New royal baby already accomplished everything in life he is expected to

LONDON – Swiftly following the birth of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s first child, Buckingham Palace spokespeople confirmed that he has already achieved all goals, objectives, and purposes expected of him for the rest of his life. “The mere fact of his birth is all we could have asked for and now he can just … Continue reading “New royal baby already accomplished everything in life he is expected to”

Brexit deadline officially pushed back to Claire Danes’ birthday

LONDON – The EU has granted the UK’s request to push the deadline for Brexit from its previous date of March 29 to April 12, the birthday of American actor Claire Danes. “This added time will give us the space we need to move forward as a country,” Prime Minister Theresa May said in a … Continue reading “Brexit deadline officially pushed back to Claire Danes’ birthday”

Local man starting to suspect it’s too late to ask what Brexit is

Brandon, MB – Local man Steven Bach is getting the feeling that the time to figure out what Brexit actually is has long since passed. “I saw on the news that the UK government might fall due to disagreement on how to proceed with Brexit,” said Bach. “And I just thought oh man, I’ve totally … Continue reading “Local man starting to suspect it’s too late to ask what Brexit is”

Prince Philip still refuses to give up pilot’s license

LONDON – Despite voluntarily surrendering his driving permit after a recent vehicle accident, Prince Philip is still racking up solo hours by flying throughout the country. Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the 97-year-old Duke of Edinburgh will still use his time destructively by buzzing through restricted airspace instead of blowing stop signs in his Land … Continue reading “Prince Philip still refuses to give up pilot’s license”

China unveils new tourism slogan, ‘Come and you’ll never be able to leave’

BEIJING – After a wave of Canadian citizens were suddenly and permanently relocated to China, the country’s Ministry of Culture and Tourism has unveiled an exciting new slogan, ‘Come and you’ll never be able to leave’. “We feel the new slogan sends the appropriate message that when you visit China, you’ll quickly discover that it’s … Continue reading “China unveils new tourism slogan, ‘Come and you’ll never be able to leave’”

Chinese government incarcerates family of dead moon plant for failing the Party

BEIJING — In a swift and brutal raid last night, Chinese state officials arrested and jailed the family of the cotton sprout that withered and died just days after becoming the first plant to grow on the moon. “The plant failed in its mission to bring glory to the Republic,” explained Jiang Xiao, Chairman of … Continue reading “Chinese government incarcerates family of dead moon plant for failing the Party”

Millennial taking spectre of nuclear war in stride

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Sources report thirty year old Caitlin Barnes is “pretty laid back” despite the very real possibility a single tweet could incinerate the world in a massive radioactive inferno. “I’ve already mentally prepared myself for global environmental catastrophe, and antibiotic resistant bacteria” said the thirty year old Chapters associate and programmer. “So at … Continue reading “Millennial taking spectre of nuclear war in stride”

Egyptian museum claims dibs on Tower of London after UK falls into post-Brexit turmoil

CAIRO – An Egyptian museum focusing on fallen human civilizations has called dibs on the Tower of London now that the country is expected to fall into turmoil after Prime Minister Theresa May’s Brexit deal failed to pass in Parliament. “Since the once mighty British Empire has fallen into such civil strife, we are preemptively … Continue reading “Egyptian museum claims dibs on Tower of London after UK falls into post-Brexit turmoil”

Chinese government inviting Canadian tourists with authentic geopolitical prisoner experience

BEIJING – The Chinese government is wooing more Canadians to take in the comfort of a customary cell block, breathtaking interrogations, and quiet isolation as part of their new Chinese geopolitical prisoner tour. Advertised as ‘Inescapable Destinations,’ visitors from the Great White North will be given special treatment and their very own set of complimentary … Continue reading “Chinese government inviting Canadian tourists with authentic geopolitical prisoner experience”

Brexit supporters divided on the best way to fuck Northern Ireland

LONDON — After months of contentious debates and cabinet shake-ups, Brexit supporters have still not come to a consensus on the best way to really screw Northern Ireland. “I don’t know what we could have done differently,” said Prime Minister Theresa May. “It’s almost as if the Conservative Party shouldn’t be in coalition with a … Continue reading “Brexit supporters divided on the best way to fuck Northern Ireland”

Catholic Church assures billionaires that none of their Notre Dame donations will go to poor

VATICAN CITY — Speaking to the handful of billionaires, CEO’s, and corporations that had immediately donated billions of dollars to rebuild the burned Notre Dame Cathedral, Pope Francis assured them that none of these funds would be used to help the poor. Speaking in his chambers before presiding over Easter Sunday Mass, the pontiff assured … Continue reading “Catholic Church assures billionaires that none of their Notre Dame donations will go to poor”