Al Qaeda Severs Ties with Boeing

Following a series of incidents involving Boeing 737 Max 8 airliners, Al Qaeda announced they will no longer be using American made aircraft in their terrorist attacks. “It kind of sucks,” said a spokesman of the organization. “We were just going to start up the hijacking thing again. With ISIS taking the spotlight on the … Continue reading “Al Qaeda Severs Ties with Boeing”

Rashida Tlaib Plans Relaxing Spa Week at Auschwitz

Noting that she really needs some pampering after a stressful week in Congress, Representative Rashida Tlaib has booked a trip to Poland for a week of spa treatment at Auschwitz. “Dealing with all this nagging from Republicans and Jews has really been terrible for my skin,” said Tlaib, referring to criticism over recent comments about the … Continue reading “Rashida Tlaib Plans Relaxing Spa Week at Auschwitz”

NYC Launches ‘See Something, Confront Your Unconscious Bias and Islamophobia’ Campaign

In an effort to revamp his city’s post-9/11 “See Something Say Something” campaign, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has announced a fresh “See Something, Confront Your Unconscious Bias and Consider How the White Supremacist Patriarchy Has Shaped what is Considered Suspicious” initiative. Posters with the new slogan will begin going up on billboards, trains … Continue reading “NYC Launches ‘See Something, Confront Your Unconscious Bias and Islamophobia’ Campaign”

Eurovision PR: Come enjoy the ‘Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv’

As Eurovision kicks off in Tel Aviv, the event’s PR team has launched a new campaign urging audiences to purchase the remaining tickets to the music competition, touting it as the “Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv.” The campaign is a last-minute attempt to draw in foreign audiences to the event which has not yet sold … Continue reading “Eurovision PR: Come enjoy the ‘Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv’”

European Officials Claim Spike in Anti-Semitism Due to “Reading Chart Upside-Down”

Amid fears that anti-Semitism is beginning to rear its ugly head on the once fertile, Jew-hating soil of Europe, an exodus off the continent has begun.  Jews are starting to treat Europe like a bagel shop that ran out of lox, with more and more leaving every year.  Many theories have been put forward as … Continue reading “European Officials Claim Spike in Anti-Semitism Due to “Reading Chart Upside-Down””

Activists Leave Birthright Trip to Protest Lack of Hot Israeli Soldiers

In another courageous protest against the occupation less than a year ago, a third group of Jewish activists has left its free Birthright trip to take a stand against the lack of hot Israeli soldiers on their tour bus. “We came to Israel on Birthright to get a complete and accurate picture of our ancestral homeland … Continue reading “Activists Leave Birthright Trip to Protest Lack of Hot Israeli Soldiers”

Trump Angered to Learn That the Gaza Strip Has Nothing to Do with Strippers

President Donald Trump’s search for “the perfect deal” in the Middle East took an early blow when he discovered that the Gaza Strip has nothing to do with strippers. In a leaked recording by an aide, the President was heard reprimanding the Israeli policy on Gaza’s “pole and lap dancers”.  Upon correction, the fury soon … Continue reading “Trump Angered to Learn That the Gaza Strip Has Nothing to Do with Strippers”

Israel-Gaza Ceasefire Announced to Celebrate Royal Baby

Citizens in Israel and Gaza were grateful this week for an agreed ceasefire in celebration of the new British Royal Baby. Sources have confirmed that Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Prime Minister Netanyahu met in person following their synchronized CNN blasts that Megan was indeed in labor, before formally announcing the brief hiatus this morning … Continue reading “Israel-Gaza Ceasefire Announced to Celebrate Royal Baby”

Confused Biden Touts Endorsement from Ben-Gurion

Days after mistakenly telling supporters that the late Margaret Thatcher had recently express concern about Donald Trump’s presidency, former Vice President Joe Biden announced that he has received the endorsement of former Israeli prime minister David Ben-Gurion. “Just spoke with Prime Minister Ben-Gurion – he gave me a ringing endorsement and said he’s very worried about … Continue reading “Confused Biden Touts Endorsement from Ben-Gurion”

ISIS Leader Admits Five-Year Disappearance Was Only to Avoid Avengers Spoilers

A week after finally re-emerging five years after his previous appearance, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi acknowledged that his time in seclusion was due not to his fear of Hellfire missiles but to avoid spoilers from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast that he had planned on remaining in the spotlight, but decided … Continue reading “ISIS Leader Admits Five-Year Disappearance Was Only to Avoid Avengers Spoilers”

Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers

Lovers of good music have flocked to the BDS demand to boycott the Eurovision final planned for Tel Aviv this year. One critic confirmed, “We don’t have any particular view on the complexities of a two-state solution or the future of the Golan Heights. However, I think we can all get on board with the … Continue reading “Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers”

Jesus Would Be “Totally Cool” With Our Climate Change Denial, American Evangelicals Insist

America’s Evangelical Christian community has insisted that Jesus Christ would be on board with their community’s politics which, despite some improvements, has long embraced climate change denial. “We’re confident that the Son of God and the shepherd of the world is going to be totally down with our wilful destruction of said world by supporting politicians … Continue reading “Jesus Would Be “Totally Cool” With Our Climate Change Denial, American Evangelicals Insist”

Kushner Peace Deal to Give Palestinians Trump Tower

In what the Trump administration is calling the most generous offer yet, Jared Kushner revealed that his Middle East peace plan will give the Palestinians a Trump Tower luxury apartment building in exchange for recognizing Israel. The deal would see a 95-story Trump Tower built in downtown Ramallah, with a casino going up next to … Continue reading “Kushner Peace Deal to Give Palestinians Trump Tower”

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits … Continue reading “Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive”

Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust

As people in Israel, and throughout the world, mark Yom HaShoah, or Holocaust Memorial Day, UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn issued a touching eulogy to the thousands of Germans who saw their reputations suffer under Nazi rule. “We can never forget the terrible tragedy of Europe’s concentration camps, where innocent Germans were verbally attacked simply … Continue reading “Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust”

New York Times Hires Ilhan Omar as Anti-Semitism Sensitivity Advisor

Following backlash over a recent cartoon criticized as anti-Semitic, The New York Times has responded by hiring Minnesota Congresswoman Ilhan Omar to advise the paper on sensitivity towards Jewish readers. “Really, we had no idea that portraying Jews as dogs with giant noses could be viewed as offensive,” the publication said in a statement. “We … Continue reading “New York Times Hires Ilhan Omar as Anti-Semitism Sensitivity Advisor”

Following Anti-Semitic Cartoon, Hamas Invites New York Times onto Board of Propaganda

In the wake of the backlash following the publication of an allegedly anti-Semitic cartoon by the New York Times, the avowedly anti-Semitic Islamist terror group, Hamas, has issued an open invitation to the newspaper to sit on their board of propaganda. “We never thought we’d be awarding the New York Times such a prestigious role … Continue reading “Following Anti-Semitic Cartoon, Hamas Invites New York Times onto Board of Propaganda”

Iranian Ayatollah Sends US Bill for Hair Loss Treatment

Saying that stress from American-led sanctions has led to early-onset hair loss, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has sent the US government a $2 million bill for hair loss treatment. Khamenei sent the invoice shortly after learning that North Korea requested a similar amount for the treatment of American tourist Otto Warmbier, who died after … Continue reading “Iranian Ayatollah Sends US Bill for Hair Loss Treatment”

“Crucifixion” a Step Too Far for British Government

A British Government spokesperson has confirmed that “nailing them up” is very much where they draw the line when it comes to what’s “cool” in international relations. “We’ve kept quiet when our Saudi friends have indulged it a bit of hand chopping. I mean come on, you’ve got two. But we did make some disgruntled … Continue reading ““Crucifixion” a Step Too Far for British Government”

Saudi Crown Prince Beheaded After Posting Avengers: Endgame Spoilers

In a sign that no one in the kingdom is truly above the law, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has been beheaded after authorities say he posted spoilers to Avengers: Endgame. The crown prince was arrested following a tweet in which he stated, “Just saw the new Avengers movie, and I have to say, … Continue reading “Saudi Crown Prince Beheaded After Posting Avengers: Endgame Spoilers”

Horny Saudi Teens Blame Staffers for “Liking” Porn on Twitter

Following the example of Ted Cruz – conservative US Senator and man that attempted to pass legislation that would ban jerking off – many teenage boys from Saudi Arabia have attempted to blame their inadvertent clicks on porn pics on Twitter and adult websites on household staff. Senator Cruz’s twitter account appeared to favorite a … Continue reading “Horny Saudi Teens Blame Staffers for “Liking” Porn on Twitter”

As The Philippines Declares War on Canada Over Garbage, Middle East Reconsiders Reasons For Conflict

Following Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte’s declared threat to go to war against Canada for the latter’s shipment of tons of garbage to the South East Asian nation, the countries of the Middle East are reconsidering reasons for war. “We’ll be honest with you, a lot of our wars out here have been over pure and … Continue reading “As The Philippines Declares War on Canada Over Garbage, Middle East Reconsiders Reasons For Conflict”

Middle East Embraces Huawei 5G Network Deal “Just to Piss Off the United States”

The Arab nations of the Middle East have issued a joint-statement welcoming Huawei, the Chinese communications company, to operate fully within their countries motivated solely by a desire to “piss off the Americans”. The growing ire of the US as nations prove unwilling to listen to their warnings about allowing Huawei, which allegedly has links … Continue reading “Middle East Embraces Huawei 5G Network Deal “Just to Piss Off the United States””

Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Shits and Giggles”

Israel’s national intelligence agency, Mossad, has admitted they were behind the wiretapping of the Trump presidential team, but stressed that they were only doing it “for shits and giggles”. Speaking anonymously, a spokesman for the agency commented, “Hands up yes it was us, not Obama. That guy is way too straight-laced for this. But I … Continue reading “Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Shits and Giggles””

Hamas Reminds Confused Israelis: “Summer Doesn’t Begin Until First ‘Summer Missile’ is Fired”

“It’s hot, and then cold, and then hot again!” exclaims Yosi Kahn, a storeowner whose business is centrally located in Tel Aviv. “We’re getting frustrated over here.”  Yosi isn’t the only citizen in the Middle East confused by the weather lately. While historical climate data mostly shows warm, yet mild temperatures throughout the region at … Continue reading “Hamas Reminds Confused Israelis: “Summer Doesn’t Begin Until First ‘Summer Missile’ is Fired””

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their … Continue reading “Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon”

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus of Nazareth has confirmed what many Christians have feared for centuries: Passover is a way cooler holiday than Easter. “I just like how Passover is all organized with a manual for dummies and all,” said the former failed carpenter-turned-shepherd of salvation. “Easter is just very haphazard, … Continue reading “Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter”

Jewish Conspirators Promise to Cut down on Number of Children Killed to Bake Their Matza This Passover

The Jewish conspirators who control the media, banks, Hollywood, the lizard people and the whole entire world have issued a surprise statement declaring that they will be dramatically reducing the number of children killed while baking matza this Passover. “This Passover, we’re making a concerted effort to kill fewer children in order to harvest their … Continue reading “Jewish Conspirators Promise to Cut down on Number of Children Killed to Bake Their Matza This Passover”

Middle East Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Through a careful study of ancient writings, a team of archaeologists today revealed that ancient peoples were just as likely to be assholes as your asshole neighbor, your asshole boss, or just about any asshole you meet in daily life. “We were quite surprised by our findings,” explained team leader, Stockholm University professor Dr. Tot L. Prik.  “Based on … Continue reading “Middle East Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns”

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Calling it a perfect solution to longstanding tension over the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, President Trump has proposed a plan to raze the entire site and replace it with the ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel and Mosque.’ Trump unveiled his plans just one day after meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Washington. After considering … Continue reading “Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount”

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, … Continue reading “Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast””

ISIS Members Shave Beards After Seeing How Stupid Assange Looks

In a dramatic reversal, the Islamic State has banned long, unkempt beards after ISIS leaders saw just how stupid an unshaven Julian Assange looked during his arrest. Fighters will now be required to be clean-shaven or at most keep short, neatly-trimmed facial hair. Officially, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi cited a recently-discovered hadith, or saying … Continue reading “ISIS Members Shave Beards After Seeing How Stupid Assange Looks”

Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’

Claiming that existing language did not go far enough to protect victims of racism and Islamophobia, House Democrats have passed a bill redefining the term “hate crime” to include “any criticism of, or disagreement with, Representative Ilhan Omar.” The bill comes after Omar’s description of the September 11 attacks as “some people did something” sparked … Continue reading “Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’”

Sanders Announces ‘Operation Write a Bestseller’ Plan to End Global Poverty

Explaining that anyone who writes a bestselling book can be a millionaire, Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has announced a plan to end world poverty by ensuring all earth’s citizens have the chance to write a bestseller. “Frankly, capitalism has failed because the millionaires and billionaires won’t let everyone write a bestseller,” Sanders explained. “When … Continue reading “Sanders Announces ‘Operation Write a Bestseller’ Plan to End Global Poverty”

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) … Continue reading “Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub”

Arab Leaders Willing to Try Democracy After Netanyahu Wins Fifth Term

Saying that the institution “may not be as bad as people claim,” Arab leaders from across the Middle East say they are now open to giving democracy a shot after seeing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu win a fifth term in office. “I always thought democracy meant periodically changing who was in power,” explained Syrian … Continue reading “Arab Leaders Willing to Try Democracy After Netanyahu Wins Fifth Term”

Netanyahu Promises to Annex West Village if Re-Elected

Days after vowing to annex Jewish settlements in the West Bank during his next term, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today took it a step further with a promise to also declare sovereignty over Lower Manhattan’s West Village. “No one can stop the Jewish people or the Jewish nation state from building homes in the … Continue reading “Netanyahu Promises to Annex West Village if Re-Elected”

Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer

In a move aimed at dealing a death blow to what remains of the Islamic State, US President Donald Trump has launched a wind turbine-building campaign across Iraq and Syria with the aim of giving the group’s remaining fighters cancer. “Listen, we’ve totally defeated ISIS, believe me, but now we have to make sure all … Continue reading “Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer”

Israel Prepares National Face-Palm Awaiting Netanyahu’s Desperate Racist Remark This Election Day

The citizens of Israel are, with baited breath, collectively preparing their national face-palm in light of this year’s upcoming election day and the anticipated desperate and racist remark to be issued by the country’s incumbent premier, Binyamin Netanyahu. The national anticipation of global mockery and criticism aimed at the state of Israel’s democratic discourse is … Continue reading “Israel Prepares National Face-Palm Awaiting Netanyahu’s Desperate Racist Remark This Election Day”

Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval

JERUSALEM — In his latest response to the UN Security Council’s resolution condemning his county’s settlement activity, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has broken off all diplomatic relations with the city of Tel Aviv. “No one will tell us where Jews can or cannot build homes – not the UN, and certainly not those smug … Continue reading “Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval”

Middle East Outraged at Brunei Anti-Gay Legislation for “Stealing Their Thunder”

When Brunei announced strict anti-gay legislation, which would have anal sex (not to mention adultery) punishable by stoning to death, Middle Eastern nations expressed outrage that they were being “out-medievaled” by an obscure little south-east Asian kingdom. “Being totally medieval about homosexuality and various other progressive causes has been our brand for centuries. We made … Continue reading “Middle East Outraged at Brunei Anti-Gay Legislation for “Stealing Their Thunder””

Islamic State Leader Surprised Barr Memo Didn’t Mention Trump Joining ISIS

Saying that he “thought it would have been kind of a big deal,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said he was a bit surprised to find US President Donald Trump’s pledge of allegiance to the Islamic State did not come up in Attorney General William Barr’s summary of the Mueller report. “I am no expert … Continue reading “Islamic State Leader Surprised Barr Memo Didn’t Mention Trump Joining ISIS”

Extremists Worldwide Overjoyed That “You Can Hate Pretty Much Everyone” Following Former London Mayor Remarks

Extremists and terror groups worldwide ranging from ISIS and al-Qaeda to the IRA and Israel’s Kahanists have been celebrating following former Mayor of London and prominent ex-Labour party politician Ken Livingstone’s remark that “it’s not anti-Semitic to hate the Jews of Israel”. The groups are overjoyed that “you can hate pretty much everyone now” and … Continue reading “Extremists Worldwide Overjoyed That “You Can Hate Pretty Much Everyone” Following Former London Mayor Remarks”