abundance of hardships being placed on nations and the international community as a whole, they had no choice but to suspend “Never Again” until further notice. The prevention of genocide joins the growing list of compromises that the international community has had to deal with in … Continue reading ““Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19”

Assad: I Could Have Just Dismantled the Post Office?

Looking over the ruins of what was once Syria, Assad expressed dismay this week as he realized that he could have held onto despotic power by simply dismantling the post office. Although the murderous dictator would never openly admit fault, sources close to the former ophthalmologist say that he feels like “a bit of an … Continue reading “Assad: I Could Have Just Dismantled the Post Office?”

Once Again Jared Kushner Explains to Trump Why Campaigning in Israel Is a Bad Idea

Jared Kushner, the President’s son-in-law and stock image model for future AI robots, reportedly spent the better part of the fifth afternoon in several weeks to explain to the President of the United States why campaigning in Israel was not a good idea, mainly because Israel has no electoral votes, and is a separate country. … Continue reading “Once Again Jared Kushner Explains to Trump Why Campaigning in Israel Is a Bad Idea”

Progressives: Peace Deal Between Israel and UAE Terrible for Middle East Peace

Once upon a time, prior to the advent of Twitter, any relationship between an Arab country and Israel would be cause for celebration, yet given the current climate in the Middle East, some are unsure of the normalizing of relations between Israel and the United Arab Emirates (UAE). While the historic deal between Israel and … Continue reading “Progressives: Peace Deal Between Israel and UAE Terrible for Middle East Peace”

Muslim Brotherhood Discourages Premarital Sex With Recording of Ben Shapiro Reading WAP Lyrics

The Muslim Brotherhood were terrified this week when their fears of Western media promoting female sexual autonomy coincided with WAP, the catchiest song in a decade released by known infidels Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion. Although The Brotherhood worried that WAP’s unbelievably entertaining bass sample of “There’s some hoes in this house” would undo … Continue reading “Muslim Brotherhood Discourages Premarital Sex With Recording of Ben Shapiro Reading WAP Lyrics”

Ilhan Omar Relieved to Learn that Jews Only Control 40% of Minds

After claiming victory in a competitive primary with 57% of the vote, Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar said she is happy to learn that Jews’ mind control is only effective on roughly 40% of voters. “I knew that everyone in my district loves me and wanted to vote for me, but I was really worried that … Continue reading “Ilhan Omar Relieved to Learn that Jews Only Control 40% of Minds”

Americans Jealous of Lebanon After Entire Government Resigns

For the first time since the fall of the Ottoman Empire, a majority of Americans now say that they are jealous of Lebanon’s citizens after the country’s government resigned this week. Those interviewed told pollsters they did not even know that getting rid of one’s entire government was an option, and that they now spend … Continue reading “Americans Jealous of Lebanon After Entire Government Resigns”

Iran Pledges to Help Lebanon in Any Way Except the One That the Lebanese Are Asking For

Following the blast that leveled a good chunk of Beirut, the Iranian regime joined the international chorus of pledges of aid. The Iranian Ambassador to Lebanon said that the Islamic Republic was willing to render any assistance necessary; when a Lebanese journalist asked if that included ceasing to use Lebanon as a staging area to … Continue reading “Iran Pledges to Help Lebanon in Any Way Except the One That the Lebanese Are Asking For”

Trump: Was Lebanon Even in Miss Universe?

As countries around the world continue to mourn for Lebanon following two devastating explosions on 4 August, and as they continue to do what all countries should do which is donate, Trump remained steadfast in his convictions to never help others especially if their Miss Universe contestant was forgettable. While other countries were quick to … Continue reading “Trump: Was Lebanon Even in Miss Universe?”

After Learning of Concentration Camps, Trump Accuses China of Sending Uyghur Refugees with PPE

Though they have been in operation for several years, many in the Western world have only recently learned of the large-scale concentration camps in China, in which millions of Uyghur Muslims are currently detained.  There have been accusations of forced labor and even executions. President Trump, upon learning of the camps this week, hopped on … Continue reading “After Learning of Concentration Camps, Trump Accuses China of Sending Uyghur Refugees with PPE”

Trump Promises Palestinians a State if they Attend his Inauguration

Criticizing the Palestinian people for their failure to attend his first swearing in, US President Donald Trump promised to create a Palestinian state during his second term if they attend his next inauguration. His statement came during an interview with Jonathan Swan, a reporter for Axios, following a question on his approach to negotiating peace … Continue reading “Trump Promises Palestinians a State if they Attend his Inauguration”

Hezbollah Mourns Tragic Loss of Explosive Material

Vowing to rebuild what the country had lost, Hezbollah Secretary General Hassan Nasrallah delivered a heartfelt speech Thursday marking the tragic loss of thousands of tons of explosive material during the August 4 explosion at the Port of Beirut. “Believe me when I say that nobody feels this tragedy more than me and my fellow … Continue reading “Hezbollah Mourns Tragic Loss of Explosive Material”

House Dems Force AG Barr to Swear on Copy of “White Fragility”

While swearing in before a testimony has traditionally been done on a copy of the Old or New Testament in the United States, there is no law that requires it. Last week, during the House Judiciary Committee hearing, Democrats insisted Attorney General William Barr swear in on a copy of Robin DiAngelo’s bestselling self-help book, … Continue reading “House Dems Force AG Barr to Swear on Copy of “White Fragility””

BDS Boycotts Yosemite Sam

After years of pretending that his name was pronounced “Yo-sem-i-tee”, Yosemite Sam was finally exposed to the public by real-life cartoon villain President Trump for actually being a “yo-semite”. In swift retaliation against Mr Sam’s “sneaky” practices, the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions (BDS) movement called for a boycott against Yosemite Sam, and all other Looney Tunes … Continue reading “BDS Boycotts Yosemite Sam”

Assad Names Ellen DeGeneres Interior Minister

Looking to crush the last bit of resistance to his continued rule, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad has brought on talk show host Ellen DeGeneres as interior minister to keep the country’s Sunni majority in line. Assad made the appointment after reading about the strong hand DeGeneres took towards staff on her TV show. “I need … Continue reading “Assad Names Ellen DeGeneres Interior Minister”

Israel Cracks Down on Marijuana to Get Back at Seth Rogen

In response to criticism by Jewish-Canadian actor Seth Rogen, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that anti-marijuana laws will be enforced more strictly with harsher prison sentences. New prison sentences for marijuana possession will vary from a minimum of one month to a maximum of however long ‘Green Hornet’ feels like. The move was described … Continue reading “Israel Cracks Down on Marijuana to Get Back at Seth Rogen”

Trump Asks Iran to Dispose of Its Nuclear Stockpile by Dumping It on Portland

US President Donald Trump has requested that the Iranian government dumps their enriched uranium stockpile on Portland. The move comes after weeks of unrest led to federal law enforcement agents storming the Pacific Northwest city. “I found a solution. A great solution. The best solution,” said Trump in a 6,000-person rally which included 5,950 people … Continue reading “Trump Asks Iran to Dispose of Its Nuclear Stockpile by Dumping It on Portland”

Seth Rogen Study shows Weed Damages Capacity for Generational Preservation

In shocking news, it’s been uncovered this week that in order to study Cannabis legalisation the FDA launched a program closely monitoring the mental faculties of one particularly voracious user: Seth Rogen. The program was top secret, but after Rogen spoke out against the need for a Jewish homeland the FDA felt compelled to disclose … Continue reading “Seth Rogen Study shows Weed Damages Capacity for Generational Preservation”

Seth Rogen, Ahmadinejad to Costar in Stoner Terrorist Comedy

Actor and comedian Seth Rogen will team up with former Iranian President and die-hard Tupac fan Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a comedy about the duo’s marijuana-filled attempt to launch a terrorist attack on Israel, Point Grey Pictures announced. Ahmadinejad will play himself in the film, as he looks to cap off his career of public service … Continue reading “Seth Rogen, Ahmadinejad to Costar in Stoner Terrorist Comedy”

SJP Instagram Account Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

People around the world found reason to rejoice this week after discovering that the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict has finally been solved. In what’s being labelled, “a like react for world peace” the decades long struggle for regional calm was finally resolved once and for all by a collegiate Students for Justice in Palestine Instagram post. The … Continue reading “SJP Instagram Account Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict”