Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing

TOKYO – Amid the rising COVID-19 pandemic, the International Olympic Committee along with the Japanese government has released a statement confirming that while the majority of the summer games will be postponed to 2021, the only sport allowed to compete this year will be fencing. A spokesperson from Tokyo’s organizing committee addressed reporters remotely via … Continue reading “Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing”

China concerned Western authoritarian government will cover up coronavirus outbreaks

BEIJING – The Chinese government has expressed concerns that a North American government which lacks transparency and checks on its executive power will cover up the severity of the COVID-19 outbreak. “We don’t have confidence in the information coming out of the United States” said China’s President Xi Jinping to members of the international press. … Continue reading “China concerned Western authoritarian government will cover up coronavirus outbreaks”

China happy that all this Huawei business is distracting from their genocide

BEIJING – With many countries refusing to allow Huawei technology because of its links to Chinese intelligence agencies, as well as the company’s CFO still waiting for extradition to the US, many high up in the Chinese Communist Party are just grateful for the distraction from their having put over a million members of the … Continue reading “China happy that all this Huawei business is distracting from their genocide”

Boris Johnson, fellow Brexiters celebrate Scottish Independence Day

LONDON – Tens of thousands of Brexiters came out to celebrate the main cause of Scotland’s independence from the United Kingdom. English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who was given a majority government to seek Scotland’s separation from the UK, remarked that this was a “moment of hope” for the Scottish people. Crowds across England marked … Continue reading “Boris Johnson, fellow Brexiters celebrate Scottish Independence Day”

Here’s some sensational, unconfirmed stories about coronavirus because we really need the website traffic

Competing with the Sun chain of newspapers can be hard, so here are some unconfirmed, sensationalized, and flat-out wrong stories that we’ve either heard or fabricated ourselves. We know you’ve done your part by clicking on this out of fear. Here’s what we know about coronavirus: Coronavirus was created by Bud Light Lime to tarnish … Continue reading “Here’s some sensational, unconfirmed stories about coronavirus because we really need the website traffic”

Terry Jones goes to that great giant foot in the sky

LONDON – The world is in mourning today after it was announced that Terry Jones, distinguished actor, director, writer, and member of the beloved comedy team Monty Python, has finally made the final journey to that great giant foot in the sky. Born in Wales in 1942, Jones will be fondly remembered for his lifelong … Continue reading “Terry Jones goes to that great giant foot in the sky”

Britain resumes tradition of sending outcasts to the colonies

LONDON – British Parliament has passed a law that will resume the practice of sending its criminals, debtors, society’s rejects, and Harry to the colonies by penal shipment or banishment. The law, which was given Royal Assent by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, coincides with the imminent arrival of Prince of Sussex to the Dominion … Continue reading “Britain resumes tradition of sending outcasts to the colonies”

Embarrassing Australian government continues to rage across the country

CANBERRA – Australia remains gripped by a raging and shameless government that appears to be engulfing the nation. Emergency crews and locals have attempted to control Liberal Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s response to catastrophic wildfires, but his government’s incompetency on climate change continues to sweep across large sections of the country. “We tried to hold … Continue reading “Embarrassing Australian government continues to rage across the country”

Quaint English village fails to meet its mysterious murder quota for the year

ABBERSHIRE, UK – Residents of the quiet, picturesque village of Abbershire have found themselves approaching the New Year in shame and disappointment after it was announced that they had failed to reach their yearly quota of mysterious murders for the first time in over 100 years. “Well, it’s not for lack of trying, that’s for … Continue reading “Quaint English village fails to meet its mysterious murder quota for the year”

North Korea threatens to blah blah, Christ, every week with these guys

PYONGYANG, NK – This week, the government of North Korea warned that if U.S. didn’t stop ticking them off, they’d blah blah, when are these guys gonna take a week off? This is directly on the heels of a previous three dozen threats to fire nuclear warheads straight into Washington while yada yada, sorry I … Continue reading “North Korea threatens to blah blah, Christ, every week with these guys”

Trudeau insists he was talking about another brash, incompetent US President also named Donald Trump

BUCKINGHAM PALACE – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has clarified that he, and other world leaders were talking about a different US President also named Donald Trump when they were caught on camera speaking candidly about the day’s events. “No, we weren’t talking about the President of the United States,” said Trudeau after being asked about … Continue reading “Trudeau insists he was talking about another brash, incompetent US President also named Donald Trump”

Danes, Dutch form nation after growing too tired to explain they’re different countries

COPENDAM – The leaders of Denmark and the Netherlands have announced their countries are now unified explaining that the burden to explain the difference to North Americans is not worth their time anymore. “Frankly, we’re exhausted,” said former Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte. “Our histories, languages, and societies have some similarities, but are distinguishably different. … Continue reading “Danes, Dutch form nation after growing too tired to explain they’re different countries”

New ISIS Leader torn between striped tie and paisley tie for first day

Syria – Earlier this morning newly appointed ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi was at a loss for which tie to wear on his first day, reportedly standing in front of the mirror for nearly two hours frantically switching between a striped tie and a paisley tie. “Ahhh, I dunno!” blubbered the frustrated caliphate, as … Continue reading “New ISIS Leader torn between striped tie and paisley tie for first day”

Trump honestly forgets which debt he’s paying back by pulling troops from Syria

WASHINGTON – As President Trump announced a snap decision to remove US troops from Northern Syria, insiders report the president genuinely cannot recall which authoritarian leader this action is intended to pay back. Sources report that Trump asked confused aides “Did Putin tell me to do this? Do you remember? Or is this a payback … Continue reading “Trump honestly forgets which debt he’s paying back by pulling troops from Syria”

Report: Self-entitled Generation Z wants to live past the age of 40

NEW YORK – A new report has indicated that the next generation of children are so entitled that they want to live past the age of 40 with no desire to perish in a climate apocalypse. “Kids these days long-life handouts,” said 70-year-old Vincent Cavendish, the author of the study. “Back in my day, we … Continue reading “Report: Self-entitled Generation Z wants to live past the age of 40”

Ongoing Titanic deterioration halts production of live-action underwater musical

ST. JOHNS – A live-action underwater musical remake of the acclaimed film Titanic has been in the works for years, but production came to a halt this week after 4K footage of the delicate wreck was recently released by researchers. A retired Dalhousie University civil engineering professor predicts the Titanic will only be around for … Continue reading “Ongoing Titanic deterioration halts production of live-action underwater musical”

Trump corrects Ezra Levant’s tweet rupturing fake news space-time continuum

WASHINGTON – A fake news black hole has emerged along the Canada-US border after US President Donald Trump corrected far-right pundit Ezra Levant about his tweet calling Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau weak. “No, we actually had a very good and productive meeting. Nice!” replied the President tweeted, unaware of the dire consequences he just … Continue reading “Trump corrects Ezra Levant’s tweet rupturing fake news space-time continuum”

Boeing unveils new jet that looks suspiciously like two 737 MAX 8s in an overcoat

SEATTLE, WA – Boeing unveiled a new aircraft today that some analysts are concerned is actually just two 737 MAX 8s in an overcoat. The embattled manufacturer has been under mounting pressure from the public after two MAX 8s crashed in a five month period due to a software issue. However, executives are confident the … Continue reading “Boeing unveils new jet that looks suspiciously like two 737 MAX 8s in an overcoat”

Exhausted Americans petition Greenland to purchase US instead

WASHINGTON – Millions of fed-up Americans have petitioned the autonomous Danish territory of Greenland to purchase the 243-year-old waning superpower for better healthcare, democratic representation, and fewer international embarrassments. “Please, save us Greenland!” said Nora Blithe of Raleigh, North Carolina. “We’ll be your province or protectorate or whatever. I just need better healthcare coverage because … Continue reading “Exhausted Americans petition Greenland to purchase US instead”

Trump congratulates Gary Busey on becoming Prime Minister of UK

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reacting to a photo of Boris Johnson on a muted TV this morning showing, President Donald Trump called to congratulate actor Gary Busey on becoming Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.  “I called him up to say that I think he’ll do a tremendous job,” said the President to reporters outside the … Continue reading “Trump congratulates Gary Busey on becoming Prime Minister of UK”

Belize changes national anthem to ‘Belize It or Not, I’m Walking on Air’

BELMOPAN, BELIZE- After a parliamentary debate that stretched into the wee hours, the government of Belize, the Central American country of approximately 400,000 people changed its national anthem to, “Belize it or not, I’m walking on air.” The song is a crude ripoff of the song ‘Believe it or not’, the theme song to the … Continue reading “Belize changes national anthem to ‘Belize It or Not, I’m Walking on Air’”

Trump fails to notice that Royals sent cast of “The Crown” to greet him

LONDON — While in London on an official state visit, US President Donald Trump failed to recognize that Buckingham Palace had sent the cast of Netflix’s The Crown in place of the actual Royal Family. Reports indicate that every member of the British Royal Family, from Queen Elizabeth on down to one-month-old Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, … Continue reading “Trump fails to notice that Royals sent cast of “The Crown” to greet him”

Volunteer announces plan to build white saviour complex in Africa

TORONTO – In a well meaning attempt to uphold and reinforce neo-colonialism, volunteer Rebecca “Becky” Smith-Anderson has submitted a proposition to build a white saviour complex somewhere in Africa. Smith-Anderson, a self-proclaimed “traveller, not a tourist”, found her passion for Africa and its people when she became head organizer for the KONY 2012 campaign for … Continue reading “Volunteer announces plan to build white saviour complex in Africa”

Modern-day Nazi hunter thought job would be harder

VANCOUVER – Modern day Nazi hunter Jim Smith has confirmed to reporters that he honestly thought his job would take a lot more effort in 2019. Smith, who joins a long tradition of committed activists seeking to unmask and bring justice to Nazis, has expressed surprise that his work tracking down contemporary Nazis requires surprisingly … Continue reading “Modern-day Nazi hunter thought job would be harder”

Other famous political assassinations by milkshakes

With the recent murder of Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage by milkshake, the dangerous dairy beverage has been a popular weapon of choice for political assassins throughout history. Here are some famous assassinations that come to mind: 1963 – JFK Lee Harvey Oswald was hiding in the book Texas School Book Depository with two highly … Continue reading “Other famous political assassinations by milkshakes”

New royal baby already accomplished everything in life he is expected to

LONDON – Swiftly following the birth of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s first child, Buckingham Palace spokespeople confirmed that he has already achieved all goals, objectives, and purposes expected of him for the rest of his life. “The mere fact of his birth is all we could have asked for and now he can just … Continue reading “New royal baby already accomplished everything in life he is expected to”

Brexit deadline officially pushed back to Claire Danes’ birthday

LONDON – The EU has granted the UK’s request to push the deadline for Brexit from its previous date of March 29 to April 12, the birthday of American actor Claire Danes. “This added time will give us the space we need to move forward as a country,” Prime Minister Theresa May said in a … Continue reading “Brexit deadline officially pushed back to Claire Danes’ birthday”

Local man starting to suspect it’s too late to ask what Brexit is

Brandon, MB – Local man Steven Bach is getting the feeling that the time to figure out what Brexit actually is has long since passed. “I saw on the news that the UK government might fall due to disagreement on how to proceed with Brexit,” said Bach. “And I just thought oh man, I’ve totally … Continue reading “Local man starting to suspect it’s too late to ask what Brexit is”

Prince Philip still refuses to give up pilot’s license

LONDON – Despite voluntarily surrendering his driving permit after a recent vehicle accident, Prince Philip is still racking up solo hours by flying throughout the country. Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the 97-year-old Duke of Edinburgh will still use his time destructively by buzzing through restricted airspace instead of blowing stop signs in his Land … Continue reading “Prince Philip still refuses to give up pilot’s license”

China unveils new tourism slogan, ‘Come and you’ll never be able to leave’

BEIJING – After a wave of Canadian citizens were suddenly and permanently relocated to China, the country’s Ministry of Culture and Tourism has unveiled an exciting new slogan, ‘Come and you’ll never be able to leave’. “We feel the new slogan sends the appropriate message that when you visit China, you’ll quickly discover that it’s … Continue reading “China unveils new tourism slogan, ‘Come and you’ll never be able to leave’”

Chinese government incarcerates family of dead moon plant for failing the Party

BEIJING — In a swift and brutal raid last night, Chinese state officials arrested and jailed the family of the cotton sprout that withered and died just days after becoming the first plant to grow on the moon. “The plant failed in its mission to bring glory to the Republic,” explained Jiang Xiao, Chairman of … Continue reading “Chinese government incarcerates family of dead moon plant for failing the Party”

Millennial taking spectre of nuclear war in stride

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Sources report thirty year old Caitlin Barnes is “pretty laid back” despite the very real possibility a single tweet could incinerate the world in a massive radioactive inferno. “I’ve already mentally prepared myself for global environmental catastrophe, and antibiotic resistant bacteria” said the thirty year old Chapters associate and programmer. “So at … Continue reading “Millennial taking spectre of nuclear war in stride”

Egyptian museum claims dibs on Tower of London after UK falls into post-Brexit turmoil

CAIRO – An Egyptian museum focusing on fallen human civilizations has called dibs on the Tower of London now that the country is expected to fall into turmoil after Prime Minister Theresa May’s Brexit deal failed to pass in Parliament. “Since the once mighty British Empire has fallen into such civil strife, we are preemptively … Continue reading “Egyptian museum claims dibs on Tower of London after UK falls into post-Brexit turmoil”

Chinese government inviting Canadian tourists with authentic geopolitical prisoner experience

BEIJING – The Chinese government is wooing more Canadians to take in the comfort of a customary cell block, breathtaking interrogations, and quiet isolation as part of their new Chinese geopolitical prisoner tour. Advertised as ‘Inescapable Destinations,’ visitors from the Great White North will be given special treatment and their very own set of complimentary … Continue reading “Chinese government inviting Canadian tourists with authentic geopolitical prisoner experience”

Brexit supporters divided on the best way to fuck Northern Ireland

LONDON — After months of contentious debates and cabinet shake-ups, Brexit supporters have still not come to a consensus on the best way to really screw Northern Ireland. “I don’t know what we could have done differently,” said Prime Minister Theresa May. “It’s almost as if the Conservative Party shouldn’t be in coalition with a … Continue reading “Brexit supporters divided on the best way to fuck Northern Ireland”

Catholic Church assures billionaires that none of their Notre Dame donations will go to poor

VATICAN CITY — Speaking to the handful of billionaires, CEO’s, and corporations that had immediately donated billions of dollars to rebuild the burned Notre Dame Cathedral, Pope Francis assured them that none of these funds would be used to help the poor. Speaking in his chambers before presiding over Easter Sunday Mass, the pontiff assured … Continue reading “Catholic Church assures billionaires that none of their Notre Dame donations will go to poor”