Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 63 Virgins in Paradise

Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 82 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just … Continue reading “Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 63 Virgins in Paradise”

Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself

The Prophet Muhammad admitted today that he was a bit disappointed to find that, 1,400 years after creating what he believed to be the perfect society in modern-day Saudi Arabia, the world seemingly has largely forgotten about him. “I realize a millennium and a half is a long time, but I expected to find at least … Continue reading “Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself”

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is … Continue reading “BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel””

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

In a surprising turn of events, Israel has been announced as the host of the 2022 Winter Olympics. An IOC spokesperson explained the decision “We at the IOC believe it is important to please everyone, all of the time. Human rights abuses aren’t very nice, are they? We didn’t really like the look of Kazakhstan … Continue reading “Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics”

Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem

In a move the Palestinian Authority is calling, ‘the most perfect metaphor in history,’ this morning the Israeli government released a statement announcing their intention to build 2,000 hurdles in East Jerusalem in preparation for the day when the Summer Olympic Games will be held in Israel. Construction will take place by the end of … Continue reading “Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem”

All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

President Joe Biden’s bipartisan infrastructure bill has successfully passed a major obstacle as a result of a sudden and unexpected move: every single last Republican has thrown its support behind the infra package. The Mideast Beast has learned that it was the specific clarification that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” will be included in … Continue reading “All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure”

Jewish Mothers Protest Pegasus for Replacing Them as Global Surveillance Experts

Anger continues to build at the Israeli NSO Group over reports that its Pegasus spyware is being used to spy on dozens of journalists, activists and executives across the world, as millions of Jewish mothers have begun protesting the group. The mothers are concerned not over privacy issues but that the spyware technology will replace … Continue reading “Jewish Mothers Protest Pegasus for Replacing Them as Global Surveillance Experts”

Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats (TMB Extras: Alternate Ending)

PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Donald Trump has issued a statement acknowledging Joe Biden as the legitimate winner of the 2020 presidential election, with the former president delivering a giant wooden horse (painted in gold color of course) to the US Capitol as a peace offering for good measure. The move came as a surprise to Biden … Continue reading “Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats (TMB Extras: Alternate Ending)”

Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats (TMB Extras: Alternative Ending)

PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Donald Trump has issued a statement acknowledging Joe Biden as the legitimate winner of the 2020 presidential election, with the former president delivering a giant wooden horse (painted in gold color of course) to the US Capitol as a peace offering for good measure. The move came as a surprise to Biden … Continue reading “Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats (TMB Extras: Alternative Ending)”

Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats

Donald Trump has issued a statement acknowledging Joe Biden as the legitimate winner of the 2020 presidential election, with the former president delivering a giant wooden horse to the US Capitol as a peace offering for good measure. The move came as a surprise to Biden and Congressional leaders, who arrived at the Capitol Monday … Continue reading “Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats”

Tourists Still Visiting Israel Not the Types of People You Would Want to Holiday With

In a touching sign of support for the always-embattled nation, and with clear indications of “something just being a bit wrong with them” tourists are still flocking to Israel. Whether it’s to enjoy the rocket filled skies in the south or the all-year-long seething religious tension in Jerusalem, there is something for everyone’s budget. Tour … Continue reading “Tourists Still Visiting Israel Not the Types of People You Would Want to Holiday With”

Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Enrichment Plant

Calling the ice cream manufacturer an “existential threat” to the Jewish state – a phrase rarely ever used in Israeli political discourse – Israeli opposition leader and former prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called for air strikes against Ben & Jerry’s dairy enrichment plant in Waterbury, Vermont. Netanyahu urged the US, which has more advanced … Continue reading “Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Enrichment Plant”

Claiming ‘Existential Threat’, Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Factory

Calling the ice cream manufacturer an “existential threat” to the Jewish state – a phrase rarely used in Israeli political discourse – Israeli opposition leader and former prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called for air strikes against the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory in Waterbury, Vermont. Netanyahu urged the US, which has more advanced … Continue reading “Claiming ‘Existential Threat’, Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Factory”

Israeli Forces Invade Vermont in Response to Ben & Jerry’s Decision

Calling it a fitting response to an act of unprovoked aggression, Israeli forces have entered Vermont and are pushing towards the capital of Montpelier. The invasion comes days after Ben & Jerry’s, a Unilever-owned ice cream company based in Burlington, announced that it would no longer sell its products in the West Bank and East … Continue reading “Israeli Forces Invade Vermont in Response to Ben & Jerry’s Decision”

Joining Billionaire Space Race, Saudi Crown Prince Launches First Dissident into Space

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has joined Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos in the billionaire space race, as the de facto Saudi leader launched the first dissident into space. Though the Crown Prince’s launch garnered little of the fanfare of Bezos’s nine-minute trip into the atmosphere, MBS was able to accomplish the feat with … Continue reading “Joining Billionaire Space Race, Saudi Crown Prince Launches First Dissident into Space”

Trying to Repair Ties to Jewish Community, Ben & Jerry’s Releases ‘Christian Blood Crunch’

In an effort to win back Jewish customers peeved over its decision to stop selling its products in West Bank settlements and East Jerusalem, Ben & Jerry’s announced that it will release a new flavor called ‘Christian Blood Crunch’ to be sold in Jewish communities worldwide. The flavor will contain real chunks of Christian children, … Continue reading “Trying to Repair Ties to Jewish Community, Ben & Jerry’s Releases ‘Christian Blood Crunch’”

Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream

In another effort to infuse social justice into its products, Ben & Jerry’s has released a new ‘Mintifada’ ice cream to honor “the heroic activists who stood up to the shifty Jews” during two Palestinian uprisings. Along with its mint base, the ice cream will include pop rocks representing the suicide bombs used against Jewish … Continue reading “Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream”

Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream

In another effort to infuse social justice into its products, Ben & Jerry’s has released a new ‘Mintifada’ ice cream to honor “the heroic activists who stood up to the shifty Jews” during two Palestinian uprisings. Along with its mint base, the ice cream will include pop rocks representing the suicide bombs used against Jewish … Continue reading “Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream”

Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream

In another effort to infuse social justice into its products, Ben & Jerry’s has released a new ‘Mintifada’ ice cream to honor “the heroic activists who stood up to the shifty Jews” during two Palestinian uprisings. Along with its mint base, the ice cream will include pop rocks representing the suicide bombs used against Jewish … Continue reading “Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream”

‘Holocaust Was Wrong, But a Lot of Those Jews Were Cunts,’ Kenneth Roth Says

NEW YORK CITY — Human Rights Watch director Kenneth Roth is once again facing controversy for remarks some saw as justifying anti-Semitism, this time for calling holocaust victims “a bunch of cunts.” “The Holocaust was absolutely wrong and there is no excuse for the Nazi’s actions,” Roth tweeted Sunday. “But let’s face it – a … Continue reading “‘Holocaust Was Wrong, But a Lot of Those Jews Were Cunts,’ Kenneth Roth Says”

For Second Time in One Week, Biden Invites UN Experts to Assess American ‘Falafel Injustice’

In yet another controversial move that critics say undermines the country’s sovereignty, US President Joe Biden, for a second time this week, has invited the United Nations to bring experts into the country to access and possibly combat “falafel injustice.” Despite objections from Republicans, UN culinary expects will visit the country to examine the quality … Continue reading “For Second Time in One Week, Biden Invites UN Experts to Assess American ‘Falafel Injustice’”

Instagram Closes Qatar’s Account Due to Deathly Boring Images

Instagram, the popular photo and video sharing social networking service, deleted an official page on Tuesday morning, opened by the Qatar Tourism Authority in response to repeated complaints that its pictures were causing a loss of satisfaction, apathy, chronic fatigue and low physical energy. According to Instagram’s Arbitrary and Incoherent Policy Department, “Adhering to our … Continue reading “Instagram Closes Qatar’s Account Due to Deathly Boring Images”

Saddam Finally Linked to 9/11 after Agents Find Lego Pentagon, World Trade Center in Palace

After nearly twenty years of hapless searching, agents within the US intelligence community have finally found the smoking gun linking the late Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to the September 11 attacks. The discovery comes a week after the FBI seized a Lego replica of the US Capitol as evidence from a suspect in the January … Continue reading “Saddam Finally Linked to 9/11 after Agents Find Lego Pentagon, World Trade Center in Palace”

‘But You Have a Great Literacy Program!’ Bernie Sanders Shouts at Cuban Protestors

US Senator and former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders boarded an emergency flight to Cuba late Sunday evening to remind Cubans protesting the communist regime that they have a great literacy program. “My fellow comrades, put down your American flags and return home. Your government loves you and has developed a great literacy program to teach … Continue reading “‘But You Have a Great Literacy Program!’ Bernie Sanders Shouts at Cuban Protestors”

Palestinians Are Ready to Elect a New President Who Will Stay Way Past Legal Term Limit

The results of a new poll were released today, illuminating the view Palestinians have of their leadership. West Bank Palestinians were asked about their feelings towards current Palestinian Authority President, Mahmoud Abbas. Abbas was elected President in 2005, and was slated to serve until 2009. However, he extended his term and remains in power to … Continue reading “Palestinians Are Ready to Elect a New President Who Will Stay Way Past Legal Term Limit”

Taliban Sees Pushback Over ‘Critical Jihad Theory’

Just as it prepares to retake the country, the Taliban is seeing its popularity in Afghanistan wane due to its support for “Critical Jihad Theory.” Taliban officials have insisted that schools, major companies and the military all teach Critical Jihad Theory, or CJT, which teaches that all people are either “infidels” or “anti-infidels.” Training seminars … Continue reading “Taliban Sees Pushback Over ‘Critical Jihad Theory’”

Palestinians Are “Just Regular People,” Shocking New Study Finds

A monumental shift in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is sure to take place following the release of some astonishing findings in a new Hebrew University study. The multi-year study investigated a somewhat simple hypothesis, but one which is rarely considered. It turns out, the paper states, “That contrary to what many believe, Palestinians are just regular … Continue reading “Palestinians Are “Just Regular People,” Shocking New Study Finds”

Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler

Mr Estevez looks very familiar, like someone you might recognize had the years been kinder. He has an odd accent for a person who claims to have lived his whole life in beautiful Buenos Aires, Argentina. Spanish with a twinge of something stern that’s hard to place. This polite old man has been claiming in … Continue reading “Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler”

Squad Members Say There Were ‘Very Fine People on Both Sides’ of Stabbing of Israeli Rabbi in Boston

Calling it a complicated and nuanced situation, members of the far-Left “Squad” insisted that there were “very fine people on both sides” of an anti-Semitic stabbing attack in Boston last week. While noting that she did not condone 24-year-old Khaled Awad’s decision to stab Rabbi Shlomo Noginski outside a Jewish day school, Rep. Ilhan Omar … Continue reading “Squad Members Say There Were ‘Very Fine People on Both Sides’ of Stabbing of Israeli Rabbi in Boston”

Ilhan Omar Doubles Down, Compares Israel to Sith Empire

Refusing to back down from her earlier comments comparing Israel and the US to Hamas and the Taliban, Rep. Ilhan Omar has now equated Israel with the Darth Vader-led Sith Empire. “We have seen unthinkable atrocities, including the destruction of entire planets, by evil entities like the Sith Order, the Galactic Empire, Israel, and Republicans … Continue reading “Ilhan Omar Doubles Down, Compares Israel to Sith Empire”

Chicago Dyke March Bans Gays and Lesbians After Learning Israel Supports Gay Rights

The Chicago Dyke March, a pride event held each June, has announced that it will no longer allow gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people to take part in the march after learning that Israel is a strong supporter of gay rights. The event’s organizers, who previously previously banned flags portraying the Star of David and … Continue reading “Chicago Dyke March Bans Gays and Lesbians After Learning Israel Supports Gay Rights”

Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters

Winner of the sexiest nation (Middle East and North Africa Division) for three years running, Israel, has expressed concerned at the quality of international chicks willing to ‘stand by it’. Chatting with The Mideast Beast in an exclusive heart to heart, the Zionist hunk was unrepentant. “Look, it’s not that I’m not grateful for the … Continue reading “Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters”

Israel Found Guilty

The international community issued firm condemnation of Israel’s recent actions earlier today. An emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council was convened in order to issue a number of resolutions against the Jewish State. Member states accused Israel of being “inhumane,” and acting with “utter disregard for human life and wellbeing.” Israel has responded … Continue reading “Israel Found Guilty”

Taliban’s Tourism Minister Excited to Welcome Vaccinated Infidels

The Taliban Tourism Ministry in Afghanistan is excitedly preparing to welcome vaccinated non-Muslim tourists in July. By contrast, virus-phobic Israel decided once again to postpone the reopening of its borders to vaccinated tourists until August due to the global spread of the coronavirus Delta variant. The Taliban’s Tourism Minister, Mullah Kabir, spoke to The Mideast … Continue reading “Taliban’s Tourism Minister Excited to Welcome Vaccinated Infidels”

Supporters Furious After Ilhan Omar Goes Week Without Anti-Semitic Comment

Followers of Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar are rethinking their support for the progressive lawmaker after Omar went more than a week without an anti-Semitic dog whistle. Omar, who has won praise from progressives ranging from David Duke to Louis Farrakhan for her constant criticism of “Zionists,” has reportedly made few if any openly anti-Semitic remarks … Continue reading “Supporters Furious After Ilhan Omar Goes Week Without Anti-Semitic Comment”

Biden Gives al Qaeda List of Buildings to Not Blow Up

Following a successful meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in which he presented a list of critical infrastructure off limits to cyberattacks, US President Joe Biden announced that he has sent the terror group al Qaeda a list of 16 critical buildings to not fly a plane into. Biden sent the list by fax, stating … Continue reading “Biden Gives al Qaeda List of Buildings to Not Blow Up”

‘At Least Nazis Didn’t Make Jews Wear Masks,’ Taylor Greene Says

A week after apologizing for comparing mask requirements to the Holocaust, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene now says that Jews in concentration camps were lucky to be able to spend their days unmasked. “Even Hitler was not as cruel as our current Fuhrer, Speaker Pelosi,” Greene tweeted late Sunday. “The Jews might have been gassed to … Continue reading “‘At Least Nazis Didn’t Make Jews Wear Masks,’ Taylor Greene Says”

“Secret Jewish Space Laser” Merch – by Dissent Pins

We can thank Nick Jehlen, Madeline Elwell, Caitlin Kuhwald, among others, at Dissent Pins for this golden merch! Visit their site to get your “Secret Jewish Space Laser” pins, shirts, and hats today! Enjoy! Full disclosure: The Mideast Beast does not earn any profit for promoting Dissent Pins. This is a courtesy advert for their … Continue reading ““Secret Jewish Space Laser” Merch – by Dissent Pins”

Biden and Putin Agree to “Make World Peaceful like the Mideast”

During the recent US-Russian summit in Geneva, US President Joe Biden and Russian President Vladimir Putin vowed to “make the world as peaceful as the Middle East.” Biden spoke to The Mideast Beast about his meeting with the Russian leader in Switzerland. “Folks, I had a constructive face-to-poker-face meeting with Russian Tzar Vladimir Stalin in … Continue reading “Biden and Putin Agree to “Make World Peaceful like the Mideast””

Hamas Reaffirms Position on Two-State Solution, U.S. Applauds

While packing up the last of his personal belongings at the official residence of the Prime Minister after a 12-year stay, former Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu reiterated that he does not believe a two-state solution is possible. Surprisingly, Hamas decided to second that notion, stating, “We do not believe a two-state solution is possible at … Continue reading “Hamas Reaffirms Position on Two-State Solution, U.S. Applauds”

‘Why Do Only Loser Congresspeople Like Us?’ Hamas Asks

With Rep. Ilhan Omar comparing the Islamist terror group to America and Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez also strongly siding against Israel during the recent conflict, Hamas leaders are reportedly confused as to why only losers seem to like them. “I mean, it’s kind of amazing that anyone in America supports us, given how … Continue reading “‘Why Do Only Loser Congresspeople Like Us?’ Hamas Asks”

Progressives Demand Israel Replace Iron Dome with Social Workers

While Israel’s Iron Dome shot down thousands of rockets headed for Israeli cities last month during Operation Guardian of the Walls, Democrats in Congress are proposing a less violent way for the Jewish state to stop the rocket fire from Gaza. Legislation proposed by a group of far-Left Democrats would end US funding for Iron … Continue reading “Progressives Demand Israel Replace Iron Dome with Social Workers”

40 Years after Iraq Nuclear Reactor Bombing, Israel Accidentally Destroys Iran’s Nuclearized Rice Factories

Marking 40 years since the Israeli bombing of the French-made Iraqi nuclear reactor Osirak, apparently the Israel Air Force mistakenly wiped out Iran’s controversial subterranean nuclearized rice factories. The Israel Air Force commander Amikam Norkin spoke to The Mideast Beast about the dramatic accident. “Last night, approximately one hundred Israeli F-35, F-15 and F-16 fighter … Continue reading “40 Years after Iraq Nuclear Reactor Bombing, Israel Accidentally Destroys Iran’s Nuclearized Rice Factories”

Comparison to Taliban and Hamas was a Compliment, Ilhan Omar Clarifies

Facing criticism from within her own party after comparing the US and Israel to Hamas and the Taliban, Rep. Ilhan Omar clarified that the comments were meant as a compliment of America and its ally. “I was trying to point out how much progress both the US and Israel have made,” the Minnesota Democrat told … Continue reading “Comparison to Taliban and Hamas was a Compliment, Ilhan Omar Clarifies”

NYT Wins Pulitzer for ‘Watermelons Found on Mars’ Story

The New York Times has won yet another Pulitzer for a retracted story, this time for a mistakenly published report that watermelons found on Mars were planted by a growing population of fruit aliens. The Times pulled down the story within an hour, saying that the post was part of an internal online test that … Continue reading “NYT Wins Pulitzer for ‘Watermelons Found on Mars’ Story”

Ellie Kemper Apologizes for Controversial ‘Al Qaeda Beauty Pageant’

Actress Ellie Kemper is once again apologizing for her youthful indiscretion after it emerged that the star appeared in Al Qaeda’s 1999 ‘Queen of the Jihad’ debutante ball. Kemper, known for her roles in Bridesmaids, The Office, and The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, said she knew little about the terror group when she participated in the … Continue reading “Ellie Kemper Apologizes for Controversial ‘Al Qaeda Beauty Pageant’”

Democrats Flee to Middle East to Escape Republicans’ Restrictive Voter Laws

Looking to escape Republican attempts to end democracy through restrictive voting laws, a growing number of prominent Democrats have fled the US and claimed asylum in the Middle East. Stacey Abrams, a former Georgia gubernatorial candidate who was kept out of office in a coup d’etat, recently arrived in Egypt where she claimed refugee status … Continue reading “Democrats Flee to Middle East to Escape Republicans’ Restrictive Voter Laws”

Cuming to Skies Near You: Air Aviv to Offer Clothing-Optional “Adults-Only” Class

TEL AVIV – For the first time in aviation history, Tel Aviv-based carrier Air Aviv will offer a restricted, clothing-optional “Adults-Only Class” on selected trans-Mediterranean routes. The separate section – to be located at the rear of each aircraft – will offer five rows of business class-quality seats, each with widescreen flat screen with over 10,000 free adult … Continue reading “Cuming to Skies Near You: Air Aviv to Offer Clothing-Optional “Adults-Only” Class”

In Support of BDS, Mia Khalifa Vows to Boycott Gang Bangs with More than Seven IDF Soldiers

In a statement of support for the anti-Israel BDS movement, porn star Mia Khalifa said that she will no longer allow more than six or seven Israeli soldiers to gang bang her in any future adult videos. “No matter how much anyone pays me, I will never again be octuple-teamed be greased-up IDF commandos until … Continue reading “In Support of BDS, Mia Khalifa Vows to Boycott Gang Bangs with More than Seven IDF Soldiers”

Bibi: We’ll Never Concede, We’ll Storm the Capitol’s Temple Mount

Facing the potential end of his political career, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu told his supporters “We will never give up, we will never concede. We will break through the Temple Mount and storm Israel’s capitol, Jerusalem.” Netanyahu reluctantly agreed to speak to The Mideast Beast after he was convinced that the reputable satirical … Continue reading “Bibi: We’ll Never Concede, We’ll Storm the Capitol’s Temple Mount”