Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It

In another move aimed at supporting the anti-Israel BDS movement, Irish author Sally Rooney announced that she will double the price of her new novel to prevent Jews, notoriously stingy, from buying the book. Determined to ensure her book is not read by any Israelis or Zionists, Rooney already refused to allow her book to … Continue reading “Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It”

Looking to Cash In on Nostalgia, God to Release Sequel to New Testament

In a move that some fans of the originals are calling a cash grab, prominent author God announced he will release a long-awaited sequel to his 100 AD smash hit ‘The Bible.’ After penning the wildly popular Hebrew Bible and New Testament, God has long resisted making another installment in the series even as works … Continue reading “Looking to Cash In on Nostalgia, God to Release Sequel to New Testament”

Brian Laundrie Lands Job at Saudi Consulate

Disgraced Instagram influencer and suspect murderer Brian Laundrie has re-emerged after a month in hiding and is now working as a visa processor at Saudi Arabia’s consulate in Miami. Laundrie, who is suspected of killing girlfriend Gabby Petito during a cross-country trip this summer, was believed to have either fled or to be in hiding. … Continue reading “Brian Laundrie Lands Job at Saudi Consulate”

Brian Laundrie Lands Job at Saudi Consulate

Disgraced Instagram influencer and suspected murderer Brian Laundrie has re-emerged after a month in hiding and is now working as a visa processor at Saudi Arabia’s consulate in Miami. Laundrie, who is suspected of killing girlfriend Gabby Petito during a cross-country trip this summer, was believed to have either fled or to be in hiding. … Continue reading “Brian Laundrie Lands Job at Saudi Consulate”

Trump Backs Anti-Sinema Protesters: ‘It’s Fine to Follow Women into the Bathroom’

Left-wing protestors who angrily followed Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema into a restroom over her opposition to a $3.5 trillion spending bill have an unexpected ally: former President Donald Trump. “Of course it’s fine to follow women in the bathroom against their will,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “How else are you supposed to grab them … Continue reading “Trump Backs Anti-Sinema Protesters: ‘It’s Fine to Follow Women into the Bathroom’”

Mormons Shocked to Learn Mount Sinai Not Really in Nebraska

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been shocked by the recent discovery that Mount Sinai, the spot where Moses received the ten commandments from God, was in fact in modern day Saudi Arabia and not in Banner County, Nebraska as previously believed. Archeologists now say that the Jabal Maqula mountain … Continue reading “Mormons Shocked to Learn Mount Sinai Not Really in Nebraska”

Brian Laundrie Killed by US Special Forces in Pakistan

Suspected murderer Brian Laundrie was killed Thursday night by US special forces while hiding out at his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, President Biden announced in a special address to the nation. Laundrie, who was believed to be behind the death of girlfriend Gabby Petito, had somehow managed to slip past American troops in Florida and … Continue reading “Brian Laundrie Killed by US Special Forces in Pakistan”

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client.  “You expect … Continue reading “Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career”

AOC Proposes Funding Recycled “Bamboo Dome” for Israel

Calling the Iron Dome missile defense system an environmental nightmare, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is now recommending the US instead fund the carbon-neutral “recycled Bamboo Dome.” Her suggestion came in a long Instagram post defending her “present” vote on funding the Iron Dome. “A lot of people are like, ‘well you voted against building a dome … Continue reading “AOC Proposes Funding Recycled “Bamboo Dome” for Israel”

Equality! Taliban Bans Biological Males and Biological Females from Participating in Women’s Sports

Much like a six-foot tall Army Special Forces soldier wrestling a lady, sports organizations around the world have been wrestling with the contentious issue of transgender athletes in women’s sports. Those opposed to the idea argue that differences in size, hormones, and bone density make it unsafe for transgender athletes and cisgender athletes to compete … Continue reading “Equality! Taliban Bans Biological Males and Biological Females from Participating in Women’s Sports”

California Inspiration! Taliban Opponents Launch Recall Effort

Motivated by California Republicans’ failed effort to recall Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom, Afghans opposed to Taliban rule have launched their own recall petition to throw the Islamist group out of office. The petition already has more than 30 million signatures, including every woman in the country. While Taliban rule has been met with opposition since … Continue reading “California Inspiration! Taliban Opponents Launch Recall Effort”

White Girl Totally “Gets” Middle Eastern Culture After Trip to Dubai

“The Israel-Palestinian conflict really has no simple solution. Like, the West Bank kinda belongs to both Jews and Muslims,” Stacey Roberts of Burlington, Minnesota tells her Syrian hairstylist. And Stacey knows all about the Middle East – she just got back from Dubai. In July, Stacey and her bff, Stacy, decided to visit Dubai after … Continue reading “White Girl Totally “Gets” Middle Eastern Culture After Trip to Dubai”

Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards

The Israel Prison Service is facing tough questions over its decision to hire the guards tasked with monitoring Jeffrey Epstein to protect six Palestinian prisoners. The guards, Tova Noel and Michael Thomas, had been assigned to protect Epstein when the financier and convicted sex offender was found dead in his cell in August 2019. Speaking … Continue reading “Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards”

Norm Macdonald Asks God for Ten Minutes in Hell to Roast bin Laden

Comedian and satirist Norm Macdonald, who sadly passed away Tuesday night, is looking to put off his entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven, asking God to first let him spend ten minutes or so in Hell so he can “make [Osama] bin Laden cry like a little bitch.” “I wrote like 100 pages of killer … Continue reading “Norm Macdonald Asks God for Ten Minutes in Hell to Roast bin Laden”

Taliban Leader Wears ‘Death to the West’ Tux to Met Gala

Taliban leader Abdul Ghani Baradar has received both praise and accusations of hypocrisy after photos emerged of the militant wearing a “Death to the West” tuxedo while appearing at the star-studded Met Gala in New York City. Baradar, who flew in for the event on a UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter, used the $35,000-per-ticket celebration to … Continue reading “Taliban Leader Wears ‘Death to the West’ Tux to Met Gala”

Abbas Resigns as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Monday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected … Continue reading “Abbas Resigns as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station”

Israel Joins World in Commemorating 20th Anniversary of Attack It Carried Out

Today, Israeli agents join the world in commemorating the 20th anniversary of the attacks on September 11, 2001. “I can’t believe it’s been 20 years since we managed to pull off one of the greatest terror attacks in history,” one now-retired Mossad agent told The Mideast Beast. “I remember how difficult it was for us … Continue reading “Israel Joins World in Commemorating 20th Anniversary of Attack It Carried Out”

Netanyahu Hospitalized After Pounding 5782 Shots for Jewish New Year

Former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu began the Jewish New Year in the hospital after attempting to take 5782 shots of liquor – one for each year in the Jewish calendar – in a Rosh Hashanah celebration that soon spun out of control. The former premier – who recently lost his grip on power to … Continue reading “Netanyahu Hospitalized After Pounding 5782 Shots for Jewish New Year”

Taliban Appoints Carole Baskin Defense Secretary

Hopes that the Taliban would show a gentler, less evil face their second time in power were dashed Wednesday, as the Afghan militant group appointed alleged murderer and Tiger King star Carole Baskin to lead the military. Baskin, who is suspected of killing her husband and feeding him to tigers in 1997, said she will … Continue reading “Taliban Appoints Carole Baskin Defense Secretary”

Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble”

As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic (Delta-version), the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping … Continue reading “Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble””

Breaking: Taliban Now Controls 12 Working McFlurry Machines Left Behind by U.S. Troops

In another embarrassment for the United States, it was revealed on Monday that U.S. Troops left behind a dozen extremely rare, fully functional McDonald’s McFlurry machines in a hangar at Bagram Air Base. The machines were quickly seized by militants. As the Federal Trade Commission investigates why most McFlurry machines in America are currently broken, … Continue reading “Breaking: Taliban Now Controls 12 Working McFlurry Machines Left Behind by U.S. Troops”

‘I Was on Ambien When I Pulled Out of Afghanistan,’ Biden Says

Seeking to deflect blame for the disastrous US withdrawal from Afghanistan, President Joe Biden now says he had taken the sleeping aid Ambien before planning the hasty withdrawal from the country. “I’m not heartless, just an idiot,” Biden tweeted. “I mixed up my pills before meeting with the generals about Afghanistan and took Ambien instead … Continue reading “‘I Was on Ambien When I Pulled Out of Afghanistan,’ Biden Says”

Biden Blames 16th Century Mughals for Handing Him Unwinnable Situation in Afghanistan

In his latest attempt to shift blame for the disastrous withdrawal from Kabul, President Biden claimed at a press conference on Friday that he never would have had to hand the Taliban a hundred Blackhawk helicopters and leave puppies behind on the tarmac had the founder of the Mughal Empire, Muhammad Babur, not attempted to … Continue reading “Biden Blames 16th Century Mughals for Handing Him Unwinnable Situation in Afghanistan”

Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing

Islamic State (IS) leaders are blaming an increase in the availability of high-quality Internet porn for their inability to recruit enough volunteer suicide bombers. Speaking exclusively to The Mideast Beast (TMB), Islamic State Khorasan Province (IS-K) Director of the Head Separation Techniques Department admitted that the problem had become so acute that the organization has needed … Continue reading “Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing”

Jewish Uncle Shocked to Discover That Not Everything Innovative Comes from Israel

Uncle Morty was shocked to discover yesterday that countries other than Israel are responsible for recent technological advances. Uncle Morty, who is well known in the family for espousing common quips about Israel such as, “Israel created Instant Messaging” and “Israel has more Nobel Prizes per Capita than the US” is now trying to cope … Continue reading “Jewish Uncle Shocked to Discover That Not Everything Innovative Comes from Israel”

Taliban Leader Impeached Over Phone Call with Ukrainian President

Taliban rule in Afghanistan may soon be coming to an end, as the Afghan House of Representatives has voted to impeach the terror group over a phone call its leader made to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. The impeachment inquiry was launched after a transcript of a call between Zelensky and Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani … Continue reading “Taliban Leader Impeached Over Phone Call with Ukrainian President”

UN Efforts to Save the Endangered Palestinian Refugee a Resounding Success

In 1949, the United Nations became concerned with the low numbers of Palestinian refugees following the first Arab-Israeli War. In response, the UN quickly declared Palestinian refugees to be an endangered species and organized a commission, The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East, or UNRWA, to foster the … Continue reading “UN Efforts to Save the Endangered Palestinian Refugee a Resounding Success”

Erdogan to Meet Taliban Leader to Advise on Torture, Repression Techniques

In a sign of the Islamist militant group’s growing stature, the Taliban will meet this week with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to discuss methods of torturing and killing political opponents. With the Taliban now in control of nearly all of Afghanistan, Erdogan said that the time had come to treat the group with the … Continue reading “Erdogan to Meet Taliban Leader to Advise on Torture, Repression Techniques”

iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The rebooted autocorrect on iPhone 12 has been accused of making inflammatory remarks on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The first of many concerns was aired by Neil Rubinstein, who claimed “self-determination for the Jewish people” was corrected to “racism”. When he then asked Siri “what’s the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism”, she responded that no results … Continue reading “iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict”

iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The rebooted autocorrect on iPhone 12 has been accused of making inflammatory remarks on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The first of many concerns was aired by Neil Rubinstein, who claimed “self-determination for the Jewish people” was corrected to “racism”. When he then asked Siri “what’s the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism”, she responded that no results … Continue reading “iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict”

Taliban Defeated After Leader Dies in ‘Milk Crate Challenge’

In a dramatic reversal of fortunes, the Taliban regime in Afghanistan has collapsed after Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar fell to his death while attempting the “Milk Crate Challenge” now popular on TikTok. Baradar announced plans to attempt the challenge, which involves climbing a pyramid of stacked milk crates, after triumphantly entering Kabul following … Continue reading “Taliban Defeated After Leader Dies in ‘Milk Crate Challenge’”

Biden to Reinvade Afghanistan After Taliban Pulls Out of Paris Climate Agreement

In a stunning turnaround, President Joe Biden is now ordering US forces to re-invade Afghanistan and overthrow the Taliban after the terror group announced its withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accords. Biden previously stood behind his decision to withdraw from the country even as chaos unfolding in Kabul led his approval ratings to nosedive. But … Continue reading “Biden to Reinvade Afghanistan After Taliban Pulls Out of Paris Climate Agreement”

Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App

Seeking to prove once and for all that there’s room in the region for more than one high-tech powerhouse, the Palestinian Authority today unveiled the “RiotFind” app now available in all app stores. President Abbas explained, “no longer will hooligans have to wander aimlessly schlepping heavy rocks, hoping to find like-minded fellows, inclined to smack … Continue reading “Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App”

Iran Denies Calling Off Nuclear Talks amid Obama Birthday Party Snub

TEHRAN — Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei vigorously denied pulling out of Nuclear Talks with the US after being disinvited to former President Barack Obama’s 60th birthday party on Martha’s Vineyard. “That had nothing to do with it,” fumed the fiery spiritual leader, still wearing his ‘Shi’ite Chic’ chocolate chiffon robe and a turban festooned with … Continue reading “Iran Denies Calling Off Nuclear Talks amid Obama Birthday Party Snub”

Iran Ends Nuclear Talks After Supreme Leader Disinvited from Obama Birthday

The Islamic Republic of Iran has suddenly broken off talks with the US over re-entering the nuclear deal after former President Barack Obama disinvited Ayatollah Ali Khamenei from his 60th birthday party. Khamenei was originally on the guest list for the three-day celebration at the Obamas’ $12 million mansion in Martha’s Vineyard but was uninvited … Continue reading “Iran Ends Nuclear Talks After Supreme Leader Disinvited from Obama Birthday”

Entitled Settlers Tired of World Whining Over Settlers

Fed up with Israeli hand-wringing and the world pissing and moaning about a bunch of Jews living in remote and isolated desert areas of the Holy Land, residents and community leaders of a Judean Hills enclave held an emergency meeting to discuss marketing strategies going forward. Rebecca Steinbaum, an outspoken resident, gave The Mideast Beast … Continue reading “Entitled Settlers Tired of World Whining Over Settlers”

Hezbollah Leader Undergoes Reduction Surgery for Man Tits

BEIRUT – Rocket fire into Israel wasn’t the only news coming out of Lebanon this weekend. Hassan Nasrallah, the leader of Lebanon’s Shiite militant group Hezbollah, is reportedly recovering from radical breast reduction surgery in a secret bunker in the country’s Beqaa Valley. The reduction mammoplasty was performed by Swiss cosmetic surgeons clandestinely flown in to … Continue reading “Hezbollah Leader Undergoes Reduction Surgery for Man Tits”

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built … Continue reading “Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque”

Israel Puts Plans to Convert Al-Aqsa Mosque into a Katz’s Deli on Hold

Due to Hamas fanning the flames among Palestinians that the Al-Aqsa Mosque, and the whole of Jerusalem, is in danger of being the Judaized by the “fake Jew Zionists”, Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett announced that plans to convert the mosque into a Katz’s Delicatessen have been suspended indefinitely. “After a number of terrorists said … Continue reading “Israel Puts Plans to Convert Al-Aqsa Mosque into a Katz’s Deli on Hold”

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israelis and Palestinians’

Citizens around the world, especially Israelis and Palestinians, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around their little conflict. International developments for which Israelis and Palestinians have no involvement include: Accelerating the spread of the Delta and Delta Plus Coronavirus variants throughout … Continue reading “World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israelis and Palestinians’”

Israeli Gold-Medal Gymnast Becomes First Jew in 15 Years to Win Any Sporting Event

Israeli artistic gymnast Artem Dolgopyat made history with his Olympic gold-medal performance Sunday, becoming the first Jew in a decade-and-a-half to win any sports competition at any level. Since windsurfer Gal Friedman’s victory at the 2004 Olympics in Athens, no Jewish man or woman, in Israel or the diaspora, had bested any gentile in any … Continue reading “Israeli Gold-Medal Gymnast Becomes First Jew in 15 Years to Win Any Sporting Event”

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 63 Virgins in Paradise

Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 82 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just … Continue reading “Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 63 Virgins in Paradise”

Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself

The Prophet Muhammad admitted today that he was a bit disappointed to find that, 1,400 years after creating what he believed to be the perfect society in modern-day Saudi Arabia, the world seemingly has largely forgotten about him. “I realize a millennium and a half is a long time, but I expected to find at least … Continue reading “Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself”

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is … Continue reading “BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel””

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

In a surprising turn of events, Israel has been announced as the host of the 2022 Winter Olympics. An IOC spokesperson explained the decision “We at the IOC believe it is important to please everyone, all of the time. Human rights abuses aren’t very nice, are they? We didn’t really like the look of Kazakhstan … Continue reading “Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics”

Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem

In a move the Palestinian Authority is calling, ‘the most perfect metaphor in history,’ this morning the Israeli government released a statement announcing their intention to build 2,000 hurdles in East Jerusalem in preparation for the day when the Summer Olympic Games will be held in Israel. Construction will take place by the end of … Continue reading “Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem”

All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

President Joe Biden’s bipartisan infrastructure bill has successfully passed a major obstacle as a result of a sudden and unexpected move: every single last Republican has thrown its support behind the infra package. The Mideast Beast has learned that it was the specific clarification that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” will be included in … Continue reading “All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure”

Jewish Mothers Protest Pegasus for Replacing Them as Global Surveillance Experts

Anger continues to build at the Israeli NSO Group over reports that its Pegasus spyware is being used to spy on dozens of journalists, activists and executives across the world, as millions of Jewish mothers have begun protesting the group. The mothers are concerned not over privacy issues but that the spyware technology will replace … Continue reading “Jewish Mothers Protest Pegasus for Replacing Them as Global Surveillance Experts”

Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats (TMB Extras: Alternate Ending)

PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Donald Trump has issued a statement acknowledging Joe Biden as the legitimate winner of the 2020 presidential election, with the former president delivering a giant wooden horse (painted in gold color of course) to the US Capitol as a peace offering for good measure. The move came as a surprise to Biden … Continue reading “Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats (TMB Extras: Alternate Ending)”

Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats (TMB Extras: Alternative Ending)

PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Donald Trump has issued a statement acknowledging Joe Biden as the legitimate winner of the 2020 presidential election, with the former president delivering a giant wooden horse (painted in gold color of course) to the US Capitol as a peace offering for good measure. The move came as a surprise to Biden … Continue reading “Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats (TMB Extras: Alternative Ending)”