Q Oversleeps on Inauguration Day, Forgets to Break Up Satanist Pedophile Ring

The high-ranking military officer known as “Q” now says he will try to break up the criminal child-eating global sex-trafficking ring controlling Washington DC in Trump’s second term, after he slept through his alarm Wednesday and was unable launch a climactic war against the cabal before Joe Biden took office. Q has long promised a … Continue reading “Q Oversleeps on Inauguration Day, Forgets to Break Up Satanist Pedophile Ring”

Jussie Smollett Attacked by Biden Supporters

Actor Jussie Smollett has once again been attacked, this time by angry supporters of newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden. Smollett said he was walking back to his hotel in Oklahoma City Wednesday afternoon when a group of men in pink pussy hats approached him. Shouting, “This is Biden country,” the men spilled their soy chai lattes … Continue reading “Jussie Smollett Attacked by Biden Supporters”

ISIS Depressed No One Blaming Them for Capitol Attack

With partisans in the US arguing over whether Antifa or supporters of President Trump are to blame for the storming of the US Capitol, leaders of the Islamic State terror group are reportedly downcast that no one has even thought to accuse them of leading the attack. “Five years ago, if someone lit a firecracker … Continue reading “ISIS Depressed No One Blaming Them for Capitol Attack”

In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners

In a move aimed at softening its public image and attracting Western tourists and investment, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will now allow female citizens to work in the flourishing torture and execution industry. “For too many years, respectable jobs beheading criminals, drug users, activists, journalists and homosexuals have been the domain of men and … Continue reading “In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners”

Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides

Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi told The Mideast … Continue reading “Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides”

Omar, Tlaib Support Capitol Riots After Learning They’re Like Kristallnacht

While last week’s attack on the US Capitol has drawn widespread bipartisan condemnation, two prominent Democrats now say they support the riots after hearing that they are similar to Kristallnacht, a 1938 pogrom against Jews in Nazi Germany. Rep. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib, both members of a far-Left democratic faction known as The Squad, … Continue reading “Omar, Tlaib Support Capitol Riots After Learning They’re Like Kristallnacht”

UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus

With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. … Continue reading “UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus”

Twitter CEO Glad Trump is Only Leader that Incites Violence

After permanently banning President Donald Trump from his platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey says he is greatly relieved that the problem of world leaders inciting violence on his platform has been permanently solved. “Removing a world leader for using his account to promote violent acts is a dramatic step,” Dorsey acknowledged. “Banning Trump could have … Continue reading “Twitter CEO Glad Trump is Only Leader that Incites Violence”

Twitter CEO Glad Trump is Only Leader that Incites Violence

After permanently banning President Donald Trump from his platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey says he is greatly relieved that the problem of world leaders inciting violence on his platform has been permanently solved. “Removing a world leader for using his account to promote violent acts is a dramatic step,” Dorsey acknowledged. “Banning Trump could have … Continue reading “Twitter CEO Glad Trump is Only Leader that Incites Violence”

Netanyahu Calls to Congratulate Shirtless Viking President

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called to congratulate the shirtless Viking who stormed the US Capitol and made it to Vice President Mike Pence’s chair, promising to work with the Viking to strengthen the US-Israel relationship. “Mr. Shirtless Viking, I congratulate you on behalf of the people of Israel on your rise to the … Continue reading “Netanyahu Calls to Congratulate Shirtless Viking President”

Al Qaeda Leader Pissed He Didn’t Think of Just Storming the Capitol

With pro-Trump protestors storming the US Capitol in Washington DC and temporarily holding senators and congresspeople hostage, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri is reportedly furious that he didn’t think of just breaking into the Capitol and taking over the US government. “I never knew you could just get a group of guys and just walk … Continue reading “Al Qaeda Leader Pissed He Didn’t Think of Just Storming the Capitol”

Trump Calls President of Republic of Georgia, Demands He Overturn Election Results

In a desperate call to Tbilisi Monday evening, US President Donald Trump asked Georgian President Salome Zurabishvili to help find nearly 12,000 votes and swing the presidential election. Trump, who narrowly lost the US state of Georgia to President-elect Joe, reportedly told aids to “get the King of Georgia” on the phone after his efforts … Continue reading “Trump Calls President of Republic of Georgia, Demands He Overturn Election Results”

It’s Finally Safe to Eat Bats Again, WHO Says

With the first of the coronavirus vaccines being administered worldwide, the World Health Organization (WHO) now says it is safe for the public to once again eat bats in moderation. “The past year was a difficult year for citizens across the globe, as the coronavirus pandemic forced people to entirely cut bats and pangolins out … Continue reading “It’s Finally Safe to Eat Bats Again, WHO Says”

Alec Baldwin’s Wife Habeeba Opens Up About Arab Heritage

Habeeba Baldwin, the wife of actor Alec Baldwin, has recently opened up about her Arab heritage and the difficulties adjusting to life in the West. Habeeba, who told The Mideast Beast that she misses her home country of Agrabah every day, says she frequently struggles both with the English language and with American norms. “Yesterday … Continue reading “Alec Baldwin’s Wife Habeeba Opens Up About Arab Heritage”

Fascism Finally Defeated After 9,328th Business Vandalized in Portland

Humanity’s century-long battle with fascism is finally over, after rioters in Portland, Oregon destroyed Starbucks Coffee on 3rd Avenue, a key Nazi stronghold, late Thursday night. The rioters’ seven-month siege of the city, which has focused on smashing the windows of businesses, throwing Molotov cocktails at police officers, and dumping paint on elderly women, proved … Continue reading “Fascism Finally Defeated After 9,328th Business Vandalized in Portland”

Trump Lawyer Calls for Iraq to Invade US, Liberate Country from American Electorate

Claiming that the Iraqi people “really owe us one after the whole WMD thing,” pro-Trump lawyer Lin Wood is calling for the Iraqi Armed Forces to invade the US and install Trump as president for life. “Americans sacrificed their lives to end the tyranny of Saddam Hussein and bring freedom and prosperity to Iraq,” Wood … Continue reading “Trump Lawyer Calls for Iraq to Invade US, Liberate Country from American Electorate”

Gay Vandals Give Dome of the Rock ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve

JERUSALEM – Not long after painting Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Giza pink, the Homorabian Liberation Front has struck again, coating the dome of Islam’s third holiest site in the colors of the rainbow. In a daring New Year’s Eve mission, activists from the Arab LGBT group snuck onto Jerusalem’s Temple Mount and scaled the Dome … Continue reading “Gay Vandals Give Dome of the Rock ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve”

God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2021st Time

After another year of war between Middle East countries and factions, and a global pandemic, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2020 didn’t go as planned. But new year, new me! In 2021 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars. No promises on Covid. ur fault … Continue reading “God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2021st Time”

US to Sell UAE Massive Twisted Tea Shipment in Weapons Deal

In an arms deal that could change the balance of power in the region, the United Arab Emirates has agreed to buy 100 million Twisted Tea cans from the US. The UAE, which was previously looking to purchase 50 advanced stealth F-35 jets, decided to instead invest its defense budget in the alcoholic beverage after … Continue reading “US to Sell UAE Massive Twisted Tea Shipment in Weapons Deal”

Trevor Lawrence Joins ISIS to Avoid Playing for Jacksonville

With the Jacksonville Jaguars clinching the top pick in next year’s NFL draft, Clemson quarterback and top prospect Trevor Lawrence announced that he will move to Syria and join the Islamic State to avoid playing for the Jaguars. Lawrence, widely considered the best quarterback prospect in a generation, acknowledged that he was not looking forward … Continue reading “Trevor Lawrence Joins ISIS to Avoid Playing for Jacksonville”

Iran Releases ‘A Christmas Story’ Remake in Which Little Ali Asks Santa for a Nuke

Looking to tap into Americans’ nostalgia for Christmas movies, the Islamic Republic of Iran has released a modern remake of the holiday classic ‘A Christmas Story.’ But instead of nine-year-old Ralphie Parker, the main character of the remake is 81-year-old Persian boy Ali Khamenei. And rather than asking Santa for a BB gun, Little Ali … Continue reading “Iran Releases ‘A Christmas Story’ Remake in Which Little Ali Asks Santa for a Nuke”

Trump Demands to see Jesus’ Birth Certificate

As Christians around the world celebrated the miraculous birth of the Messiah, one brave outlier remained skeptical of his origin story. Although Trump insists that the Bible is his favorite book, he refused to cow to Big Church’s insistence tweeting, “No, Jesus wasn’t born in a stable in Jewdea (sic), I demand to see his … Continue reading “Trump Demands to see Jesus’ Birth Certificate”

Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children

Santa Claus will be switching to natural gas to put in naughty children’s stockings this Christmas, as the low cost of the gas due to fracking has made coal economically inviable. “While coal has been my preference for punishing bad children for two millennia, I cannot ignore how economic trends impact our bottom line,” Claus … Continue reading “Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children”

Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria

According to the Russian Interfax news service, just in time for the holidays, Russia is planning to deploy an additional S-300 ‘Santa Tracking’ surface to air missile system to Syria. The weapon will be capable of tracking Santa Claus across Syrian airspace. The Russian Ministry of Defense (MoD) insists that the system is nothing for … Continue reading “Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria”

ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

Santa Claus is being held by ISIS fighters in Syria, as the Islamic State is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS fighter in a video delivered to Al … Continue reading “ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’”

Jill Biden Launches ‘Doctorates without Borders’

Looking to bring rigorous scholarship and impressive credentials to the most remote and poverty-stricken corners of the globe, incoming First Lady Dr. Jill Biden announced she will launch a new non-governmental organization called ‘Doctorates without Borders.’ Biden will lead holders of PhDs and other post-graduate degrees to war zones and third-world countries to deliver life-saving … Continue reading “Jill Biden Launches ‘Doctorates without Borders’”

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching yet again another boiling point over the past year – as if 2020 hasn’t been enough of a fail of a year – God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to … Continue reading “God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount”

To Bolster Confidence, Assad Gives COVID Vaccine to Sunni Kids on Live Television

Looking to emulate US Vice President Mike Pence and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad agreed to go on live television and give the COVID-19 vaccine to Sunni children captured from rebel-held villages. “A lot of Syrians are afraid that the vaccine is not safe, or that it is a government plot … Continue reading “To Bolster Confidence, Assad Gives COVID Vaccine to Sunni Kids on Live Television”

ISIS Announces 2021 Re-Branding: Islamic Safe Space; Berkeley Pledges Allegiance

ISIS has announced that, as part of its upcoming 2021 rebranding program, it will no longer be known as ‘Islamic State’ but would rather be known as ‘Islamic Safe Space in Iraq and Syria’. The move is seen as an attempt to appeal more towards the younger generation and socially conscious millennials who have made … Continue reading “ISIS Announces 2021 Re-Branding: Islamic Safe Space; Berkeley Pledges Allegiance”

San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’

San Francisco will remove the name of Jesus Christ from all churches and public buildings after a renaming committee found that the Messiah “did now show sufficient commitment to raising the dead, healing the blind or cleansing lepers.” Jeremiah Jeffries, the chairman of the renaming committee, also criticized Christ for only allowing a handful of … Continue reading “San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’”

San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’

San Francisco will remove the name of Jesus Christ from all churches and public buildings after a renaming committee found that the Messiah “did now show sufficient commitment to raising the dead, healing the blind or cleansing lepers.” Jeremiah Jeffries, the chairman of the renaming committee, also criticized Christ for only allowing a handful of … Continue reading “San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’”

Kushner Kept on as Senior Advisor After Marrying Hunter Biden

In an unexpected move, President-elect Joe Biden announced he will keep Jared Kushner on as a senior adviser after Kushner married Biden’s son Hunter. Kushner, who was previously married to President Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka, revealed late Tuesday that he and Hunter had jetted off to a private island to tie the knot. “Listen, this … Continue reading “Kushner Kept on as Senior Advisor After Marrying Hunter Biden”

Swalwell Excited to Bring New Girlfriend Barbara Assad Home for Holidays

Desperately in need of a vacation, Rep. Eric Swalwell is reportedly both nervous and excited to introduce his new girlfriend, Barbara Assad, to his family this Christmas. Swalwell, who recently came under scrutiny for his close relationship with an alleged Chinese spy, said he started dating Ms. Assad after meeting her at various political functions. … Continue reading “Swalwell Excited to Bring New Girlfriend Barbara Assad Home for Holidays”

Trump Appeals Election Case to Sharia Court

With the Supreme Court unanimously rejecting his bid to overturn the election, President Donald Trump announced on Twitter that he will appeal the decision to the Sharia Court established during the Obama administration. “The Supreme Court is in on the voter fraud and wants to hand the presidency to sleepy Joe Biden!” Trump tweeted. “Thank … Continue reading “Trump Appeals Election Case to Sharia Court”

Following SCOTUS Decision, Yemen tells Trump: ‘Now You Know What Bombing Feels Like’

SUPREME COURT, USA and SANA’A, YEMEN — For years Yemen has been experiencing the (currently) worst humanitarian crisis of the 21st century, a country throat punched by war, famine, and pestilence, and much like Ivanka trying to mingle, they too are consistently ignored by global leaders. However, Yemeni diplomats felt a flicker of hope yesterday … Continue reading “Following SCOTUS Decision, Yemen tells Trump: ‘Now You Know What Bombing Feels Like’”

Biden Launches OnlyFans Account to Pay Off National Debt

Looking for new sources of revenue to counteract trillions in Covid-related stimulus spending, President-elect Joe Biden has joined OnlyFans and plans to offer followers exclusive access to risqué content for $50 a month. Biden said he first learned about the site from former congressman Anthony Weiner, who reached out to Biden asking to borrow $120 … Continue reading “Biden Launches OnlyFans Account to Pay Off National Debt”

Al Qaeda Apologizes for Making Rudy Giuliani Famous

Acknowledging some responsibility for former New York City mayor and Donald Trump’s personal attorney, the terrorist group al Qaeda formally apologized for the role it played in bringing Rudy Giuliani to national prominence. The apology comes as Giuliani, who was named Time’s Person of the Year in 2001 for his response to the September 11 … Continue reading “Al Qaeda Apologizes for Making Rudy Giuliani Famous”

Ahmadinejad Hangs Self After Realizing He’s Attracted to Elliot Page

Former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was found dead in his Tehran home Saturday, taking his own life after discovering that he is sexually attracted to actor Elliot Page. Ahmadinejad reportedly discovered his attraction to the actor, who is formerly known as Ellen and recently came out as transgender, while watching the 2007 Oscar-winning film Juno. … Continue reading “Ahmadinejad Hangs Self After Realizing He’s Attracted to Elliot Page”

To Dispel Death Rumors, al Qaeda Publishes Leader’s Statement on Tiger King

Looking to disprove reports that its leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has died, al Qaeda has released a video of Zawahiri discussing current events including the hit Netflix show “Tiger King.” “The evil of America is once again on display. Poor Yusuf al-Exotic is rotting in prison, while that husband-murdering infidel Carole Baskin is walking free,” Zawahiri … Continue reading “To Dispel Death Rumors, al Qaeda Publishes Leader’s Statement on Tiger King”

Penguin Random House Staffers Beg Khamenei to Issue Fatwa Against Jordan Peterson Book

Desperate to halt the publication of a new book by Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson, staff at Penguin Random House have called on Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei to issue a fatwa declaring the book blasphemous. The employees made their request in an anonymous letter to the Ayatollah, suggesting that he also offer a bounty for … Continue reading “Penguin Random House Staffers Beg Khamenei to Issue Fatwa Against Jordan Peterson Book”

Israel Suspected Behind Death of Top Iranian Nunchuck Specialist

In another blow to Iran’s weapons programs, the country’s leading designer of nunchucks has been assassinated, with Israel suspected of carrying out the operation. Basir Latifi, the mastermind behind Iran’s advanced nunchuck program, was gunned down while exiting his car in downtown Tehran. Though no group or country has officially taken responsibility, the gunmen were … Continue reading “Israel Suspected Behind Death of Top Iranian Nunchuck Specialist”

Iranian Nuclear Scientist Assassinated for Having 11 Dinner Guests

New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo has claimed responsibility for the assassination of top Iranian nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, telling reporters he had no choice but to order the killing after he learned that Fakhrizadeh planned to host more than ten guests at a dinner party that evening. Cuomo said intelligence sources inside Iran witnessed … Continue reading “Iranian Nuclear Scientist Assassinated for Having 11 Dinner Guests”

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon.com is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, stroked his beheading sword as he described … Continue reading “Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business”

UN Troops Abandon Mission…Again

In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the … Continue reading “UN Troops Abandon Mission…Again”

ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognized the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its … Continue reading “ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative”

Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving

Remarking that his favorite restaurants may be forced to close if the indigent continue to spread the coronavirus, California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an order banning poor and middle-class Californians from gathering for Thanksgiving. Newsom said that the ban was necessary to prevent these citizens from passing the coronavirus to wealthy and politically connected … Continue reading “Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving”

Ghost of Bin Laden Hacked Voting Machines, Giuliani Claims

Calling it the most shocking revelation yet, President Trump’s personal attorney Rudy Giuliani said he has compelling evidence that the ghost of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden worked with the ghost of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez to hack Dominion voting machines. Bin Laden and Chavez worked together to change millions of Trump votes to … Continue reading “Ghost of Bin Laden Hacked Voting Machines, Giuliani Claims”

Giuliani Converts to Islam, Issues Fatwa Declaring Trump Still President

In his latest attempt to save President Donald Trump’s re-election bid, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has officially converted to Islam, named himself a mufti, and issued a fatwa declaring Trump the winner of the November 3 presidential election. The move is the latest attempt to reverse the election results by Trump’s legal … Continue reading “Giuliani Converts to Islam, Issues Fatwa Declaring Trump Still President”