Netanyahu Says He Was Forced Into Opposition Because ‘Creepy Weirdo’ Lawmakers Wanted to Date Him

Taking a page from US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s playbook, former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu now blames strong sexual attraction from fellow creepy weirdo members of the Knesset for his failure to form a government last year. Netanyahu says that nearly all lawmakers believed he was the best choice to lead the Jewish State for … Continue reading “Netanyahu Says He Was Forced Into Opposition Because ‘Creepy Weirdo’ Lawmakers Wanted to Date Him”

With de Blasio Gone, Assad Excited to Once Again be World’s Worst Leader

After eight years languishing in the number two spot, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad proudly reclaimed the title of “world’s worst leader” on New Year’s Day when New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio officially left office. Assad had held the title from 2011 to 2014 after launching a relentless campaign against Syrian civilians, as his … Continue reading “With de Blasio Gone, Assad Excited to Once Again be World’s Worst Leader”

World Leaders Reveal New Year’s Resolutions

Across the globe, and especially in the Middle East, leaders and politicians – from popes to Ayatollahs and from Presidents to Vice Presidents – rang in 2022 with their own New Year’s resolutions. The Mideast Beast, in a joint operation with Wikileaks, has exclusively obtained documents revealing the New Year’s Resolutions of the following political … Continue reading “World Leaders Reveal New Year’s Resolutions”

God Lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2022nd Time

After another year of war between Middle Eastern countries and factions, and a never-ending global pandemic, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2020 was a bust and 2021 definitely didn’t go as planned, but new year, new me! In 2022 I vow that there will b no more mideast … Continue reading “God Lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2022nd Time”

European Official Claims Spike in Anti-Semitism Due to “Reading Chart Upside-Down”

Amid fears that anti-Semitism is beginning to rear its ugly head on the once fertile, Jew-hating soil of Europe, an exodus off the continent has begun.  Jews are starting to treat Europe like a bagel shop that ran out of lox, with more and more leaving every year.  Many theories have been put forward as … Continue reading “European Official Claims Spike in Anti-Semitism Due to “Reading Chart Upside-Down””

A Year of Shadowbans & Jail Time: The Mideast Beast’s Top 12 Articles of 2021 That You Probably Missed

Hello fans! We had a clever write-up prepared but, in all honesty, we didn’t want to waste any more of your time that you could be spending enjoying what’s left of this spectacular year. So, let’s just get on with it. For your reading pleasure…that you were robbed of…all year long ‘Why Do Only Loser … Continue reading “A Year of Shadowbans & Jail Time: The Mideast Beast’s Top 12 Articles of 2021 That You Probably Missed”

Palestinians Hire Kevin McCallister to Train in Anti-Occupation Resistance

Looking to finally achieve independence, the Palestinian Authority has hired Chicago resident Kevin McCallister to advise the government on how to resist occupation against a stronger invading force. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas reached out to McCallister after seeing how he fought off attempts by a crime duo known as the “Wet Bandits,” first in his … Continue reading “Palestinians Hire Kevin McCallister to Train in Anti-Occupation Resistance”

Santa Stuck at Port of LA, Deliveries Delayed Until Easter

A backlog at the Port of Los Angeles threatened Christmas for millions of American children, as Santa Claus and his reindeer were stuck at the LA shipping docks due to the supply chain crisis. Now, experts say, Santa might not make it into every home until as late as April, meaning millions of children will … Continue reading “Santa Stuck at Port of LA, Deliveries Delayed Until Easter”

Blitzen Killed Over Israel as Iron Dome Mistakes Santa’s Sleigh for Missile

A detection error by Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, took out one of Santa’s reindeer and threatened to derail Christmas Friday night. Saint Nick was flying from Lebanon into northern Israel, where he was set to deliver toys to Christian children in and around Nazareth. When the Iron Dome detected a suspicious group of … Continue reading “Blitzen Killed Over Israel as Iron Dome Mistakes Santa’s Sleigh for Missile”

ISIS-K Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

Santa Claus is being held by ISIS-K fighters in Afghanistan, as the Islamic State in the Khorasan Province is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS-K fighter in a … Continue reading “ISIS-K Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’”

Iranians Announce Soleimani Prize for Revolutionary Leaders Who Don’t Die in Drone Strikes

Following the not-at-all shocking report that Israeli intelligence was involved in the U.S. targeted strike that killed the commander of the Quds Force (IRGC), Iranian President Hassan Rouhani announced the formation of a committee to award the ״Major General Soleimani Prize״. The prize – in memory of the infamous general who died in January 2020 … Continue reading “Iranians Announce Soleimani Prize for Revolutionary Leaders Who Don’t Die in Drone Strikes”

Santa’s Sleigh Lodged in Suez Canal

As if supply chain disruptions weren’t bad enough already, Tuesday evening Santa’s sleigh became jackknifed in the Suez Canal, blocking boat traffic indefinitely. While attempting to unload a pallet of PlayStation 5’s from a cargo ship for the few good Christian children in the Middle East, Donner and Blitzen backed up too quickly, tangled their … Continue reading “Santa’s Sleigh Lodged in Suez Canal”

After Botox Scandal, Saudi Camel Pageant to Focus More on Q&A Portion

This year’s King Abdulaziz Camel Pageant was rocked by scandal when 43 contestants were disqualified for using Botox injections and other cosmetic surgeries to enhance their appearance. In order to discourage other camels from making dangerous body modifications, officials have announced that, going forward, scoring will rely more on the question-and-answer portion, rather than a … Continue reading “After Botox Scandal, Saudi Camel Pageant to Focus More on Q&A Portion”

ISIS Accuses Biden of Plagiarizing ‘Winter of Death’ Speech

President Joe Biden has once again been accused of plagiarism, with accusations this time centering on a speech encouraging Covid-19 vaccines which ISIS leaders say was lifted nearly verbatim from the group’s former Caliph. The speech, which had already drawn criticism from conservatives for its dark message, touted the efficacies of vaccines but carried a … Continue reading “ISIS Accuses Biden of Plagiarizing ‘Winter of Death’ Speech”

ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays

Like all holiday seasons that are just around the corner, they can be a period of intense joy, spending time with family and friends. But they can also be a time of dread. For many couples in a new relationship, one has to ask if the holidays are the right time to meet that significant other’s … Continue reading “ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays”

Erdogan Names 50 Cent Finance Minister

Looking to right the country’s economic ship amidst a falling lira and high unemployment, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced that he has named rapper Curtis Jackson, better known as 50 Cent, as the country’s new finance minister. The appointment came as a surprise to many in the international community given Jackson’s public struggles to … Continue reading “Erdogan Names 50 Cent Finance Minister”

Saudi Arabia to Open Least Exciting Resorts Ever

The Saudi Arabian government has admitted to being disappointed at the public reaction to its plans for new tourist resorts on islands in the Red Sea. One blogger commented, “So what you’re saying is it will be like lying on a beach in Dubai but without the two-for-one cocktail hour. Or like lying on the … Continue reading “Saudi Arabia to Open Least Exciting Resorts Ever”

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

A new study from the Iranian Institute for the Advancement of anti-Semitism revealed that it’s the worst time in history to be an anti-Semite. The study showed that, since the inception of the Jewish state, it has become increasingly more difficult for assholes to persecute the Jews. When they started, the researchers said they hoped … Continue reading “Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows”

UN Commission Finds Jews to Be “Only Ethnic Group That Doesn’t Really Belong Anywhere”

The “Jewish Question” is a lot like the Kardashians – a lot of people have tried to understand what all the fuss is about, but no one seems to have a 100% convincing explanation. Recently however, the United Nations tasked a commission with finally answering the question of “where all these damn Jews are coming from, … Continue reading “UN Commission Finds Jews to Be “Only Ethnic Group That Doesn’t Really Belong Anywhere””

Horrified by U.S. Mass Shootings in 2021, Assad, Hamas to Ban All Guns

As the U.S. wraps up 2021 with an impressive 640 mass shootings, some Middle Eastern leaders, horrified at the violence, are considering a full embargo on guns. Saying that he could only stomach so much violence, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly ready to ban assault rifles like the AR-15 and even semi-automatic pistols, such … Continue reading “Horrified by U.S. Mass Shootings in 2021, Assad, Hamas to Ban All Guns”

US Officials Panic as Syria Masses Camels on Jordanian Border

American security officials are now facing yet another international crisis, as Syria has positioned tens of thousands of camels on its border with Jordan, raising concerns that it might be planning an invasion. The threat leaves the Biden administration facing crises in the Middle East and in Europe, where Russia has sent 175,000 troops to … Continue reading “US Officials Panic as Syria Masses Camels on Jordanian Border”

Smollett Says Nigerian Attackers Claimed to be Princes, Promised $3.2 Million

The two Nigerian men who attacked Jussie Smollett in January of 2019 claimed to be princes in their home country and promised Smollett more than $3 million if he let them beat him up, the actor now claims. Smollett said that his correspondence with the brothers began in 2018, when they e-mailed him out of … Continue reading “Smollett Says Nigerian Attackers Claimed to be Princes, Promised $3.2 Million”

Assad Convinced U.S. High Schools Produce Better Terrorists Than Syria

Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has voiced his enthusiasm that U.S. high schools “produce better terrorists than Syria.” Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast after having his beauty sleep once again ruined by nightly sorties of blue-starred F35s strafing Persian-affiliated yoga classes in Damascus. “The recent high school shooting in Michigan sadly proves, yet again, that … Continue reading “Assad Convinced U.S. High Schools Produce Better Terrorists Than Syria”

Biden Threatens to Move MLB All-Star Game from Iran

Facing increasing intransigence from the Islamic Republic in its pursuit of nuclear weapons, President Joe Biden is considering his own nuclear option. If Iran continues to accelerate its nuclear weapons program and refuses to honor previously made commitments, Biden says he will ask Major League Baseball not to hold the 2022 All-Star Game in Tehran. … Continue reading “Biden Threatens to Move MLB All-Star Game from Iran”

Israelis Concerned Another War with Hezbollah Will Disrupt Weed Supply Chain

TEL AVIV – From the United States of America to the Federated States of Micronesia, the global supply chain crisis is causing a surge in demands that continue to be unmet. For Christmas, children around the world won’t get the toys they want, and the Karens of Suburbia might be facing an unimaginable situation: the … Continue reading “Israelis Concerned Another War with Hezbollah Will Disrupt Weed Supply Chain”

Report: World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply

GENEVA — The Mideast Beast’s investigative team has recently discovered that the World Health Organization (WHO) has added high levels of Valium to the water supply of Israelis and Palestinians. If true, the move is a serious breach of national security and of international law, with some claiming it’s a form of chemical warfare. Yet, no … Continue reading “Report: World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply”

12-Step Program for Anti-Israel Addicts

THE INTERNET — On Thursday evening The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with Dr. Omer Rashida-Cortez, Director of the Anti-Israel Addicts Anonymous group, who has developed a 12-step program not just for “Israel = apartheid” addicts but specifically tailored for addicts who get every. fucking. thing. wrong. about Israel. Rashida-Cortez noted, “At least … Continue reading “12-Step Program for Anti-Israel Addicts”

ISIS Offshoot ‘Jihad Squad’ Sues Congresswomen Over Copyright Infringement

A little-known Islamic State offshoot known as the “Jihad Squad” announced that it is suing several progressive members of the US Congress after learning that they are also known by the moniker. Representatives Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez were all named in the lawsuit, as the terror offshoot from Pakistan’s Baluchi region claimed … Continue reading “ISIS Offshoot ‘Jihad Squad’ Sues Congresswomen Over Copyright Infringement”

Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”

Miss Iran, Fatameh Ayatollicious, has reportedly been disqualified from the upcoming Miss Universe competition due to “excessive facial hair growth.” The news came amid reports that the contestant, who attended every single event wearing a tunic and turban, appeared to be at least 70 years old and suspiciously resembled Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “I’m … Continue reading “Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth””

Fauci Issues Fatwa Against Omicron

Dr. Anthony Fauci, chief medical advisor to President Joe Biden, has issued a Fatwa, or Islamic decree, against Omicron, the newest coronavirus variant to threaten the West. “After consulting with prominent alternative medicine experts like Grand Sheikh Ahmed el-Tayeb, Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, and Rep. Ilhan Omar, I realized that a Fatwa is the only way … Continue reading “Fauci Issues Fatwa Against Omicron”

ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

BLACK FRIDAY — ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long … Continue reading “ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart”

Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show

GAZA CITY — Hamas, a self-declared non-Belieber, has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as yet another “infidel noise crime”. Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip … Continue reading “Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show”

Iran: “Biden is our Favorite Thanksgiving Turkey”

Ahead of renewed nuclear talks with Western powers, Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei praised President Biden as “our favorite Thanksgiving Turkey.” Khamenei spoke to The Mideast Beast about his dream of making the world a better place. “We ayatollahs love Thanksgiving and want to thank the United States of America for our favorite turkey: Joe … Continue reading “Iran: “Biden is our Favorite Thanksgiving Turkey””

Breakthrough Seen in Iranian Nuclear Talks as Ayatollah Agrees to Put Pronouns in Twitter Bio

President Biden and Iranian negotiators have reached a major breakthrough in talks to curb Iran’s push towards a nuclear weapon, as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has agreed to add his pronouns to his Twitter bio. The agreement came after weeks of shuttle diplomacy, with Biden touting the deal as a significant step towards “peace in our … Continue reading “Breakthrough Seen in Iranian Nuclear Talks as Ayatollah Agrees to Put Pronouns in Twitter Bio”

Hamas: “Justin Bieber’s Zionist Concert a Crime Against Sensitive Islamist Ears”

Hamas has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as an “infidel noise crime against sensitive Islamist ears.” Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “The infidel … Continue reading “Hamas: “Justin Bieber’s Zionist Concert a Crime Against Sensitive Islamist Ears””

ISIS Announces Plot to Cross State Lines

Looking to re-enter relevance in the United States, the Islamic State terrorist group announced that it plans to commit the most horrific crime known to man: crossing state lines. ISIS leaders said they were unaware that traveling from one state to the other was such a heinous offense until they saw scores of journalists, activists, … Continue reading “ISIS Announces Plot to Cross State Lines”

ACLU Calls for End to ‘Not Guilty’ Verdicts

Calling the outcome a “tool of white supremacy and oppression,” the American Civil Liberties Union has called for an end to verdicts of “not guilty” in criminal trials. The ACLU’s statement came following the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, who shot three men during a riot in Kenosha, Wisconsin last summer. The ACLU said that the … Continue reading “ACLU Calls for End to ‘Not Guilty’ Verdicts”

Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! US Jews Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven

Hundreds of Americans have sought refuge in Israel as anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist fervor grows in America. American Jew, James Silverberg, has settled in Tel Aviv. He explained to reporters, “Things are totally crazy back home. On the extreme right, you’ve got these crazy racists screaming, ‘Jews will not replace us!’ And then they turn around … Continue reading “Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! US Jews Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven”

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

PESHAWAR — Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden over 10 years ago, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the … Continue reading “Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is”

Amnesty Blasts Israel for ‘War Crimes’; Israel’s Feelings Hurt

Following the totally expected statement from Amnesty International blasting Israel for ‘war crimes’, and accusing the 73-year old Zionist badass of ‘callous indifference’ regarding targets in pretty much all wars with Gaza, The Mideast Beast caught up with the Zionist pinup for an exclusive chat. “Look, I can accept that Amnesty thinks I may have … Continue reading “Amnesty Blasts Israel for ‘War Crimes’; Israel’s Feelings Hurt”

Amid Tensions, Biden Sends Harris to Middle East to Solve Sunni-Shia Conflict

Looking to ease tensions with his VP, President Joe Biden announced that he will be sending Vice President Kamala Harris to the Middle East on a very important mission to bring together the Sunni and Shia branches of Islam. The assignment comes amid reports of frustration from the Harris team over the VP’s role in … Continue reading “Amid Tensions, Biden Sends Harris to Middle East to Solve Sunni-Shia Conflict”

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Nominate Jimmy Carter in 2024

In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, … Continue reading “Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Nominate Jimmy Carter in 2024”

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Run Jimmy Carter in 2024

In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, … Continue reading “Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Run Jimmy Carter in 2024”

Supply Chain Shortage Forces Taliban to Buy Gross Adult Wives

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Supply chain issues, which have been taking a toll in countries around the world due to economic woes, worker shortages, and shipping delays, have now hit the wife market in Afghanistan. The shortage is getting so bad, that some Taliban men are even settling for grown, adult women. It’s especially difficult for … Continue reading “Supply Chain Shortage Forces Taliban to Buy Gross Adult Wives”

God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’

In a surprise announcement, The Almighty One, Blessed Be He, dropped his new commandment without warning this past Friday morning: “Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out”. This is the first commandment that the Chief Shepherd has released in thousands of years, but he explained that it has been in the works for some time. When … Continue reading “God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’”

Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Camp

ISRAEL — In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. I figured I’d just pass the time … Continue reading “Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Camp”

Baghdadi Still Lonely in Hell as BFF Erdogan Remains Alive

Former ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is reportedly distraught after learning that Turkish leader Recep Tayyip Erdogan, rumored to be either dead or on death’s doorstep, is in fact alive and unlikely to join the jihadist in Hell for years to come. Baghdadi admitted to feeling lonely and unable to make friends in the underworld … Continue reading “Baghdadi Still Lonely in Hell as BFF Erdogan Remains Alive”

Oscar the Grouch Announces he is Taking Ivermectin

Days after Big Bird, Elmo, and several other Muppets announced that they had received the Covid-19 vaccine, Oscar the Grouch has revealed that he is unvaccinated and has started taking the anti-parasite drug Ivermectin to battle the coronavirus. After Big Bird appeared on a CNN’s town hall and discussed receiving the vaccine, Oscar joined podcaster … Continue reading “Oscar the Grouch Announces he is Taking Ivermectin”

Virginia Schools to Begin Teaching ‘Critical Trump Theory’

With Republican businessman Glenn Youngkin’s victory in the state’s gubernatorial election Tuesday night, Virginia schools have been ordered to begin teaching students “Critical Trump Theory,” a controversial doctrine that views all events through the lens of how unfair they are to former President Donald Trump. Minutes after he was declared the winner, Youngkin ordered school … Continue reading “Virginia Schools to Begin Teaching ‘Critical Trump Theory’”

MLB Commissioner Declares Rockies World Series Champions

Despite the Atlanta Braves’ World Series win Tuesday night, Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred has declared the Colorado Rockies the World Series Champions following criticism of Georgia’s voting laws. Manfred has already taken back the Commissioner’s Trophy and will fly to Denver to present it to the Rockies on Thursday. “While the Braves technically … Continue reading “MLB Commissioner Declares Rockies World Series Champions”